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I can't believe she said that (vent)

racampbell1racampbell1
in Parenting after 35

I recently went through my second loss and my second ectopic.  I've been having a really tough time with it, more so this time than last.  Last time I thought it must be some freak thing and would never happen again.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  A dear friend of mine checked in on me yesterday, which I appreciated, at first.  I told her I was fearful that we would never get have another child and that it really hurt.  Mind you, this friend went through the wringer to have her son, 3 years of trying (no losses, just couldn't get pregnant which was really hard on her) and it finally happened for them, for which I am so glad.  Their son is almost one, now.   

But then she said to me, "try to just relax and it will happen when you're least expecting it."  Ummmm, okay, WTF???  First off, this is the same woman who cried to me so many times when people would say that very thing to her when she was trying and told me how upset it made her!!!!  Second, my problem is not getting pregnant, its getting pregnant in the right place!!!!  I have a history of endometriosis, which she knows and I think I am justifiably afraid that the scar tissue has finally caught up to me and I am done.  UGH.  I am just shocked that she would be that insensitive when she hated people saying that very thing to her. I know I am probably very sensitive and hormonal right now, my betas are still falling and my body is wacky from losing the pregnancy, but seriously?!  Thanks for reading if you got this far.     

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Re: I can't believe she said that (vent)

  • robynlesleyrobynlesley member

    I'm so sorry she said that to you.  I guess she's forgotten how much those words hurt her in the past.  If this friendship means a lot to you, I'd try to let it go.  And when you're feeling calmer, let her know how much those words hurt you.

    I don't know much about endometriosis or if the condition is related to ectopic pregnancies, but I hope you are able to safely carry another child since you truly want one.  (((HUG)))

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  • PeskyPesky member
    I'm so sorry.  People do tend to stick their feet in it when trying to say something appropriately cheerful yet consoling.  Try to focus on her intent, which was to try and keep your spirits positive.  If she says it again, don't hesitate to gently remind her "that's the same thing you cried about people saying to you so realize that's probably not the best thing to say to me at this time".  


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  • ateytelbateytelb

    I am so sorry.

    Some people are just insensitive - she made you feel worse instead of trying to make you feel better. I wouldn't call her a dear friend from this point on.

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  • BrideBuddiesBrideBuddies member

    I've been guilty of saying that kind of thing to a friend once.  Absolutely not intending to be insensitive, and I'm sure your friend isn't, either.  At the time, you just look for some consoling words.   But with hormones and emotions running rampant, pretty much anything is going to come across wrong.

    As hard as it sounds, try to let it go for now.   As you said, there are hormones involved and you can't discount their power.   Then maybe talk to her about it later.

    And I'm so sorry for your loss.  A lot of us have been there in one way or another. 

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  • steverstever member

    I'm so sorry she said that to you. I thought that saying, "just relax and it'll happen" was something that well-meaning but ignorant people said when trying to sound comforting. Weird that she said it. Weird and crappy.

    I'm sorry. ::Hugs::

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  • PeppernutPeppernut

    It sounds like she forgot the things she'd have liked people to say to her when she was struggling.  :( 

    Many hugs!

    I understand about the ectopic fears, and the loss fears!  It's awful on your mind and body, and so scary!  

    Here's some cheerleading, skip it if it's not what you need right now... 

    I did have two ectopics and four other losses, and still managed to have Margaux and now this new one, at 43, with no medical assistance.  Once a doctor knows your history, usually they go out of their way to see you earlier, which can be reassuring.  I hope this is the last of your pregnancy troubles, and the next time is easy and healthy!

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  • peeper72peeper72

    Gah!! I can't believe she said that to you. Who knows if she even realizes...either way, I agree with pp - wait until you are a little less upset and then talk to her if it still seems worthwhile. I'm so sorry about all of it for you - the loss, the second loss, the doubt it leaves you with, and the not-so-supportive-support.

    ((HUGS))

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  • NewMrs07NewMrs07 member
    I think she had a classic "mommy brain" moment when she said that. She probably didn't mean to hurt you, she didn't know what to say. What can you say to someone that loses a child? It's hard. Hopefully your hormones will level out and you and your friend are cool again. Sorry for your loss ((hugs)).
    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
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