Dh has changed his mind...

twinkl5379 · May 2011

H and I have had plans to move to the metro area where Skids live (4 hrs from where we are now). This meets both of our needs:

- I want to live in a metro area and there are some companies there I'd like to work for (though I haven't been able to land a job there yet)

-it makes travel to see my family much easier (ie, direct flight)

-DH can keep his current job as it's also in his territory

- we'd be closer to s-kids and would eliminate the long drives for visitation

BUT b/c our wknds with s-kids never go "great" (hopefully they are "just fine," and that's a success), DH does not want to increase visitation.

He feels that wknds with them are not good for me or him and therefore can't really be good for the kids either. So the current distance allows him "an excuse" for not doing more. But if he lived there, he'd feel terrible for not doing more.

I know he's really torn. But what I don't get is why he can't be happy with the visitation schedule he had when they lived here - every other wknd. I'd be fine with that. But he said things weren't great back then either.

I told him he needs to lower his expectations. It's not going to be great, but we need to get through it.

Any suggestions for how to make this compromise make sense to him?

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

::facepalm::

fellesferie · May 2011

I think that you'd both have a better time with the kids if you increased visitation. Your H would feel like a better parent, you'd get a chance to establish a real relationship with them, and they would feel more wanted/loved to see you both making an effort.

What are his expectations and what's going on with the kids?

How long have your H & BM been divorced? Did he take any joy in parenting before they split? Is BM remarried? How often does he want the boys? Does his attitude and issues with his sons concern you at all about TTC?

We have good days, bad days, and just fine days with our kids. Average/just fine days probably outnumber good and bad days combined.

If weekends with the kids are a "get through it" type thing, I imagine they feel that and react accordingly.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

::facepalm::

Curly - what does this mean?

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

This is me putting my face in my palm, like when your friend does something 'not good' and you go "oh my gosh" and put your face in your palm. I just feel like you guys aren't getting it. You get tons of advice on here, and ita just not sticking. Don't you think the more time you spend with someone, the more comfortable you get, and you have more fun? Like, I have more fun with my BFF versus my coworkers cause I know my BFF better, we have inside jokes, memories etc. Maybe your visits would be great if you DID spend more time with them? Also, I cringe that you said your DH no longer has an excuse to not see them. I just don't understand where you guys are coming from at all. Why wouldn't you want to see your kids as much as possible?

twinkl5379 · May 2011

'I think that you'd both have a better time with the kids if you increased visitation.' Felles - I think this may be the hard thing for him. I've said that I don't want to increase visitation beyond what it has been - every other wknd.

My reason for this is that I'm already alone a lot b/c of his travel. So with the majority of time dedicated to his jobs, then time with the kids, I feel alone a lot. I need my time with my H too, so frankly, I don't want it to change "a lot."

I think he feels the pressure from me saying that. Am I willing to increase more than it is being long distance, yes. Willing to attend b-ball games and school events - of course. But we are going into it knowing that time with them is hard on us (and probably them too). I think that's where he feels the struggle.

Re: his past w/the kids...he said that when he was married to his x, parenting was frustrating b/c he was not happy in his life. He enjoyed it much more when he was single. "Blending" has been a huge challenge for us - esp. with all the other circumstances.

Yes, I've asked him directly if this weighs into how he feels about us TTC. He said that he knows it will be different than the "situation" with his kids. So he is fine with it. I ask this quite often actually b/c it could be scary. But, I understand where he's coming from in feeling that it will be different b/c I expect the same.

suze423 · May 2011

If the possibility of increased visitation is that big of an issue I find it hard to believe that he really would "feel terrible" for not doing more.

ramzgurl · May 2011

twinkl5379:

H and I have had plans to move to the metro area where Skids live (4 hrs from where we are now). This meets both of our needs:

- I want to live in a metro area and there are some companies there I'd like to work for (though I haven't been able to land a job there yet)

-it makes travel to see my family much easier (ie, direct flight)

-DH can keep his current job as it's also in his territory

- we'd be closer to s-kids and would eliminate the long drives for visitation

BUT b/c our wknds with s-kids never go "great" (hopefully they are "just fine," and that's a success), DH does not want to increase visitation.

I imagine it IS more fun to be a part-time parent and send them away or not have them as much if it's not "great". He needs to grow up and be a man and father. It's not fun, it's parenthood.

He feels that wknds with them are not good for me or him and therefore can't really be good for the kids either. So the current distance allows him "an excuse" for not doing more. But if he lived there, he'd feel terrible for not doing more.

So he has a conscience about not spending more time with his kids, but he chooses to ignore it because it's better for you and him as a couple to not spend as much time with his kids?

I know he's really torn. But what I don't get is why he can't be happy with the visitation schedule he had when they lived here - every other wknd. I'd be fine with that. But he said things weren't great back then either.

