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Attachment Parenting
Please weigh in -28mos of BFing+ work travel + weaning (looong)
Ironically this post is very similar to one of my first posts on this board a year ago so it should be easy to sort out my feelings but the parameters of the situation have changed.
Background: I left my 16mo DD last year to travel to Hong Kong for business. I had about 200oz of BM frozen and pumped the entire trip. CM wasn't an option due to her dairy allergy. The pumping really sucked but I wanted to continue BFing and when I came back we resumed BFing without skipping a beat.
Current: My DD will be 28.5 mos at the end of May and we still nurse at bedtime during the week and twice on weekends. I have an awesome opportunity to go to Bangkok and perhaps Japan or HK again. I really don't want to pump again. I pumped at work for 23mos, would need to buy a new pump, and think it would be useless because I barely have any milk left.
Concerns/Thoughts (warning there are a lot of them)
*DD doesn't seem ready to be done
*I wouldn't wean now if the trip didn't exist
*If DD stopped nursing now on her terms I would be ready
*Skipping the trip would be a bad career choice
*As an employee and individual I would like to go
*This age will be harder for DH to handle but he's up for it
*DD will have a harder time with me gone at this age and we are dealing w/ another round of separation anxiety. Ex. When she wakes up she freaks out if DH gets her and cries for me until he brings her to me, I get out of the shower, or I go get her.
*DD goes to bed w/out nursing w/out problems for MIL and for her naps at school but if I'm around it doesn't happen.
*The guilt, oh the fricken guilt. I know 28mos is "long enough" but I feel pretty strongly about child led weaning. That being said I would stop at 3 in January of next year if she wasn't done.
*I want to have or be close to having another baby by this time next year so I don't think I would have the opportunity to go on this trip for the next 2 years.
* I'd like to eat a pizza. It sounds lame but my diet has been restricted for 26mos and I'm a food person.
*I could start weaning before the trip, and would probably need to do that around May 1st. Only 2 more weeks of nursing makes me want to cry...:-(
*I could nurse until I leave and end things peacefully. Although who knows how she will respond after more than a night w/out me. What would be peaceful for me could be hell for DH.
*The longest we have gone without nursing in recent months was about 40 hours (she skipped a session and was w/ her grandparents) and was fine until we got home and she saw her nursing pillow.
* I try to explain to DD that someday when she gets bigger she and mama will "cuddle w/out milk". She repeats "Cuddle without milk!" I ask if she wants to cuddle without milk and she say "No!" laughs and then says "Mama's milk!" and laughs again as if it is a big joke.
If you made it this far thanks. I'm just so torn about this. Flights are being booked in the next week. I had really hoped she would have self weaned by now but here we are. I have to decide how I'm going to handle this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please weigh in -28mos of BFing+ work travel + weaning (looong)
How long is your trip? I've gone up to a week without nursing DS or pumping (I was on a business trip and brought my pump but was too lazy to use it) and he picked up nursing right where we left off when I got home and I still had plenty of milk. This was last summer when he was 22 months so my supply was obviously well established.
In your shoes I would probably still buy a cheap manual pump in case you are uncomfortable, but you may not need to pump and chances are your DD will still be able to get milk when you get back.
I'd go. I'd not bring the pump. This is what made me think "she's ready" DD goes to bed w/out nursing w/out problems for MIL and for her naps at school but if I'm around it doesn't happen.
Goooo. Enjoy. Thrive in your career. You have sacrificed sooo much. ENjoy some food. Enjoy some MILK. ENJOY SOME CHEEEEEESE.
Congrats on making it this far. She'll be fine.
lol you are like the little cheese devil on my right shoulder Lanie :-)
And I do have a manual pump and could barely get a few oz out last year when my supply was still rocking.
I guess we could resume when I get back but that may very well mean needing to go through the whole process again and I don't think I could go through that twice with one kid.
I agree w/pp to maybe get a pump to maintain supply, not so much to leave behind the BM (since it doesn't seem that is the reason for nursing anymore.) It sounds to me that you really want to go on the trip, but that you aren't ready to stop nursing.
Thanks for this. The trip would be about 5 or 6 days. I guess I could be "good" in terms of food while I'm gone in case we decide to continue when I get back.
