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Stay at Home Moms
pumpkinwife07
member
One of the reasons SAHM's get criticized by WM's...
pumpkinwife07
member
Comments like "I don't want a "stranger" raising my baby. Come on...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: One of the reasons SAHM's get criticized by WM's...
I cringe whenever a SAHM posts that..........
When your kids go to school for a full-day is a "stranger" raising your child? Absolutely not........Just because they spend a lot of time somewhere does NOT mean that those people are raising their kids.........
The poster who said this is NOT a sahm, she's not even a mom yet, she's pregnant with her first child. So it's just a naive comment.
She's not the only one who has posted this in this board.
There is plenty on both sides.
My favorite from this week was someone who basically said both she and her DH make too much money to ever stay home, like all of us who stay home could not possibly ever have made 6 figures, save for retirement, or have advanced degrees. I also like, "I would go crazy, I don't know how you do it. My mind would be numb."
Well then that's just sad!
For what it is worth- a woman who hasn't had a baby yet- posted that. NOT a SAHM. Just clarifying.
whoops didn't read the other comments- mermaid pointed that out already. and regardless- it is a ridiculous commment to make
I've barely seen my kiddo the last few weeks (I have volunteer/intern hours and class during the day and training and class at night M-Th). Somehow she still manages to remember that I'm her mother despite being handed off to the stranger wolves during the day.
And I am totally with JOEbunny - there's stupidasshole comments from both sides, and I'm really just over it.
It's an opinion. Maybe I am naive because I don't have any kids yet. Everyone's views are different, that doesn't mean they need to be criticized. Some may feel that way, others may not. I'm sure it's included in the thought process for most making the decision.
Maybe it could have been worded better, but that is beside the point. I didn't mean anything bad by it. I'm sure that there are great daycares & childcare centers. I don't understand why people jump on comments to criticize them...
I understand what you meant. It's just that as a statement, it really fuels SAHM/WM animosity. If you weren't in a position to or just choose not to stay home with your baby, how would you feel about someone saying, "So you're going to let some stranger raise your child?" It would probably get your back up.
Yes one of my primary reasons for being home is so I can be the main caregiver and primary influence and enjoy the time with my daughter.
I guess in my above post I was reacting to the wording of it. When SAHM's make the blanket statement of: "I don't want a stranger raising my baby!" it irks me. Many of my friends are working moms who would love to stay home if they could. They are donig the best they can for their family by working and leaving their children with the best care they can find. I know how this type of statement makes them feel.
Yes, I realize I could have worded it better. I know not everyone has the option. I wasn't saying it like it is the worst thing in the world. Just saying that I would like to be the one to raise our kids full time when they are young if it is feasible
you know? Wasn't trying to step on any toes. If I knew that comment was so irking I would have worded it differently
Noel - August 2010
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I try not to ever say this, because I can only imagine how hurtful it is to working mothers, but deep down, it is how I feel, especially regarding daycares. This isn't to knock down daycares. Daycare providers try REALLY hard and have a VERY difficult job in my opinion, but there is just no possible way they can give every single child one-on-one care like I can with my DS at home. They can't possibly love my DS as much as I do either. Selfishly, even if we had a close family member nearby to take care of our DS during the day, and give him all the one-on-one attention I do, I would feel really hurt and really jealous of that family member getting to see so many firsts. While the wording of the original statement is not the best, I do think it's a valid reason for wanting to be a SAHM. Still, using that reason to knock down a working mom who is just trying to do what is best for her family is NOT OK. Many families live in HCOL towns that require both parents to work. Just because a mom can't be a SAHM doesn't mean she loves her kids any less and it doesn't mean she shouldn't be a mom.
It's not just the "stranger" part of it. It's the fact that people out there (I'm not picking on the person who posted this comment today) think that because your child is in daycare/babysitting, whatever all day that SOMEONE ELSE is raising those children. That idea is absurd. You are raising your children.
My reasoning for SAH is because I want to be there for my kids during the day and I am able to. It's not because I want to avoid "strangers raising my kid". I want to avoid working the 12 hour days with the 2 hour commute so that I can spend more time with my kids. There's is a huge difference in the way things are worded.
Agreed. + I was in no way at all trying to knock WM's in any way.
Ditto.
My son spent his first 6 years in daycare. They weren't strangers. They saw him more than I did most days, they were an important part of his life. They loved him, they knew him as well as I did.
Besides, to assume that a primary caregiver is the one "raising" your child is just foolishness. You, as the parent, dictate the basis for your child's life and are still 100% raising them even if you don't spend every minute of every day with your child(ren).
It's not just the "stranger" part of it. It's the fact that people out there (I'm not picking on the person who posted this comment today) think that because your child is in daycare/babysitting, whatever all day that SOMEONE ELSE is raising those children. That idea is absurd. You are raising your children.
THIS EXACTLY.
As a SAHM who was once a WM with a child in DC, I can tell you that I definitely dictated how he was treated there and what went on to a very large extent. I was 100% raising him with the help of others. Even SAH, occasionally DH and I go out- a family member or baby sitter is with my children. We are still raising them. DS is in preschool. Still us raising him.
Also, my mother always made the "stranger raising him" comment to me when I was working. I knew the DC providers VERY well. They were no strangers to us. Clearly I wasn't passing him off to some random person I just ran into at the mall. To this day, his former DC provider still babysits for us. We have known her for 3.5 years. NOT a stranger to me.
As far as I am concerned, there are many benefits to having children being cared for by a non-family member for part of their week. This is why DS is in preschool. That is my opinion. But I know that I am only one person and another perspective can benefit him. This means I am not the one with him 24/7 and I do miss moments of his day- but it is to HIS benefit and that is what I think is most important. To each their own.