I told him he needs to lower his expectations. It's not going to be great, but we need to get through it.

Any suggestions for how to make this compromise make sense to him?

Every other weekend should still feel like too little to him. He should miss them and look forwad to the time you all spend together as a family. I agree with pp that sharing experiences and creating memories will strengthen the bond between all of you. The more time you spend apart will continue to make you feel like strangers when they come and the kids will start to resent their father for not trying harder to spend more time with them and SHOW THEM how important they are to him even if it's not "great" all the time. Family's come in all shapes, sizes and circumstances. Encourage him to climb over the walls he has raised because of his past relationship and circumstances with BM and kids and CREATE the life and connection he wants with his kids and your new family now.

Jessys_Girl · May 2011

twinkl5379:

'I think that you'd both have a better time with the kids if you increased visitation.' Felles - I think this may be the hard thing for him. I've said that I don't want to increase visitation beyond what it has been - every other wknd.

My reason for this is that I'm already alone a lot b/c of his travel. So with the majority of time dedicated to his jobs, then time with the kids, I feel alone a lot. I need my time with my H too, so frankly, I don't want it to change "a lot."

I think he feels the pressure from me saying that. Am I willing to increase more than it is being long distance, yes. Willing to attend b-ball games and school events - of course. But we are going into it knowing that time with them is hard on us (and probably them too). I think that's where he feels the struggle.

Re: his past w/the kids...he said that when he was married to his x, parenting was frustrating b/c he was not happy in his life. He enjoyed it much more when he was single. "Blending" has been a huge challenge for us - esp. with all the other circumstances.

Yes, I've asked him directly if this weighs into how he feels about us TTC. He said that he knows it will be different than the "situation" with his kids. So he is fine with it. I ask this quite often actually b/c it could be scary. But, I understand where he's coming from in feeling that it will be different b/c I expect the same.

The first bolded section: If you wanted time with just a husband you should have married a man that did not have kids. You are selfish to think you deserve more "alone time" with him than his children even get. Maybe if you spent more time trying to make them feel included in your FAMILY (because that's what you are now) then the comfort level would be higher on both sides.

Second bolded section: You and your DH are adults. This isn't about YOU. It's about the KIDS. You can't just NOT have visitation with them because "it's hard on" you. Get over yourselves.

Third bolded section: Parenting was hard on him because he enjoyed being single more?!?!? Are you kidding me? Then why on EARTH did he decide to have children??? This is one of the most selfish things I think i've ever heard, and I'll BET that his kids feel this/know this/sense this and THAT'S why visits are akward and hard.

Fourth bolded section: So magically, your selfish @sshole of a DH is going to suddenly be a GREAT dad to his NEW kid and totally change from the "situation" with his previous children? They are NOT a "situation" they are CHILDREN who deserve love, attention, affection and TIME from their father.

SWmama · May 2011

Does anyone else feel this whole story isn't going to end well?

OP, take yourself out of the story and make yourself an interested observer. Your DH is telling you exactly what kind of parent he will be.... and it's not good.

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

SWmama:
Does anyone else feel this whole story isn't going to end well?

OP, take yourself out of the story and make yourself an interested observer. Your DH is telling you exactly what kind of parent he will be.... and it's not good.

Yes! I just want to shake them both until they get it. You have such a short time before the kids are grown up and its too late, you've missed it! This makes me so sad.

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

Dup

sweetie0228 · May 2011

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s5r2spPJ8g

Methinks your H works so much to avoid the hard work of relationships.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

i have always said that one of the biggest benefits of being in a blended family is the ability to see the other person parent, BEFORE having kids of your own. He is showing you what kind of parent he will be-he isn't interested in it. Please don't try to convince yourself that he is actually sincere when he says that it will be different with you. It won't be. And even if it is, how f-d up for his already existing children. Is it fair to them to see their Dad be a better father to new siblings? I have no doubt whatsoever that if you two choose to have children he will slowly walk away from the other two completely. Those stories never end well.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

I don't think this makes my H a bad father or predicts that he will be a bad parent to our child.

I think he feels extremely torn. He WANTS it to be better. He WANTS to spend more time with them. But it never goes well for us. He's to the point where he thinks that not exposing them to something bad is better for them than putting them in the middle of it.

That's a tough choice, but that's how he feels. He WANTS to see them. We both want it to be better, but the reality is blended families aren't great and not really even good in our situation.

I'm trying to figure out how to make the best of a bad situation for us all.

I also believe that the marriage comes first, as do many others.

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

::SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE. SHAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEE:: this reminds me of the movie Hook when Robin Williams is like a crappy dad, ignores the kids cause he's working all the time. He goes to neverland and he just has to touch their fingers to get them back and he doesn't. And later, little jack is telling Hook "he didn't even try! He was there, we were there and he didn't even try" and starts crying, and puts he baseball hat over his face so Hook doesn't see him cry.

sweetie0228 · May 2011

Twink,

Your H is an "easy way out" kind a guy.