Right now I'm visualizing myself crying in the airport terminal while inhaling bars of Dove chocolate. Maybe that is a bit dramatic :-) Although, I did have a melt down in the airport in Taiwan last year minus the chocolate.
It sounds like an amazing opportunity, I think you should definitely go.
Seems a little silly to buy a pump just for the trip, can you rent a hospital one for the week? You may never use it. Since you have gone up to 40 hours w/o nursing before, wait and see how she does the first 2 days without you. If she is having no problems, you 'wasted' the money to rent the pump and you can go out and enjoy some much deserved pizza and ice cream. If she's having a harder time, you might want to pump just to keep up your supply for when you get home.
ETA: I would also hide the nursing pillow so she doesn't see it when you get home. If that's what triggered it last time, eliminate that visual cue this time around.
I think Moms are allowed to be dramatic especially when nursing hormones are involved.
In the end I think it really comes down to what you want. You could use this as a weaning opportunity (and for the record I think wanting pizza is a totally valid reason), but you don't have to. There is every chance she'll pick up where you left off if that's what you want. Best of luck making the decision. As you read, I'm having a hard time with my own weaning decision right now!
I just realized my last reply was kinda curt... (I was 1ht with DS on my other arm).
I think some of the points the others made are really great. In particular the checking how she is doing a couple of days in, and the idea that you can pick up or not when you get home, based on how you both feel (*if that is your decision.)
I also think that pizza or chocolate are valid reasons for being done at this stage... (says the girl on day 5 of no dairy...lol). DS and I will nurse as long as it is mutually agreeable. Right now it is way better for me to restrict my diet than try to put him on some formula that works. Once the majority of his calories are coming from somewhere else things will likely be very different.
Kudos to you for making it to this point momma!
Just lurking here, but I thought I would respond because I faced a similar situation with my youngest, who is now 6 and in kindergarten. Many of the considerations in your list of concerns/thoughts were the same ones I had. Maybe my story will help you anticipate what the long view would be.
To be clear, I did not do AP, although I agree with many of its principles. So, if you're a die-hard AP practitioner, you may want to take my story with a grain of salt.
I BF both of my kids until just about a year. With DD, I worked part time (teaching) and pumped; a gigantic-but-worth-it hassle, as you state in your OP. She weaned herself just a few weeks before her first birthday. I remember nursing her on the last day and realizing that it was the last day. The next day, when I was rocking her before nap with her sippy cup of milk, I remember thinking "Yep -- this is exactly the right time."
When DS came along, I left my teaching job and began tutoring on an even more p/t basis. When he was about 11 months old, he was down to nursing once a day in the morning. DH and I had a chance to go on vacation just the two of us for a week. This was our 2nd child, and we'd barely been away for an overnight for the past 5 years, let alone an entire week! We badly needed the time for the two of us.
I did not have the "it's time to stop" feeling, but... he was down to once a day. I knew that pumping to keep the "supply" going once a day was absurd. I really didn't want to stop, but I felt it was ridiculous to not go on vacation because DS "needed" to nurse once a day.
I stopped nursing about 2 weeks before vacation, and he didn't even notice. I went on vacation, and everything was -- of course -- fine. I sometimes think about it and wonder how long he would have continued to nurse once a day if I hadn't stopped. Was it really him who "wasn't ready" or was it me? Do I wish I could have nursed him until I got that "it's time" feeling? Sure. Do I have great memories of a fantastic week with DH? Absolutely.
Over the years, I've come to realize that my desire to nurse him until I had the "it's time" feeling was more about what I felt I "should do" than about what was really best for DS. Your reasons for going on the trip are biggies -- especially because it's a work trip. Your reasons for not weaning are all going to have to be faced at some time: now, if you go on the trip... or sometime between now and January, if you decide not to. Ultimately, you just have to make the call and embrace your decision. Your DD will be fine either way. Don't spend time worrying about it once you decide. You're a thoughtful mom, and you'll make the best decision for both of you, even if it's not what you'd "rather" do.
GL!
Thanks so much for sharing. Especially this last part.