JMB22 - Just because you are a SAHM does not mean you are a good mom. I would imagine some children have a better quality of life at a daycare. I think it's wonderful that you provide the very best to your child by staying home, but that is certainly not the case for everyone.
When I read this I KNEW someone would call her on it!
She is not a mom quite yet so I don't think it's a big deal. Also, I think that if she said something like that in front of a friend who is a WM it would be inappropriate. To say it on a SAHM board, I don't think is such a big deal. I do see both sides....I'd be mad if I was a WM and someone said this to me, however, I get what she's feeling.
I did not want to send my LOs to a daycare or babysitter that I didn't know. That person would be a "Stranger" to me so that part of the statement makes sense to me and I share her feelings. I had a friend that babysat so that's where I was going to send DD when I was deciding whether or not to SAH.
The "Raising" part of the statement, I guess I'm not sure who I agree with. Like Harriet said, the childcare provider isn't exactly raising your LO, however I do think they are with them a lot of the time, I just don't think "raise" is the right word.
I tired to cover all of the angels and feel like I just babbled and didn't make any sense. I feel like this post was just to stir up drama and it's really not a big deal considering the context of how this statement was said......
So when kids get to school age and go to school for 8 hours a day, is someone else RAISING them? The answer is no. You are still the parent raising them. That's why the idea of daycare raising your kids is absurd.
I'm not saying that daycare isn't helping out with your ideals, beliefs, etc. It's the reason people choose the daycare/nanny/etc. that they will put their child into. But they are not "raising" your kids.......
Thank you Harriet you took the words right out of my mouth- was just going to come on and post the same thing about school age children.
RMJ80- What would you ever do if you have no choice but to work? What if your DH lost his job or left you? You very well could be "forced" to have someone care for your child full time. If you ever have to eat your words, I hope I'm around to see it.
And to Liz342 - tthere are women on this board who work as well. Maybe from home or maybe part-time. Maybe a mom who has been laid off looking for work.
This has me all worked up for no reason. It's really comments like this that will give this board a bad rap.......UGH!
B is in preschool 5 days a week - 2 of those days she's in for 6 hours. I do NOT believe that that preschool is "raising" B, even though she spends a LOT of time there.
OK, off my soapbox. Enough said from me. I'm tired. I need to eat lunch.
Of course schools/daycares/strangers lol- aren't raising kids. That is just silliness. I most of the comments are in agreement that DC's don't 'raise' kids- so we definitely won't get a bad rap
A big part of why I SAH is so I can be our children's primary caregiver during their biggest time of growth and change--the first five years. After that, they will go off to school, as most kids do, for 30-35 hours a week, but going to school at the age of five, and going to full-time daycare at the age of 6 months, or 12 months, or two years, are not the same thing. The first five years are VERY different than the next 12. So every time I see the argument "But they'll be going to school at 5, so will their teachers be raising them???", I immediately think that the comparison makes no sense.
I also do not agree that children in daycare are "being raised by strangers", but I do believe that the daycare providers are certainly helping the parents raise their kids. They are with them for the majority of their awake hours every single week. It's simple math. BUT, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. FOR US, it was not the right choice, but it obviously works just fine for many people. And I would never think that someone's DC provider was a stranger. They obviously get to know the families and kids very well.
DD goes to MDO, and will be going to preschool two mornings a week in the fall, and I believe that her teachers will help us raise her. It will only be six hours a week, but she loves her teachers that she only sees for three hours a week now, so I know she'll be even more attached to her preschool teachers in the fall. There's nothing wrong with other people assisting in the raising of one's children, but for us, we are happy that I can be the one doing it for the majority of the time.
RMJ80 - I think it would be best if you went back and read through everything you wrote - not once did I see you write anything positive about daycare.
Does this ring a bell? We weren't interested in strangers, our best friend, a licensed caregiver, or even our parents caring for our children if we could avoid it.
I'm hoping at some point you can't avoid it. You are closed-minded.
AlmostJennifer - You are clearly uneducated when it comes to daycare/preschool, etc if you think they are raising your kid. There may very well come a time in your life when having someone else (GASP) may have to watch your child. Notice I said watch, not raise.
I don't see how this furthers your argument or adds to the discussion.
This exactly. In my opinion, there's a big difference b/w a 5-year old going off to school and a 3-month old going off to daycare. A 5-year old needs social interaction and can learn from a group dynamic, as well as learn new things on a variety of topics. A 3-month old, not so much. I believe the primary caregiver has a huge impact on the child in those first few years, and I'm guessing that's why people refer to daycares as "raising" a child and not schools or teachers.
Actually I do it for selfish reasons (although I work part time, and *gasp* my kids are watched by my parents 8 hours a week). I would miss my kids too much if I were working full time.
There are many benefits that children in daycare get that my kids simply don't get. If I had to go back to full time work, I would not feel as someone else were raising my kids, nor would I feel bad about it in any way. I feel confident I could find a childcare provider that could keep with the same discipline, morals, etc that I would want to instill in my child.
I don't get this sentiment at all. I can't imagine thinking that I was the most awesome mother and superior to all other caregivers before I even had my first child. I was a WM for 2+ years and very happy to have some help from a truly wonderful, patient, kind woman with tons of experience.
Lord knows I could use it now.
I'm a lurker here...
We've had a SAHD situation for over two years. So because he is home with the girls all day long is he raising them more than me? Because I have to tell you that it sure doesn't feel that way.
And FWIW, I think the whole SAHM/WM debate is BS. People need to get over themselves, stop worrying about everybody else's choices and just do what is best for their own families.
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