NTR: marriage advice.

kimberlyk921 · May 2011

I'm guessing it's been a few months now, I'm not exactly sure when this shift happened in our marriage but lately I've been unhappy. I don't feel like DH appreciates me whatsoever and I don't even feel like I'm on his list of priorities anymore, and I feel DS is low on the list. Just last week my glasses (that I've had for 6 years and have been giving me a headache) broke, so I made a long awaited eye Dr appointment. Our insurance covers $130 for frames but they have to be purchased from certain places, like I can't just go to Walmart and buy some cheap frames. Luckily my eye Dr has an optical section that our insurance accepts, so I found the perfect pair that I loved...that were $210. DH was PISSED. He was all "so you can't get another pair? basically, that's the only pair that will make you happy!?" He made it out like I was this spoiled Varuka from Willy Wonka, when all I said was "this is the only pair they have that fit my little head that don't have Dora on the sides." And the price was not extreme, it was the mid-range price. I ended up only spending $150 once the lenses and anti-glare were added. Which I didn't think was too bad considering I literally never get anything, I'm not exaggerating.

I think what bothers me the most is that my DH plays hockey every spring which is about $200 for his portion on the team. He has PSL's for the Ravens so he pays about $600 every football season for the tickets. And he has a monthly game membership of $15. I have a gym membership $30. I never buy new clothes because I'm too scared to bring anything home for myself, not kidding. My Grandmother bought me shorts last week because I was sweating and she offered. She is a millionaire so yes I took her up on the offer. The frikken Ravens tickets are a big strain on us. They are always paid on time and he has even paid our regular bills late so that he could make that payment on time. It makes fire come out of my ears but he doesn't seem to care.

I really just don't know what to do anymore, I'm so low on his list that I don't even know if he would care if I told him I was unhappy. He tells me he loves me but I don't feel it anymore. Help.

emily0829 · May 2011

It sounds like he's viewing your purchase as something recreational (like his Ravens tickets) versus something that you actually need.

What I got from the entire post was money is the issue that you're arguing about right now. I think it's time to sit down and do a budget and say outloud that you don't feel appreciated, and what bothers you. Literally spell it out for him, so that if something else happens down the road, you know that you tried to get your point across.

kimberlyk921 · May 2011

emily0829:
It sounds like he's viewing your purchase as something recreational (like his Ravens tickets) versus something that you actually need.
What I got from the entire post was money is the issue that you're arguing about right now. I think it's time to sit down and do a budget and say outloud that you don't feel appreciated, and what bothers you. Literally spell it out for him, so that if something else happens down the road, you know that you tried to get your point across.

Yeah I know money is a lot of our problems. Even when it comes to our bills, the 2 that are in my name seem to always be paid late when his are for the most part on time. I will spend my day off cleaning the house and he'll walk in, say hi and go straight to his office. No "wow the house looks nice" nothing. I think that's part of where I'm not feeling appreciated. He doesn't do anything in this house, so I end up doing it and I can't even get a thank you or at least acknowledgement that it was done.

NewFamily09 · May 2011

That sounds a little like how I feel, only a lot more extreme. I am so worried about spending money on myself. I bought a $50 pair of shoes last week that I really needed because my old ones were falling apart. I always get worried that DH won't approve, but he didn't seem to care at all. Just playing the devil's advocate here- do you earn any of the income, or is he the only one with a job? Maybe he doesn't understand that even though you don't make any money, you are contributing by staying home and raising your child. You deserve to have some money spent on you. You guys should probably look at your finances together and maybe you should try to get more involved and police him more on these frivolous things that he's spending the family money on.

kimberlyk921 · May 2011

NewFamily09:
That sounds a little like how I feel, only a lot more extreme. I am so worried about spending money on myself. I bought a $50 pair of shoes last week that I really needed because my old ones were falling apart. I always get worried that DH won't approve, but he didn't seem to care at all. Just playing the devil's advocate here- do you earn any of the income, or is he the only one with a job? Maybe he doesn't understand that even though you don't make any money, you are contributing by staying home and raising your child. You deserve to have some money spent on you. You guys should probably look at your finances together and maybe you should try to get more involved and police him more on these frivolous things that he's spending the family money on.

I work part time. We both agreed that I would only work part time because my mom couldn't watch DS full time and we can't afford to spend a couple hundred dollars on daycare every month.

kimberlyk921 · May 2011

another question, semi-ridiculous. Is it acceptable to write a letter explaining things instead of talking it out? Only because, I seem to get really intimidated and clam up in person. He isn't even a scary person or anything like that, I just have no balls.

greengirl0909 · May 2011

Tough situation. I hope that you can talk to DH and get him to see your side. I think setting up a budget is a great idea. In our house, we pay the bills, put money in savings, and then we agreed to have a certain amount left over for "fun money." That's the money we can spend on things like tickets and hobbies.

