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Attachment Parenting
luvmybaby28
member
did your parents do CIO with you?
luvmybaby28
member
My parents said I was in the crib from day 1, even at the hospital I was in the nursery. I was just wondering if your parents did, why you choose not to with your LO. I personally cannot stand the thought of sleep training, I have heard stories about people's children getting so worked up that they vomit, so it just seems to me that something that requires that much pain and effort is something that the baby is not ready to do (even though so many books say that any 6 month old can self soothe).
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Re: did your parents do CIO with you?
in crib =/= cio.
Both my mother and MIL have told us repeatedly that they turned on radios in our nursery and let us cry until we went to sleep. It seemed like it was at least an hour, if not more from what my MIL said.
I can't look at them the same way since they both have said that. It just seems so callous and uncaring. I know for a fact I was only about 2 months and H was less than a few months old too.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
I mean, I have depression and anxiety issues but I don't think it's due to CIO. As long as baby is older than 6 months and is not sick, I don't see a huge problem though I'm not into it for my own child.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
I think neglecting a newborn and ignoring their needs will adversely affect them. Using a planned method of CIO sleep straining with a baby 6+ months will not, and I think anyone who claims it will is full of crap. Just about every person I know IRL let their kids CIO and they are all perfectly fine.
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
My mom says all three of us (both brothers and I) all slept through the night by 3 months old, which goes against everything I've seen with my kids or any of my friends' kids. My mom has told me repeatedly that babies just need to learn to cry themselves to sleep, so I'm quite sure they did CIO. It's just what their parents and doctors would have advised at the time. I have a great relationship with my parents so I guess it didn't affect me.
But, my older brother struggled with depression all his life. He killed himself just before my son was born. My younger brother struggles with anxiety and has a hard time connecting with others. I don't blame my parents or think it happened simply because they left us to cry alone in a dark room as infants. But, I sure as hell won't take that risk with my own kids. I've bedshared with both of them and feel like in the long run it's such a short time. My DD has slept on her own since she was two- she wakes up some nights and we cuddle her back to sleep. I still bedshare with DS and will for a while. I hope I'm helping develop strong bonds and raise confident kids, but time will tell. We all try to do what's best for our children- it's just not always clear what that is.
My mom used to hold it over my head that she never let me cry myself to sleep even though both sets of grandparents insisted that she did. I know that sounds strange but I can't remember even once in my life when my mother has shown any sort of affection towards my sister or I. So as a child I would sometimes say something like "you don't love me" or something like that and she would reply "if I didn't love you I would have let you cry your self to sleep at night."
I bedshared until my sister was born when I was 3.5. I actually remember being told I couldn't sleep in my parents bed anymore. They'd let me fall asleep in their bed then they'd move me to my bed. In the morning when I woke up, I was told that gremlins moved me. When my sister was old enough for her own bed, we decided to bedshare with each other.
My family is veeeeery strange.
my parents are not ap, but from my mom's stories my sisters and i were always responded to when we cried. we were rocked to sleep until atleast preschool at that and i slept with my parents most nights untik atleast ten. my older sister has ocd and horrible anxiety and my oldest sister has add and depression. i have had bouts of bad anxiety in the past too.
my mom gets on me more than anyone about cosleeping, but was horrified when my sister did cio with my niece at four months. she has told my sister that if she doesnt want her daughter to be rocked to find someone else to watch her, because she refuses to let her cry alone.
i dont have anything against sleep training after six months, and if coop had a different temperment we might would have done some by now. besides my sister, i dont know anyone who did cio before a year old.
Any documented problems most likely came from crackheads who would just leave a 2 month old baby in a room all night and not go back till morning. Totally different than loving parents trying to teach an older infant how to get a good night's sleep.
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
My moms Pedi told her to let me CIO when I 3 weeks old. I get sick thinking about it but I don't really remember it because I was 3 weeks old. I always knew my mom loved me and until recently I hadn't even been aware that I did CIO. I personally am against it for my family but I will let him fuss in his room. My mom suggested I CIO when we first brought him home as did DH (the DAY we brought him home), and I got very vicious and told them both off. My mom actually looked it up and said she feels awful that she made me CIO and wishes she hadn't. DH learned that I know best when it comes to babies although he did try it for 20 minutes when I went out to the movies when LO was about a month old and I just about killed him. My friend did with her kids at one month and then decided that was to early and did at 2 months for the next. Her children both seem well adjusted and happy.
ETA: When my mom made me CIO, she said she sat in the room with me and patted my back, the next morning she said I looked like a different baby and she felt awful about it.
