Spanking

Olalala157 · May 2011

Good Morning Ladies!

I think there has been a lot of controversy in recent years regarding child discipline and I am curious to see your views on this topic since we are raising the next generation here. Are you going to use corporal punishment to discipline your child? If not, what other method will you be using? Whats your view on the topic?

I must say I was spanked when I was a child and I feel I came out ok. I didnt fear my parents, I respected them and I knew my place but I'm not so sure if I want to use the same method that my parents used. At the same time I know people who were spanked as children and grew up fearing men or having other fears due to their raising. I rew up in Poland where my 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade teachers even used rulers to smack us on our hands if we didnt behave and now I look back and laugh about it because it didnt seem like it was that big of a deal. My husband on the other hand went to a Catholic school in the US and the nun came up behind up and pinched him really hard because he wasnt straight in line and out of instinct he elbowed the nun in the stomach and got suspended for it. But was it her place to be pinching him to begin with?

Lets hear your opinion and please also tell us where you are from because its amazing how views change based on culture.

ericaley98 · May 2011

I agree. I was also spanked and came out ok. I was only spanked as a young child, don't remember ever getting spanked over the age of about 8. It never really "hurt" it was more knowing I was being punished that stings. I did get slapped across the face once in the 8th grade when I cursed at my mother, but I clearly had that coming. I will be spanking my children if I feel its necessary, it gets the point across.

rachaelski · May 2011

meh, not really passionate about this one. There's a definite line between spanking and beating. That line shouldn't be crossed. However, I've known a lot of parents who effectively use spanking as a disciplinary tool. The key: the parent cannot be angry while doing it. I think parents who do not use spanking need to have a clear idea of their discipline approach. As a teacher, I don't hit kids, but in order to maintain the law and order of the classroom, I have to have a clear plan of consequences for behavior...I assume it would be the same for the home. Not sure either way what we'll do. My only issue will be if someone (who's not watching my child while I am gone) tries to discipline my kid.

SN: Corporal punishment exists in the United States in some places still, when I taught in Memphis City Schools, it was only the year I began teaching (2006) that it was banned in the district. And recently in my state, New Mexico, the governor signed an order banning corporal punishment (2011)!

jenni888 · May 2011

As someone who was both spanked in what some people would consider a reasonable disciplinary way as well as hit with a belt to the point of blistering, bleeding and scarring, I am adamantly against physical punishment. It did not cause me to respect my father, it just created a sense of paralyzing fear and eventually hatred toward him. (There were other types of abuse as well that contributed to the anger). My husband on the other hand was never spanked, and yet had a healthy respect and "fear" of being grounded. He still has a very healthy and close relationship with both of his parents today. I believe there are other ways to keep a healthy balance of respect and not wanting to misbehave in your kids. Especially if you were hit as a child, I know the instinct is to raise your hand when your own children get on your nerves, but I just don't want to go that route.

teresa3733 · May 2011

I come from a Christian background (born in the US) and was also spanked as a child. And I think I turned out fine. I think what happens most of the time is it is done out of anger (mad at the moment and take it too far) instead of love (teaching a lesson of discipline and respect). I think the "time out chair" and "soap in the mouth" also works for discipline. We are parents first, then friends.

I have realize that children now a days have less respect for adults than they use too. I heard a little child say to his mother F U you stupid B at the store and was shocked. I would NEVER call my mother that............EVER.

Zooropa10 · May 2011

I am a psychologist, have studied child/adolescent development and attachment in depth. Spanking in my opinion is never ok. I was spanked once as a child, and understand why my parents did (to keep me out of danger), but there are still many alternatives. Kids have to face so many issues in their lives, the one thing they shouldn't have to face is getting hit/spanked by the person who is supposed to be an attachment figure to them. If the attachment figure spanks them, then who do they turn to for safety for trust?

