Confession: I'm starting to avoid this board :(

oct11bride03 · April 2011

Warning - I've vented about this before so I know I sound like a broken record.

As you may remember, my husband isn't exactly on board with having a second child. He wavers between flat out saying no, to saying we could try assuming we get a bigger house, I get a better paying job, we move somewhere cheaper, etc. etc.

The bottom line is we aren't TTC anytime soon, if ever. And I have to say, it hurts. A lot. It isn't like we could just decide one day to get pregnant and bam, get pregnant. It may not even work again.

No offense to anyone on here, because you know I'm thrilled for you, but seeing so many posts about visiting the RE for #2, actively cycling, surprise BFPs, pregnancies, etc. from women I was pregnant with or who had their baby after me hurts like a stab in the chest every.single.time.

I know it's my own issue to deal with and I don't presume to think anyone on here has missed me or anything, but I just wanted to let you all know what's going on with me.

I love you ladies and I want everyone to grow their families, it just hurts to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. I KNOW my family isn't complete and I don't know what to do about it.

So if you don't see me around much, this is why.

krissyh21 · April 2011

You are not alone. Both H and I decided not to do number 2 and it was more him then me, but I am trying to except it and since I will be turning 40 this year have DOR etc, I feel as though there really is not changing minds or waiting for the economy to get better for him to feel comfortable with the idea.

Some days, not most, when everyone is talking about their pregnancies etc it is like a dull knife turning in my heart. And now it seems almost everyone here is TTC #2 or pregnant with #2 or just given birth to #2.

Of course I am thrilled for those that have had success with number 2, I just have my days of bitter.

I kind of wish there was a One and Done board so I wouldn't feel so all alone and could come to terms with the decision knowing other people can live contently with just one KWIM?

oct11bride03 · April 2011

krissyh21:

I kind of wish there was a One and Done board so I wouldn't feel so all alone and could come to terms with the decision knowing other people can live contently with just one KWIM?

This is a great idea. I would love a board like that.

I'm an only child and I, personally, don't like it, especially as I've gotten older. I wish I had someone to talk to about my parents (especially since they're divorced and both remarried), someone who can reminisce about growing up, someone who will be there for me as my parents grow older, someone to share that burden. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with only children, it isn't what I want for K and if that's our reality I'd like to be surrounded by other moms who can talk about it.

Mouseygail · April 2011

Just sending hugs....Its a tough place to be

ladychicago · April 2011

Honestly, I have been thinking about you with all the #2 talk around. You know my heart goes out to you, and I hate for you more than anything that you and your DH aren't on the same page. Have you guys thought about talking to someone? Just to help the two of you find common ground or peace with your decisions?

As much as I don't like the idea of you avoiding us, you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I hope you know we are always here, arms open, no matter the circumstances. (((hug)))

dana316 · April 2011

(((Big, big, big hugs)))

oct11bride03 · April 2011

ladychicago:
Honestly, I have been thinking about you with all the #2 talk around. You know my heart goes out to you, and I hate for you more than anything that you and your DH aren't on the same page. Have you guys thought about talking to someone? Just to help the two of you find common ground or peace with your decisions?

As much as I don't like the idea of you avoiding us, you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I hope you know we are always here, arms open, no matter the circumstances. (((hug)))

Thanks hon. I know you guys are always here, I just wanted to let people know what's going on with me. I would never GBCSAIF or anything.

As far as counseling for this, I don't see how it would do any good. I'm seeing my PPD psychiatrist in May and will mention it to her, but my husband and I have talked about it to death and there isn't much we can do. He feels badly about how upset this makes me, but we're stuck - I can't force him to have a kid he doesn't want. I definitely need to come to terms with this and maybe my psych will have some tips for me.

saragus · April 2011

Check out babycenter.com. Search for "parents of only children," they have an active forum. Some of the posters are one and done by choice but there are a lot who are there because of circumstance.