My Child is Dx'd with autism...my ex wife is willing and is doing the hard work of daily therapies...I won't interfere but complain that I have no say and I'm just a wallet...EASY WAY OUT.

I don't want the guilt of being close to the children but still only seeing them EOWnd so I won't move to be closer...EASY WAY OUT

I want things to be different but I'm not doing anything to change them...EASY WAY OUT.

I've been...and many on this board have been telling you, Your H is a crappy parent and is showing you daily that he won't fight for his children and his rights to be with them. He prefers to complain and take the easy way out, and that easy way out includes you shouldering the weight of his decisions to work 2 jobs, to travel and not be home and to live further away from civilization not so it will be easier for you b/c it's what he wants.

He is very selfish

Banana44 · May 2011

sweetie0228:

Twink,

Your H is an "easy way out" kind a guy.

My Child is Dx'd with autism...my ex wife is willing and is doing the hard work of daily therapies...I won't interfere but complain that I have no say and I'm just a wallet...EASY WAY OUT.

I don't want the guilt of being close to the children but still only seeing them EOWnd so I won't move to be closer...EASY WAY OUT

I want things to be different but I'm not doing anything to change them...EASY WAY OUT.

I've been...and many on this board have been telling you, Your H is a crappy parent and is showing you daily that he won't fight for his children and his rights to be with them. He prefers to complain and take the easy way out, and that easy way out includes you shouldering the weight of his decisions to work 2 jobs, to travel and not be home and to live further away from civilization not so it will be easier for you b/c it's what he wants.

He is very selfish

I just clicked the "LIKE" button!

xmaryrickx · May 2011

twinkl5379:

I don't think this makes my H a bad father or predicts that he will be a bad parent to our child. Please explain your basis for this. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior (thank you Dr. Phil). And please know I DO believe that people can and do change.

I think he feels extremely torn. He WANTS it to be better. He WANTS to spend more time with them. But it never goes well for us. He's to the point where he thinks that not exposing them to something bad is better for them than putting them in the middle of it. Does he realize the only way to make it better is to be present??? You can't fix something if you are not there to do so. There is no magic wand to wave to make it better. It is NOT bad for them to be with their father, why would it be? Can you explain this?

That's a tough choice, but that's how he feels. He WANTS to see them. We both want it to be better, but the reality is blended families aren't great and not really even good in our situation. Why isn't it even good? What are the issues?

I'm trying to figure out how to make the best of a bad situation for us all.

I also believe that the marriage comes first, as do many others. I am a firm believer that marriage comes first, but NOT at the sacrifice of the well-being of the children. Especially children that came before the marriage. It just isn't fair to them, and quite frankly they have already had enough not fair as it is.

Karma1969 · May 2011

This post is just sad.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

Response to xmaryrickx....My basis for not thinking he is a bad father is b/c I know his heart and I see him with his kids. He does everything for them. Even his x-wife said how great he was with them (i've seen old emails btwn them). Even my brother has commented how great he is with my nieces and nephews.

I'm trying to make him understand that being there won't make it worse. He has a hard time believing that. I think it will be better for him, but he doesn't think it will be better for me (and therefore everybody else. is that selfish?). He doesn't think it's "bad for them to be with their father." He thinks it's "bad for them to be in this step-family situation" and therefore doesn't want to expose it to them more often than we already do.

The issue is that we're in a step-family...all the issues that come along with that. It feels like there is an outsider in the house, and that is me. That makes things difficult b/c it just seems like we're all on edge, like we're not really comfortable together.

Re: the comment that my H is selfish. He's now said that we can move wherever I want to. He admitted that he's been slow to realize how much I don't like it here, but he was hopeful that it would get better.So he's trying to move away from that.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

Many of you say that he's selfish. In your eyes - he can't win. He's selfish for wanting me to live here so he can be close to his kids. But he's also a bad parent for then saying he'll move further away from them FOR ME.

It can't go both ways. How the hell does he pick one over the other? Can you imagine the struggle he must feel?

That's exactly it. I tell him how selfish he is b/c I have to live here and support him b/c he wants to live close to his kids. Yet, he's torn b/c it's hard to be a good parent but move away where your wife likes the weather and the city.

That's why I thought where the kids live was a good compromise. But he feels too much stress to even do that.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

twinkl5379:

Many of you say that he's selfish. In your eyes - he can't win. He's selfish for wanting me to live here so he can be close to his kids. But he's also a bad parent for then saying he'll move further away from them FOR ME. I don't think anyone thought he was selfish for having you move to him vs. him moving to you, when it would have taken him further away from his kids to do so. I think the issue there is, you move to someplace that you are not happy, then he leaves to go work on his fathers farm, thus leaving you all alone all the time in a place you hate. See the difference?

