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marleysmom
member
WWYD re: correcting your mom
marleysmom
member
I did not legally change my last name when I got married because I was already somewhat established in my career. However, I have intended to only be Dr. Mylastname in the professional setting, and Mrs. Hislastname in all other settings. Obviously any legal documents need to have my last name as well. We explained this ad nauseum to our families when we made the decision, and it hasn't been an issue except with my mom- she cannot seem to get it right. In the past I've always explained that unless she's putting my name on a legal document or referring to me as a physician, then she should use my husband's last name. Usually this situation comes up when my husband and I would be referred to as a couple (ie Mr. and Mrs. Husband'slastname). However, she almost never gets this right. In the last week it's happened twice. First she submitted Connor's birth news to their church bulletin, and when we got a copy it read "Dr. Whitney Mylastname and Chris Hislastname announce the birth of their son...". Then she had a wooden baby block engraved with Connor's birth stats but had our names engraved as Whitney Mylastname and Chris Hislastname. She had a block engraved when Jocelyn was born as well, and did the exact same thing - I corrected her then and she apologized and acted like she couldn't believe she had made that mistake.
I know that my name situation is a bit complicated, but it's not rocket science. Essentially any time my husband and I are referred to as a couple, we'd like to be "Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname". I don't know why she can't get it right. I think it bothers me because it sometimes offends my husband, and plus I think it makes people who don't know us think we're not married. She tends to be really passive aggressive, so I can't figure out if she is doing this on purpose or not. She is funny about names - when Jocelyn was born she sent an email to the whole family saying that we would be calling her "Josie" (we weren't planning to) and now insists on calling her a different nickname we don't use (or like) and never calls her by her full name (same with my nephew). She has also already spelled Connor's name with an "er" several times despite being corrected, because she thinks that's the "right" way and "is trying to get used" to the "or" spelling.
Sorry this is ridiculously long for a vent about my mom's name issues 
I just don't know if I should bother continuing to correct her about my last name or let it go at this point. If I do bring it up to her again, any suggestions on how to do that tactfully? My patience with her is running out and I don't want it to turn into a big deal.
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Re: WWYD re: correcting your mom
I can totally understand your annoyance! It's really not that hard to understand.
Hmmmm, this is a tough one. I would be annoyed too, for the record. It doesn't sound that complicated to me! In general, does your mom mess other stuff like this up quite a bit? Does she have trouble getting others' names right outside your family, or remembering someone's name? If not, then your passive aggressive theory may be right.
Some of the things she's messed up are more important than others, definitely. The church bulletin thing would bother me more than the block (hey, now Connor and Jocelyn's blocks match, right?!). I wouldn't want people to think I wasn't married when I am, but you know you are so who cares about other people I guess. For our engagement my MIL put a bad picture of us in her local newspaper without asking us, and misspelled my mom's name. Not quite the same, but it really bothered me so I can relate to that.
I would maybe wait until you aren't so annoyed about it, then bring it up with your mom again and try to get a feel from her reaction if these really are mistakes. Your name is important, and your children's names are important, and I would keep working with her to get it right. I think it really depends on her motivation, too. If she truly just can't get it right and she's accidentally doing these things, then I would be more likely to just let it go at some point. My grandma calls my husband "Brett" instead of "Brent" every.single.time, but I know that she's not doing it on purpose and he doesn't care, so we don't bother correcting her anymore. If it was my mom doing this, I would work with her more to get it right.
And I guess at the very least, you could ask her to run anything important by you before she publishes it in the church bulletin, has something printed, etc. so you can proof it first. I don't think that's unreasonable, but it probably won't come up too many more times.
Sorry, this is long too. I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of going back to to work this week. Even though it's a little thing in the grand scheme of things, it's not something you want nagging at you either.
I feel like our mom's are very similar. I would sit down with her and have a frank but polite discussion. Tell her it offends you and your husband when she uses your professional last name vs your married name.
Tell her it hurts your feelings that she can't seem to spell your kids names right or call them the right name.
That is the only thing that would work for my mom. Good Luck!
Thanks for all of your input! It's definitely a minor thing in the grand scheme of things but so incredibly annoying to me. I honestly think she submitted it to the church bulletin that way because she is proud that I'm a physician and wanted to make sure everyone knew it, but that irritates me - I'm Connor's mom, not his doctor.
It really bothers me about the kids' names too because when my nephew was born, she made it VERY clear that she didn't like his given name (Ezekiel) and even sent out a grandparent's announcement (long story) introducing him as "Kiel". My brother calls his son by his full name or "Zeke", but never Kiel - that's just the only version my mom found acceptable, apparently. So, it really ticked me off when she sent out an email announcing "Josie" - not because I don't like the nickname (it's cute, I occasionally use it) but because it simply wasn't true that we would be calling her that vs. her real name. I didn't realize she had told people that until we started getting gifts - even embroidered ones! - with the name Josie instead of Jocelyn.
She isn't typically bad with names, and the more I think about it the more I think it's a passive-aggressive thing. Whatever the reason, I guess I need to set her straight again. I'm going to take the advice to wait until I'm less irritated about all the name stuff and then bring it up casually. Like I said, it's such a little thing but it will forever bother me if we don't clear it up. Thanks again!