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If you left home, then moved back...
I need your advice. Yep, DS is moving back in....already. Here is my confession: I got quite used to the quiet, drama free home we have here. It has been a peaceful 2 months. And here we go again. Urrgh. I love my son, and would never deny him anything he needs. So, DH and I were talking, and I think we need some rules. Before he moved out, DD was waking in the middle of the night every stinking night because DS was up all night, and quite noisy.
We are thinking about making up a "lease agreement". He will have the basement as his lair, in return, he pays $100/mo (quite a bargain IMO) to cover the cost of his electric, gas, water use and use of the washer/dryer. All of this money will go into an account for him for later use (he won't know that, though). We will draft house rules. We are thinking: Must either be in school full time, or maintain 40 hours a week at work, keep his living area clean, be willing to help maintain the yard areas, take out the trash, do all of his laundry weekly, provide his own snacks and food items that go above and beyond any normal household grocery runs, pay for auto insurance and cell phone (which he is already paying), tell someone when he is not going to be home by 1 am. Quiet hours after 11 pm. No running in and out of the house all night long.
WDYT? Am I being the impossible Mom? I think we need rules, and they need to be in writing this time. Is there a backup plan? Oh yeah. He can go stay in Arkansas with his Dad, or he can get another place on his own if he can't live by our house rules. I just can't have the chaos in here anymore. Should I add or omit anything on this plan?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you left home, then moved back...
Becky--you are awesome!
First, those rules/"rent" are nothing but fair. My in laws have enabled all of their children except DH. They are all irresponsible losers. (that might sound harsh but boy could I share stories with all of you) My BIL still lives at home for free--they even pay his car payments and car insurance. The guy is 23 years old!
I think everything you listed is fair and hopefuly your DS will recognize it as that.
I think it's justified and very reasonable. Quite a bargain, like you said. The only thing I might change is the phone call by 1am. He's lived on his own and tasted that freedom. If you implement the rest of the rules you are proposing and he agrees and follows them, I think I'd omit that one.
I hope this works out for you!
You are one level headed Mama!
Heck yeah, he got a great deal. 100 bones? Awesome!
I WISH so bad my mom would read this. My brother is twenty freakin five and still lives at home, works 17 hours a week and owes everyone money. He also doesn't pay any of his bills, literally, just doesn't open them And NEVER answers the phone or calls anyone back. Oh and my mom pays his phone.
My mom and I cannot talk about it anymore because we diagree so much. She said, and I quote, "some people just take longer to mature." grrrr...
I digress.... you did everything right, IMO. Hope it works out for you guys!
I understand your point Tosha, but I know if I had a son living with me I wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew whether to expect him home or not. I know my mom gets up ALL the time to check to see if my brothers car is there because she can't sleep when she doesn't know where he is.
If he refuses, sign me up! I'd kill to have my own "lair" at that price.
It sounds fair and reasonable to me. I can't wait to hear the whole story next time I see you.
True, Mel. I remember my own parents saying that very thing when I wanted to be a wild child. :-)
My thinking on that was that maybe Becky wanted to start more of a tenant relationship in addition to the mother/son relationship they already have. If that's the case, maybe that would help him feel less restricted.
If it's something that would cause lost sleep in their house, I can certainly reason with why she'd want that rule.
I would love to move in a pay $100/month
I think you are doing the right thing by coming up with house rules ahead of time. I would establish when he needs to let you know if he is going to home. Can he call you at 1am and say he is not going to be home or does he need to let you know by, say, 11pm?
This exactly. And the fact that he is never quiet when he comes home. Ever. I need to be prepared for it when it happens. There is a ton of backstory as to why he is heading home again, so he has to relearn some respect for the rest of the family.
Sunday works great for me. Let me know when and where. I will fill you in.
Could he just make sure that he at least texts you when he's not coming home? That way if you wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because he's not home, you can just check your phone.
Why is it so hard for him to be quiet when he gets in? I'd emphasize that more than the calling thing.
I was just going to post the same thing. I absolutely agree, I think if one of my children was old enough to stay out super late/not have a curfew but still wanted to live in my house, I absolutely will expect to be notified if they'll be home at night or not. I am not going to be pacing the house at 3am because my child isn't home and they're not answering their cell phone and I have no idea if it's because they found some other place to stay or if it's because they've been in a car accident... At that age I wouldn't be looking for an explanation of what they're doing, they would have that freedom... I'd just want to know when/if to expect them home... Even a text message would suffice.
Hannah
ETA: I didn't move back home after leaving (at 17) but had I needed to I would have perfectly fine with the rules you laid out... Absolutely easy street compared to the stress of living independently and supporting yourself.
One acronym... ADHD. He is not capable of quiet.
Absolutely. And, a very fair trade off for the deal he's getting
Sounds like a deal to me! I think your ground rules are very fair and are basically necessary to keep a peaceful household, especially with your DD being so young. Also, you don't want to enable him, and these rules will prevent it.
My sister bounced in and out of my parents' house until recently. It drove them crazy and while they love her, it is so much more peaceful for them now that she's gone, so I can understand!
This!
I think that is above and beyond reasonable....FWIW, my DH's parents had that rule for all of their children as soon as they turned 18 or graduated high school. DH turned 18 in March of his senior year so they gave him 2 months rent free and then it started as soon as he graduated. They were even more strict though, I am pretty sure he had a midnight curfew, period.
I will say that it worked wonderfully with all of DH's sisters (he has 4) and they all lived at home for a year or two until they either got married or found an apt. they could afford. DH on the other hand, he got fed up after like 4 months of it (granted he was working like 60+ hours a week for Duke and definitely not slacking) and he moved out. He has lived out of the house ever since then and has always been self-sufficient, working full time at a career type job (not just a random job) and become independent and responsible very quickly. I think it has a lot to do with his parents being firm with their rules and they also had the rule that once you were out you couldnt come back except for extenuating circumstances (not just, okay I realized I had it pretty sweet at home please let me come back). I think you are definitely doing the right thing and I think your DS will benefit a ton from having such good parents who care enough about him to continue to teach him how to be a responsible young adult. Good job mama!
I agree with almost everything that you have written. The only thing I would say is that he has to work at least 30-35 hours a week not 40. I know way too many places right now that are not letting people work 40 hours a week, even if you are full time so that would be my only change! Good luck!
Michelle
I agree with this!! I would also say a text is fine over a phone call but whatta I know either? I left home at 18 & never returned. It's not even that my parents were tough/strict. I have hippie parents that let me do anything I want. I think that's why I left & never came home is that I was always the "parent"
Good Luck!! I think it's really sweet that you are taking the money he gives you & keeping it for him!!