It can't go both ways. How the hell does he pick one over the other? Can you imagine the struggle he must feel? Nope, I can't. But he choose to marry you, just like you choose to marry him. He had to know before hand you were not thrilled to moving where ever it is you are.

That's exactly it. I tell him how selfish he is b/c I have to live here and support him b/c he wants to live close to his kids. Yet, he's torn b/c it's hard to be a good parent but move away where your wife likes the weather and the city.

That's why I thought where the kids live was a good compromise. But he feels too much stress to even do that. Why does this stress him out???

Being part of any family shouldn't be this gut wrenchingly terrible. I know very well how hard it is to be part of a blended family. We all do on this board. It requires sacrifices that are even greater than those made by bio-parents (IMO) because you have less control over the entire situation, and because lets face it the sacrifices aren't for your bio-kids. BUT, there is no reason for your family to always feel on edge, and awkward. That has very little to do with being blended and more to do with how it has been handled up till this point. You feel like an outsider because you have allowed that, and your H hasn't worked to integrate you into his family. It was just expected, and that doesn't work. It takes effort, on both of your parts to make it work.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

Let's not forget that he had agreed to move to this metro area, and I believe that has been the plan for quite sometime. It is selfish of him to take that back.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

He leaves to go work on the farm b/c his kid is autistic and that's extremely expensive. He does it for the money. The amount we pay for the kids is well over $2,000 per month.

We want to have a kid together as well. He's working hard to be able to afford everything. Do you call that selfish or SELF-LESS? I think it's selfless that he's willing to work his tail off to try to give everybody what they want/need.

Actually, I was so blindly in love when I moved here that I had no hesitation at all. If only we knew then...this reminds me of the analogy in the book I'm reading. Everybody likes to say "you knew he had kids so you should've known."

This is like saying "you knew he had a mother" when your mother-n-law turns out to be a b!tch. No, you don't know until you walk in the shoes.

The idea of moving there again stresses him out b/c it will hurt him too much to live where they live and feel like he can't see them as often he'd like to. He feels like he can't see them like he'd like to b/c it never goes well. He has lost hope that it will get better.

I'm trying to move us to a place of lowered expectations. A step-family will never be more than it is. Let's just get through those times.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

A step-family will never be more than it is??? What does this mean? What are your lowered expectations.

He works so hard, but it doesn't do any good, do you not understand that? You are miserable, he is miserable, and apparently his kids are miserable when they are with you guys. Where is the good in any of this???

twinkl5379 · May 2011

A step-family will never be more than it is??? What does this mean? What are your lowered expectations. In my experience, the step-family is full of complications and emotions. It's very difficult on a step-mom in particular (research shows this). I just don't think it to ever be like we're a bio-family - which has difficulties but also feelings of love, security and comfort. Unfortunately, my step-family brings none of those to me. And that's fine. I don't expect it to.

He works so hard, but it doesn't do any good, do you not understand that? You are miserable, he is miserable, and apparently his kids are miserable when they are with you guys. Where is the good in any of this??? That's a good question. I'm trying to figure out a solution that can bring about some good. He says he's happy with me, and I am happy with him. I want our marriage to work and am willing to do what it takes. He is too.

I am starting counseling again next wk b/c I'm really at a loss about how to "find the good in this", and I'm really struggling, so thank you for your responses.

I can't sort out whether my unhappiness is coming from which of the following:

-being in a step-family and not having a great relationship w/s-kids

-moving to a small city when I want to live in a metro area

-being alone so much b/c my H travels and I have no family here (and only a couple of friends)

-am content with my job but often desire more

-my continued health problems

-my potential infertility (am visiting the dr. again this month).

Honestly, I was very much a positive person before I moved here with no health issues...ever. I was very happy and often felt LUCKY (that's really how I described my life) as I cleaned my house on Sat. mornings.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

twinkl5379:

A step-family will never be more than it is??? What does this mean? What are your lowered expectations. In my experience, the step-family is full of complications and emotions. It's very difficult on a step-mom in particular (research shows this). I just don't think it to ever be like we're a bio-family - which has difficulties but also feelings of love, security and comfort. Unfortunately, my step-family brings none of those to me. And that's fine. I don't expect it to.

This breaks my heart on so many levels. All families have complications and emotions-that is normal, and not exclusive to BF's. And yes it is freaking hard to be a SM. But I think you have some serious issues if you think that many of those same issues are not had by traditional mothers in traditional families.

It really breaks my heart that you don't find love, security, and comfort in your family, bio or not. And it is even sadder that you don't expect to find it. I think this has way more to do with you, than it does with your BF. And it really does make me very very sad for you.

