Hello, let me introduce myself first..
For the first 30 years of my life, everything was smooth and worry-free. I was my parents’ most beloved child, found my true love in college, and happily married him after graduation.
At work, I was my boss’s most valued employee. Whenever I was in charge of a project, colleagues would inevitably say, “Oh, then I’m totally at ease.” I was constantly named “Employee of the Year,” with generous bonuses every year.
Later, I started my own business. Within just three months, I had broken into the market and started making money. By the fifth month, I was earning twice my previous salary. Growth was steady month after month. Right when the business needed more hands, I serendipitously met an amazing partner, and the company reached a whole new level.
Really, it seemed like at every step, whatever I needed, a pair of hands would always place it right in front of me, just in time.
My Two Girls: Ellie & Mia
Meet Ellie, My Firstborn
In 2020, my husband and I decided to have a child. After trying for over a year, we finally got the news in 2021 that a little one was on the way. In 2022, we welcomed our first child, Ellie. She made me a mother.
She is utterly adorable—big eyes, rosy skin, chubby little hands. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but give her a kiss. She is pure joy, and I love her more each day.
But as a first-time mom, I faced unprecedented difficulties. The postpartum tearing wouldn’t heal, and the pain was excruciating. Clogged milk ducts made my breasts hard as rocks. The severe sleep deprivation… And what was even more crushing was that, with zero parenting experience, I was clueless when faced with her unexplained wailing, night terrors, refusal to nurse, constipation, diarrhea, fevers… I desperately searched online, longing for one accurate, truly useful answer!
It was during this time that I thought, once I make it through this “dark” path, I must leave a light on for other new moms.
And Then Came Mia
Ellie had just turned one when I got pregnant again. In 2024, we welcomed our second daughter, Mia.
Completely different from Ellie, Mia is a great eater and sleeper. Although she had her fussy moments in the first two months, starting almost from month three, she became super easygoing. She feeds on schedule, gradually sleeps through the night, loves her solid foods, and adapted quickly when I had to stop breastfeeding due to mastitis.
This made me realize just how vastly different babies can be! It made me even more determined to write about my experiences.
Why I Had to Start This Blog
The Catalyst: A Life Pivoted
After Mia was born, my business also began to decline sharply. I had no choice but to close it and become a full-time mom. My work no longer involves Excel and Word, but instead revolves around changing diapers, washing bottles, making baby food, and managing household chores…
This has been a monumental challenge for me. All my past achievements seem irrelevant now. Managing two young children has brought me a sense of frustration I’ve never known before.
The Daily Reality
They are always fighting over things. When one is in my arms, the other immediately demands to be held too. When I try to cook, Ellie wants me to read her a book. When I attempt to load the washing machine, Mia has a diaper blowout, and I must drop everything to change her…
By the time I finish all that, I see the cup of hot coffee on the table has gone cold again. And it’s not until evening that I remember, “Oh my goodness, the clothes are still in the hamper, unwashed!”
Of course, being a mom is filled with happiness, but that doesn’t negate how hard it is.
My Promise to You
Because I’ve walked this path myself, I won’t just tell you how joyful motherhood is, like many websites do. I want to share my real, unfiltered experiences so every new mom can find a “companion” here.
I want to tell you: you are not alone. What you’re going through, I’ve been there too. Your breakdowns, your helplessness, your moments of losing control—I’ve had them all. You don’t need to feel guilty. This is just a small, necessary stretch of the journey for every mom.
My Hope for This Space
I really want to share my parenting experiences—not just the warm, glowing moments, but to honestly document the pitfalls I’ve stumbled into, the tears I’ve shed, and the “survival wisdom” I’ve scraped together in utter exhaustion.
The Goal: A Mom’s Toolkit
I hope this blog becomes a “mom’s toolkit,” filled not with vague theories, but with:
- Practical Tips: Like how to quickly figure out why a baby is crying, tried-and-true methods for dealing with clogged ducts, or how to efficiently manage the daily grind with twins (or two under two) solo.
- Pitfall Avoidance Guides: Sharing the baby products I regret buying the most, and those “game-changer” parenting hacks. Letting you know which parenting anxieties you can let go of, and which principles are worth holding onto.
- A Community for Moms: I hope my stories connect me with more moms like you. We can cheer each other on in the comments, share our own tricks, turning the storms we face alone into a journey we walk together.
The Bigger Vision
My previous career taught me to analyze data, solve problems, and optimize processes. Now, I’m applying all those skills to this new “position” of Mom. I want to prove that a mom’s value is absolutely not confined to the home. The mindset, resilience, and creativity we built in our careers can shine just as brightly—perhaps even brighter—in this more complex, long-term “project” of raising humans, and can even be transformed into a force that helps others.
My hope is simple: that every mom who opens this blog can let out a sigh of relief and say, “So it’s not just me.” Then, she can find a bit of practical info, a dose of comforting solidarity, and return to her sweet, chaotic mom-life with a little more confidence and a little less weight on her shoulders.
This road? Let’s walk it together.
Re: Guilt hitting me 2 months later
i totally understand. LO is over 3 years old and i still feel a little sad about my experience.
i think it's important for you to feel what you need to feel. i hated when people kept telling me that the only thing that mattered was that my baby was healthy ... i mean, come on ... of course i know that, and am very grateful ... but it didn't make my feelings of sadness any less real ... don't let anyone tell you not to feel your feelings.