My mom did CIO and I have a very tough time getting close/trusting people. I had a rough childhood outside of that particular thing, so I doubt my feelings are solely from CIO, but probably from years of neglect in other ways.
My mom told me to let Cooper CIO at 3 days old 'because he didn't really need to eat every 3 hours' and that he 'would eventually learn not to wake up until morning'. I was completely horrified that my mom recommended I starve my newborn.
This is what I was going to say in my original post. I think CIO only affects the extreme cases, ones where babies literally are left to cry all the time and never shown affection. Babies left in wet diapers all day, playpens 24/7 etc.
And OP, if you need sleep training there are many other ways. I've read the No Cry Sleep Solution and used a lot of those tips to transition to the crib. We bedshare mostly but she would sleep in her crib the whole night if we let her. There are definitely alternatives to CIO and Ferber.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
I have no idea. I don't think it's it's imporant.
Why are you assuming everyone who sleep trains does it painfully w/ a baby that isn't ready?
I sounds as though you're incredibly misinformed about sleep training.
ding ding ding ding ding!
I finally resorted to CIO when DS wasn't sleeping well. He was up until the wee hours and had bags and dark circles under his eyes. Up until that point I NEVER let him cry b/c it made *me* uncomfortable. So one night I finally broke down and let him cry. He cried for less than 5 min and was out like a light. It was at that point that I realized I hadn't been concerning myself with his needs, but with my needs. I felt guilty for a while but gradually got over it.
My son has never been an amazing sleeper, but as a baby got SO much better once i finally allowed him to CIO.
My mom nor my MIL did CIO, but they had no need to. From the stories we're told DH and I were both fantastic sleepers from Day 1.
I don't actually know anyone IRL who has done CIO...
DD2 8.22.13
MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18
I'm mostly a lurker (probably because of this issue - most others I fall in line more AP). My mom had us all CIO, and I believe fairly early - earlier than I'd ever have felt comfortable.
We ended up doing sleep training for night wakings, although past 6 mo, and we checked in at fairly small intervals, never going past 10 min. I'm well adjusted, and DS seems to be, too. My sisters... well...
Apparently my parents let me CIO at one month old. I guess they got tired of rocking me to sleep. I think I turned out okay.... I still think it is complete BS that they did this to me when I was that young.
However, I never did CIO with DS, nor do I believe in doing CIO.
This. We did sleep training at 15 months because DS was up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night and our entire family was chronically sleep deprived. We tried Ferber but seeing us just made him think we were going to take him out of his crib and when we didn't he would become hysterical.
We had to resort to full-on CIO. He never cried longer than 20 minutes and I don't regret it for one minute because he has slept through the night about 90% of the time since then. The sleep deprivation would have been much more detrimental to him in the future than the crying. Particularly since DH and myself were such zombies during the day we couldn't properly interact with him.
Now if we're talking about CIO for hours iwth an infant under 6 months I have an entirely different feeling on the subject.
My mom did do CIO (2+ hour extinction, multiple nights) with me, at my father's insistence. She still regrets it to this day, said it was horrible, and that I was never the same baby after. Her advice for me was not to do it.
I don't agree with CIO. I don't think CIO is for the baby, I think it's for the parents. Ultimately, a well-rested family is very important, and if you have to CIO because it's best overall, I get that. I find it similar to breastfeeding; breastfeeding is best in general, but not best for every family and every situation.
Not letting your baby cry-it-out (what is IT anyway? Cry WHAT out?) is better, if you can do it. If you can't, there are more important decisions you will make in your child's life.
That being said, David has been a frequent night-waker for a year, I work 60+ hours a week, I have health problems, and we still found a way to avoid sleep training and get enough sleep as a family. It would have been easier to let him CIO. It was important to us that he not CIO, and we had to work at it.
Breastfeeding is best b/c breastmilk is best. You can't say what sleep arrangement is best for a baby b/c there is no ONE best way that a baby falls and stays asleep.
You know what I don't agree with? parenting that serves only the parent at the expense of the child. And bedsharing could easily fall under that category. But it would be foolish of me to make some kind of blanket statement saying that it was b/c I know that's not true.
You have to remember in the 70's, Dr. Spock was all the rage. Your mothers may have felt sick doing it and that's why they turned on radios. Be glad we live in an era where more women are comfortable asserting themselves and their beliefs about how they should do things rather than strictly conforming to the social norms. You never know how they felt about it. As recently as the 1950s women were told that holding their child "unnecessarily" and telling kids you loved them would spoil and ruin them. I think in the past, and even now, people are doing what they *think* is best. It's too bad women are so often taught to ignore their instincts. If men had the same internal alarm clock that goes off when their baby is screaming, no one would ever insist ignoring it was the best option!