I get the difficulties of being in a BF. I truely do. My SS hates me, like he really hates me, and my SD is a 24 yo single mom, who hates the world and refuses to do anything at all to make her life better. It is flucking hard as shitt. BUT, they are my family, just like H is my family. I will deal with their crap, I will help them however I can, and in that love them regardless of how they feel about me.

I need to download this Stepmonster book, because if the above is what you have gotten from it, I need to know what is in it that others have raved over, because that sounds like crap to me.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

xmaryrickx:
twinkl5379:

A step-family will never be more than it is??? What does this mean? What are your lowered expectations. In my experience, the step-family is full of complications and emotions. It's very difficult on a step-mom in particular (research shows this). I just don't think it to ever be like we're a bio-family - which has difficulties but also feelings of love, security and comfort. Unfortunately, my step-family brings none of those to me. And that's fine. I don't expect it to.

This breaks my heart on so many levels. All families have complications and emotions-that is normal, and not exclusive to BF's. And yes it is freaking hard to be a SM. But I think you have some serious issues if you think that many of those same issues are not had by traditional mothers in traditional families.

It really breaks my heart that you don't find love, security, and comfort in your family, bio or not. And it is even sadder that you don't expect to find it. I think this has way more to do with you, than it does with your BF. And it really does make me very very sad for you.

I get the difficulties of being in a BF. I truely do. My SS hates me, like he really hates me, and my SD is a 24 yo single mom, who hates the world and refuses to do anything at all to make her life better. It is flucking hard as shitt. BUT, they are my family, just like H is my family. I will deal with their crap, I will help them however I can, and in that love them regardless of how they feel about me.

I need to download this Stepmonster book, because if the above is what you have gotten from it, I need to know what is in it that others have raved over, because that sounds like crap to me.

You know, what you said really helps. I keep wondering what I'm missing in this. Maybe I"m not missing anything. This is what it is, so I better enjoy it.

Yes, you should read Stepmonster. Some of it I got from that, some from my experience.

fellesferie · May 2011

You and your husband are supposed to provide each other with love, comfort, and security, and then you both together provide that to the children.

If you're not getting those things, that has nothing to do with the kids, where you live, or your work. That has to do with your marriage. Since it's clear that your husband loves you--enough to put your happiness above all things--it should just be a communication issue that can be fixed.

You said something about "if you knew then what you knew now..." What would you do? Would you still be in the relationship? Would you still have married your husband?

As far as what's making you unhappy, the first thing you list is your relationship with the stepkids. That's never going to improve without more effort and time from you guys. It's just not. The kids can't bridge the gap, so it HAS to be your husband and you.

And no, your H's past performance is not the only predictor in what kind of dad he'll be if you two have a baby. But it does tell you something. Your husband sounds like a guy that tries hard but doesn't always try hard at the right thing.

You guys are both being torn in too many directions and something is going to have to give at some point.

Moose2000 · May 2011

twinkl5379:
He leaves to go work on the farm b/c his kid is autistic and that's extremely expensive. He does it for the money. The amount we pay for the kids is well over $2,000 per month.
We want to have a kid together as well. He's working hard to be able to afford everything. Do you call that selfish or SELF-LESS? I think it's selfless that he's willing to work his tail off to try to give everybody what they want/need.
Actually, I was so blindly in love when I moved here that I had no hesitation at all. If only we knew then...this reminds me of the analogy in the book I'm reading. Everybody likes to say "you knew he had kids so you should've known."
This is like saying "you knew he had a mother" when your mother-n-law turns out to be a b!tch. No, you don't know until you walk in the shoes.
The idea of moving there again stresses him out b/c it will hurt him too much to live where they live and feel like he can't see them as often he'd like to. He feels like he can't see them like he'd like to b/c it never goes well. He has lost hope that it will get better.
I'm trying to move us to a place of lowered expectations. A step-family will never be more than it is. Let's just get through those times.

I could not disagree with you more! A blended family is not always "easy" on everyone, but neither are traditional homes. A blended family can work as smoothly as you perceive a traditional family to do so. There are many women here who can attest to that. Yes, it does present its own set of challenges, but we are all adults. We can make the decision to love and nurture those children who are simply caught in between.

You are in a very special place - you can help, and support those boys. They don't have to be "yours" to do so. It sounds like you need to grow up and accept the responsibility you have bought onto yourself - get over it, and start bonding. Make yourself interact and learn about who these special people are. It takes an effort to be a "mom".

xmaryrickx · May 2011

twinkl5379:
xmaryrickx:
twinkl5379:

A step-family will never be more than it is??? What does this mean? What are your lowered expectations. In my experience, the step-family is full of complications and emotions. It's very difficult on a step-mom in particular (research shows this). I just don't think it to ever be like we're a bio-family - which has difficulties but also feelings of love, security and comfort. Unfortunately, my step-family brings none of those to me. And that's fine. I don't expect it to.