Aw, be gentle on yourself! After DS1 was born, I was a total wreck (not just bc his birth ended in a c-section, but he was unexpectedly put on abx for a week in the hospital afterward, and I was also extreeeemely sleep deprived, starting BFing, etc etc). Anyhoo, our health insurance covered counseling, and the area where we lived had specialists who dealt with postpartum moms. It may be something worth looking into.
You might also want to check out https://www.solaceformothers.org/, it's a message board for women who've been through traumatic births.
It took me a full year to come to terms with how DS1 was born, and I dealt with it all over again when I got pg with DS2. I think now I can finally just look at it as it was, but it was a long process getting there.
Take care!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
ITA! I struggled at first with feeling both glad for the c/s (yay! we're both alive and well!) and also angry about it (this isn't what I prepared for!). You feel what you feel. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, or even to you, for that matter. Logic can come later. Get through the emotions first. Now, I can look back on it in a positive light, but it took time and effort to get there. It was months before I could even look at my scar. It was like, if I saw it then I'd have to accept that what happened was real, and I wasn't ready for that yet.
Thanks everyone. It doesn't make sense to me. I am totally ok with the c/s itself. It wasn't my plan, but I was always aware that things might not go according to plan, and it was such an emergency that there was no choice, no discussion, no decisions to be made. It wasn't like "if I only waited..." "if I only tried pushing for longer..." "if only my hips were wider..." etc. I didn't feel pressured into it. I was only able to consent to it because DD had stablized just before they were going to put me under general; otherwise they were knocking me out and not asking. I ended up with a spinal instead, and was awake for the surgery, cried when I heard her cry as soon as they pulled her out, got to nurse asap in the OR (my MW made it half-way through the surgery), etc. For such an emergent situation, it went really well. I don't have trouble facing myself in the mirror. I'm not upset that my abs are wrecked and I can't even sit straight up in bed. And sometimes I think to myself, hey, I didn't even have to go through the hard work of labour.
But just now I'm starting to feel like I didn't give birth to DD. That I failed her. My next one I'd like to VBAC, but I feel like I'm being unfair to DD. That I will have a special connection with my next child that I won't have with DD. Will she some day feel jealous? Of course not, but like I said, this doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, there are a few support groups around here. I should check them out, even if just to say these things out loud.
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
Hugs. You're not alone. Many of us feel your pain and disappointment. For most of us, time heals those wounds. As you get further from her birth, you will realize that it's everything you are doing right now, that make you a wonderful Mother.
I know there's a lot of literature on the immediate benefits of vaginal birth - better latch, better breathing, etc. However, those benefits fade after a week. There are no long term benefits for the baby that I am aware of. Your daughter did not get cheated and she will love you for all you do for her everyday.
I felt very similarly - with not feeling like I'd been a participant in DS's birth, like my body had failed him and couldn't take care of us, etc. The things that really helped me was the support of my DH (who knew how to just listen and not try to 'fix' it or explain my emotions away), finding people here on the bump who understood what I was going through and time.
Be kind to yourself and understand that what you feel is normal, but that doesn't mean that you failed your DD (and think of it this way, would you ever feel like someone who had to have a necessary c/s had failed? We're so much harder on ourselves than we are on others) - you did what you needed to do to make sure she was safe. Remember that what kind of mother you are is made up of so much more than your birth story! When you're feeling down about it, try to reach out to others who have been there - we're here.
A nice coffee treat or something else to give yourself a bit of pampering is always helpful, too.
(hugs)
I think a lot of people also struggle with the same VBAC issues that you're mentioning. Think of it this way, though, does having a c/s for your second do anything for your DD? Nope, in fact, I was able to do SO much more with #1 because of my VBAC (able to carry him right away, able to get down on the floor with him, albeit slowly, and play, was home faster, etc). My bond with #2 isn't really stronger than #1, and I think the differences that exist aren't because of the VBAC as much as the fact that #2 is still in that nb needy stage. I adore my c/s baby to the ends of the earth and beyond - even if he does occasionally drive me crazy! He was my first LO, and in a way, I will always have a special bond with him because of it.
As for the jealousy thing, honestly, by the time our LO's are old enough to know their birth stories and their sibling's, one would hope that they'll be in a place where they understand more. Heck - the c/s babe might even have bragging rights as probably the entire process of childbirth will be a bit disgusting to them for awhile.
If it helps at all, my first sister and I were both vaginal births and the 3rd was a c/s. I don't think she could care less - I think the birth experience is ultimately something that mothers look back on with a lot more emotional attachment than their kids.
Definitely true. I don't want this to sound trite or glib, but the older DS1 gets, the less how I feel/felt about his birth matters. Your daughter won't be mad that you had a c-section with her, I promise!
It took me a few months to process what happened even with my second son's birth, which was a VBAC, and it happened the way I hoped it would. It takes a lot of time to figure out wtf happened when you have an unplanned c-section (and I think doubly so when you planned for the opposite), and part of that process can bring up feelings of guilt, no doubt.
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My son is almost a year old and I still battle the feelings of guilt and "not giving birth" frequently.
My advice: talk about your experience whenever you can, to whomever will listen. I've found that talking about my son's birth helps me cope with my feelings. I also recommend talking to your midwife. My OB was an excellent soundboard for me since she knew my desires to have a natural birth (she didn't deliver DS and I sometimes wonder if things would've been different had she been on call that weekend). If your feelings get too strong, don't be ashamed to admit you're having difficulty. I was diagnosed with PPD 4 months after my son's birth and put on medicine which has helped. And know that this board is here for you to.
Best of luck and congrats on your beautiful little girl!