MFI- How long before you talked about donor sperm? (long)

HopingForMyFirstBaby · April 2011

My DH and I tried for 10 months on our own and then found out we wouldn't be able to get pregnant without $20-$25k for IVF with ICSI. Well, that money isn't appearing anywhere so now we've just been waiting for the past 3 months.

I'm wondering, for those of you dealing with MFI, how long did you (or would you) wait before bringing up the idea of using donor sperm with your DH? I love my husband soooo much and I want our baby to be a product of both of us but I feel like we're never going to have enough money for this to happen- or by the time we do I will be so much older that we will have a much lower chance anyway.

I don't know how to talk to him about this because he hasn't brought it up and I know how important it is to him to be a father to his own flesh and blood. I want to tell him that being a father is so much more than the sperm used but I know all he is going to hear is that I don't want to wait for him and his sperm. If we used donor sperm and an IUI our chances are very good since I'm young and ovulating normally and everything is ok with me- and it would only cost between $500-$1000.

I know there are so many couples on here that have waited a lot longer than me and I praise you for staying strong, but I'm crumbling. I had a breakdown the other night and couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating and it seems like I can't shake the hopelessness. I just want a baby so bad and I know that my DH does too and we're SO ready to be parents.

Any advice would be really helpful, I know this is a really sensitive topic and I want to broach this topic with my DH in a way that shows him that I'm figuring out a way for us to have a baby- not that I'm choosing someone else's sperm over his.

softbalangel · April 2011

We are facing MFI as well. I have thought about bringing the subject up with H, but he is taking our diagnosis pretty hard. We have a meeting scheduled with our RE's office in a couple weeks to review all results and to lay out a more definitive plan of action. If we are given even less odds due to the MFI, I may bring up donor sperm as I would like to be able to expirence being pregnant.

However, if H isn't open to it I'm okay with it. We are both really open to adoption (planned to adopt before our diagnosis) so we would probably switch gears and begin the adoption process.

stei8086 · April 2011

We had two failed IVF's and now we are "talking" about it. When I brought it up after IVF #1, my husband flipped out and said NO WAY! After the second fail, my RE suggested it. Now we are in a more serious talk about it, but I will not use DS if my husband is not 100% on board.

Some DH's could care less and some are dead set against it. It is important to see what your hubby's thoughts are. Good luck!

meganfauer · April 2011

I first want to let you know that me and DH are in the exact same boat with MFI and that everything is ok with me. We both are in no way financially ready to tackle IVF but as my mother put it "you will buy a $20,000+ car, you can do this for a child, right? " When I first told my mother that IVF with ICSI was our only option I was sobbing and she said that if money was my only concern and not the stress of the procedure we could figure this out. Maybe it would not be today that we could start but looking into all options financially (and I do not know your financial sitiuation so I can only speak for myself). I will tell you that my husband is a full time law student so tackling those loans are nerve racking as well. But together we made the decision to move forward. In our minds we took my mothers advice and agreed that we would buy a car for that amount of money, lets do it for a child.

My question for you is why is it so much money for yours? I am sure that each facility is different but our IVF, meds, freezing embryos, Assisted Attaching and ICSI is a little over $15,000.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I know that it is the hardest thing you might ever go through. I do know that I feel for my DH, I know how badly he wants biological children and how badly he feels that he thinks he has let me down in regard to his MFI. I wanted to at least try once to make his happen for him. And who knows all this money that we have taken out and the IVF could not work. It is a risk but I wanted to do whatever I could for my husband to have his own biological child b.c I know if the tables were turned I would want him to do the same for me. But again thank goodness for egg donors and sperm donors so we have that option. I think you need to just process your situation and take it one day at a time. Again I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Megan

ecleptic · April 2011

We talked about it within a week of finding our our diagnosis. He was activly against it to the point where he would prefer to adopt. Its not that it wouldn't be his child that bothered him, its that he was afraid that someday I might arge that it's my child and not his. Which isn't terribly off given his childhood but is something I'd never do. Regardless he couldn't take the idea.