This breaks my heart on so many levels. All families have complications and emotions-that is normal, and not exclusive to BF's. And yes it is freaking hard to be a SM. But I think you have some serious issues if you think that many of those same issues are not had by traditional mothers in traditional families.

It really breaks my heart that you don't find love, security, and comfort in your family, bio or not. And it is even sadder that you don't expect to find it. I think this has way more to do with you, than it does with your BF. And it really does make me very very sad for you.

I get the difficulties of being in a BF. I truely do. My SS hates me, like he really hates me, and my SD is a 24 yo single mom, who hates the world and refuses to do anything at all to make her life better. It is flucking hard as shitt. BUT, they are my family, just like H is my family. I will deal with their crap, I will help them however I can, and in that love them regardless of how they feel about me.

I need to download this Stepmonster book, because if the above is what you have gotten from it, I need to know what is in it that others have raved over, because that sounds like crap to me.

You know, what you said really helps. I keep wondering what I'm missing in this. Maybe I"m not missing anything. This is what it is, so I better enjoy it.

Yes, you should read Stepmonster. Some of it I got from that, some from my experience.

I think it is so important to realize that a BF while different from a traditional non-BF, is still a family. Why do you think you feel such a distinction? Why do you feel like the odd man out? You should not feel that way. No, they are not your children, but they are your family, just like your MIL or your FIL or SIL are your family now.

From what you have said previously, it sounds like you had a pretty idyllic life/childhood. I have to say, so did I. But, for the most part that isn't the case, and you really do have to make the best of every situation.

As for the whole, you knew what you were getting into when you moved/married a man with kids. I get that things in life come up that we don't expect. Do you think I expected to be a step grandmother at the age of 29??? HELLSNO!!! But, I married a man older than me who, at the time had a daughter in her late teens, it was always a possibility. When you marry someone with kids you have to expect the challenges (in the broad sense) that come with that. Whether it be financial, emotional, or otherwise, being a family will always be challenging.

I am sorry that this is so hard for you. I am glad you are going to counseling, and I hope that your H seeks some too. His attitude suggests that he really needs it.

CurlyQ284 · May 2011

Moose2000:
twinkl5379:
He leaves to go work on the farm b/c his kid is autistic and that's extremely expensive. He does it for the money. The amount we pay for the kids is well over $2,000 per month.
We want to have a kid together as well. He's working hard to be able to afford everything. Do you call that selfish or SELF-LESS? I think it's selfless that he's willing to work his tail off to try to give everybody what they want/need.
Actually, I was so blindly in love when I moved here that I had no hesitation at all. If only we knew then...this reminds me of the analogy in the book I'm reading. Everybody likes to say "you knew he had kids so you should've known."
This is like saying "you knew he had a mother" when your mother-n-law turns out to be a b!tch. No, you don't know until you walk in the shoes.
The idea of moving there again stresses him out b/c it will hurt him too much to live where they live and feel like he can't see them as often he'd like to. He feels like he can't see them like he'd like to b/c it never goes well. He has lost hope that it will get better.
I'm trying to move us to a place of lowered expectations. A step-family will never be more than it is. Let's just get through those times.
I could not disagree with you more! A blended family is not always "easy" on everyone, but neither are traditional homes. A blended family can work as smoothly as you perceive a traditional family to do so. There are many women here who can attest to that. Yes, it does present its own set of challenges, but we are all adults. We can make the decision to love and nurture those children who are simply caught in between.
You are in a very special place - you can help, and support those boys. They don't have to be "yours" to do so. It sounds like you need to grow up and accept the responsibility you have bought onto yourself - get over it, and start bonding. Make yourself interact and learn about who these special people are. It takes an effort to be a "mom".

Yes! In this whole post, you keep blaming it on having a blended family so its supposed to suck. The whole time you've been postings, I don't think I've ever seen you accept responsibility for your family's status. It's never yours or DHs fault, its BMs fault, its the distance, its less than fun visitation, now its just because its a blended family. No, there are happy blended families. You all are being lazy and selfish. There are dozens of people saying this. Quit blaming it on the fact that your family is blended, that's BS. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You can sit on your butt and read books and quote about the horrors of blended families. That doesn't make you a good stepmom or your husband a good dad. Get in the freakin car, pick the kids up and take them to a frickin park. For crying out loud. I started dating my DH when I was 19 and i had more sense!

