Is this not realistic? Am I being insensitive?

jennieliz · April 2011

Jodi&Joe:
If I were your mom, I'd be peeved that you couldn't afford a ticket (so haven't visited the dying relative) but now that someone bought you a ticket, you can spend money on a rental car, Disney breakfast (not cheap), petting zoo, etc.

I can see your point that you want to do things with your son but I would pick things that are FREE and close by.

I 100% agree with this statement. We did a character breakfast and it was $100 for 4 people. It's not a $10 buffet and he won't even know the difference or remember it.

MaxandRuby · April 2011

I get wanting (and needing) to keep your 1yr old entertained but your mom is right that it isn't (in general) a pleasure trip. I'd either rent a car or prepare to pay for taxi rides and foot the bill for all extra things you do. If you DO get a ride from a family member at least give them money to cover their gas.

sunandsand · April 2011

shouldbworkin:
I would rent your own car. Go onto priceline and bid super low on one until you get one. I can foresee you spending your mornings there, but not the whole day. Or at least going back to your hotel or family's house for naptime and going back for a visit later on in the day. Other than that, I'd just take advantage of the good weather, go for walks, go to the park, petting zoo doesn't seem unreasonable to me. but, I wouldn't do Disney. that's an all day thing and you really are there to see your Gma and bring some happiness to her last days here.

I agree with a previous poster, it is going to sound shady of me to accept the free ticket and then show up with my own rental car now matter how cheap I can get one. We'll just put a few miles on the stroller and wing it. Run in the grass if we have to!

DaiLyght · April 2011

I think you're being very insensitive. I think you're trying to use this as an opportunity to vacation and when you got called out on it, you're trying to back peddle. It's not that difficult to entertain 1 year old. As many have pointed out, a simple walk around the block is more than enough. If you can't be an adult and come to realize the reasons you're going down there, then you shouldn't be going at all.

justEK · April 2011

I totally agree with Jodi.

And I read the other post linked here from 12-24. I think you sound totally insensitive and I think you need to go and learn something about dying.

I should mention that she has had no difference in health over the last year. She has some dementia and lives in a nursing home. When I visited her 3 yrs ago on my honeymoon, she seemed to know who I was but kept asking me the same 5 questions. But since "she might not be around much longer" (which is true, but has been true for the last decade, right?) My aunt has offered to buy me 1 plane ticket to Orlando to visit for a weekend.

This comment pissed me off. I have watched more than 5 people take their last breaths. Maybe she kept asking you the same 5 questions, but it probably meant the world to her to ask someone else those 5 questions.

Go and learn that it's not about you. It's about the one that's leaving and everyone that's left behind. I know your DS is too small to learn, but hopefully you will learn enough to teach him some kind of respect for the elderly and respect for the dying.

sunandsand · April 2011

Alright. I can see I am digging my own hole here. Thanks to those who pointed out some things that I didn't realize at the time. We probably won't plan anything at this point, and just see how it goes when we get there.

gracendantho26 · April 2011

Your focus on fun for this trip seems a wee bit inappropriate. I think you really need to be sensitive to the reason for this visit. Your child does not need that level of entertainment...some parks, some family time etc. seems like plenty. FWIW we have been goin to my MIL's alzheimers home (which is about 5 min. away) since DS was 2 years old and they don't get bored there. The people there are always happy to see the kids and they find ways to entertain themselves.

I think some decorum is called for here...

gracendantho26 · April 2011

sunandsand:
shopgirl78:
sunandsand:
britanyd:
august06mom:

Zenya:
I wouldn't ask anyone for rides. Rent a car! But taking a little time every day to do something fun with your son sounds perfectly reasonable.

I completely agree with this.

This. But I also want to say I agree more with your mom--this isn't a pleasure trip. And sitting in a nursing home/hospital with someone who is dying is emotionally taxing and exhausting. You do need to do some things for yourself and/or your DS, but I suspect you won't have the time or energy to turn a 4 day trip into a fun vacation filled with Disney memories. Zoo? Maybe. Running all over creation? Most likely not.

I've already made my peace with grandma...My DH and I stopped to visit her on our honeymoon and I said my goodbyes in my own way to her then...back when she knew who I was.

Ouch now you sound insensitve to me. This is for you grandmother, your Aunt and your son.

I didnt mean it like that. I meant to say that I have kind of distanced myself away from the sadness of it all because I think not knowing who your own family is the cruelest thing that could ever happen to a person. Last time I saw her (2008) she was already starting to lose it and I knew it would be the last time I saw her that she would know who I was...so I said my goodbyes then.

Holy crap. This is one of the ost a$$hole things I have ever read here. I am almost speechless. I hope your husband doesn't end up suffering from dementia...you'd just bail on him.

My MIL has not known my husband for years and has never "known" DS because she was past that point in her illness by the time he was born but he loves his grandma to pieces and visits her often.

sunandsand · April 2011

All good points. I apologize.

