They keep telling me "It was God's plan"

Bleeding_Heart · November 2008

This isn't a "I am angry with God post" nor is it an "Everything was done is God's timing" post. I already briefly posted my story, but these are the thoughts in my head now.

I haven't had the best relationship with God since about High School. I got married, and have been living a 'good life' with my husband for the last 2 1/2 years.

When I got pregnant, we weren't actively trying. My family called my pregnancy a gift. When we found out I was carrying twins, I was elated. Terrified, but also just so excited.

I started praying. Every night. I wanted God to watch over them, make sure they were growing properly, and even that I would be a good mother. I felt a little selfish, that I was praying only because I wanted something so badly.

When I went in at 11.5 weeks to check on some very light pinkish spotting, I was scared. However, I assumed they would roll their eyes at the nervous expectant mother and tell me not to get my panties in a bunch.

The last thing I expected was for them to tell me that I had lost them. I felt fine. I felt pregnant. How could they be gone?

I grieved for 24 hours. An emotional wreck-I know you know the feeling. Then my Doctor called giving me a stab at hope. Maybe they aren't gone, maybe you're simply developing behind.

I wanted, and yet did not want to believe him. How could they be gone one moment, then perhaps not, the next??? I wanted to pray, to believe that God could do anything, even bring my babies back. But if I believed too hard, then then pain would be that much harder if it weren't true!!

I decided not to tell anyone of the new news. I didn't want everyone to get their hopes up and then crush them moments later.

I went in for them to check my HCG levels, and 48 hours later another comparison blood draw accompaied by a u/s. The u/s still showed no heartbeat. They looked to be approximately 6 weeks along. He insisted until the last moment that miracles do happen.

But I didn't believe that they could happen to me.

When the blood tests came back. They confirmed it. Miracles do not happen to me.

This may be wrong, but I can almost understand where eveyone is coming from with the whole "Its God's plan" deal. If I had been trying to get pregnant, and they were justifying it by saying "You were trying to do this on your OWN time, not GOD's time"

But I was given the sweet rare gift of twins, only to have them taken away, dangled in front of my face again, and then taken away.

I don't understand the value of this "Lesson". I don't understand why I am being put through this. And I know its probably terrible, but if I get pregnant again, I want it to be twins. And I don't know if I'll ever have that again.

I feel dead inside, and everyone telling me that this is my path, that this is God's plan is not helping me make sense of things.

I should stop trying to justify it. This is an unjustifiable loss. And I am heartbroken.

kellygirl0515 · November 2008

((Hugs)) I can relate to your feelings 100%. I too am in the process of losing my twins. I found out on Fri they didn't grow. I am not sure how to move forward. I know grieving for everyone is different but I do know it's needed. Please take care of yourself and use everyone you need to around you to become stronger. It's a cruel world and nothing is fair. Kel

nancyandnate · November 2008

I have a hard time when people say that. ?I can believe God designed our bodies to recognize that a baby is not healthy enough to sustain a quality life, but I do not believe God decided to teach any of us a lesson by giving us babies and taking them away. ?

It seems like most of the things people say are designed to make themselves feel better. ?They want to make sense of it and feel that it doesn't hurt if it was meant to be. ?We'll all learn something from our losses and be changed by them, for sure. ?But I choose to believe in a God that is loving and protective.

I hope your days get easier and, if you can't make sense of it, at least you can find some peace.?

rose76 · November 2008

I am so sorry for your loss. We were not actively trying either, but that does not make it less painful....It just sucks. And it hurts. I have been through this 3 times and each time, I have gotten much stronger...I wish you and your husband all the best

Rose

3 m/c's

MrsA2Be · November 2008

I am so sorry. I don't have a lot to say about God's Plan - because I still don't understand any of it myself. But, I am sorry you are going through this - it is senseless and devastating and I hope that you come through this stronger. Hugs.

jeffrae · November 2008

I am very sorry -- I wish that people would keep their opinions like that to themselves and just be there, quietly with open arms, for you. My family is very christian -- and no one has said that to me. I am sorry you have to endure that.