twinkl5379 · May 2011

there have been a lot of good comments but i wanted to respond to one. I wish my childhood would've been ideal, but it was far frm it. my parents fought a lot. my dad had a temper. my mom attended an AA mtg to see if my dad was an alcoholoic but realized he didn't fit the "typical" description. my brother called me about midnight when he was maybe 18 and i was 20 saying that he'd taken a bunch of pills to end his life. i encouraged him to drive to my house downtown. i then called the police who contacted my parents and i took him to the hospital. my parents found his suicide letter. he ended up fine but struggling w?/drugs. my family all drug into it. family counseling, etc. just a sampling of the craziness. i was always the good one ( my parents never caught me esp. when he was a terror!). through it all, i still feel a closeness with them even though it is dysfunctional on so many levels.

twinkl5379 · May 2011

wendilea:
twinkl5379:
there have been a lot of good comments but i wanted to respond to one. I wish my childhood would've been ideal, but it was far frm it. my parents fought a lot. my dad had a temper. my mom attended an AA mtg to see if my dad was an alcoholoic but realized he didn't fit the "typical" description. my brother called me about midnight when he was maybe 18 and i was 20 saying that he'd taken a bunch of pills to end his life. i encouraged him to drive to my house downtown. i then called the police who contacted my parents and i took him to the hospital. my parents found his suicide letter. he ended up fine but struggling w?/drugs. my family all drug into it. family counseling, etc. just a sampling of the craziness. i was always the good one ( my parents never caught me esp. when he was a terror!). through it all, i still feel a closeness with them even though it is dysfunctional on so many levels.
Soo?? My mother is bipolar and doesn't remember the 80's - ANY OF THEM -- those were my teen years. She would beat me bloody and wouldn't remember doing it. I left home at 17 after attempting suicide. I could write a frickin' screenplay on dysfunctional families.
None of that is who I am now. If anything, I am a BETTER mother because of what I went through. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR!!!!! You need to work on making your current family unit work, without blaming everything in the universe for why it does not. A family takes work. Birth or blended - everyone has skeletons and dysfunction. It's how the adults choose to deal with the situation that makes it work.

This was not meant to be an excuse for why things are hard for me now. This was just to say that if I've made it seem like my childhood was great, it wasn't. Despite that, I've also had a great life and most definitely made the best of it...until these struggles. The point was that I did not grow up with glitter and butterflies. This isn't the first challenge in my life, but somehow, it's still the most difficult. For whatever reason...that's what I'm trying to figure out. the point was that i am no stranger to challenges but have successfully overcome them and still remained a secure, loving feeling with my family.

xmaryrickx · May 2011

twinkl5379:
there have been a lot of good comments but i wanted to respond to one. I wish my childhood would've been ideal, but it was far frm it. my parents fought a lot. my dad had a temper. my mom attended an AA mtg to see if my dad was an alcoholoic but realized he didn't fit the "typical" description. my brother called me about midnight when he was maybe 18 and i was 20 saying that he'd taken a bunch of pills to end his life. i encouraged him to drive to my house downtown. i then called the police who contacted my parents and i took him to the hospital. my parents found his suicide letter. he ended up fine but struggling w?/drugs. my family all drug into it. family counseling, etc. just a sampling of the craziness. i was always the good one ( my parents never caught me esp. when he was a terror!). through it all, i still feel a closeness with them even though it is dysfunctional on so many levels.

Pretty much everyone can pick out shitty things from their lives. I could give you a laundry list (alcoholics, deaths, and more drama then you can imagine). It's part of life. However, you have said time and time again how close you are to your family. How wonderful they are, etc. You said earlier in this post that before you moved you were exceedingly happy, don't remember the exact quote, but that was the gist. Those things would lead one to believe that you have had a pretty great life.

Please go back and read your posts from the last year. I just wasted an hour or so of my life doing just that (snuggling with the dog made the time fly). You are basically in the same place you have been for a year, and even more, the nest only goes back one year though. In quite a few of those posts, one particular that I cannot remember the title of at the moment, you responded to me saying how things have gotten soooooo much better, and you have come such a long way. Do you really think that Twink? Are things really that much better than they were a year ago? Or two years ago? I am sure some things might be, but in the big giant over all picture of life, are things really better? (you do know I am Paris, right?)

IDK what it is about you Twink, I really don't I have said it in just about all of your posts. I like you. I often understand where you are coming from and the basis for your feelings. I know what it is like to struggle with a BF, I really do. I wish I could just bring you here and put you through Mary Bootcamp. I don't think you would like it, but seriously you need it.

Jessys_Girl · May 2011

twinkl5379:

I think he feels extremely torn. He WANTS it to be better. He WANTS to spend more time with them. But it never goes well for us. He's to the point where he thinks that not exposing them to something bad is better for them than putting them in the middle of it.

1) This is NOT about you guys, it's about the KIDS.

2) "he's to the point where he thinks that not exposing them to something bad is better for them than putting them in the middle of it"--what does this mean? Does this mean that you guys fight when the kids are around? If so, you should feel awful that he's choosing to make you happy rather than see his kids.

twinkl5379:

That's a tough choice, but that's how he feels. He WANTS to see them. We both want it to be better, but the reality is blended families aren't great and not really even good in our situation.