I didn't want anyone to think I was running away from the post, I have to go get a rhogam shot for some spotting. But I will be back later to read the rest of the comments. Thanks.

veloelle · April 2011

Death/dying is hard. This would be a good opportunity for you to learn some coping skills, kwim? hopefully these responses bring that to light.

gracendantho26 · April 2011

I'm sorry I was so rough in my response. We lost FIL last August and have been living with MIL's alzheimers for a decade now so we have have been in the death/sick/dying spot for a while.

We have to be adults about it and teach our kids the compassion that comes with caring for people who are sick. That is part of being an adult and parent and that it was I should have said in my reply.

Yodajo · April 2011

DaiLyght:
I think you're being very insensitive. I think you're trying to use this as an opportunity to vacation and when you got called out on it, you're trying to back peddle. It's not that difficult to entertain 1 year old. As many have pointed out, a simple walk around the block is more than enough. If you can't be an adult and come to realize the reasons you're going down there, then you shouldn't be going at all.

I agree with this completely. I was going to bold what I agreed with most, but it is all very well said and exactly what I wanted to say.

Don't rent a car. Follow your aunt's agenda while you're there. A walk or just playing with you is all your DS needs. If you rent a car and plan a bunch of side trips, you are going to embarrass your mom and your aunt will be insulted. I promise.

ETA: I just read some more responses that I missed and as someone who lost both their grandfathers and their father to Alzheimer's, you do lack compassion, not just for the dying, but also for the people who are losing a loved one. Alzheimer's is so difficult to witness and I'm sure your aunt is exhausted emotionally dealing with it day in and day out. Your presence will be some relief for her (but not if your taking side trips all over). Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with things and this is one time you need to do just that. If you don't understand that, less damage would be done if you just stayed home.

Littlejen22 · April 2011

Not paying for you DH' ticket is likely not a slight but that your GGma wanted to see your Mom, you and your DS, that's probably all. As for the rest, I can understand that your Mom is trying to be sensitive to the fact that this woman is dying and does not want it to seem like all you are interested in doing is having fun. That said, I would limit the time that a child is in a nursing home considering they are full of super bugs that can be deadly (probably not the best thing to tell you right now but it is 100% true, it is probably worse than a hospital) and you need to contain him so that he is not touching everything in sight. She needs to understand that she is more than welcome to spend the entire time at the nursing home and that you do not expect her to be with you (or I hope you do no) but that your child at 1yo has a limited attention span and you are trying to find things to entertain him, focus on keeping your child from losing his mind instead of you trying to have fun. And plan to go alone. But how do you plan to get around? You cannot expect others to drive you.

sunandsand · April 2011

Littlejen22:
Not paying for you DH' ticket is likely not a slight but that your GGma wanted to see your Mom, you and your DS, that's probably all. As for the rest, I can understand that your Mom is trying to be sensitive to the fact that this woman is dying and does not want it to seem like all you are interested in doing is having fun. That said, I would limit the time that a child is in a nursing home considering they are full of super bugs that can be deadly (probably not the best thing to tell you right now but it is 100% true, it is probably worse than a hospital) and you need to contain him so that he is not touching everything in sight. She needs to understand that she is more than welcome to spend the entire time at the nursing home and that you do not expect her to be with you (or I hope you do no) but that your child at 1yo has a limited attention span and you are trying to find things to entertain him, focus on keeping your child from losing his mind instead of you trying to have fun. And plan to go alone. But how do you plan to get around? You cannot expect others to drive you.

Thanks for your input. Especially about trying to keep my child sane. This is more of what I was trying to say. I think the flames about expecting rides to places are deserved but thank you for understanding that I just don't want to keep him in the nursing home all day. He is very hard to keep happy right now. Its a hard age. And this overwhelming pregnancy fatigue gives me less patience than usual.

sunandsand · April 2011

gracendantho26:
I'm sorry I was so rough in my response. We lost FIL last August and have been living with MIL's alzheimers for a decade now so we have have been in the death/sick/dying spot for a while.
We have to be adults about it and teach our kids the compassion that comes with caring for people who are sick. That is part of being an adult and parent and that it was I should have said in my reply.

Thank you. I really dont want to come off as an a$$hole, even if I am admittedly insensitive to the whole dying process. I am really sorry about what your family had to go through.

Ciarrai · April 2011

Not flaming or at least not trying to. I can see how you would look at this and see the need to entertain your DS and let things get out of hand. I just wanted to give you some prospective... My mom always said that you don't go to a funeral for the person who passed away. You go for the people left behind. While I realize this isn't a funeral, I think a similar idea applies. You're going for your grandma, of course. Seeing your DS and you will bring her joy. But more than that or in addition to that, you will have the memories of her with your DS. Your mom and aunt will have these memories and some joyful time with you and your DS in a rough time in their lives. Kids bring so much joy to people just being themselves - playing and laughing and exploring the world. Enjoy your time with your family.

Get some sidewalk chalk for the driveway or even if your grandma can go outside at the nursing home. A small beach ball that you can pack in your suitcase and then blow up is also great for hours of fun. Little matchbox cars (if your not worried about the choking hazard) or little airplanes are fun. Play dough is also a good small toy...

Want a personalized experience?

Is this not realistic? Am I being insensitive?

Re: Is this not realistic? Am I being insensitive?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards