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Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
Non-custodial parents extra curricular activities? ETA short timeline
TheBuddha
member
My husband and I have custody of his 8 year old son. William lives with us (he just moved in January 1 of this year, we were in court for 2 years) and this spring we put him in baseball (upon William's request). He has games every weekend. So here is my question...
When his game falls on a Saturday that is OUR weekend, the mother (non-custodial parent) shows up to the games. Her and her new boyfriend stand right behind the fence by the bench. They hang their arms over the fence and talk to William the ENTIRE game. Wendy (the mother) asks him how he is feeling, asks how his allergies are, and then after the game makes him kiss her in front of all his friends. Last weekend he refused and she told him she was going to take away his Nintendo if he did not kiss her.
It is crazy. The new boyfriend she has is a real tough guy and likes to send me nasty text messages. What are Wendy's rights during these baseball games that are on our weekends? It is NOT her legal visitation time. Can we ask her to leave? Or the very least, can we ask her to take a seat in the bleachers? It is really ruining the baseball season for us and for my stepson. William informed us that the boyfriend told him to swing differently than his coach did and he is confused.
Can she legally be there during our visitation? We do not bother her during her visitation time.
ETA: I'm sorry, I think I need a short timeline/background to help explain myself.
Baseball season started early April. The first game fell on BM's weekend but DH asked if he could please keep SS until Saturday so he could take him to his first game. Amazing BM agreed. She came to the game because she was taking SS home with her afterwards.
For the first game the new boyfriend was not in the picture. BM spent the game in the stands looking at her phone and in her car. She got in her car 3 seperate times to move to a different parking spot, then at one point left the premises. She barely watched any of the game and she did not bother SS during it.
Next couple games are on our weekend, BM does not show up.
Introduce new boyfriend to the picture. Saturday game, our weekend, BM and new boyfriend show up. They stand behind the bench and talk to SS the entire game. By the end of the game SS is ignoring BM. The new boyfriend is coaching him while he is warming up in the batter's box. Sunday game (one day later, rain make up game) BM comes by herself. She mostly sits in the bleachers, but every time there is another mother standing by the fence she stands by the fence.
There are also games on Wednesdays and Thursday, BM has not come to any of those, but on the phone BM tells SS she will be there.
Don't know if that helps. That is why this past weekend was so frustrating.
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: Non-custodial parents extra curricular activities? ETA short timeline
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
There is nothing wrong with what she is doing. Yes, a parent is allowed to go to their child's game. It's a public place. Unless there is a protective/restraining order, she is allowed to be there. You may not like it, but no, there is nothing you can do about it and no you can't tell her to sit in the bleachers. Would you tell another parent to go sit in the bleachers? Different parents have different parenting styles and some are the type that hang out by the dugout and "coach" their children and some sit in bleachers. How is this ruining the season? You actually expect her not to come to her son's games?
She has every right to be at his games. I'm sorry her behavior bothers you (it would bother me, too) but there's not much you can do about it. Be glad she wants to be a part of her son's life even when its not on her visitation time.
DH goes to all of SS's games, whether we have him or not. I've even gone to a few games without DH because I feel it's important that he has support from both sides of the family.
So do you and your DH not go to his games when it's on her weekend?
As far as the texting goes, you can and should do something about that. It is harassment and you don't have to put up with it.
Don't get so defensive. I am not out of line.
We just got custody of SS in January because BM did not put him in kindergarten. She waited past the registration deadline and then claimed she would homeschool him. We tested him midway through the year and he had learned NOTHING. She was spending every night at her boyfriends house and SS was sleeping on the couch.
Then when he was enrolled in 1st grade he was VERY behind. She was still sleeping at her BF's house (90 minutes away from her home) and then waking my SS up to drive 90 minutes to drop him off at school.
She is 36 years old, lives at home with her parents and hasn't worked in 8 years. She sleeps in the same bed with SS at her parents home.
Many times when DH would drop SS off (at her parents house where she lived) after weekend visitation she would not even be there, she would be 90 minutes away with her BF.
She did not care. She had NO interest in taking care of her child. Now that we have custody she wants to show everyone just how much she cares. His grades and standardized testing scores have improved HUGE in the last 5 months that he has lived with us. She is paying no child support, has no job, and is just hanging around her parents house all day.
Obviously there was a problem because a judge took her kid away from her. It is not easy to take a child away from their mother. She had no interest in raising this little boy, and now that we've decided too she wants to show the world what a great mother she is.
Honestly? Yes, I expected her not to. She did not involve him in anything when he lived with her. She did not even teach him to ride a bicycle or tie his shoes.
Knowing what kind of mother she reallly is, who knows if she'll continue coming to the games...maybe not? But if she does, maybe losing the kid was a real wake-up call and now she is trying to do better. If so, that is a positive thing for your SS. If not, time will tell.
I agree with KarateChrissy 100% one everything said. And as a karate instructor, she knows what she's talking about in this instance (of course, she always does lol).
However, I also would take note of what Hopanka said. Yes, you are annoyed and upset that now that your SS lives with you BM is going out of her way to look like the good and perfect mother. I get that, I really do. We have gone through the same thing ourselves (my DH has custody of 5yo SD). Our BM tried to go over the top at first to make herself look good (since she also lost custody of her other two children to her ex-H). And BM's parents have done the same. But as Twinkle pointed out, if she has a history of being flaky with SS, then just wait and see if she fades out eventually. Our BM did.