We had the money to do IVF and have agreed that if push comes to shove with his MFI such that DS is a requirement, we will adopt an embryo that is unrelated to either of us. I want the experience of pregnancy but while I'd love having a genetic child- I'm not so attached to it that I'd feel comfortable forcing him into making a decision he doesn't want just so I can get pregnant.

I would rather do a snowflake adoption than a traditional adoption if at all possible though- I don't think I could handle the possible rejection that comes with traditional adoption and would like to experience a pregnancy.

Edwina.McDunnough · April 2011

$20-25 seems high for IV/ICSI.

Sorry I don't have any advice re DS, but we have been discussing DE, and I think that talking about it a lot, as a "maybe someday" thing, made it much easier to talk about as an actual option that we're considering. Ironically, my H is more attached to the baby being bio than I am. Good luck.

airforcetech · April 2011

We talked about DS soon after we got our diagnosis. The diagnosis hit me harder than DH. When I talked to him, I told him that IVF wasn't an option for me cause not only is it expensive, but it takes a big toll on me. I asked him what he would be open to. He said he would be open for anything. So when we get a chance to go see a male reproductive specialist, we will figure out what is really possible. I hope the talk with DH goes well for you!

gervaisj6 · April 2011

after our 2nd SA came back zero, they immediately had us schedule a biopsy.

when the results from that were zero, I couldn't wrap my head around not being preganant.

My husband works at a bank, and I told him, financially, using a donor would be cheaper than adopting a child, because I could do an iui...

also, adoption can take years, home studies etc... and we may do that- but I want to gift birth to a child, and atleast with using a donor- I would know what my prenantal care was... You don't always know the prenatal care of the mom...

My husband has always felt and even said "if this is the hand I have been dealt, I have no choice but to play it..."

and he is right. and also, DH is from a divorced home. His step fatehr- who isn't biologically linked to him, was/is more of a father ot him than his real dad ever could dream of...

People worry about the child not looking like them, but they have profiles, etc...

and you don't have to tell the child or anyone else, they are from a donor, if that is your choice, and that is what this whole thing is, your choice, everyone choices to build their families different ways.

You have to do what is best for you and your DH.

Just know that donor sperm is not cheap, you have to worry about the donor retiring - and so if you want siblings, then you have to pick someone else.

also, find out how many viald your RE uses per IUI- mine uses 1

some do back to back iui's that require 2 vials

find ou

HopingForMyFirstBaby · April 2011

Thank you for the replies ladies. After our first RE app we both said that we wanted our own biological children if at all possible but that if it came down to it we were happy that adoption was a possibility because we would rather have an adopted child than no child at all. My thought here is that at least with donor sperm our child would be biologically mine and that we would both be able to bond with our child while I was pregnant. My thought is that if my DH is ok with adoption, don?t you think that he would be ok with donor sperm?

STEI8086, that is so hard. I can?t imagine going through 2 IVF?s and them not working, I?m so sorry to hear that. I can understand your husband?s thoughts after the first IVF but I totally understand where you?re coming from so I?m glad the RE brought it up this time. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I see where your DH is coming from, ECLEPTIC, and I wonder if my DH would feel the same way. Overall, I just want to make sure that my husband knows that I want him first and foremost and a baby secondly. I would hate for him to think that I was choosing our baby over him and his feelings so if that?s how he ends up feeling about donor sperm than I guess that?s a no for us too.

MEGANFAUER, thank you for the post. I really appreciate that comment about spending that much on a car, I think it does put it into perspective. If we could get a loan that was structured like a car loan and we could pay monthly than maybe that?s something we could do. I keep thinking that we would need to come up with the money first and although that would be the best situation, you?re right, we could charge it if the loan parameters made sense. And yes, it does seem expensive, I?ve been checking out other places to get it done and the closest is about a 4.5 hour drive away so we?re not sure if making that drive would be worth the savings with gas, lodging, time away from work, etc.