Good luck! It's tough when you aren't on the same page as your DH. DH and I decided together to be one and done but he will still make little comments like "well you don't want more kids" that make me wonder what he REALLY thinks.

rockvillebride · April 2011

You're not alone in your feelings. I can't have another bio child for health reasons and don't think we can afford to adopt even though I desperately want a sibling for my son. I still come here regularly because I like to see how everyone is doing and offer support where I can, but I completely understand why that would be too hard. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I sympathize tremendously and am also trying to figure out the best way to come to terms with the hand I've been dealt.

PhillySue · April 2011

Just wanted to give you big hugs!!! I will miss you around here but I understand it being hard to be over here.

AuburnBride06 · April 2011

rockvillebride:
You're not alone in your feelings. I can't have another bio child for health reasons and don't think we can afford to adopt even though I desperately want a sibling for my son. I still come here regularly because I like to see how everyone is doing and offer support where I can, but I completely understand why that would be too hard. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I sympathize tremendously and am also trying to figure out the best way to come to terms with the hand I've been dealt.

I hope you don't mind me responding to you. About not being afford to adopt...I'm sure you've researched your different options but just in case you haven't, I wanted to tell you that there are different options & we had a very affordable non-agency adoption. I'm here if you have any questions! And if you dont already, lurk on the adoption board!

epphd · April 2011

I find myself more on other boards too. I can't get my own head around what we want to do, and with so many new pregnancies, it's hard not to read every update and think "that's where I would be now, if only..." Ugh.

perry7285 · April 2011

(((HUGS)))

we will always be happy to see you here, but i totally understand if you need to take time away from the board when it's making you sad.

SeaSoul · April 2011

I'm sorry you feel this way...I am finding myself not around as much either, for different reasons...you gotta do what you gotta do. But I really hope you & your DH will see eye-to-eye on this subject eventually, because I know that's hard.

Magoy · April 2011

I'm right there with you. We can't have anymore bio kids. I think my husband would be 100% okay w/ being one and done, but I am not.

I know it hurts, especially when you aren't where you are on your own terms. I've watched my IRL friends go on to have their second and third babies. Plus, all the #2 and beyond action over here... it's hard. But this board still feels more like home to me than other boards.

Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone!

(((hugs))))

MBandBud · April 2011

I could have written this post. This has been a huge deal for us and it is so very, very difficult. It's not like you can compromise on the issue. Feel free to PM me. It's a bit to raw for me to post about, so I'm glad you did so I don't feel so alone. Thanks for having the courage.

oct11bride03 · April 2011

Thank you for all the hugs, well wishes and general good thoughts. I truly love you ladies and will always consider this my home board. It's just rough for me right now.

And I'm so very sad that there are others who can relate. I don't want anyone else to feel this way. ((HUGS)) to you all.

MBandBud:
I could have written this post. This has been a huge deal for us and it is so very, very difficult. It's not like you can compromise on the issue. Feel free to PM me. It's a bit to raw for me to post about, so I'm glad you did so I don't feel so alone. Thanks for having the courage.

Sending you a PM now.

sailor71506 · April 2011

You're definitely not alone. DH and I are going to a very similar situation and it SUCKS. 2-3 kids was always the plan for us and in the last 6-8 months DH has changed his mind. Now he says he definitely doesn't want another now, and possibly not ever. It hurts and it sucks and I have no idea where to go from here. I feel like I'm on borrowed time when it comes to having kids. DH doesn't take it our fertility situation seriously at all. Just last night he said we have "plenty of time to have kids later".

Just know that if you ever need to talk to someone we're all here. And you can PM me any time you want to vent or talk about it.

oct11bride03 · April 2011

sailor71506:

DH doesn't take it our fertility situation seriously at all. Just last night he said we have "plenty of time to have kids later".

This is my husband! He still thinks we could have conceived on our own despite my high FSH diagnosis, among other things. He believes if we tried again we'd have no problem getting pregnant on our own because pregnancy always fixes IF. Good grief.

itsmevkb · April 2011

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I so wish your husband was on board with having more children, or at least trying to have more.

It was very difficult for me to be on this board after my miscarriages and seeing women who were due around the same time I was go on and have their healthy babies. Of course I was happy for them but still sad for my losses. We all understand what those emotions are like and no-one is going to take offense for you feeling similar things.