No matter how 'light' the spank is, or if the parent is not angry while doing it, there are so many other more developmentally appropriate alternatives, the child sees the person who they believe loves them doing something that does not match with what they know. My husband and I are in agreement about this, it was one of those deal breaker questions i asked pretty early on in the relationship. I respect other parents for their choices, and would never say anything to them (unless I believed it was abuse). But if a parent is using spanking, perhaps there are other communication issues not being addressed on other levels. I have seen many cases and trends, and many times, when you see a behavior, social or emotional issue with a child and look farther back at parent questions, they respond they have spanked and have other less developmentally appropriate parenting practices. Like I said.. . just my opinion. I won't spank, but others can make that choice.

madiegirl83 · May 2011

I wasn't "spanked" per se by my parents. But I did get the occasional swat or smack on the hand. And that is a tool I use with my DS. He occasional gets a swat on the leg or behind to get his attention, especially when he is getting into something dangerous. Like when he has run into the street, I have grabbed his arm to pull him back and he gets a swat. I agree there is a fine line between spanking and beating. And I think a lot of it has to do with the spirit in which the parent does it. Are you spanking because you are angry and taking it out on the child? Or are you spanking because you are trying to get their attention or get a point across?

tx*mom · May 2011

With my DS (who is 4), we've used time out and it has worked well. He hates going to time out and it seems to stop most behavior. Not to say he hasn't had multiple timeouts a few times! But it's a good alternative to spanking.

jseaton61 · May 2011

i was spanked occasionally as a child and looking back, i think it was the appropriate punishment for the "crime". i think i turned out okay. i will be spanking my child(ren) if i deem it necessary. but i agree with PPs, that it should not be done out of anger. i was always sent to my room to reflect on what i did, my mom or dad would come to talk to me about my actions and remind me that actions have consequences and i would be spanked. my parents never used anything but the hand or the flat side of a hair brush. i don't think the actual spanking hurt, but more that i knew they were disappointed in me and my actions. i was never spanked past 8 or 9.

i don't agree with using belts, switches, etc. to spank. i think there is a very fine line between discipline and abuse, and using objects like that cross the line more often than not. my husband was spanked as a child as well, and agrees with using spanking as a form of discipline, but not the only form. when they are little (2-4), i think a swat on the hand is enough.. especially if its to keep them out of danger, like touching a hot surface.

i don't believe every time a child misbehaves it warrants a spanking, so we will be using other forms of discipline like time out, grounding, etc.

ETA: other than childhood, i was never hit except when i told my mother to "go to hell" when she told me she was moving to FL.. i was 16. she slapped me across the face. i totally deserved it.

Janimal · May 2011

I was spanked a couple times as a kid. I don't believe it had any lasting effect whatsoever. Really the fear of being spanked was a disciplinary tool I respected.

That being said, it is my intention to never spank my children. I hope that I am able to implement effective discipline and gain respect from my kids without resorting to spanking. BUT -- there is a but -- as much as I am confident in my ability to discipline my kids appropriately, I won't say never. I can't imagine a scenario where I would spank, but I won't deny that one may exist. If my child does not respond to other discipline and I need to look out for their safety and wellbeing, I can't say I wouldn't spank if I felt it was the only means necessary to get a message across. But I really can't imagine ever spanking my kids.

ateasha · May 2011

Its funny I have this conversation with my brother (whom doesnt have kids yet) because we were spanked as kids so he doesn't understand why most of the time I dont spank. I use the time out method with my kids because the way he's acting out is because he doesnt know how to express himself not because he's really doing something to harm himself or others. I feel most of the time my dad (my mom never hit us) hit us because he didnt want to hear our opinion on things(he was very old school seen not heard type) and I refuse to be that parent. When its a serious issue that comes up yes, they get a light spanking to know I'm serious but its not called for in all cases.

TheMrsRN · May 2011

There's nothing wrong with a pop on the bottom. Not hard enough to hurt, but it scares a young child. I think it was effective with me and with my nieces and nephews. Once they are old enough, they will just lose a toy or a watching tv or something for punishment. We will also be active in our church and my kids will know that God is always watching them and knows when they do the right thing or the wrong thing. That was always scary enough for me to be good!

HadleyS · May 2011

jennilandia:
As someone who was both spanked in what some people would consider a reasonable disciplinary way as well as hit with a belt to the point of blistering, bleeding and scarring, I am adamantly against physical punishment. It did not cause me to respect my father, it just created a sense of paralyzing fear and eventually hatred toward him. (There were other types of abuse as well that contributed to the anger). My husband on the other hand was never spanked, and yet had a healthy respect and "fear" of being grounded. He still has a very healthy and close relationship with both of his parents today. I believe there are other ways to keep a healthy balance of respect and not wanting to misbehave in your kids. Especially if you were hit as a child, I know the instinct is to raise your hand when your own children get on your nerves, but I just don't want to go that route.

