Unplanned Pregnancy

sammyk0688 · May 2011

Hello! I'm new to the Bump and am looking for some support outside of my family and friends circle. Perfect strangers to share with is definitely where I get a lot of my venting done.

I am 22 years old and 12 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy was super unplanned and unexpected. The babies father has asked that I no longer contact him (which is not an option in my mind, but I'm letting him live in his fantasy world) and my family is supporting me through my decisions so far.

I am taking all of my options into consideration, those being keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption. Basically, I'm looking for any advice or support that you ladies can give me. I'm very much in over my head right now and I'm not entirely sure where to turn to, so I decided to turn you all of you.

Thanks in advance for every bit of advice you guys can give me!!

MyBabyBlessing · May 2011

Hi there:) You and I have similar stories. This is the place to go for allthe support you will need. My pregnancy was unplanned too, but at the time I confirmed it I was more on aborting than keeping my child. After some thinking and getting over some frustration that my child's father and I were not at a point where children should have been in mind, I decided to keep my son:) That was especially hard for me considering I'm a planner at heart.

You are smart to be weighing all your options at this time. I pesonally believe as you continue on with your pregnancy, a bond will develop and then you will have to make a decision. At this point, just take it day to day bc ur still in your still early in your pregnancy. You can go back and forth with what you want to do. I'm sure your emotions can be overpowering at times but try top remember not to stress about anything bc that can be transferred to your child. I know it's easier said than done (been there) but try to make it a daily goal of yours.

Your unborn child's father was wrong for telling you that. The interesting part of that story is he may very well come around once he wraps himself around the fact that he is having a baby as well. it may take some time for him, though he should be supporting you in any way that he can. Tellme, why doesn't he want you to contact him??

I pray that you find clarity during this time and take it easy as much as you can:)

Lisa S.

sammyk0688 · May 2011

The father and I dated for a bit a few years ago and we ended up meeting up a couple of months ago. I didn't know it at the time, but he is already a father and is still involved in the child's life and involved with the mother as well. Because of those two things, he doesn't want me to contact him and often argued with me rather than answering my questions when I contacted him previously. I would say I wish that he would come around, but I know that he won't and I know that I will be better off without him.

He also doesn't want me contacting him for money because he recently lost his job. I don't know the details, but from the very little he told me, it's something serious. I'd rather he just not be a part of this child's life than try to force me to do something that I may regret.

Thanks for your response. I'm happy to know that someone else has been in this situation as well.

Sam

septmom11 · May 2011

You don't have to contact him for money, just let the courts do it for you. Just because he doesn't want to be a father and doesn't want to face the facts does not mean that he is able to just walk away free and clear ( unless you also want that) Some men are so ignorant and think they can have sex, create a life, and just go on like its not their problem

kmartinez80 · May 2011

Your baby's father has every right to tell you not to contact him and you should abide by his wishes. He wasn't wrong for telling you that; if that's how he feels then you need to respect that. The only thing you need to do is file for CS when the baby is born. The baby's father will be contact by the courts and CS can be addressed; at this point you have no reason to contact him especially since he has asked you not to. If he changes his mind later and wants to be involved in the baby's life then it is up to him to file for visitaion/custody.

BostonGayGal · May 2011

Of course he doesn't want you to contact him. He is a lying cheat. I don't know what you are saying about being forced to do something, so please explain. You ABSOLUTELY should file for child support when the baby is born. Not for you; for your child. Your baby deserves the financial security of both parents. There is no reason for you to care what bad situation he has gotten himself into; your only care is your child. He may not be working now, but at some point within the next 18 years he probably will, and his child deserves to benefit from that.

The father may never file for visitation and you can't make him be a decent dad, but child support is your child's right.

crystalt426 · May 2011

I would say to just leave him alone as well. As hard as that is. I would also start keeping track of every thing that has happened. My husband's ex was very adamant that DH left her high and dry when she was pregnant. We were separated when they got together, and we also had a child together. My husband and I were back together and married before she was even 5 months along. He wanted to take care of the baby. He wanted to help her with in reason. I supported his decision. She made it very hard. She would make up phantom reasons that he HAD to come see her. Once she claimed that the DR told her that the baby was going to have cerebral palsy, which only happens when a baby is born. There were many other things she did but she was crazy. All these years later and we have custody.

One day you will have to go to court for child support and custody. Having a time line of things like him not wanting to be contacted, could be helpful for custody. Also if you aren't already on WIC, you should look into it. Almost any pregnant woman can get it, plus it will help with formula or food for breatfeeding when the baby comes. I don't know your financial situation but maybe look into government medical assistance. Medicaid is what it's called here. Having a baby is super expensive in the medical department. You may also qualify for a lot of other government programs like a free car seat and in some places a free crib. There are lots of places that can help with things you have to have. After that if you receive any government assistance the state will take up your child support case.

If you decide on adoption, there are lots of options. Open adoption, closed adoption, sponsored adoptions. I would personally do an open adoption if it were me. It just seems less stressful on the child when it gets older, but that is purely your decision. You would or the lawyer would have to contact the man for his consent. At this point he would probably do it. You have a lot of options and support for either decision. The only thing I would say is that if you are unsure that you can go through an adoption... don't. I have met many families that are heart broken when the mother decides she wants to keep the baby after they have prepared for months.

What ever your decision, just make sure it's yours and you aren't pressured into it

sammyk0688 · May 2011

I don't have any problem with him asking that I not contact him. My life is simpler and more pleasant not having to deal with him. The only thing that I will really ever need from him is his medical history so that I know, or the adoptive parents know, if there is something to look out for down the line. I'm not saying that it was wrong for him to ask me not to contact him. I simply think that it's a cheater's way of dealing with the consequences. I'm perfectly happy to let the courts do the talking for me.

PP99 · May 2011

Sam - I sent you a private message. Check your inbox!

Rozzymommy · May 2011

I NEVER planned on having children. I always just wanted to be 'Cool Aunt Roz' who spoiled my nieces and nephews then left their parents to deal with everything else. When I found out I was pregnant this past February, I was in complete shock. To top it off I was stuck in a relationship with a complete jerk. I, too, was leaning towards abortion when I found out. I'm 30 but I'm broke as hell and I live in a one bedroom condo. I eventually decided to keep him and I honestly feel he is going to be a great motivator for me. I kicked that jerk out and I plan on getting a better job and bigger house. I also have the support of my family (which is great because I will be dropping him off when a need a girls' night or alone time).

Whatever you decide to do will work out, but I will say if you are scared you won't be a good mom without a dad- don't be. Your concern shows how great of a mom you could be and my ex lived with both of his parents and he turned into an abusive bastard.

Finally, if you decide to keep the baby definitely go through the courts to get the child support. My ex told me he wanted no contact from me which is fine. But he will pay for this baby.

Good luck!

erinshoeman · May 2011

Hi there.

I am 20 and about 14 weeks right now. This baby was definitely unplanned. The father and I were together 2 months before finding out I was pregnant. Luckily, we are still together and he actually proposed about a month ago.

Lately though, we have been going through really rough times. He's really scared about being a husband and a father. (He's 22 currently.) And he also didn't expect this all to happen so soon. There are some days when I really think it's going to end between us.

The only thing that holds me together is knowing that I have a beautiful little blessing growing inside of me. No matter what happens between me and LO's father, I know that my life will not end because I am going to have an amazing child to help get me through the tough times.

Sorry to hear what you are going through, and I really hope everything works out for you!

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