VBAC

Guilt hitting me 2 months later

RayRay007RayRay007 member

I had planned for a wonderful natural birth with a midwife. We had the birth pool set up, DH was going to catch the baby, and it was going to be magical. Well, I wound up with the extreme opposite. I went in for a routine NST at 41wks and wound up being rushed down the hall for an emergency c-section. DH missed the birth. I was (and still am) ok with what happened - I believe it was necessary and DD came out perfectly healthy and my recovery went well. But now it is hitting me - I feel like I didn't give birth to my daughter. I feel like I didn't give her the gift of life because she was just taken out of me and I feel like I failed her somehow. Thanks for reading, I just need to start acknowledging these feelings and dealing with them.

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Re: Guilt hitting me 2 months later

  • iris427iris427 member
    I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  I had a lot of the same emotions after my c/s.  It didn't hit me until a few months postpartum either.  It took me a while but I was able to come to terms and feel mostly at peace with how things went.  Give yourself time to process things.  It's OK to feel guilty or angry or sad about how your child was born; it doesn't mean that you aren't thankful for your baby.  You are not alone in feeling this way.  The best advice I have read on here is to be kind to yourself.  You did the best you could in a hard situation.
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  • i totally understand.  LO is over 3 years old and i still feel a little sad about my experience.  

    i think it's important for you to feel what you need to feel.  i hated when people kept telling me that the only thing that mattered was that my baby was healthy ... i mean, come on ... of course i know that, and am very grateful ... but it didn't make my feelings of sadness any less real ... don't let anyone tell you not to feel your feelings.

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  • Aw, be gentle on yourself! After DS1 was born, I was a total wreck (not just bc his birth ended in a c-section, but he was unexpectedly put on abx for a week in the hospital afterward, and I was also extreeeemely sleep deprived, starting BFing, etc etc). Anyhoo, our health insurance covered counseling, and the area where we lived had specialists who dealt with postpartum moms. It may be something worth looking into.

    You might also want to check out https://www.solaceformothers.org/, it's a message board for women who've been through traumatic births.

    It took me a full year to come to terms with how DS1 was born, and I dealt with it all over again when I got pg with DS2. I think now I can finally just look at it as it was, but it was a long process getting there.

    Take care! 

    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • imageMrsJordanalmond:

    i think it's important for you to feel what you need to feel.  i hated when people kept telling me that the only thing that mattered was that my baby was healthy ... i mean, come on ... of course i know that, and am very grateful ... but it didn't make my feelings of sadness any less real ... don't let anyone tell you not to feel your feelings.

    ITA! I struggled at first with feeling both glad for the c/s (yay! we're both alive and well!) and also angry about it (this isn't what I prepared for!). You feel what you feel. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, or even to you, for that matter. Logic can come later. Get through the emotions first. Now, I can look back on it in a positive light, but it took time and effort to get there. It was months before I could even look at my scar. It was like, if I saw it then I'd have to accept that what happened was real, and I wasn't ready for that yet.

  • imagelorryfach:
    imageMrsJordanalmond:

    i think it's important for you to feel what you need to feel.  i hated when people kept telling me that the only thing that mattered was that my baby was healthy ... i mean, come on ... of course i know that, and am very grateful ... but it didn't make my feelings of sadness any less real ... don't let anyone tell you not to feel your feelings.

    ITA! I struggled at first with feeling both glad for the c/s (yay! we're both alive and well!) and also angry about it (this isn't what I prepared for!). You feel what you feel. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, or even to you, for that matter. Logic can come later. Get through the emotions first. Now, I can look back on it in a positive light, but it took time and effort to get there. It was months before I could even look at my scar. It was like, if I saw it then I'd have to accept that what happened was real, and I wasn't ready for that yet.

    Thanks everyone. It doesn't make sense to me. I am totally ok with the c/s itself. It wasn't my plan, but I was always aware that things might not go according to plan, and it was such an emergency that there was no choice, no discussion, no decisions to be made. It wasn't like "if I only waited..." "if I only tried pushing for longer..." "if only my hips were wider..." etc. I didn't feel pressured into it. I was only able to consent to it because DD had stablized just before they were going to put me under general; otherwise they were knocking me out and not asking. I ended up with a spinal instead, and was awake for the surgery, cried when I heard her cry as soon as they pulled her out, got to nurse asap in the OR (my MW made it half-way through the surgery), etc. For such an emergent situation, it went really well. I don't have trouble facing myself in the mirror. I'm not upset that my abs are wrecked and I can't even sit straight up in bed. And sometimes I think to myself, hey, I didn't even have to go through the hard work of labour.

