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Babies: 6 - 9 Months
kehgirl
member
I feel like less of a mother. I was robbed. Sort of a FFFC
kehgirl
member
Ok here it is. I'm pissed.
I don't know who to be pissed towards but I put it all on my OB/GYN. Some of you were around on the day that it happened, but at 35 weeks pregnant while bumping I started bleeding massive amounts and rushed to the hospital. Within 5 minutes they had the anesthesiologist and doctors surrounding me and told me they had to get LO out right now . No time for a spinal, they had to put me under and take her out. The last thing I remembered as I was being put to sleep were tears streaming down my face because it was happening too fast and I was so overwhelmed. My baby almost died. I could've died. DH had no idea what was happening as he got to the hospital they were rushing me into the OR. Results showed that I had severe pre-e, a complete placental abruption and cord wrapped around LO's neck. I spent the forst 24 hours on magnesium and under high supervision and I couldn't even see my blue tinted beautiful baby girl. And the weeks following she was in the NICU.
I feel robbed. I feel like its somebody's fault that I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't get to see my baby come out, I was asleep. I didn't get to hold her. I don't feel like I "gave birth". I feel like less of a mother because of this.
I am so grateful that they did what they had to do and I would not have wanted them to do anything different but I feel like the reason it got to that point is somebody's fault. She should've known. SHE is the doctor. She should have known something was not right.
Another confession. I'm STILL pissed at MIL. Can you believe when she called DH to come with her family and see the baby he tried to explain my condition and that I wasn't ready for visitors and she said "We don't care about that we just want to see the baby." WTF.
F you all. Not you bumpies, but those people in my story LOL. A big F YOU.
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Re: I feel like less of a mother. I was robbed. Sort of a FFFC
I would have told her to fvck off and she'll never see the baby with that attitude. What a cvnt! (Yup I said it!)
I'm sorry you had such a negative experience. That sounds so scary and I think I'd feel the same way if I'd been in that situation.
Bar tab = $156,000, Bus to Foxwoods = $0, Puking in the Stanley Cup = Priceless
Awww, I'm sorry. I would be upset too. Have you asked your OB why she didn't know?
And for your MIL, I would have called her and told her "Fvck no you can't see the baby. You'll have to wait until I'm ready too."
I am really sorry that happened to you honey. And I agree with you. The doctor should have known SOMETHING was up. I am assuming you didn't know about the Pre-E? That was something they were CONSTANTLY testing me for (and I ended up with mild Pre-E at 38 weeks).
Again, I am really sorry. And I will add your MIL to my Hit List of the Day if you want? lol
I think you are being way too hard on everyone involved in this. Other than you MIL - that was a total b!tch move.
There are no signs for placenta abruption. You can't treat it, and you can't prevent it. There is no way to know who is going to deal with it and who won't. My sister had a comlete abruption with her second at 30 weeks so I have learned a lot about it due to her situation (and talking with my MFM to make sure I wouldn't be at a higher risk).
I'm sorry you feel this way but it seems a bit extreme. I could understand feeling this way if you were coerced into a c-section for no reason.
But, a c-section saved you and your baby. I don't see why anyone would have ill feelings towards something that saved lives.
Is it what you imagine when you thought about your birth? Obviously not. But, healthy baby and healthy mom are the most important thing when in an emergency situation.
I was put under general for Kate?s birth due to health issues on my part. I would have loved to see her right away but, I am glad I am healthy and able to actively parent. Waiting to see her was worth minimizing the risk of having lifelong health conditions that would drastically impact my involvement in her life.
You're MIL is a giant ass.
But things that are in the past and out of our control (like a c-section, I had one too) we just have to let go and think positive. I was really bothered by mine for a while because it caused a lot of issues afterward but it was for the best. You aren't less of a mother or a woman.
I totally understand, my experience wasn't even close to being as bad but I understand the anger towards the OB. I had to be rushed to the ER and deliver at 36wks because I had a swollen and bruised liver due to a severe type of pre-e called HELP syndrome.
