Explaining death to a 2 year old

lmjt · June 2011

I generally post on 12-24, but my DS is closer to 2 now, and I thought you ladies might have some insight or unfortunately, experience dealing with this situation.

We just put my grandpa in hospice today. Its only a matter of time. My DS goes to visit my grandma, and asks for grandpa. We've taken him to see grandpa in the nursing home a few times, I don't think he quite gets that grandma and grandpa aren't living together anymore.

I have no idea how to deal with J about grandpa not coming home and soon, dying. I feel terribly that he looks puzzled when grandpa isn't there when he visits anymore, and I don't know if not seeing him anymore will make him just forget, or if there's a way to handle this situation.

Any advice you have is appreciated greatly.

Chloe77 · June 2011

We lost my husband's mother and my little brother within a couple of months of each other late last year. Awful, awful year. My son was and still is 2. I am not a fan of taking little kids to funerals, so we didn't take my son to either funeral. I didn't want him to see/know such grief at his young age. He still asks for both of them, and we still talk about both of them, we just say, "Nana and Uncle Matt are up in Heaven, now." When he sees pictures of them, etc., he tells us they are in Heaven. We try to act like it's a happy thing that they are in Heaven, not a sad thing that they're gone. He's so young, he doesn't really understand that he won't see them again, so this works for us. Good luck whatever you decide to do, and I'm sorry about your grandfather.

stellahav · June 2011

So sorry about your grandpa. I know it's not easy. In the past year, we lost both my grandmother and grandfather. We took DD to both funerals and open casket viewings. Of course she gave the "shh, Pop is sleeping." And she was asking why everybody was crying.

We tried to explain that when people die, they go to heaven. We don't get to see them anymore here, but they are happy. And of course people here are sad because they don't get to see their (father, mother, etc) anymore, but it's okay to be sad, etc.

I'm sure she doesn't totally get it -- she saw Pop, he was there in the casket, and they put it in the ground. But she does understand that he's not coming back, he went to heaven (still abstract to her) and it's okay to miss him. We still look at pictures a lot so she doesn't forget. But she does announce "Pop died, he's in heaven," when we look at them.

VTbride05 · June 2011

So sorry to hear about your grandfather

DH recently lost his grandfather and I was really torn about what to tell DS. He knew Papa, but we didnt see him often. DH and I had a long talk about it and we finally said, we will tell him the truth b/c we dont want to make things up, and we will accept that he will have lots of questions and not fully understand things.

So on our way to see the family (out of state) we told him that Papa had died because he was old and it was his time to die (we didnt want to say he was sick and then have DS worry about others that are sick). We told him that Papa was in heaven which is far away and it means we wont see him again, but we will talk about him, love him and miss him.

At first DS just said "ok". Later that night he ran to my SIL and said "Papa died Auntie Sarah". He had lots of questions after that and we did out best to answer them.

He wont have a full understanding, but just tell him that Grandpa died, which means he wont see him again. Keep it simple and let him ask the questions he has.

So sorry!

Mrs.JLC · June 2011

I lost my mom in December quite unexpectedly and DD was with her 2-3 days a week. To the best of her ability DD knows that 'Gamma' is in heaven. I chose not to have DD attend the service, especially since it was just days before Christmas. It's been nearly six months and she still talks about 'Gamma' every now and again but it's usually happy things "my Gamma took me here" or "my Gamma liked this or that." On occassion she will say "I only have a G," what she calls my Dad. We just remind her that she also has DH parents and step-parents and that we all love her very much. DD has also mentioned that 'Gamma is at a party up high.' Not quite sure where she came up with that but DD likes parties so we didn't "correct" her. I have a lot of books but most are geared towards kids that are a bit older. Just know that he will probably heal much more quickly than any of the adults. DD's acceptance of the lack of my mom's presence has definitely made it easier on me.

Also, I'm sorry for your impending loss. It is never easy losing a loved one no matter their age or the circumstances.

ladymeg · June 2011

Children are smart and resilient. My FIL took his own life in September. My MIL who kept my son while I worked at the time refused to see DS until she was ready (not wanting to break down in front of him). It was about a week until he got to see her and it was like he just knew. He ran right up to her and patted her on the back (he was 15 months old). I didn't catch how old your ds is, but it was a long time before we could have out pics again of him. And when we did, we would point to him and say things "pop" used to say to him to help keep his memory alive. We want him to always remember some part of him (although pretty much impossible considering how young he was when it happened). I think it's just important to keep that memory alive and maybe visit his graveside. Prayers for you during this difficult time.

It still brings tears to my eyes remembering his Pop saying "Pop come to see you" I get so angry and sad at the same time...

lewis514 · June 2011

My grandmother died in February. One day, my DD asked where she was and I told her "she's in heaven." I told her she is with Chloe (her twin) and she was okay with that.

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