I don't have any advice, just sympathy that this is a hard decision to make. And the part I quoted, specifically, is the hardest issue at all to get through, no matter what, if you've had this idea in your mind that you would let your child lead the weaning process. I still feel regret sometimes that I didn't let DD wean herself when that was the plan I originally had in mind. Our non-nursing relationship is awesome and there are so many reasons I am glad DD isn't nursing anymore, but I just feel like I failed myself by not following through on this idea I had initially felt very strongly about.
I was waiting for you to respond Anna. Thank you. And yes part of the problem is that I have a very hard time "quitting" anything where as others can look at similar situations and say they are moving on.
But don't sit there and say you failed. You rocked at nursing until +2, you conquered weaning, and you lived to tell about it :-)
Just reading this made me teary eyed :-) I am still way to emotional about BF to give an objective answer, but I was happy and surprised about the poster who managed to pick up BF after a full week away. Your situation is me in the future, I was just thinking that our upcoming conference trip will be the last one where we can actually bring DD without the grandmother or a nanny in tow. And the best solution in the future is to go without DD so I am just bracing myself for these kind of decisions.
I think it sounds like you should try to bring a pump, but not make a big deal about it. When you get back you will quickly find if DD wants to nurse again, which I am sure she will. I have similar experiences at the moment that DD will be just fine with an occasional bottle when I am away but as soon as she sees me she goes 'mahmahmah' and starts fussing until she gets milk. I am sure your DH will be fine with her, great that he is so supportive. Good luck with it!
I agree. You've done an amazing thing. I don't love anyone enough to give up cheese for over 2 years...not even my baby.
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
28 months is a looooong time. Congrats on going strong that long!
My guess is when you aren't there and DH will create his own routine and she won't even miss nursing. Actually, it might be easiest this way (it isn't like you are denying her, which can lead to toddler hurt feelings) you won't be there as an option.
She will be fine!!! Enjoy your trip
I agree with all of this! You have done an amazing thing for your DD, and I think your DH and DD will be fine, and have a great time together. This will be a great way for them to bond even more.
You've already received a ton of good advice, but I just want to say don't worry about starting now. Maybe see how things are nursing wise right before you go (she may have stopped herself or cut back a lot very quickly, Ari has done that recently), & if you feel like she may want to pick up again when you return, get a manual pump if it makes you feel more comfortable. Don't worry about how much you're pumping, it's just there to give your body the "make milk" signal.
GL mama. You've done a wonderful job.
It's an awesome opportunity and you'd be crazy to not go. Yeah, there will be guilt. But even without BFing, you'd likely have guilt at leaving your kid for a week. That's just how it goes. I still think you should do it. I would and mine's only 17mo.
I would take a manual pump though. Not for keeping up supply, but in case you start to hurt. And because nothing ruins a trip faster than mastitis.
Now matter what you do remember this, your milk will not stop within a week. DS self weaned a little over 2 months ago and I still have milk in my bras. It is possible that she develops a routine with your DH and when you return she latches on and wants to nurse.
You have made it so far, your an awesome mama:)
Again, there are plenty of awesome replies above, but thought I'd throw in my two, fresh wonderful nursing relationship, cents. It sounds like, at this point, its not as much about the milk itself as the act of nursing. IMO, she will be just fine with Daddy. Take a pump to releive engorgement but if you come back and don't have milk who says your nursing relationship is over? I don't want to sound strange, but if there are two year olds that walk around with pacis, I see no reason a BFed child can't do the same, just with mom. Maybe you will come back milk free, but then you could then have your pizza and nurse her too. Currently NAK with an active eater if this doesn't make much sense...
My DD weaned in similar circumstances.
I went on a trip for 6 days. I pumped just once a day while I was gone (she was only nursing 1-2 times a day at home).
I decided that if she didn't ask when I got home, we would be done. And she didn't ask.
The crappy thing is that my last "nursing relationship" with my DD was with a breast pump in a hotel room.
late to the thread, but just wanted to say ((hugs))!
sprout is cow'smilkfree too, but i'm phasing out pumping now. i get all weepy about really ending nursing.
it sounds like H will do fine while you're gone, particularly since she goes to sleep without nursing when you aren't around. then whatever happens with her interest when you're back will work itself out. you two have rocked this nursing thing!