Huge hugs to you and I'll keep you and your husband in my thoughts and send him as many have more babies vibes as I can muster.

jmkatz · April 2011

I'm so sorry I actually thought about you when I posted last night. It must be so incredibly frustrating to not be on the same page as your husband.

I wish you lots of peace with whatever decision you guys come to... and you know I'm always an email away if you ever need to vent/yell/whine, whatever. (((Hugs)))

vandelay · April 2011

I'm really sorry you are going through such a hard thing. I can sort of relate, in that we are not going to do any more treatment, and I'm unlikely to get pregnant again naturally due to my age and DOR. We'd possibly like to adopt, but are unsure of what our options are given, again, my age. The second pregnancies are starting to get a little difficult for me, too. Sending big hugs to you.

DavezWife · April 2011

I'll buy what your sellin. I get that. There's been times where I don't FEEL like a "success" b/c Ava was a fluke, and I'm sucking up staying pregnant. Then I realize what an amazing group of women we have here, and this board has become more than it's name....and how I've been the recipient (and I HOPE, giver) of such amazing support, I cannot leave.

You need to do what's best, and we'll be around if you need us. FWIW, I'd miss ya ;-)

oct11bride03 · April 2011

DavezWife:

I'll buy what your sellin. I get that. There's been times where I don't FEEL like a "success" b/c Ava was a fluke, and I'm sucking up staying pregnant. Then I realize what an amazing group of women we have here, and this board has become more than it's name....and how I've been the recipient (and I HOPE, giver) of such amazing support, I cannot leave.

You need to do what's best, and we'll be around if you need us. FWIW, I'd miss ya ;-)

Don't worry, I'm not going to stop posting here or anything. I'm just not around as much. I love you all too much to leave.

schmoodle · April 2011

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time and that being here is contributing. We're all here whenever you need/want us, but completely understand if it is too painful at times. I hope you can feel better soon, either from acceptance of your plans, or a change of heart by your H. Big hugs.

ShannonSky · April 2011

I wish I could offer something more than just *hugs*, but there they are.

armywife76 · April 2011

I get that. It's hard for many people for many different reasons. GL whatever you decide and know that we are here for you.

LucyPevensie · April 2011

My husband said all the same things. Verbatim. I was so upset at the thought of not even being able to TRY again (much less succeed!)

Now - he wants to try again. Something changed. I don't know if it's Jack being well over 2 - how he feels about him - something I said - I don't know. But we're TTC. And may even do another IUI cycle this summer.

So - hang in there. My husband kind of sucked in terms of helping with "the baby." But now that Jack is a genuine "little kid" and really not a baby at all anymore - he's interested in having another one. (And now if I'm totally being honest .. I am having second thoughts. I'm not sure if I'M ready - or will ever be. But I think I want to try anyway.)

I have no idea if we'll have another one. IVF is not an option for us due to the expense. Neither are several more IUI cycles. We can afford ONE. And if we are NOT successful - it may be that I find myself less and less involved here too. Many of the moms who were pregnant with me have another by now or are pregnant again right now too. It gives me LESS of a pang because we're actively TTC and I have that excitement/hope that comes with that. But if it does not happen for us due to our limited options - and my 40th birthday RAPIDLY approaching - I could see not being here as much either. I already feel I have less "in common" with the moms of younger babes - I can share my past experience and I like to - but I'm not experiencing all of that baby stuff "right now" so it's different.

So - on one hand I can one thousand percent relate to what you're saying - on the other hand - I want to say "hold on .. and see where DH is on the topic 6 months to a year from now." He may change his tune.

Hugs to you!!!

oct11bride03 · April 2011

LucyPevensie:

So - on one hand I can one thousand percent relate to what you're saying - on the other hand - I want to say "hold on .. and see where DH is on the topic 6 months to a year from now." He may change his tune.

