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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
My Apologies....
....to anyone who I may have offended, but I'm having a bad day already and people acting like this is triage at the ER has got me irritated.
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Re: My Apologies....
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
I agree. I did not find your post offending. I found it to be a mama still grieving getting sick of so many women that come here asking us to play doctor. The thought to come here before my baby was gone never occurred to me even when prognosis got worse and worse, went through an amnio because I was high risk for terminal choromosomal defects... no, I still didn't show up here. In fact, I wouldn't even lurk because I felt like it would determine my outcome. What do these women expect us to say, "OH! You are definitely miscarrying." Or to start apologizing for what they are going through (somewhat standard stress of being pregnant.)
Okay, I'm rambling... I just figured I would b*tch and moanhere as opposed to further flaming that fire down below...
Does anyone think that this issue lessened somewhat when cowgirl was daily posting the excerpt from the TTCAL blog (linked on some posts with "newbies and lurkers please read before posting)? To me, it seemed like it did. I know cowgirl isn't posting as often, maybe someone else would like to spearhead this? (I would but I won't be on as often as I'm back to work at my restaurant tomorrow).
MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
You didn't offend me at all - I think the "OMG am I having a miscarriage?!?!" posts are way out of line here.
And you know, maybe this isn't so popular, but I'm also getting tired of the "my sister, (cousin, BFF's husband's cousin's wife)...had a miscarriage, what can I do for her??" questions. It's like we're the active misery viewing portal here? I don't care for those, but I just don't answer them. I know they mean well, it just rubs me the wrong way to come to women that are going through so much and ask us how to "fix" other women going through miscarriages. We don't know, that's why we are here. /rant
BFP 2.19.11 - Missed miscarriage, April 2011
It's just these "I think I'm miscarrying" posts. Today was not the right day for me to see YET ANOTHER. I feel bad because if things don't end well I wish for her to still feel welcome to mourn here, but like the 90% of these other women, I just see her as likely to be on her BMB in no time.
Those make me soooo mad because honestly all you need to do is not be an insensitive ass (and posting on here shows me you already fail at that), and if someone made those posts about ME I'd be offended, HIGHLY.
SIGGY WARNING
I am so sorry if my post about my cousin hurt you guys. I had TONS of people asking these kinds of things about me to others while we were going through countless losses with IF, then losses with adoption, then losses with foster care and then thinking we were going to lose our daughter after she was born. 2 weeks ago I pictured the very post I would have to write here after we lost our daughter, it was only by a miracle that we didn't lose her.
But I haven't ever experienced what my cousin is going through, losing at baby at 22w, and I knew if anyone could tell me what might have helped if would be you ladies. I am so sorry if you were hurt by my post, I know nothing you could say or I could do would fix her, but I was grateful for the advice.
No need to apologize. I too, am sick of the "I think I am m/c" posts and the "what can I do for my friend" posts. They are hurtful and happen WAY too often. It says right on the board description that this is a board to get and give support to women who have had losses, not to treat us like fish in a tank to observe from the outside and study or to treat us like doctors.
I am a serial lurker at the adoption board and I am alway trying to find out what's going on with you so when I saw your post I was bias and could not be offended by anything you said, but the same content by someone who I know nothing about upsets me. I don't want to offend because I really like you, but I think that maybe the adoption board would have offered advise as well and I am not sure but the majority would have been receptive and not offended.
BTW: The definition of a run-on sentence: Anything mommymoore writes.
lol I write lots of run on sentences as well. I almost posted on SAIF about it, and I probably should have, but i just figured this would have been the best place to get an answer (and I was offered 2 books she might find helpful and ordered them right away). Should I delete the post? I feel so bad
Okay. I'm sorry but I'm having a really hard time comprehending how you are drawing the comparison between losing a child to death and losing an adoptive placement.
The first time I saw you mention it I wrote it off as perhaps you didn't really think your statement through but now? You really thought that a miscarriage/pregnancy loss board would be the right place to post a failed adoption placement?
Seems rather crass and highly inappropriate.
"It's a child, not a cheeto" Thanks mmariluh!
"Ew. I've read all of two posts from you, and you stink like rotting garbage."
when we thought we were going to lose our daughter, who we watched come into this world, named, held and fed for the first time and took home as our child, I worried people wouldn't allow me to grieve as if I had lost a child (and I have a biological child, the love for each is exactly the same).
I figured if there was one place on this site where people would understand loss is loss no matter how different they are from each other, it would have been this board.
