My first night as a single mom....

Crystal318 · April 2011

Okay well after about a year of my FI being on ans selling drugs, today was the last straw. I have posted several times regarding his problem and asking for advice, etc. but I have finally hit MY rock bottom with his addiction.

I am scared. I feel strong for telling him to leave but I am afraid of falling for his lies again even thought that's what they are and I know it. I am scared I will let him guilt me into letting him come home. I am scared something bad will happen to him and it will be my fault for making him leave. In my head, I really know at the very moment that his drug problem and any consequences that arise from it, are not my fault but sometimes I let my mind go into a fog and I can be tricked into thinking it is my fault.

That is what I am scared about.

I am happy. I am happy I have taken the first step to taking care of ME. I have been taking care of FI and his drug dealing and using for over a year. I literally BLEW UP today. I have NEVER yelled at him. EVER. But I just lost it today. I let him know how miserable I am and how I was just not going to take his lies and his lifestyle for one more minute. It felt sooooo good to get it all out. So good.

I am happy that I am making a positive change for my LO, my #1 concern in this whole matter. I thought I was doing a good thing for LO by trying to save his dad and get him to quit drugs but then I finally realized that this is out of my control and that the best thing I could do for LO dad is to let him go. He will never change in this warm cozy home, with his loving fiance and adorable loving son. Why would he? If my FI is not good enough for me, in the state that he is in, why did I think he was good enough for my son?

It has taken me a VERY long time to get to this point. I have went to counseling with him, bought him books, forced him into detox, talked to his mom and dad and brother about the situation. I have done everything in my power to change him but then I finally realized I DONT HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE HIM! I am so proud of myself.

I am not going to say that I HOPE I can stick with it. I am going to say that I WILL stick with it. I will not allow him to come home. He needs to be off drugs and done dealing for a very long time. I know that if he came back home he would just go back to his old ways. If he changes while he is gone, good for him. Maybe we can work it out. If he stays a drugie, that's his choice and I have to do what is best for me and my son. PERIOD. My son doesnt deserve this. He fought too hard when was born. He almost passed away when he was born and he was so strong and such a little fighter. He fought for his life and I am going to make it worth it for him. I would hope his father would do the same but I guess there is no sense in hoping. My son will have an awesome life, I will make sure of it.

It was hard tonight. FI came "home" to get his stuff and he left and we were both in tears. I dont know where he is going. Probably to a hotel. I know it all takes time. Time will heal everything. I hope.

Well, I can go on and on. Thank you for listening (reading). If you have made it this far - THANK YOU. Actually if you have read any of this - THANK YOU.

Please pray for me to stay strong and for everything to work out for the best, especially for LO.

I am not proofreading this thing so I am sorry for and spelling/grammar errors!

Temp552270562505132 · April 2011

hey, you will be SO MUCH better off. it will take some time, but it will be worth it. SO worth it.

also... you will be so much safer. living with or even being associated with a drug dealer puts you in unspeakable amounts of danger. you need to stick with this for the sake of your LO. if the authorities found out- you could be deemed an unfit mom for subjecting LO to a risky environment. so that should be good enough reason alone to stay away from him.

good luck. it will be hard, but it will get so much easier and you'll feel like a whole new person and be proud of your strength.

BostonGayGal · April 2011

You've taken the single hardest step. Now you just need to support yourself so that you stay as strong as you have proven yourself to be. Congratulations. I am hoping the ladies on here can give you tips because there are books that might help you see him differently and thus help you to maintain your resolve. Kudos to you.

Watergirl21 · April 2011

Hey there... I haven't ready any of your other posts... but what kind of drugs was he involved with?

I am having issues with my DH and I went to a counsellor and she told me that DD will model what she sees me doing. So if I choose to stay with someone who does drugs- she will learn that is okay. Or if I choose to be with someone who doesn't respect me she will think that is okay. Her learning those things from me is not OK. The other thign the counsellor said is that seperating before LO is 2 years old has very little impact on the child compared to seperating when she/he is older. So just think about the message you are sending LO... and you will stay strong.

Crystal318 · April 2011

watergirl21:

Hey there... I haven't ready any of your other posts... but what kind of drugs was he involved with?

I am having issues with my DH and I went to a counsellor and she told me that DD will model what she sees me doing. So if I choose to stay with someone who does drugs- she will learn that is okay. Or if I choose to be with someone who doesn't respect me she will think that is okay. Her learning those things from me is not OK. The other thign the counsellor said is that seperating before LO is 2 years old has very little impact on the child compared to seperating when she/he is older. So just think about the message you are sending LO... and you will stay strong.

My FI abuses prescription pain pills "roxies" Kinda like oxycotton (so I have been told).

Are you still with you DH?

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