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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Been ok lately-- just triggered by "House" episode :'(
Hi there,
I haven't been on this board in many weeks (maybe a month), partially because I felt like I needed to distract myself with other things and try to mentally "move on," even though my m/c is something that has forever changed me. However, I also felt like I wasn't needing quite as much support because I've been feeling more "back on track" with my life. I have actually been doing pretty well in the last month or so-- have been on a eating/exercise program to lose some weight, got accepted to a Masters program for teaching, finances have been a tiny bit better, and of course, I've been appreciative for more sunny days after such a long winter and rainy April (and May!).
Having said all this, I still think about our little baby pretty frequently. I did buy a little plant in memoriam, but I was upset that the flowers all fell off not long after I brought it home from the greenhouse and now it seems like it's dying... I had wanted to try to feel something positive about seeing that at least this plant would grow if I took care of it-- now even that is a sad reminder. :-(
Anyway, as I said, I have been doing ok these days-- but tonight I was in for an unpleasant jolt when I watched one the most recent episodes of "House" online. I imagine some of you may have already seen it, but I'm not sure. Anyway, the storyline does not initially seem to have any connection to miscarriage whatsoever (the initial patient isn't even a woman!). Without going into the whole plot, all I'll say is that it eventually revealed a "crazy" woman who'd had 3 miscarriages. I was so upset with the way the story and character were written and portrayed (as well as her husband's reaction towards her at one point). I didn't say anything to my husband while we were watching the show, but after it was over I just broke down. I haven't cried like that in almost a month.
I realize how scared I am about not only having another (or god forbid, multiple) miscarriage, but of becoming the "crazy lady who can't have children." Because you know what I was thinking? I was thinking, "If I had that many miscarriages and couldn't have kids, I would just go insane."
I know this sounds awful-- but sometimes I do think that if I discovered I couldn't have kids, I would want to die. Not being able to have your own children is heartbreaking, but I also have thought about the many, many obstacles that could prevent us from adopting too if that were a route we had to go (poor finances and having bipolar do not look good on an adoption application).
I feel so sad and scared all over again because of this stupid TV episode. Did anyone else see it? Can anyone else relate to these fears of being the woman who goes crazy from the heartbreak of being forever childless?
Thanks for listening,
Cari
BFP #1: 3/23/11 natural m/c: 4/1/11 @ 5 wks 5 d Taking a break from TTC to sort out health issues and finish grad school...
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." -- Frank Herbert
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Re: Been ok lately-- just triggered by "House" episode :'(
6 medicated cycles, 2 pregnancies, 1 ectopic April 2011, Early Miscarriage August 2011
7 more cycles, 1 IUI, No success after last pregnancy
7/1/2012 No more fertility coverage
8/17/2012 started pursuing domestic infant adoption!
11/26/2012 HOME STUDY APPROVED!!!
When relaxing didn't work is my new blog!
I totally know how you ladies feel. I'm so scared to try to get pregnant because of my fears that the pregnancy will not be viable again. I have a follow up to my D and C on Friday and I plan to ask a million questions to help me be prepared.
Also, I appreciate the heads up about House. My husband loves that show and has it recorded. I will avoid seeing it.
My biggest challenge this week was when I was at the grocery store. A baby was crying (clearly distraught) and the mother was not responding or soothing it, she was chatting with her friends and ignoring the crying baby in the stroller. I wanted to scream at her. It was really awful.
Late to this, but I'm so sorry for your loss.
I bawled during that House episode, so sad. If you are a Bones TV show watcher, and haven't seen tonight's episode, I bawled during that too. Nothing bad happened, but there was a birth and it was just incredibly perfect. My DH stopped the show and said, we don't have to watch this and was really sweet. I told him it was fine, it just made me think of what could have been.