I practically begged the OB to help me just the week before because I was so sick and KNEW something was wrong. It was obvious just by looking at me that there was something going on because my swelling was so bad in my hands and feet/face that I could barely walk. My husband and I named my ankles "thankles" because they were beyond cankles!!
Anyways, I cried in her office because the severe itching I was having which is a symptom of a sick liver and she just blew off EVERYTHING I told her. This had been going on for several months btw. I still to this very day want to call her and tell her she's and idiot.
I'm sorry that was your birth experience, I too was on magnesium for 2 days in the hospital for 4 and don't remember much. I think your anger and disappointment is normal and it's sad. I'm sure it will get better after a while but maybe you should say something to them and see if it makes you feel any better.
Your MIL sounds like an idiot.
I am so sorry you had to go through this.
My baby almost died too. I ended up with an Emergency C section as well and was not able to see my baby unitl he was 17 hours old. My circumstances were a little different, as I was induced but the complications were severe and my LO was critical.
I dont know who to blame either. It is so tough. Sometimes I just end up blaming myself...most of the time. I didnt hold him until he was five days old and he ended up in the NICU for 17 days.
I get so jealous when I see pics of people holding thier baby right after delivery, nice and cozy in thier hospital beds. The first time I held my son, I had to make sure I didnt knock his chest tube out, pull his PICC line out, or move his CPAP out of his nose. I had to make sure his heart rate stayed up, his breating rate stayed down, his oxygen level was was above 88% or else bells would start dinging.
I read some of the responses to your OP and for the people who pretty much said, you are being too hard or overreacting. They have NO idea what its like and hopefully they never will. Everyone deals with these things in a different way. I try to carry on and just be thankful that my son is here and healthy and alive but its not hard to get bitter or sad or feel robbed every once in a while.
Our LO's are about a week and a half apart. Most people probably think...its been six months, get over it. But trust me sweetie, I know that its just not that easy and that we all have good and bad days.
You can PM me if you need to. Sometimes its nice to talk to others who have had a similar situation.
ugh, this made me sad & angry for you. And to your MIL, yeah I would tell her to go fvck off.
I dont even like you and I want to hug you right now.
I had some blood testing recently and they found the Factor V and MTHFR mutations. I'm sure my OB doesn't routinely check for these but in order to investigate further and figure out why it happened to me she ran these genetic tests. Now I don't know how much stock I put in her ideas but she thought I passed a clot to the placenta causing it to abrupt.
She may or may not deserve to be blamed, but that is what I confess. Rational or not.
And I stated that I'm so glad the doctors did what had to be done to save my daughter's life. But it was traumatizing for me. I remember you talking about your situation on the Tri boards and I would've much rather had a little notice and time to fully understand what was wrong before being put under and sliced open.
I think a lot of us end up not getting the birth experience that we had planned all along and it's going to bother us no matter what. It definitely doesn't make you less of a mother.
I also feel like I was robbed of the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. My son was born early and there are a ton of things I feel I missed out on. I too didn't get to hold my baby right away, it was a full day before I got a quick hold.
It definitely sucks not getting the experience you assumed you would have, unfortunately we can't change anything and you have to try and find the positives, easier said than done.
Being too hard on yourself and overreacting are two completely different things.
And no one has told her she is overreacting.
I simply pointed out that you can't know if/ when an abruption is going to happen - that what happened was 100% out of her control (and the control of her OB) and that beating herself up about it (or trying to blame a doctor) isn't going to change the situation.
It sucks - and is sad - to not get the birth you imagined due to health concerns. It happened to me and I watched it happen to my sister twice.
But, beating yourself up about isn't going to do anything but make you feel worse. All you can do is accept that it wasn?t what you wanted, embrace the birth you had, and move forward.
A friend of mine who always had low blood pressure went from suddenly pre-eclamptic to having seizures because of full blown eclampsia within 2 days. Her baby was delivered at 28 weeks on April 1 and weighed 1 lb 2 oz.
I can't imagine how frustrated you must be. I had to have an emergency C/S too when I wanted to have a natural birth, and for awhile I didn't feel like an actual mother since it took all of 5 minutes for the doc (who was making small talk/flirting with my nurse) to get my DS out of me. But I was at least SOMEWHAT aware of what was going on. My advice would be to speak to your OB/GYN about it. He/she might be able to put you in touch with a support group.