I grew up in a similar situation, only I had two sisters (I am the middle child), and I would scream bloody murder if I ever saw that belt come out from my step dad. I either must have passed out, or was just not spanked, but I KNOW that my sisters were, especially my younger sister. She got it all the time. I feel like she has permanent psychological scars from having to grow up that way and I still feel like I have issues with this myself. She, unfortunately, doesn't do well with children, although she likes them. She's just not that great with all of the nieces and nephews, and I fear that she might pass on some pent up anger to her children some day if she has any.

I just can't spank my children, so obviously I do not plan to use that as some form of punishment. I certainly see the points of PP about "there's nothing wrong with a pop on the bottom". I think that's fine and acceptable, but I personally am not healed from my childhood experiences to even do that.

Mrs.NGM · May 2011

I was spanked on rare occasions, but I doubt I'll do it with my kids. I came out just fine, but it really didn't to much for me discipline-wise. I thought it was far worse to be sent to my room for 15 minutes.... the torture! lol

Cort711 · May 2011

TheMrsRN:
There's nothing wrong with a pop on the bottom. Not hard enough to hurt, but it scares a young child. I think it was effective with me and with my nieces and nephews. Once they are old enough, they will just lose a toy or a watching tv or something for punishment. We will also be active in our church and my kids will know that God is always watching them and knows when they do the right thing or the wrong thing. That was always scary enough for me to be good!

You said exactly what I was going to! I personally thing that there is a huge difference in the behavior and respect of children today compared to children when I was younger. It seems as a lot of kids today do not respect their parents, and I feel it is because too many parents try to be buddies with their children rather than disciplinarians. I have 5 sisters and 10 neices, and let me tell you, I can notice a huge difference in the respect and behavior when comparing the ones who get a quick pop on the bottom when acting out and the ones who do not. That being said, spanking will be the last resort but will be used when needed. DH and I both got smacks on the bottom when we were way out of line and we will be raising our children the same way.

718gemini · May 2011

I've never actually had to discipline a child, so this is a tough one to answer. I don't think there's anything wrong with a quick swat to the bum or hand. But I don't like the idea of giving an actual spanking, and hopefully never end up in a position where I feel it's needed. I was spanked as a child- as far as I know it didn't happen often, and I think it was always my grandparents who did it.. I was too young to remember them, so I have no idea if it actually made me behave or not. My Mom smacked me a few times when I was older, and while I probably deserved it, again, I hope I wouldn't have to resort to that with my own kids.

CheriCO · May 2011

We do not and will not spank DS or future kiddo. We use time outs, time ins, and taking things (toys, privileges) away and so far it works just fine. We struggled with DS hitting friends at daycare, the dog, us for a while when he was younger...I just don't see how you can teach a child that it's not ok to hit others and then spank them as punishment. It's confusing to the child.

rachelnich · May 2011

I was spanked as a child, and I think it was an effective form of punishment. I spank my daughter on very rare occasions, only in extreme situations.

She went through a phase when she was 3 where time-outs did not work. I mentioned it to her pre-school teacher, and she gave me a very effective alternative. She told me that instead of putting my daughter in time-out, I should put her favorite stuffed animal or toy in time-out when she acts up. In her case, we use her blankie. It tears her up to see her blankie in time-out and has been a great disciplinary alternative for us.

ClaraEarlene · May 2011

In high school, I babysat for a 6 year old boy and his 8 month old sister exactly twice. The first time, his parents instructed me to use time outs, as they do not believe in spanking. I had no problem with that, as I would never dream of spanking someone else's kid, even if I spanked my own. The kid was a little terror, but I managed to keep him busy enough to not need time outs. The second time I babysat, the kid was out of control. Time outs were completely ineffective. At one point, I picked him up under his armpits to carry him to his room, and he kicked me in the stomach, so hard it knocked the wind out of me. At that moment, I believed he deserved a spanking, if only to get his attention that his behavior was completely innappropriate. I didn't spank him, and I never saw that kid again.

That said, I will never spank my kids. I plan to raise them to respect adults from the beginning and to follow through with discipline, something that kid's parents never did.

smilelari · May 2011

We will not be spanking and the disciplinary programs we've been considering don't use spanking - 1-2-3 Magic and Love and Logic.

