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shanwalk2
member
divorce questions.
shanwalk2
member
There has been high stress and anxiety in our house since the news last Friday that FIL wants a very sudden and very unexpected divorce from MIL. She was honestly blindsided.
She's now considering divorce attorney's because apparently FIL has not "officially" filed yet (although he's not talking much, so she's not 100% sure of anything right now).
Is it in her benefit to file first? Or wait for him to file?
FIL and MIL have saved a lot for retirement. She had plans to retire in 3-5 years. FIL was planning another 12 years. She's terrified to be left with out FIL's financial security. She's a teacher and FIL does well for himself. She cried on the phone that she won't be able to afford an attorney. 
. Broke my heart.
I want her to have the most benefits as possible... and if that means filing first - I want to be able to suggest that option.
Can you please share your knowledge or experience? I'm willing to call an attorney on her behalf - but I don't know if they'll talk to me without $$.
Any advice or experience is very very appreciated.
You can also email me at shan walk 2 at yahoo dot com if you'd prefer.
thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: divorce questions.
I don't know a whole lot about divorce in Texas, but the one thing I do know is that she absolutely, positively, without a doubt needs her own attorney. The attorney should also be one who is an expert in handling divorce. She can end up getting really screwed if FIL has a shark of a divorce attorney and she has one who usually does wills or real estate or adoptions.
She definitely should not share an attorney with FIL (some people do this in amicable divorces).
I think--and this may be wrong--that her DH can be made to pay her attorney expenses if the finances are very lopsided.
She needs to gather up information about bank accounts, retirement, debts, etc. Make copies of everything just in case FIL tries to hide assets.
If they've been married a while--and it sounds like they have--she will be entitled to a share of his retirement accounts and/or pension.
Their joint marital assets will belong 50% to her, but she needs to make sure she has a good divorce attorney to protect her interests.
I don't know if there is any benefit to her filing first.
I guess FIL said he envisions an amicable divorce and told her tonight he wouldn't file until she was "ready". I'm not sure what that means. He told DH that he was hoping they could just get one lawyer and work it out between them. I mean I guess an amicable divorce is possible... I just can't imagine.
Thank you for the info. They've been married 29 years and she knows she'll get 50% of the retirement... but she's still very worried about this new lifestyle she will need to get accustomed to. This is great information to pass along, so thanks again.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
Without going into details, I know family members/acquaintances/friends who have really lost out when things were supposed to be "amicable."
If FIL really comes through with an amicable divorce, that would be the best case scenario.
Sharing a lawyer can be very risky since the lawyer may not be looking out equally for both party's best interests. It's like the buyer and seller of a house sharing a real estate agent. It may work out great, or one party may not have their interests fully represented.
Sorry your MIL is going through this. Divorces can get very ugly very fast. I hope they can work everything out without going down that path, but she should make sure that her interests are protected.
There really isn't a benefit to her filing first. Filing is just a first step - the division of assets comes after that, and the details are worked out after that. It is possible to do it amicably - but it would be best if she gets her own lawyer, so she has an advocate on her side.
Texas is a 50 - 50 state. She is entitled to half of everything. Not just retirement, but stocks, savings accounts, etc. Texas also does not allow for Alimony, but there is "maintenance" that has a lot of qualifiers - have to be married more than 10 years, have a substantially lower income, etc. Here's a link with good info: https://www.divorcelawtexas.com/txpages/Alimony/alimony.asp. Its a good idea to get a mediator to review all assets and help come to a fair division.
If FIL really has her best interests at heart, and does not fight too much about splitting the money, it might be possible to do it with one lawyer and a mediator. Just make sure that its iron clad and clearly states in the decree what goes where. That was my mistake during my divorce - which is why I'm still trying to get my XH make good on his end of the agreement four years later. sigh.
I agree with pp. She definitely needs her own attorney. I've been wanting to comment but so busy and it looks like you already got some good recs. I had a client who worked with Micah and she also really liked him.
As for filing first, I'm not sure it matters that much, but definitely couldn't hurt her. She may want to see if she has been paying in to any lawyer insurance policy with her teaching benefits. Also, if she truly has a low income, I can recommend a good attorney who does Lawyer Referral Service, which is a sliding scale program.
Oh, and yes, she can ask him to pay for her lawyer's fees. Whether that happens is another thing, but she can definitely ask. Hope that helps.
She needs to get her own attorney, period. She needs someone to look out for her own interests. I just don't believe that divorce can ever be really amicable. They are going to be splitting up 29 years of savings and retirement funds. How can that not get emotionally charged? She wants to make absolutely sure she has someone on her side.
My divorce attorney advised me that filing first can carry with it an advantage, particularly if you have to go to court. The person who files gets to speak first. Accoding to her, and my brother who is a divorce attorney, speaking first is always best. I, fortunately did not have to go to court, everything settled in mediation. However, I can tell you this, my ex-H started out saying he wanted to be fair, split everything evenly, blah blah... But when it all played out, it got ugly and was all about him wanting as much as he could get.
Yep. No matter how amicable people want it to be, it usually ends up getting ugly at some point over something and it will help her to have her interests protected by a separate attorney.
I might be wrong here but I think it would be beneficial for her to go ahead and file so that her attorney can file a motion to freeze the assets. I want to say that without doing that, her husband could withdraw and/or move money on his accounts or their joint accounts that might end up screwing her. I'm not saying he would do that but I seem to recall my DH telling me that when he was trying to explain to me what a Temporary Restraining Order is and why you would want one served in divorce proceedings. I thought a TRO was issued only to make one party keep a certain distance from another party and didn't understand until he explained. Here is a link with more info: https://www.milissabarrick.com/faq.php
Again, not an attorney and never been divorced so I could be completely off base here. Sorry that your family and mil are going through this.
they sound just like my parents. i'm really sorry--that is so hard. you got great advice from previous posters. the only thing i want to add is this. my parents have been saying they are getting divorced for well over a year. neither has filed. i think both have consulted lawyers, but neither has one officially. so, don't encourage her to file first, because in the end, they may stay together a little longer. or alot longer. after that many years of marriage, neither one may be ready to jump to divorce right away. it is really stressful for all involved. i recommend counseling!
also, my mom opened her own bank account, a safe deposit box and set up direct deposit from work in her new account. just in case.
like i said, it's been sad/stressful for all of the family.
ugh. Dragging this on sounds horrible.
However, I think you may be right. Neither seems ready to speak to a lawyer to get things going. DH met with FIL last night and he says he wants to give MIL time to "adjust" and figure out what she's going to do. I think it's all just to feed his own personal ego... but hey, that's me.
You guys have been really helpful. I'll email all of this to MIL and see what she thinks.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
Do you mind if I ask why you're so involved in this process? One of the WORST things my ILs did was involve DH in their divorce. As the child of divorced parents myself, it is incredibly damaging to get involved. The parents start seeing it as playing sides, feelings get hurt, relationships get ruined.
It already strikes me that y'all seem to be taking your MIL's "side," so my advice is to try and extricate yourselves and maintain relationships with both parents.
I'm involved in this process to help alleviate some of the stress on DH. I know he's very involved, which isn't ideal - but it's the best way for DH's family. His family is very traditional and there are cultural expectations that I can't explain (and don't fully understand, myself).
The nature of how all this mess happened (without going into details) - he needs to help his mom as much as possible. MIL has no other family besides her children, and DH is her (only) support system.
I really appreciate your thoughts... and you're probably right... but unfortunately, it's just not possible in our situation. MIL is so tired and broken, she's asked our help and for me to assist in her research - so I'm just trying to help where I can.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.