T&Ps.
Thank you. I'm going to send you a PM
I talk to DH sometimes.. but he blames the OB more than I do LOL so he's not very objective!
See, I told my OB and showed her my swelling and I think that she brushed it off because I didn't fit into her "box" or idea of who is higher risk. I was a young, healthy, first timer with no indications of prior concerns so I think she moved me off the radar and assumed it would be an easy pregnancy.
The blood clot idea actually make sense. My sister was tested for blood disorders as well after her abruption.
I really do feel for all of your NICU mommas - while I don't understand the emotions, I witnessed my sister have both of her children in the NICU and I could tell it was very, very hard on her and her husband.
And agree - while I only had 24 hours to come to terms with the fact that I would be under general - it was more than you had and it really did help me cope. I was a mess when I first found out and can't imagine having to go straight to the OR right after I got that call.
I really hope you do sort through all of this - and I wasn't trying to dismiss your feelings or be insensitive in my first response. Just trying to point out that nothing you (and most likely your OB) did caused you to be in this situation.
Sadly, Dr's are only human and can't be perfect.
But I don't blame you for having strong emotions about things going the way they did.
When all is said and done, I'm glad you and LO are both ok!
Thank you. I know I wont be allowed to do natural birth and I'm ok with that. Actually I probably wont have any more kids because of my experience. I'm counting my blessings. I would've taken a regular c-sec over anesthesia though because at least you can see the baby. I don't even know what a newborn looks like. And that's not something I thought I would be able to say after having my own kid! LOL
Your post makes me want to cry! How horrible for you but this does not make you less of a mom - you are a mom.
I started bawling while pushing because the substitute OB (mine was not on call that day) was pushing for a C-section and didn't want to let me try to keep pushing even there was no reason for an intervention. Luckily I had a very tough RN in there who saved the day and kind of just pushed him out of the way and went to get a different OB.
100% this.
I hope you're able to work through this and come to terms with the birth experience that you had. It's not healthy to place blame on people like that, especially when it isnt deserved. Pre-E can come on FAST and with no warning. I had pretty bad edema the last 3 months, but my blood pressure and urine proteins were absolutely perfect my entire pregnancy...until my appointment at 39 weeks when I ended up being sent directly to the hospital to have a c-section because my BP had gone up so much. Granted, I was able to have a spinal and I already knew I'd be having a c-section (breech baby), but it was still quite jarring to have been perfectly healthy my entire pregnancy and then to all of a sudden have that happen.
Good luck working through it, your daughter is here and healthy, and that's what ultimately matters!
OMG This is terrible. I cannot imagine! My heart goes out for your Brother and SIL. I know that was traumatic for them. My DH is still traumatized from seeing me laying in a pool of blood at the hospital. Luckily I was AT the hospital but seeing loved ones in those conditions is really scary. Big hugs to your family from us!
One person said she was being a bit extreme...excuse me...I used the word "overreacting" instead. And I never said that people DIDNT have similiar experiences. I said that people who say that she is "overreacting" or I guess, being a bit extreme, have no idea what its like. You cant convince me otherwise.. If they had a similar experience, I do not believe they would say she is "being a bit extreme." Even if someone did have a similar experience and reacted the complete opposite, I dont see how anyone could call this extreme. Also, I said I read SOME of the posts, not all.
Thanks. Hopefully the blood tests help your sister too.
You are definitely no less of a mother! You did what was best for that sweet girl and that makes you a great mom! I understand the need to blame. I was induced for severe pre E, and looking back I see so much that the doctors could have done different that I blame the craptastic Army woman's clinic for my horrible experience. Maybe I am less of a mother because when Max finally came out, I couldn't/didn't really want to hold him. I just wanted all of the misery to go away and in a way I think I associated him with all of the complications. I am ashamed to admit that.
Oh and your MIL is a dumb biitch and you better believe I would still be holding a grudge!
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and that your birth experience was not what you had hoped for.