Your story gives me some small sliver of hope that my husband will change his mind someday. We don't have time on our side, but I think I'll somehow be OK being one and done if we at least give it another try - i.e. I'm off BCP and we're crossing our fingers.

madhatter2003 · April 2011

oct11bride03:
LucyPevensie:

So - on one hand I can one thousand percent relate to what you're saying - on the other hand - I want to say "hold on .. and see where DH is on the topic 6 months to a year from now." He may change his tune.

Your story gives me some small sliver of hope that my husband will change his mind someday. We don't have time on our side, but I think I'll somehow be OK being one and done if we at least give it another try - i.e. I'm off BCP and we're crossing our fingers.

I'd give him time. I know it's not on your side, but your DD is young in the grand scheme of things. I agree that once they turn 2 it's completely different in terms of 'baby' vs 'big kid' from my experience. Maybe agree to revisit in 6 months and see how he feels then.

LucyPevensie · April 2011

I don't either (have time on my side) - I am going to be 40 on May 12 and sometimes I think I am just FOOLING myself thinking there's some chance I might have another baby. But then I look at my sister who just had a baby at 42 - unplanned - and I get hopeful - and then I remember he was her 7th (yes you read that right) and she has no fertility issues and I do - and then I get depressed again. ha!

But I REALLY hear you on the "just let me try." I was so upset at the thought of not even being able to try. I felt I could be more at peace with not having another child if at least I was given the chance to try. But to have someone else decide for me because they didn't even want to try felt very difficult and burdensome. And so I hope you too at least get the chance to TRY.

More hugs to you!! Hang in there. And see what happens in 6 months or so - I will be waiting to see what happens with you too!

Germanwife2b · April 2011

I have no idea if this will help things or not but here it is.

Patrick was a horrible baby. I mean, I am a mini baby expert and he was just probably the hardest baby I have ever dealt with. The colic and reflux were just awful. It scarred us about the newborn phase. So much in fact that DH said "one and done" and he was sticking with it. I always knew that I didn't want to just stop at one.

Fast forward to when Patrick turned two (March 2010). I casually told DH that I wanted him to start preparing his mind for the summer when I wanted to go back to the RE about #2. We had some deep conversations about what we both wanted out of life and for me, I needed/wanted another child. He had several months to wrap his brain around it and actually found that as Patrick got older and more independent and turned into this amazing toddler, that he could suck up the newborn phase for another one of these. He had time to turn his head in another direction.

We went back to the RE in July of last year and have struggled through until now where hopefully our TTC days are behind us (fingers crossed). So, perhaps in just a bit of time, DH will see the reality of a second child. But deep heart to hearts about what each of you wants in life is in order first.

I know how hard this is- I was there. But my whole life I have wanted to birth and raise babies. DH saw that in me I suppose... Good luck and I hope we still see you around!!!

njdcgirl · April 2011

Just another one chiming in to lend some sympathy. I am in a similar situation (kinda...) I'm terrified to try and get pg again b/c of what happened with Andrew, early birth, NICU, etc. I feel like we got so, so lucky and that I shouldn't tempt fate again. And that thought just leaves me so....empty. After so many years of TTC, to not be is weird.

Anyway, I know it is not the same situation, but I can relate to your feelings about the board. I haven't been posting as much lately either. I love all the ladies here, but the pangs of jealousy sneak up on me... ((HUGS))

desabean · April 2011

I can very much relate to this. My situation is slightly different but it is looking more and more like we are going to be one and done and it breaks my heart. It is really hard to be here sometimes and yet this is the most supportive place on earth for what I'm going through. Weird, conflicting feelings.

gennyplusbean · April 2011

I've been struggling lately with similar feelings. Treatment is just too expensive for us to go through again, so I we're done. I'm so very grateful to be able to experience being pregnant and raising my daughter, but I'm sad that I'll never be pregnant again.

I'm still having a hard time with other people getting pregnant easily and other IFers cycling for #2 or more. I had a very easy pregnancy and labor and when people ask me about it they almost always say that I must be built to have kids so I should have a bunch more. It kind of breaks my heart a little every time.

Anyway, you're not alone in your feelings. I wish they had a one and done board on here, too. Who can we contact about it?

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