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Help me come to grips with unsupervised visits!!
This is the hardest part for me, and almost makes me want to go back just so I don't have to go through this part of being separated....
DH hasnt done anything wrong to require supervised visits, but since we've been separated I've only let him see DD when I'm present. Now he's asking me to let him take her for the day (Saturday) and I've been putting him off. I've seen an attorney and she says to basically appease him and she thinks he will eventually go away (not sure how much I believe this). I wanted to get a legal custody agreement between the 2 of us, but she thought that doing that now would only piss him off and he would fight me for more visitation than what he's currently asking just because he's an ass like that (now this I DO think will happen).
So, my problem is... DH has every right to take DD for the afternoon but I just cant help but be sad/upset about this. What can I tell myself that will make it a little easier?
Background: I left DH b/c he is chronically under/unemployed, smokes pot (though now says he's clean and has found Jesus), and was a pretty lousy parent since she was born. DD is 3 months old.
ETA: I created an AE, b/c I'm just not comfortable using my "real" SN.
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Re: Help me come to grips with unsupervised visits!!
I'm no lawyer, but I don't understand the advice that she is giving you (maybe BGG can chime in here). I don't think doing things simply to appease him versus getting a CO for legal custody and visitation is the correct way to do things.
It's understandable to be worried about him taking her, especially if he's used drugs in the past. If you feel that strongly about it I'm not sure why you wouldn't get it in writing and at least try to have supervised visits, or visits where he doesn't drive her. If you are just being overly cautious I understand that too, however, at some point in time you will have to let him take her (provided he's clean and there's no reason not to other than simply that you are worried).
The attorney thinks that doing anything "legal" would only make him angry and in return he would fight me much harder for his custody rights than he is right now. Right now he seems satisfied just visiting with her for an hour 1 day on the weekend. (Except, now he IS asking for a whole day). She seemed to think that for our current situation he would be able to take her for at least 1 whole day, if not the whole weekend.
I think that is way too much time for him to have her obviously. I can't even come to terms with him taking her for an afternoon
I honestly don't think he would hurt her in any way, but the fact that he hasn't really been a parent to her (never gave her a bath, quit changing her diapers, the worst thing he did was yell in her face to shut up once before, but it's my word against his) still makes me afraid for him to take her.
Well when does she think you should get it all in a CO?
We all deal with "pisssing off the exes". Most of these dudes throw a temper tantrum when they don't get their way. I just don't understand her reasoning behind "catering" to him and not poking the bear, so to speak.
Thing about not poking the bear...this was my strategy...is it does work.
My ex wanted visitation b/c it was "owed" to him. He wanted everything that was rightfully his. He didn't actually want to see the children. He passed them off as fast as he could. He wanted to take them away from me.
Eventually, the novelty wears off. Especally, when you are sweet as pie and he's not getting (to see) the reaction he wants from you. He then realizes this isn't the manipulation he wants to use to control you b/c he actually has to do something. He has to show up to pu/do. He has to entertain children to hours if not whole weekends when he could be partying, or sleeping or playing video games or looking at porn.
Then he realizes it becomes a chore. The next thing that happens is its suddenly inconveinent to have the kids for the weekend...so he backs it down to a couple hours on a Sunday...but then he realizes he's nursing a hangover on sunday so then he backs it down to a couple hours once a month.
Eventually, he just goes away. B/c his life is more important. Maybe he gets a GF and its way more important to start the control and manipulation game w/ her.
My ex went away. He has not seen or contacted me or the children in years. I've only seen him at CS court. He never ever says anything about not seeing the children or anything. He likes his life better his way w/ no active involvement.
If you lawyer thinks this way is a better avenue, it's okay. It has worked.
Sweetie... that is definitely my attorney's reasoning. I can see it happening, but not as far as your situation is. I think he'll always want to be a part of her life but he'll get tired of it eventually and maybe be satisfied only seeing her once a week or even once a month.
I'm going to see another attorney next week and get his opinion, but since I'm fairly confident of his reaction if I do come after him with legal papers I'm thinking this way is better (for now).
---- About him being able to take her and not bring her back... I KNOW, and that scares the crap out of me. I really dont think he would do this (because I think he doesnt really want her anyway) but it still could happen and scares me. Which brings me back to the whole reason of why I went to the attorney in the first place (to get a legal custody agreement). I'm kind of stuck!!
My ex played those same games with me early on. Because I was terrified he'd flee with the girls, or not hand them back over (as a means to hurt me, not because he actually wanted them), I did file for a temporary court order during our separation. He responded through his lawyer that he wanted full custody. Because I knew he really didn't want the girls, I knew I'd end up getting majority custody. He spent that first year very rarely getting them. He has gotten better, and usually gets them once a week.
This is what I'm afraid of. When he said he wanted full custody how did you end up getting full custody instead?? I'm afraid if my situation went this way we'd end up with joint custody and he would get her 1 week, I'd get her the next - I would go insane if that happened.
I'm going to chime in because my exH was the same as Sweetie. We did temporary orders to protect me, and then I just dealt with his "Pop and fizzle" as my lawyer called it - wanting 50/50 and then fizzling out to no shows and barely coming at all for almost TWO years.
I documented, documented, documented and then when enough was enough and he'd shown his true colors (how NOT fun it is to care for a 18 mo. old) I took him to court for final orders and ended up with his visitation being E/O sat 10-6 and e/o holiday 10-8. He hasn't come at all in over a year.
If I'd fought him at the beginning I have no idea where we'd be.
Yes, make sure to document. He asked for full, then I said supervised. He asked for 50%, and I said standard visitation - and this is what it ended up being. Or at least on paper.