Please don't think you are less of a mother because of how you delivered. I had a med-free, midwife, birth-center delivery planned and that all got thrown out the window in less than 15 minutes during a routine U/S. We were told by the MFM to go to the hospital immediately for delivery and while my OB checked everything out first, he ended up agreeing with the MFM and I had a c-section an hour later. I was just so shocked that it was all of the sudden a huge emergency when we had just seen the MFM the week before.
I was so upset but at the same time I would have done whatever it took to ensure the twins were safe and healthy. My experience isn't quite on the same level as yours but I understand the disappointment.
Oh, and I would have told MIL to pound sand.
You said "I'm sorry you feel this way but it seems a bit extreme." and that she was being too hard on everyone involved. I just took that directly from your post. I also said "people who pretty much said...." I did not quote anyone directly. So you obviously thought I was talking about you for a reason, right?
Yea, I've gotten this far and while your OB may have saved your baby in the end, I think I'd be looking for a new one next time around.
I had dizzy spells (not uncommon due to another condition I have), but my midwife took those very seriously and brought me in and tested me regularly whenever I even mentioned them. My BP is low to begin with so all of that needs to be taken into consideration.
Your feelings are completely understandable, IMO. Even the desire to blame is pretty natural. Blame, in a way, makes something more understandable and less overwhelming. Does that make sense? I often wonder if something I did caused my LO to come early. In some ways, even blaming myself is less scary than thinking that scary stuff can happen for no reason with no way to prevent it. It's hard to know, looking back, whether your Dr. could have done anything to prevent this, but I think it's normal to want to "know" who is responsible.
I don't think that made sense. Anyway, I think your feelings are very normal and I'm so sorry for your traumatic experience.
It is totally normal to want someone, something, anything, to blame when we go through a trauma. It doesn't mean it is rational or logical, it just is. I didn't experience what you did but have been through a traumatic event so I truly understand where you are coming from. I really think it would help you to talk to someone. I don't think counseling is the answer for everyone or everything, but I really think it would help you work through these feelings. You don't just stop feeling a certain way or deal with them, you FEEL what you need to feel and learn to accept those feelings which in turn will help you move on. I hope that last line makes sense. Really, go talk to someone.
Its one of the 7 stages, right? LOL Thank you.
Don't be ashamed at all. You can put it in this thread. No judging. There are a lot of ladies in here who are being very supportive and know where our anger and resentment comes from and understand that it can be misplaced but is totally natural.
My BFF has a double MTHFR mutation and she and her baby almost died at 32 weeks. The mutation was also unknown and she was rushed in for an emergency c-section under general anesthesia. Her baby was only 2 lbs at 32 weeks and spent over a month in the NICU.
Her placenta was tested because it was basically entirely clots when they took it out. Her doctor said she's never seen anything like it before.
And i know she struggled with the same emotions you are having right now. It's almost like grieving the birth experience you expected. Also, she talked about going through a depression about not being able to be the one who cared for her baby at first because she was in the NICU. She didn't get to hold her for almost a week after and she felt completely disconnected as a mother.
I think your feelings are entirely valid. I do think you should go talk to someone though, so they can help you process what you're going through. It's not easy to fear your and your baby's lives, go through a traumatic surgery and hospital stay.
I'll admit I didn't read all of the responses, but I really think what you're going through is normal for many mothers! Good luck and I hope you feel better soon
I can relate to this. It was tough not being in the position to care for LO the first few days. And when I was well enough to go to the NICU, the nurses there didn't seem to understand how fragile my heart was. I didn't know anything about the NICU process and one nurse brought me to tears when I messed up her feeding schedule. And when I wanted to breastfeed, they didn't seem to care that I didn't know how to do it and got mad when it took too long the first time. The head nurse came in and basically shoved my baby on my breast and LO and I were both crying. It made me scared to even try again. So I just let LO eat formula in the NICU and followed their rules but it definitely made me feel less connected not getting that one on one bonding time with LO.
Plus as PP said I was worried about pulling a wire or IV out the whole time and had to watch her through a glass box.
Thank you for your response. I feel better talking about it now. I held it in for so long, ya know? Your friend is lucky to have you to lend an ear.
Thanks sweet lady!