The loss of our daughter would have felt exactly like a death. The death of a 2 week old child. In our minds and our hearts.
So yes I would have come here for support and I would be willing to bet I would have gotten it. From most.
Yea.... except that child would still be alive. Not living with you but still living. They'd see birthdays and Christmases and go to school. They'd maybe get married and have children of their own someday.
Just because you wouldn't be their parent doesn't mean they wouldn't have a life.
"It's a child, not a cheeto" Thanks mmariluh!
"Ew. I've read all of two posts from you, and you stink like rotting garbage."
I understand that (as much as I can). And I truly mean that. But the loss of a child post birth and a 5w pregnancy are on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as loss goes and yet all losses are welcomed here.
I'm sorry if you can't see what would have been the biggest lost we've ever experienced as acceptable to you.
I will end this now.
I truely think that the loss of your adoptive child was on the SAME spectrum of loss as pregnancy and child loss. I know that one day I will adopt, despite my ability to have children on my own, and if the adoption (baby) that I had planned for, loved, and put my dreams into, fell through, I would probably run right to this same board because my loss would feel just as great.
Yes the child will live on, but as a parent it's like your role as a parent has died and the emotional loss of that child is as completely devestating as the loss of a child that is biologically your own.
As for deleting the post, I really don't know if that's necessary, no one else seemsto be screaming for it.
PS: I'm mad that people are trying to minimize your loss (say that theirs was more dramatic, traumatic, painful), it's not fair, and none of us would do that to them.
I have to agree with you. I rather have had an adoption loss. The child would be with another family ALIVE. My son is in an urn and will ever see his birthday, he never saw his mommy or daddy he never saw his room, he never got to meet his big sister. I understand that losing a child to adopton is hurtfull, but its not a miscarriage or pregnancy loss... Theres a place for adoption issues under the adoption board. If losing your daughter to adoption was like losing my son, then you wouldnt be here asking what you could do for your cousin.
Also, I do not mind the "what could I do for my friend she lost her baby" posts. No one cared enough about me to do that. Instead all I got was "you can have more babies" and "things happen for a reason" I will be glad to respond to those posts, but to "I think i'm having a miscarriage" posts you can take yourself to the hospital not here. Having lost our babies does not make us experts in giving advice nor does it mean we want to give you advice on your "bleeding".
Concerning the adoption loss - please post on the adoption board. There are unfortunately many women there who have gone through the same thing.
In my opinion, the bump has multiple message boards geared towards certain aspects of TTC/Pregnancy/Parenting and they should be utilized for different aspects of those life events.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all applies here more than anywhere else on the nest/bump, try to remember that!
It makes me sad that people on this board are now poo-pooing the posts where people are asking for advice. You see the subject heading, and if it offends you, don't read it!
Three years ago, after my first pg loss, this board was nothing but full of support, to ALL who came here, now, I am not finding it as friendly or supportive after my second loss a few weeks ago.
Many of us often complain about insensitive people, and those coming here for advice on how to help a friend/cousin, etc. are looking to be as sensitive as possible, and while a local board may be a more appropriate place to ask for advice, they are still asking nonetheless to avoid inappropriate actions and saying the wrong thing. Again, if that type of stuff offends you, don't click on the post.
my read shelf:
Normally they read: "Advise please....." and have a ticker shouting about THEIR healthy pregnancy........ But in theory this comment is fantastic...............................................................
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The posts where people are looking for advice on helping others aren't usually clear on what it's about, so I do open and read them. But I do have to say, that if that's what the post is about, I simply don't reply to it. I'm not going to flame someone to high heaven for asking that stuff, and I did say in my original "unpopular opinion" that I KNOW they mean well, but for me, personally, that just digs a little at me.
If someone IRL were to ask me now, two weeks post m/c, how to be there for another friend/family member going through this, it would turn my world upside-down with grief and shock from that insensitivity. Especially if it was a stranger more or less (i.e. the receptionist at my doctor's office), that would put me over the edge.
I don't think it's bad that they're asking; hell I wish a lot of my family would have asked someone what to say to me. But I DO think it's a minefield of emotions here, and there could be a better place to ask such a question. Maybe PGAL, or TTCAL?
BFP 2.19.11 - Missed miscarriage, April 2011
I agree with this soooooooo much. This is like the unofficial raw emotions board. If someone gets the teeth of the beast, well that's not anyone's fault but theirs.