    But just now I'm starting to feel like I didn't give birth to DD. That I failed her. My next one I'd like to VBAC, but I feel like I'm being unfair to DD. That I will have a special connection with my next child that I won't have with DD. Will she some day feel jealous? Of course not, but like I said, this doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, there are a few support groups around here. I should check them out, even if just to say these things out loud.

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    bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!

    beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!

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  • Hugs.  You're not alone.  Many of us feel your pain and disappointment.  For most of us, time heals those wounds.  As you get further from her birth, you will realize that it's everything you are doing right now, that make you a wonderful Mother. 

    I know there's a lot of literature on the immediate benefits of vaginal birth - better latch, better breathing, etc.  However, those benefits fade after a week.  There are no long term benefits for the baby that I am aware of.  Your daughter did not get cheated and she will love you for all you do for her everyday.

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  • I felt very similarly - with not feeling like I'd been a participant in DS's birth, like my body had failed him and couldn't take care of us, etc.  The things that really helped me was the support of my DH (who knew how to just listen and not try to 'fix' it or explain my emotions away), finding people here on the bump who understood what I was going through and time. 

    Be kind to yourself and understand that what you feel is normal, but that doesn't mean that you failed your DD (and think of it this way, would you ever feel like someone who had to have a necessary c/s had failed?  We're so much harder on ourselves than we are on others) - you did what you needed to do to make sure she was safe.  Remember that what kind of mother you are is made up of so much more than your birth story!  When you're feeling down about it, try to reach out to others who have been there - we're here.  :)  A nice coffee treat or something else to give yourself a bit of pampering is always helpful, too. 

    (hugs)

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  • imageRayRay007:

    But just now I'm starting to feel like I didn't give birth to DD. That I failed her. My next one I'd like to VBAC, but I feel like I'm being unfair to DD. That I will have a special connection with my next child that I won't have with DD. Will she some day feel jealous? Of course not, but like I said, this doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, there are a few support groups around here. I should check them out, even if just to say these things out loud.

    I think a lot of people also struggle with the same VBAC issues that you're mentioning.  Think of it this way, though, does having a c/s for your second do anything for your DD?  Nope, in fact, I was able to do SO much more with #1 because of my VBAC (able to carry him right away, able to get down on the floor with him, albeit slowly, and play, was home faster, etc).  My bond with #2 isn't really stronger than #1, and I think the differences that exist aren't because of the VBAC as much as the fact that #2 is still in that nb needy stage.  I adore my c/s baby to the ends of the earth and beyond - even if he does occasionally drive me crazy!  He was my first LO, and in a way, I will always have a special bond with him because of it. 

    As for the jealousy thing, honestly, by the time our LO's are old enough to know their birth stories and their sibling's, one would hope that they'll be in a place where they understand more.  Heck - the c/s babe might even have bragging rights as probably the entire process of childbirth will be a bit disgusting to them for awhile.  ;) 

    If it helps at all, my first sister and I were both vaginal births and the 3rd was a c/s.  I don't think she could care less - I think the birth experience is ultimately something that mothers look back on with a lot more emotional attachment than their kids.

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  • imagepapagena:
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    I don't think she could care less - I think the birth experience is ultimately something that mothers look back on with a lot more emotional attachment than their kids.

    Definitely true. I don't want this to sound trite or glib, but the older DS1 gets, the less how I feel/felt about his birth matters. Your daughter won't be mad that you had a c-section with her, I promise!

    It took me a few months to process what happened even with my second son's birth, which was a VBAC, and it happened the way I hoped it would. It takes a lot of time to figure out wtf happened when you have an unplanned c-section (and I think doubly so when you planned for the opposite), and part of that process can bring up feelings of guilt, no doubt.

    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • I can totally relate to how you are feeling.  My son is almost a year old and I still battle the feelings of guilt and "not giving birth" frequently.

    My advice:  talk about your experience whenever you can, to whomever will listen.  I've found that talking about my son's birth helps me cope with my feelings.  I also recommend talking to your midwife.  My OB was an excellent soundboard for me since she knew my desires to have a natural birth (she didn't deliver DS and I sometimes wonder if things would've been different had she been on call that weekend).  If your feelings get too strong, don't be ashamed to admit you're having difficulty.  I was diagnosed with PPD 4 months after my son's birth and put on medicine which has helped.  And know that this board is here for you to. 

    Best of luck and congrats on your beautiful little girl!

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