My mom never did with me, she didn't buy into the parenting fads of the 70s and 80s.
H is a different story, according to the ILs the pedi told them to CIO the first day home from the hospital because H was formula fed and therefore didn't need to eat in the middle of the night
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I sometimes wonder if everyone on this board has ever really read Ferber and his methods? Or Weissbluth? Because it sounds like everyone is painfully uneducated on sleep training the way that most well-balanced parents do it.
For me, my children getting a good solid night's sleep and good solid naps is priority #1. They are happier, are more alert, more able to learn and be curious, and are just plain healthier when they get QUALITY sleep. This means REM sleep, full uninterrupted sleep cycles, and the ability to fall asleep on their own if necessary.
Babies who nap in their mom's arms, in slings, in carseats, swings, or strollers (essentially in motion) are not getting the same quality deep sleep that babies are getting in cribs, cots, or bassinets. Overnight bedsharing is fine if it is for you, but naps should still be in a bed or crib (somewhere that isn't moving).
I am all for breast feeding, baby wearing, not spanking, positive reinforcement, and lots of other AP principals. My DD is the sweetest little girl and I praise her and love on her constantly. But I will not shy away from healthy sleep habits because of some tears. She doesn't cry often (never has), but sometimes she is just overtired or cranky and in those cases, she cries for a few minutes before falling asleep. When she wakes up she is usually 100% happier.
People who sacrifice their child's sleep (especially older babies and toddlers) because they can't possibly bear the thought of not letting their kids ask for food/attention several times per night are not doing their kids any favors IMO. Nutritionally, kids don't need to be eating overnight past 3-9 months (it depends on what you read, who you trust). And "play time" should never happen during sleep time. Kids are very quick learners and THRIVE in routine. There is nothing cruel about a solid sleep routine that brings with it the expectation STTN.
I have no idea if my mom had my sister or I CIO. There are thousands of opportunities to be a good or bad parent. I know this is a hot topic on the AP board, but I doubt it realistically makes a lick of difference in the long run. People who "never" let their baby cry are not winning any parenting medals yet... there is a LOOOONG way to go.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
AMEN! This is one of the best posts is Bump history!
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
Yeah, this exactly. Look, this probably isn't the board to come to about realistic and non hysterical views on some level of cry it out. I went against all my instincts, all my common sense and never let Jo cry. Not for one minute. I'd pull the car over. I'd never let her whimper. I was there, rocking and cooing and coddling and being THE mom. Being THE mom who was there for her baby. You know? Because that's what good mothers do. They jump at every whimper, never let their baby roll over without assistance and watch for any signs of concern. I was bombarded with well meaning but fairly uneducated blog posts about the long term affects of CIO. Most of which were so heinous (and you know, afterwards I found out, so completely false) that they lead me to believe that if Jo so much as whimpered without my presence, she'd be on her way to becoming the next John Wayne Gacy.
Yeah. i was about as attached to Jo after 8 months of that as I was to a mosquito net. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, hating every single solitary moment of motherhood and knee deep in the mud of martyrdom. And you know what else? Jo was miserable. Then, one day I read Dr. Ferber's book ::GASP:: talked to real people (all of whom, somehow escaped a couple of minutes of crying without any lifelong trauma, because, you know, that idea is actually crazy) and I put my baby down. I put her down. I felt the relief almost instantly. And 7 minutes of crying later Jo slept. She didn't sleep through the night, but she slept for over an hour for the first time. Then it went to 2 hours. And finally by 15 months she was only waking once. Heaven. HEAVEN. I started realizing there was fun in being a mom.Jo lost her red eyed sunken look and finally got some sleep. And then she started being super fun and giggly.
Boards like this aren't necessarily building better mothers. Please remember that. You do what is right for you and what is best for you and your baby. And that is going to look very different than it does for me or anyone else. But ignore the nonsense. I beg you and make your own decision.
Jo is the most amazing, spirited, funny, sweet, polite, sassy 3 year old I've ever known and I adore her. If a few minutes of CIO made her that way, so be it. I think most people are VERY misinformed about sleep training.
When I had a 10 month old who had bags under his eyes I knew I was doing it wrong.
That's what I think many on this board never hear about. If all you knew about CIO came from this board, you'd think it only happened to children who were too young by parents who only did it for their own sadist desires.
Hoever, sleep training can be very useful and legitimate for a child who needs it. Someone on this board once mentioned a child's needs at night (suggesting that you're ignoring a child's needs if you sleep train. My response was, what if what the child needs, more than anytying, is sleep?