I tend to agree with the sentiment expressed in 1-2-3 Magic that generally an adult spanking a child is the adult having a tantrum of their own.

LuvMyFurbaby · May 2011

I was spanked as a child, feel that I turned "just fine," but will not be spanking my kid. I didn't learn anything from it as a child. Just as popping your dog on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper doesn't teach him anything.

I'm very involved in dog training, and many of the principles of positive reinforcement work on any living organism with the capacity to think and the physical ability to perform the desired behavior.

MrsNash37212 · May 2011

We will spank our children if necessary. And by spanking, I mean one, swift pop on the rear. I was spanked in the same manner very rarely as a child and it was effective. There was actually a study a few years ago that showed children who were spanked rarely and not past the age of 6 were more confident and successful as adults. The same study showed that children who were spanked into their pre-teens or ever beaten had poorer results. It was the first time they'd been able to do such a study since before then it was hard to find a control group of people who had not been spanked.

vanessa11411 · May 2011

I don't spank. How am I suppose to show my children that it's not okay to hit people when I'm hitting them. Doesn't make sense to me.

Time outs worked fine for us. She cries as if I am beating the crap out of her when I say it's time to sit in your room. My dad spanked us as children and I hated him for it.

TheMrsRN · May 2011

Double post

TheMrsRN · May 2011

Smilelari-

It for sure is a tantrum! My child touching a stove or running away from me in a store is reason for me to panic and have a tantrum. If my toddler reaches for the stove (even when off) they will get a swat to the hand. If they try to run away from me outside or at the store, they will get a swat on the butt. It is effective and not harmful to the child.

smilelari · May 2011

TheMrsRN:
Smilelari-

It for sure is a tantrum! My child touching a stove or running away from me in a store is reason for me to panic and have a tantrum. If my toddler reaches for the stove (even when off) they will get a swat to the hand. If they try to run away from me outside or at the store, they will get a swat on the butt. It is effective and not harmful to the child.

There are other methods that are also effective. And I prefer not to teach my child that tantrums are ok. The key is consistency and age appropriateness

And a swat is not always effective (it never was for me)

Olalala157 · May 2011

Mrs.NGM:
I was spanked on rare occasions, but I doubt I'll do it with my kids. I came out just fine, but it really didn't to much for me discipline-wise. I thought it was far worse to be sent to my room for 15 minutes.... the torture! lol

Funny thing is that today with all the technology many parents allow their children in their rooms children WANT to be in their room! I think its important to keep certain things out of kids rooms such as computers, gaming systems tv's etc. Not to mention those pesky cell phones!

sea3668rn · May 2011

I too was spanked as a child- maybe twice. It was a little swat, and only if I did something very bad. I still remember it, it worked, and I certainly have no lasting scars from it. That being said, I don't think I will spank my children, but like pp I can't say that it is completely out of the realm of possibility. I agree with many others that children are not well disciplined today.

Sarahbear621 · May 2011

as far as i'm concerned SPANKING. HITTING. or TOUCHING in a threatening way as a form of disipline is not ok with me or DH. We were not spanked growing up and if anyone EVER tried to displine my kids that way I would hit them with my car. yea i'm that passionate about it.

Catkel1202 · May 2011

smilelari:
We will not be spanking and the disciplinary programs we've been considering don't use spanking - 1-2-3 Magic and Love and Logic.

I hadn't heard of these programs, but will definitely be looking into them, thanks for the mention.

I was spanked a little bit as a child, DH was not. We've both agreed that we don't want to spank our children.

I worked with children for a few years and learned a lot from child development specialists that I've known, and I know that spanking is just not for me. I don't want my children to fear me, I want them to respect and trust me. I think there are many age-appropriate forms of discipline that can be just as effective and will equip my kids with the communication and life-skills that will help them grow as a person.

Also, I agree that teaching my child not to hit will be harder if they see adults engaging in that behavior.

Jing22 · May 2011

I'm very strongly against it! To this day I have horrible memories of trying to hide under my bed and cover myself with blankets or just run away. It is terrifying to a sensitive kid, especially when mom or dad goes overboard. And seriously, it's not okay with many child protective services anymore. What went in the 70s and 80s may not be okay today.

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