Clery · November 2008

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how awful you feel. Having doubt in God and his plan is completely natural when you have experienced such a loss. When your ready I suggest reading "Why bad things happen to good people" I'm reading it now. It is a bit religious in some parts but it entertains the thought that God does not make the bad things happen to us nor can he change their outcome instead he is here for us as a source of strength, to help us heal when bad things do happen. I know how bitter you can get, I prayed so hard with my last loss in Sept that it would be viable and when it was not I felt let down like all my prayers were in vain. I lost my dad this year and two little babies. Why could'nt God just catch me a break? I just think it does not work that way. I still pray, that I have the strength to get up and get through my day and I do. I even have a had a few days in a row with no tears. I know how devasting this can be just know you will feel better, hard to imagine but it does happen. Hang in there. Hugs

Irishsapphire · November 2008

You are a child of God, and God loves you. ?Your mother conceived you and carried you through pregnancy. ?You made it through being an infant and a child, onto being a teenager and now an adult. ?Unfortunately, not every pregnancy is healthy. ?And unfortunately, not every infant grows up to be an adult. ?

I remember when I was going through my miscarriage in August, and there was a good series at my church about praying. ?When I was pregnant, I used to pray to God about having a healthy and happy child and that I wanted the child to serve God. ?When I had the miscarriage, I was really sad and disillusioned at first. ?But then I realized that it was not God's plan for this loss to happen, but God was there for me to get me through the loss. ?I learned to pray with more humility.

Do not worry about what other people say, they may not know what to say and they are human and can say sometimes the wrong thing, especially if they are trying to understand God's plan (I think human beings have been trying to understand God's plan for a long time). ?

?Take care of yourself. ?Take the time that you need to grieve. ?I used to cry when I saw a baby stroller. ?It does got better with time though. ?I am just dealing with things as they happen. ??

coolteacher79 · November 2008

I am very sorry for your loss.

I just gave birth to my son, Isaac, via c-section on October 7 (I was 36w2d), and he lived for 16 minutes. Today, actually is his due date.

I just finished reading a great book called "I'll Hold You in Heaven" by Jack Hayford. I strongly recommend it. It helps to make sense of some of the theological issues surrounding miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. He addresses the topic of God's plan head on, along with another infamous line of, "Well, your child was just too perfect for Earth and God needed him/her up with Him." Anyhow... it was a great read, very comforting...

samm1983 · November 2008

I don't think anyone understands this. After my first and my second miscarriages I felt that I was being punished for something. After my third I was just confused and angry. I don't understand why anyone has to go through so much pain. I am sorry for your losses.

TheEnglishgirl · November 2008

I am so sorry for your loss.

I struggle with this too, you aren't alone.

I wonder what the point of prayer is, as it doesn't change our outcome. All those people that prayed that our baby was ok, what for? We still lost our baby...?

KristysRedBarn · November 2008

I am so sorry. I understand a lot of what you are saying. God gave us the miracle of your little boy. Then we lost him. I don't believe it was God's plan, although we have been told that countless times as well. God is a loving God, who wants the best for his children, and the best does not include death. I believe God allowed us to loose Miller, but I don't think it was his plan for us. It helps me feel better to look at it that way.

Cow-girl · November 2008

I just went through a loss a week ago. It happened during the week that my church was having a missions kickoff celebration which I had to be at because I am our international missions leader. I got the news that my baby wasnt developing and had to return to church to help get things set up that same day. Talking to my pastor that day comforted me. He did not tell me that it was God's plan, he told me to lean on God for comfort. He said "Blessed are they that mourn, for they will be comforted".

I can tell you that losing my baby did not make me lose faith in God. It actually brought me closer to him because I leaned on him for comfort. I dont know how I would have gotten through this without my faith.

I think that when we are in the initial shock of losing our precious little baby, people say things that they think are comforting but in reality they are really hurtful. But in reality if you have a relationship with God you know that he has a plan for our lives, and that there are reasons he brings us to things in our life - for reasons we may never know.

I have been reading alot in the book of Job from the bible. Job was a perfect man, I am far from perfect, and he lost everything he had - his home, his family, his wealth, and he still kept praising God.

Bad things do happen to good people that we cannot explain. But please dont lose your faith in God. He will bring you through it if you just ask him.

Wishing you the best

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