I think if the coach perceives a problem with BM, then he will say something himself. If he is not saying anything to her, then maybe you just need to dig your panties out of your butt and grow up about this. She is and will always be your SS's mother. She is and will always be a part of his life, whether she is a good parent or not.
If your SS says he is embarrassed, tell him it is ok to kiss your mom in front of friends because it means you love them that much, but if it really bothers him, then he can tell her he'll give her a kiss before she leaves and just give her a big hug when she gets there. Your H should probably be the one talking to him about this, btw, so he doesn't say "Buddha said..." and just make her want to rile you up more (which is probably a big part of what she is doing).
About the swinging techniques, your H could say that SS is confused because someone else has told him to do it differently, and he thinks it would be a good idea to go over swinging again and reiterate that he should follow the coach's directions while on this coach's team.
As for the harassment, you don't have to take that. You can go to your provider and have the number blocked from your phone. Or do what most adults do, and ignore it.
One particular thing that bothered me about this post, and I don't know if anyone else touched on it or not. Your H does not go to games on BM's time, so you expect her not to come to games on yH's time? Really? First off, that just makes you and your H look like jackasses. And can you really be so petty and childish that you would make SS suffer? I'm sure it would hurt him much more if BM stopped coming to all his games than it does when she makes him kiss her. And I'm sure he would love to know that all the fighting between his parents (even if there is no fighting in front of him, he can feel the tension and see your eye rolls), I bet it would make him feel wonderful if he knew that everyone loved him enough to set their differences aside for his games. It is about him. Not you, your feelings, or BM. Baseball is about your SS. If you and your H want to be petty and childish, then go ahead and limit the games you go to because of the people that will be there, but you can't make BM do the same. In fact, she knows she is pissing you off, and she will continue as long as she is getting the reaction she wants. Act like you enjoy her being part of SS's life, and I guarantee she'll either shape up or back off.
I agree that you can't legally keep her away. However, I will say that she your H should probably talk to her and tell her she needs to be respectful of the fact that he is at a game and to sit in the bleachers away from him while he is playing. Tell your SS to listen to the coach as that is what he is therefore. I might bring it up to a Lawyer that she is interfering with your H's parenting time and although you don't want to ban her from the games she does need to be respectful of that. She can come say hi/bye and chat a little bit with him (in your H's) presence before and after the game. If you guys don't want to tell her then I would maybe bring it up to the coach that it's distracting the kid and to see if he can talk to her and have her sit on the bench.
My SD's mom would call sometimes on our weekends and see if she could drop by and give her something...not all the time it just happened a handful of times. WE just told her NO that we had stuff going on but she could give it to her when she was there next (my H also has custody).
About mom's boyfriend...yeah, I would have your H confront him about that. Keep us posted. I am curious how this one turns out.
Ok, ok, calm down. I was just telling my story and seeing what I should do.
I understand baseball is about my SS. That is why I enrolled him and we paid for it. I said we don't bother her during her weekends, there hasn't been a game so far that has fallen on her weekend. If there was a game on her weekend, we would definitely go (I love to watch him play) but we would mind our business, watch the game, then go home.
Believe me, I know this is about the child. I have made a lot of sacrifices so that H could take BM to court and fight for him. Now he lives with us and as the mother of the household I do a lot of work to help take care of him. On top of all the extra tutoring and reading and homework he needed to do to actually get caught up in school. He was very close to being held back.
It is very hard to watch her act like this when she didn't give a sh!t before, but now she is acting like supermom. Maybe I was just looking for some encouragement. I don't know. For those of you who had solid, constructive advice without belittling me, thank you. I am new to this, SS just came to live with us 6 months ago and BM HATES my guts. She has sent every new boyfriend after me so this isn't the first of her boyfriends I have dealt with.
And I can understand why she hates me, her kid lives with me. However, in the 2 years we were in court, she could have gotten a job or enrolled in school and gotten SS some extra help in school and she probably would have won in court. But she did NOTHING. She did absolutely nothing to better her situation and now she is pissed at ME. It is exhausting.
I can completely understand this, and if you and your H are the ones doing all the work, feeling this way is justified. I have certainly been in your shoes. I am probably the youngest regular SM here, and it was a huge adjustment going from parenting half the time, to having my own son and DH taking custody of SD all in the same week (temporary emergency grant at the time, but now it is permanent). In fact, I was a "mom" of two before I left the hospital with my first child. So yes, it can be hard to see when you know the truth. In the back of your mind, you want everyone else to see the truth, too.
But letting yourself be so upset by it is only going to hurt you and even the way that your SS feels about you, because he will sense how stressed out his mother makes you and how tense you get when she is around. Even if he doesn't act like he notices anything, he can feel it. If he thinks you and his mother at odds and you are a contributing party, then he will probably blame everything on you because he will always side with his BM over you. That is just nature, and no matter what happens and what you do for him, it's how it is.
My advice is to breathe a little. You can only control what you do, not even what your DH and SS do at your house. If you can keep yourself calm and act like it's not a huge deal, then you will talk yourself into feeling better and be more relaxed. Easy to say, hard to do. I know.
(Ex) Just wait until you both are at the Muffins-with-Moms breakfast at his school. Especially when all you want to do is show everyone there that BM is a loser. I already did that earlier this Spring. And as much as I wanted the other parents talking to her to see her for who she was, I acted like we were friends and respected their biological relationship and allowed BM to take the spotlight.
I didn't mean to be snide or mean, I was being honest. I've been there, and I can encourage you to be the bigger person, but this isn't a situation that warrants sympathy. You got good advice from several people, and that should be your encouragement.