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Pre-School and Daycare
Am I raising a wussy kid?
My DS is almost 4 and today we had a friend come over to play, he is a little over 5. The friend is very into shows and books that I think are too old for my son. He is into starwars, ben 10, avatar - the last airbender, goosebumps books, etc... My DS really only watches PBS, mickey mouse and things like that.
So this morning we are all playing outside and all the friend wants to do is play fight and act out the monsters and aliens from his favorite shows. He would chase my DS and pretend to stab him with a sword and other things like that. Well, I guess I don't really like that behavior, but I also know that eventually all kids probably play that way.
The issue is that my DS kept getting scared and would come running to me everytime! I kept telling him that either he needs to not play with him and just ignore it or play fight back, but either way he needed to stop crying. I feel pretty harsh telling him to stop crying, but it was getting a bit crazy how much he was crying.
I don't want my son to be a wuss and not be able to play with other kids but at the same time I don't think that he should be watching more violent shows. He just doesn't seem to under stand them and they don't really keep his interest. Is it just the age difference? Or is my DS too sensitive? What should I be doing to "toughen him up"?
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Re: Am I raising a wussy kid?
Nah, your DS is fine. Some kids are more "aggressive" with pretend play than others. Especially boys. They stab and shoot and "kill" everything. My DS is 2.5 and he waves the girls's princess wands in the air and talks about dragons - he only really watches The Backyardigans and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.......
I think that maybe you can try to do some role-playing with your son involving dragons, etc. It doesn't have to include swords and such, but maybe more of a hide and seek.
FWIW, all 3 of my kids are sensitive and really don't like other kids in their faces. If other kids yell at them, they come crying to me too. My oldest (5.5) has gotten much better at expressing herself - we have a lot of books about "feelings' so she can express what she's thinking better.
GL - it's a tough world out there!
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Lurker from School-Aged here!
I have really walked a mile in your shoes. We don't have cable and hardly watch TV, so when my kids were in preschool both were unacquainted with those types of "bigger kid" shows and ideas. Honestly, at age 3 both of my kids got seriously upset at the part in the Winnie-the-Pooh movie when Pooh gets stuck in Rabbit's house because he eats too much honey! This divide can create difficulties during playdates, especially if the other child not your kid's chosen friend, but a child of YOUR friends who have made different parenting choices.
Another thing to know is that this is one of those areas where 4 and 5 y/o's are very different. A 5 y/o is still really into fantasy and imaginative play, but has a better notion of the difference between what's "real" and what's "pretend." A 5 y/o has the emotional control to handle the more violent imaginary play that is inspired by these shows, while a 4 y/o can easily (as you saw) still be scared for real when a friend pretends to be an alien. So, in a year, even if he continues watching nothing but very mild shows like Mickey and Sid the Science Kid, your son will naturally be more comfortable with scarier/violent imaginary play. In fact, finding their limits with this kind of active play is developmentally appropriate for kids at 5.
That being said, I don't believe in "toughening up" my kids by exposing them to this type of stuff strictly so that they become immune to it, or so that they don't get scared when other kids want to play rough. On the contrary, I feel that kids who have comparatively more maturity under their belts when they first experience scary or violent media images understand and enjoy the shows more, and are often more confident, competent kids emotionally.
Another thing that I wish someone had told me when my kids were the sensitive kids running to me because another kid's violent play scared them was this: when they're old enough to pick their own friends, they tend to pick friends who are more their speed. My son is 6 1/2 and in kindergarten, and he really enjoys playing with kids who like what he likes: outer space, legos, dinosaurs, beyblades, and pokemon. In his class there are boys who are more into Transformers, G.I. Joe, Star Wars, Ben 10, etc., but he doesn't tend to hang out with them much.
I just wanted to say thanks NeverBlushed and in general for the post. These have been issues I've been wondering about concerning my own son.
Yes, thank you! That was very comforting to read.
Please don't try to toughen him up. It's probably the age difference and the fact that he's sensitive. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. I distinctly remember being terrified of some things an older kid wanted to play with me when I was around 4ish and thinking about it still makes me nauseous. (She was pretending to shoot me).
My mom told me the same things and all it did was make me feel like she didn't understand me. I'd just tell the older kid that you don't like that behavior, that you don't play games like that in your house, and redirect to a new activity.
:poking head out of lurking:
I could have written this my self. My son who will be 5 in just a few short days is very sensitive as well. He does not like to "rough house" with other boys his age. He doesn't like any of that play fight kind of things. He does like star wars and things of that nature but I try very hard to moniter what he takes in.
I have a few friends of MINE who have made completely different parenting choices then my self and have raised "tough boys". I really kind of get up set with this because they condone these actions and actually find it funny. It really pi$$es me off. It's not funny that your kid just hit mine and he is now crying an your are telling him to be a big boy and fight back. Needless to say i'm not allowing this child to play with my son anymore. I really don't understand what the concept of raising a tough kid is?? What will this promote? Will it make their lives better? Will it get them into ivy league schools? or the job at the top of the company??
My son is very good at expressing his feelings towards others and letting them know when he is uncomfortable with something they are playing. It also makes me mad because my FI (not his biological father but is his daddy) says i'm rasing him to be a softy. It irritates me because what will you gain for being the toughest kid in the school? Nothing but a bad rep.
IMHO raise your son the way you feel is right and don't let anyone tell you he's a wuss. He will grow into a great caring a loving man.
I agree with most of the pp about not trying to make your son more aggressive. I do have additional thoughts...
DH feels strongly about raising DS to be less of a wuss than he was. His mother hated rough housing and generally discouraged it. Therefore, DH often tumbles around with the boys, especially the 3 1/2 y/o. Sometimes he cries (and I get extremely annoyed), but he ALWAYS goes back for more. I am sometimes in a position to put DH in "time-out" for not playing nice. At the very least, it is a good way for DS to learn the boundaries (often a bit blurry) of aggressive play - i.e. he is not as threatened when a friend wants to pretend stab or shoot him, but still gets upset if aggression is random or in the context of a disagreement.
My point there is that your DS may have felt threatened because he didn't understand that his older friend was playing. Perhaps exposing him to a more playful scenario with his toys or with you might help him learn the difference - for example, the classic "I'm gonna get you" type game. So, not exactly stabbing, but rough housing.
Second, if DS shows interest in those things his friend has, like star wars characters, etc.. why not let him have some books, action figures, etc? The key is whether or not he shows interest. I wouldn't force it, but I wouldn't forbid it either. DS absolutely loves spiderman, batman, transformers, etc...he has a light saber. I don't think he'll be getting a toy gun anytime soon, though.