HopingForMyFirstBaby · April 2011

GERVAISJ6- Thank you for your post, this brings up some really good, valid points. The prenatal care, the fact that you can choose a donor that has similiar characteristics, and adoption certainly not being easy are all important things that we will have to talk about. The sperm bank that my RE encouraged us to go to charges $250/vial and I will have to find out how many vials my RE wants us to get. This just seems so much more do-able than spending $20,000+ but I don't know, I'm so anxious to hear my DH's thoughts about it.

NMscubagirl · April 2011

We are dealing with severe MFI and I an ok for now. Honestly for us donor sperm is never going to be an option. DH feels like when it comes to making babies the sperm is the only part the men are responsible for and without that he is taken out of the process entirely. Also I really want for us to be on equal footing when it comes to being parents and with one being bio and another not I can only imagine the toll that would take on us. I really do want to be pregnant and although diui is cheaper, for me our relationship is worth the extra expense of a donor embryo. That way we would be equally connected to our child. That is just for us though, this is a horrible thing to have to go through and no one should ever have to make these types of decisions. Your journey is going to be different than anyone elses. GL to you!

gervaisj6 · April 2011

What sperm bank are you using if you don't mind me asking? We are using European Sperm Bank based out of Seattle. It is fairly cheap but 250.00 is cheap... I understand about you crumbling...I have had screaming bouts, etc, but that was when we didnt have a plan in place...now we do, I am much better, and DH is too, he is excited, and ready...

Mayan2011 · April 2011

DS isn't an option for us - at least not at this point. We are both on the same page with this decision. We want to have a bio child and will exhaust absolutely everything before considering other options. Luckily, we have the means to allow us to go down this path...

These decisions are incredibly hard on each partner and the relationship as a whole. It is important that IF feelings are expressed and understood in the relationship. Unfortunately, IF comes with many difficult decisions, and the individuals in a relationship may not always on the same page. It is my guess that if YH hasn't brought it up, it is b/c he isn't OK with it. At least that was the case with my situation.

I wish you luck!

Shay2012 · April 2011

Hi There,

My DH was diagnosed with Azoospermia back in September. Once we got the diagnoses it was difficult and we both were equally upset, but had premonitions he would have fertility problems from being a preme. Right away I said we have to consider all options adoption, maybe donor sperm or IVF and take it one step at a time. He went to a specialist which showed nothing was blocked and doing surgery would show a 20% chance of sperm at best. He didnt want to go through the surgery and we have a lifetime max of infertility money on our insurance so we decided to skip the surgery and go for donor through the california cryobank. My husband wants a child just as badly if not more then I do....he was willing to do whatever it took and he wanted to see me be pregnant and attend appts with me. He had no issues with it what so ever because he knew the child would be his. Check out the cryobank.com website and see what you think. I will admit it at first seems like a bad dating website but the staff is amazing and answer all your questions. You can also choose an anonymous donor or one who is more open to be contacted later on, we personally choose anonymous. We are in the process of our second IUI, hopefully we will get pregnant this cycle! Hope this helps, it definetly cant hurt to bring it up in conversation and test the waters, see what he is thinking. My husband definelty surprised me! Good Luck!

ChicagoWeded2007 · April 2011

I told my Dh I would not consider it, and he also said he would never do it. So, it's not an option for us.

But how young are you exactly?

Also, I hear there are payment plans for IVF that might help you.

j-bell · April 2011

Hi there - I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. I know that feeling of helplessness is awful.

One thing I wanted to suggest is it could help if both you and DH talked to someone who had children with DE or DS or adoption just to see all the different ways to make a family. I know that since we got our MFI diagnosis we've really been forced to consider all the different options out there. I think it's harder for men because they don't talk about things like women do and they don't necessarily seek out information. One of DH's coworkers has 2 adopted children so I think it's helped him see first hand how the end goal is a family, no matter how we get there.

And as for a datapoint, our clinic has quoted us $16K for one round of IVF including meds, assisted hatching, ICSI, etc. so maybe you want to take a lovely trip to San Francisco!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know this is such a personal and private issue. Best of luck to you both.

mjm579 · April 2011

First, how did you respond to injectibles for your IUI cycles? If no injectibles, how did you respond to other meds? What is your baseline FSH/

If all of these look good, then you might be a good recipient for IVF with ICSI.

Check out my siggy - started with IVF/ICSI/AH and due to poor response on my part, we moved on to vasectomy reversal. After 1 year azoospermia, we had to discuss "other options" 1) adoption, 2) embryo adoption and 3) DS.

Here was my thought process:

Adoption - as expensive if not more so than IVF, and can be a time consuming process.

Embryo adoption - much like adoption, it is not biologically related to either parent. Granted, they can match blood type, but it would be a major benefit to have aleast one biological parent for blood and/or organ donation should that need ever arise. Even this process can have waiting lists in excess of 1-2 years.

DS - can be a little hard to swallow (for both parties), but it was the next best option for us. I could pick a donor as close to DH as possible (same blood type, hair/eye color, weight, height, interests....some even offer adult and childhood photos.

My DH was very supportive and I understand that not every DH is going to react the same way. I am a poor responder and he has Azoospermia.....then again we have been at this since early 2008, so maybe time can change anyone's mind. We also attempted every single last resort to have a fully biological child. This was literally our last option before moving to Donor embryo (which I had an appt scheduled for on the 16th BTW). DH told me that I wasn't the problem, he was...I reassured him that we BOTH were the problem. He still cried when he saw that POSITIVE digital test.

I think the most important part is that both you and DH are on the same page. Infertility is such a crazy ride, and both of you need to be in the driver's seat on this one.

My suggestion, bring it up casually at first. You might also want to talk to your RE about it "offline" when DH isn't around. This way it might be easier for DH to accept if he hears it from a doctor! Don't expect miracles with the first conversation. Trust me, I wasn't about to back down when the RE told me that my ONLY option was donor eggs! WTF I'm only 32!!! So, imagine how he might feel. No man wants to hear that they don't have sperm - kinda makes them feel like less of a man (I assume).

You might also consider some infertility counseling. Your RE will more than likely require it before moving to DS anyway. Mine did! If the psych doesn't think you are ready, they won't allow you to proceed. Why not get the difficult stuff out of the way ahead of time.

In the end, DH will either accept "the hand he was dealt" or he won't. I'm sure once you both sit down and weigh the + and - of ALL of your options you will meet on common ground.

Best of luck in your fertility journey!

If you do decide to try out DS, have him take a look (may satisfy any of his curiosities) at fairfax cryobank or california cryobank. Also I recommend letting HIM pick the donor. I did with my DH and it made him feel a little more involved in the entire process.

Again, BEST WISHES.

If you have any other questions feel free to contact me (personal message if needed).

mjm579 · April 2011

I forgot to add that the only reason we were able to entertain IVF was due to a change in my health insurance.

I want to make another suggestion. I don't know your particular situation, but I did this before my insurance changed....this is when I found out I needed to move now or never if I wanted another child.

Have you considered being an egg donor? You get to help someone else out and there is a monetary supplement of $5000+ depending upon the clinic. Keep in mind that you need to be of a certain age, weight, etc.... but it might be an option to help you get the necessary funds to have a child of your own.

Again this WILL require a lot of discussion between you and DH but I felt like it was my chance to help out someone else going through a separate infertility journey. It will also give you an idea how you will respond to some rather expensive injectible meds (mine were in excess of $9000/IVF and IUI cycle).

Yellow_Daisy · April 2011

I hope you don't mind me responding.

My DH has Azoospermia, more specifically Sertoli Cell Syndrome, meaning he does not make any sperm. We tried for 18 mos on our own before he had a SA, which came back at zero and then a biopsy, which diagnosed the Sertoli Cell Syndrome. At that point we had 2 options, use DS or adopt. I will say that to us not having any sperm made things easier, biological children were completely off the table so any path we would be to a child that was not biologically both of ours. When I first brought up DS, after the initial zero SA my DH did not even want to discuss it he felt strongly that they would find sperm in the biopsy. It wasn't until he had had a few months to think on the idea and had the biopsy that he was ready to move forward with DS. Ultimately I left the decision on how we would proceed up to him because I was fine with either DS or adoption. At the end of the day whatever choice we made I wanted it to be one that we were both completely comfortable with. My DH completely surprised me by doing a complete 180 and being 100% on board with DS. It wasn't an easy decision for him though and we went through counseling for almost a year prior to having the biopsy because he couldn't process that he had no sperm.

Like you we thought donor IUIs would be cheap and our doctors were very optimistic that we would be successful in just a few cycles. I don't have an IF diagnosis and actually carry the gene for hyperovulation so without meds I ovulate 2 eggs most months. As my RE put it I was pretty much an ideal candidate for donor IUIs. My RE does back to back IUIs when using DS because frozen sperm has such a short life span (roughly 12 hours) once thawed. Each IUI cost us $2000 (incl u/s, b/w, 2 IUIs, 2 vials of DS). Ultimately we did not end up getting pregnant with IUIs despite me being an ideal candidate.

We had the choice to move onto IUI w/injectables projected to cost $3000-3500 per IUI or IVF. We choose to move onto IVF with ICSI. We were successful with our first IVF cycle. Our IVF cycle was $10200 including ICSI (this is the going rate here), we got almost all of our meds donated through EMD Serrano's compassionate care program. If your RE is quoting you 20-25k fro IVF with ICSI I would be looking for a 2nd opinion because that is way more expensive than average.

I don't know how old you are, but we started ttc when I was 26, today I'm 33. During our 6 yrs of ttc, we took a long break to save up enough money to pay for all our treatments with cash, it was hard, but worth it and completely doable.

As for where we are today, I'm PG from IVF with ICSI and DS. We are expecting our little boy in July and my DH couldn't be happier. He literally glows with excitement when he talks about his son and how excited he is to meet him. The day we had our first u/s he cried because he was going to be a dad. The fact that we used a donor is about the furthest thing from his mind because he is so elated about our child.

It was not an easy road to get here, nor was it without struggles, fights, disagreements between DH and I. Letting go of the chance to have a biological child is hard and unless your DH is 100% on board I would think twice before moving in that direction. Sometimes people just can't let go of that biological connection so you need to make sure you're prepared to hear that.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you and your DH are able to find a path to parenthood that works for both of you.

HopingForMyFirstBaby · April 2011

First of all can I say- THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH, it means so much to be able to have this conversation with women who know what I'm going through and can offer different opinions and ideas. I don't know how people got through this before message boards, I am SO THANKFUL for you ladies!

To answer some questions, I just turned 26 and my DH is 27. I haven't done any IUI's or IVF's or anything yet. The more I hear from you ladies the more that I see that my local clinic is super expensive. It doesn't help that they basically have no financing ideas beyond opening on a random credit card.

I spoke at length with my DH last night and it was a great conversation. When I brought up DS he said that I was right, he wasn't interested and that it was really important to him that we at least try to have a fully biological child first. Like you have all said, it's more important that both people are on the same page first and I totally agree so I said that was fine, I didn't want to move forward wth that if he didn't want to.

Next, I brought up the idea that we didn't hesitate spending that much money on a car so I don't know why we're hesitating spending that much on a baby. I told him that I started researching infertility loans and that we might be able to qualify for one of these loans with a low monthly payment and that I really wanted us to go over to Seattle to meet with a couple different RE's to see if we could get the same treatment for a lot less. Of course I'm not willing to settle for a second rate clinic just to save money but there are several options in Seattle which I think keeps costs down as opposed to Spokane where there is only one and they are ALWAYS full so they can charge whatever they want. I'm hoping to find somewhere that we are comfortable with, that shows good statistics, that will only charge somewhere in the $12-15,000 range.

Basically, I'm excited that he is on board with this new idea of using a Seattle RE and getting a loan and if we can figure it all out, we might even be able to get started on this sometime in the next year. Like all of us I'm sure, I will feel a lot better when we have a plan in place and I'm anxious to get there.

Thanks again ladies and GOOD LUCK to all of you!

ChicagoWeded2007 · April 2011

I'm glad you got some great advice and now you have a plan! Good luck with everything.

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