I'm trying to figure out how to make the best of a bad situation for us all.

I also believe that the marriage comes first, as do many others.

1) Blended families CAN be great, if you choose to allow them to be.

2) The way to make the best of a bad situation is to stop making it a bad situation.

3) Marriage IS very important, however his children came before you...and you married a man who has children, GET OVER IT.

twinkl5379:

The idea of moving there again stresses him out b/c it will hurt him too much to live where they live and feel like he can't see them as often he'd like to. He feels like he can't see them like he'd like to b/c it never goes well. He has lost hope that it will get better.

I'm trying to move us to a place of lowered expectations. A step-family will never be more than it is. Let's just get through those times.

WHY can't he see them as often as he'd like to if he moves near them? Because YOU'VE said you don't want to increase visits. So he's trying to please YOU and not his children. He's lost hope that it'll get better because YOU seem to be standing in the way of it getting better.

And what does "a step-family will never be more than it is." mean? These kids are your DH's FAMILY, not his STEP family...they are YOUR stepfamily.

tumble · June 2011

for sure MUD!

Phantomgirl · June 2011

Twink I think I get what you are saying about your DH. Not that he wants an excuse to not see his kids, but as things are so bad when they are there he uses the distance to explain why he does not take them more. It is not an excuse but more of a cover story.

He is scarred that if you move closer and time increases, the bad times will increase and that will not be good for any of you, including the kids.

I get it and it does not make him a bad guy.

It makes him a very conflicted guy who probably has a great deal of pain in his life right now. I think he works all the hours god sends because he is running from what's in his head and work distracts him. I actually feel very sorry for him.

I also think that you are the cause of a lot all the problems in your life right now. I think he sounds like the type of H that would do anything for his wife and you sound like the type of wife who won't do the one thing that would make her DH incredibly happy.

I don't think you won't do it because you are a biotch, I think you won't do it because right now you don't know how. I think that you don't have the tools to change right now. I am glad you are going back to counseling and I genuinely hope you get more from it this time.

I can identify hugely with you, I think the difference is I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am taking action so to speak.

I think as much as you wanted to get married and have a family of your own you were no where near ready to. You have no fvcking idea who Twink is.

I admire your honesty on this board and I am glad that you and DH can talk about these things. However talking is not enough it is time for action.

You need to get help and move on OR you need to get the fvck out of your marriage because you do not have the right to deny those kids a relationship with their father. BF can be tough but so can life in general and I genuinely believe that it is as tough as we choose to make it.

I have great compassion for you because I bet it sucks to be you right now. I would hate to feel like I was living a life that I did not want and that things were out of control.

You NEED HELP to understand your feelings and emotions. Only when you understand what is going on for you will you be able to react appropriately to them.

Your DH deserves to have his wife and kids in his life, he deserves to be happy. I can't imagine being the person who would deprive my DH of seeing his son - actually I would hate to be that person. AND I know beyond a doubt that he would eventually resent the fvck out of me for it.

You and DH are not bad people, in fact I bet you are are very loving caring person in general. You just seems a little lost in life. Get help Twink you deserve better then this and so does your DH and especially those kids.

Things can be good and BF's can be happy. There are many of us here who are living proof of that.

twinkl5379 · June 2011

xmaryrickx (yes, I realized you were Paris , fellles and phantom - thank you ladies for understanding the place that I am at and acknowledging that it doesn't make me a terrible person. I know that I am not and can look past others who make rude comments

Though I've had terrible things said about myself and my H, I keep coming back here b/c there are people like you that give genuine advice that I need and want to hear. Also b/c my H and I both have our hearts in the right place; I am certain of that.

Your summaries of our situation are very much right on. Why we haven't been able to improve via our actions as Phantom said, I'm not sure. But that's what I'm working on and will continue. You all have valid points that I'm taking to heart and am looking forward to improving things.

Last night (after reading a lot of this) was actually better than it's been in a couple of weeks. So thanks again.

And what I meant by saying that things have improved is the actual visits when the kids are here. Most of those are "just fine" now where they used to be more dramatic btwn my H and myself (trying to keep it out of sight from the kids).

J&A2008 · June 2011

twinkl5379:

Re: his past w/the kids...he said that when he was married to his x, parenting was frustrating b/c he was not happy in his life. He enjoyed it much more when he was single.

I cannot believe a grown woman would be this naive to believe when she has babies with him it's all going to be nirvana and of course her DH will suddenly have an interest in parenting and she herself will love the kids.

I think it's disgusting you could consider TTC when you not only have a financial mess on your hands, you've got a known selfishness time bomb waiting to explode and destroy his next "family."

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