My DH is into guns, and recently he wanted to spend $300 on a new gun. Things were tense for a bit, then we finally agreed to go ahead and make the purchase, but in exchange he has given up his fun money for the amount of time it takes to make that up, and we're applying extra money to our medical bills from my son's surgery. He got what he wanted, but he isn't getting to spend a huge amount of money just out of nowhere. It made me feel more respected to handle it that way.

OH, and I'm sure you know, but paying bills late is a terrible mark on your credit, and typically results in annoying late fees.

In regards to sharing household duties, I expressed my frustration to my DH, and we came to the conclusion that every day he had to do 1 thing around the house. Before he sat down to watch tv, read, play on the computer he had to say he'd unloaded the dishwasher, mowed, mopped the floor, whatever. It worked well for us, and it's made it easier for me to ask for help when I'm feeling overhwelmed. GL

emily0829 · May 2011

kimberlyk921:
another question, semi-ridiculous. Is it acceptable to write a letter explaining things instead of talking it out? Only because, I seem to get really intimidated and clam up in person. He isn't even a scary person or anything like that, I just have no balls.

I think that's fine. When my H and I were starting to go downhill, I had so much to say that I wanted to get out without him interjecting or getting defensive, forcing me to pull back. I wrote a three page letter outlining everything. In the letter I had said that I needed to write it for the reasons that I just gave, and that I wanted to have more of a discussion about it face-to-face.

He didn't mention it. But, I'm glad that I did that because there was no question about how I was feeling at the time. Your H could be different. He may genuinely not realize that he's coming off as not appreciating you.

ETA: If you do decide to write a letter, you should do it when you're level headed, and not so angry over something that he had recently done. The difference between writing a letter versus talking face-to-face is that he can't see your facial expressions and your body language. If you're calm in the letter but you sound overly accusing, he can become defensive just by reading it and taking something you wrote out of context. Be cautious on what you say and how you say it. Proof read it several times. Or, you can always use it as a guide in your discussion since writing the letter will have your most truest feelings and thoughts about the situation.

Either way, good luck. I hope you two can talk this out and work on things.

Karla and Alex · May 2011

I totally understand where you're coming from. You def need to talk to him about his complaining about something you need and about being underappreciated but in 2 different arguments. If you go with both at the same time he may feel attacked. Make it a point to say that you're very money conscious and you don't make frivolous purchases. Whatever you're buying you need and that's that. I have also found it helps when he's doing the finances to tell him what I want and if it's possible this week, ie haircut, new shoes..

The appreciation thing is tough, I don't have much help to give because I don't feel appreciated by DH either. I have spoken up about it though, and I think that's what you need to do too. Just lay it out and tell him you're missing time with him, tell him your LO misses him too. Tug the heart strings a bit.

Jessys_Girl · May 2011

kimberlyk921:
another question, semi-ridiculous. Is it acceptable to write a letter explaining things instead of talking it out? Only because, I seem to get really intimidated and clam up in person. He isn't even a scary person or anything like that, I just have no balls.

I think it's perfectly acceptable, but you should also be willing to actually have the conversation with him after he reads the letter.

I would spell out on paper the comparison of money going out (write down "You spend $600 per year on football tickets and $200 per year on hockey. I spent $150 on glasses...which are a medical need. That's a difference of $650, yet, when you make comments about my small purchases I end up feeling guilty and hurt and unappreciated. I feel that the scales are not balanced here.").

Jocelyn0415 · May 2011

I remember your post a few weeks ago about him not helping out. IMO, it's time to put your foot down and let him know that you didn't marry him to be his mother, you married him to be his partner, and he's not being a partner to you.

I'd suggest counseling. If he isn't willing to go, he's showing you how important (or unimportant) your marriage is to him and you'll have your answer.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this!

Sophiebelle84 · May 2011

Yes, please do counseling! My husband and I did it for about 6 sessions and I noticed a huge difference. I felt like I was on the bottom of his priority list, as well. Also, he is from an alcoholic family and has a very hard time sharing his emotions and feelings, but counseling definitely helped. I know marriage counseling seems extreme, but now is definitely the time to do it. You won't regret it.

zeptattoo · May 2011

I agree with pp, I think counseling is a great idea.

Soon2bBivens · May 2011

kimberlyk921:
another question, semi-ridiculous. Is it acceptable to write a letter explaining things instead of talking it out? Only because, I seem to get really intimidated and clam up in person. He isn't even a scary person or anything like that, I just have no balls.

I write letters to my husband, not because i'm scared but because he gets defensive or doesn't react well sometimes and we get sidetracked. I find writing letters helps me get everything i need to express out without interruption. Good Luck! I'm feeling the same way...and even worse, we have NO sex life.

Want a personalized experience?

NTR: marriage advice.

Re: NTR: marriage advice.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards