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2nd Trimester
colorschemer
member
Crazy for not wanting any help? + vent
colorschemer
member
I've read the earlier thread talking about who was coming help when the baby came home, but I have a offshoot of that question.
Am I crazy for turning down help? I was talking to my mom today and she was telling me all about how she would come to stay with us (lives a couple hours away) for a day or two when LO got here, but then let us settled in before she came back for a while longer. All I could think was who the heck invited you!!? I feel bad because she has obviously thought a LOOOOT about how she can help without being pushy but it is so not her decision. She needs to stop thinking about it and start listening to me.
I kept telling her that I didn't know what our plans are -- that I'd never had a child before and had NO idea what I'd need until he actually gets here -- and she just kept going on and on and on and ON about how she wouldn't be "one of those pushy grandmothers who like moves in" but then kept telling me about what she had decided was the appropriate amount for her to be here. Maybe it's the hormones but I really don't care what she thinks is appropriate. I tried to change the subject again and again until finally I snapped at her and told her that I needed to go eat lunch and hung up.
Before I was pregnant, we had a few conversations that ended with me telling her that if she refused to talk about anything except when I was going to have children, then she needed to go talk to the wall and good-bye.
I feel like I'm having a temper tantrum here, but *stomps feel* my body, my baby, my house and my family.
I've never been the high maintenance easily offended type, but I feel like it is time for some serious boundary enforcement here. So am I being all crazy mama bear? I just don't think I can handle getting all stomped on (or is it just helping?) in the first weeks.
The big question is would it be worth the extra set of hands to have her around? Yes, I know I'm lucky to have such involved parents, really, but I need them to get another hobby right now.
I usually have a good relationship with my mom. I am just kind of getting tired of her baby craziness. She gets so obsessive!! All she ever talks about is baby stuff. If I try to talk about anything else, she totally ignores it and just talks over me about stupid burp cloths and stresses me out with a thousand questions about when I'm getting a crib.
I'm not trying to be punitive and it seems so mean to keep her from spending time with her (only) grandchild AND I probably will need the help but... but... I don't wanna. UG!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Crazy for not wanting any help? + vent
There is no way I'd refuse help from my mom (assuming we had a good relationship--which we do) those first couple of weeks. My mom flew in the week before my due date, and left when DS was 10 days old, and I'm so glad I had the help. She'll come up again for this one, especially since I have a rambunctious 2 yo.
You may think you don't want it now--but trust me, when you are dog-tired and baby is wanting to be held--you will wish you had an extra set of hands. If nothing else, but to cook and do laundry.
This is my first, too, but I do not think you are crazy. I do not want anyone to set up shop at our house after LO gets here. I'm a very private person and--while the help might be nice--I don't think I could handle having someone in my home 24/7. My DH is taking the first two weeks off with me, that's enough for me.
My sister is the complete opposite and she is very dependant on my mom and her MIL and even she didn't love having them there constantly in the beginning.
Hahaha my mom keeps pushing this, too. My mom lives a mile away and offered to MOVE IN. Holy unnecessary. I didn't respond one way or the other.
I plan on just redirecting her energy (and MILs if she gets to be the same way): if they offer help, I'll tell them politely what they can do to help. For example, I might say "I really think we have things under control, but it would be a huge help if you could bring us dinner one night, we love your chicken and dumplings" or "the baby is asleep but I am knee-deep in laundry," etc.
Married Filing Jointly Blog
Coming from a mother of 2, and having had 2 c-sections, YES you want the help! It is such an over whelming time, your head is spinning, you don't have any down time, you don't know where all the time in the day went.....but the last thing you'll want to think about is the laundry, dishes and meals, and that's what your mother or anyone else there would help with.
If you are breast feeding, that's all you and you only, but all those extra household items that don't just disappear now that you have a baby, will start to add up, and how great would it be to ask your mom, "mom can you throw these poop stained clothes in the laundry for me?" It may seem like an obnoxious request now before the baby, but your mom knows how much help you will need to adjust to life as a family of 3, so take it!!
i think you're crazy for not accepting help. but i understand why. my mom would drive me nuts more than she would actually "help" me.
you may feel that way now, but you will want and appreciate the help when you have the baby. the fact is, you will need a LOT of rest after that baby is born, and what better option than a loved one, to hold the baby while you sleep? or shower? or someone to make you lunch while you are resting/changinig/feeding the baby.
its a blessing to have the help, take it! make it a positive memory
Goodness I thought it I wrote this. I'm feeling the exact same way. My mom and I do have a good relationship but I have a crazy strong independence drive. Since there is a few months left to go i've decided to keep everyone at bay until closer or till after LO is born. I'm trying to recognize that my feelings might change and I may want the extra set of hands. Right now though, the idea of ANYONE other than DH being here makes me want to scream!
Your not alone!
I think you're crazy. I would have died without a little extra help. I did NOT want MIL to come stay because she gets on my nerves but knew I could not tell DH that my mom was coming but his mom wasn't "allowed" to. Even though she did occasionally get on my nerves, it was awesome to have someone there to play with him and let me get a little sleep while he was awake since I was breastfeeding and had to be up with him anytime he woke during the night.
My mom probably won't be able to come stay this time because she will be starting a new job and I am so worried about not having any help when DH has to go back to work.
Long story short...yes.
I had a c-section though, but the help I got from my mom and MIL the two weeks after DS was born was an absolute god-send. I get along extremely well with them both, however, so their company was most welcome. My husband was unable to take any time off so I really don't think I could've handled it physically or emotionally without any help. I really enjoyed the time they spent (my mom, the first week, his mom the 2nd) and it was such precious time for them to get to spend with their first grandchild.
Your mom is excited, you can't and shouldn't fault her for that. It'd be one thing if she drove you nuts and makes you want to tear your hair out, but I don't get that impression so I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, the help was SO welcome, and necessary for me. It allowed me to recover more easily and just enjoy myself. And believe it or not, the tidbits of wisdom and advice did actually come in handy...
I am only 11 weeks but I wish my mom offered to come help me. I live in Texas and she lives in Colorado. I havent lived with my mom in over 10 years. This is my first child and I feel like she is missing out on her first grandbaby. I dont even know if she will be down for the birth. I know that my mother and I have our dissagreements but I would absoultly die from shock if she offered to come stay with me for a while when LO gets here. It breaks my heart that you dont want your mom to help you. I do understand your mother isnt that far away so that could be the reason, but from my eyes my heart hurts for you both. I KNOW I KNOW< way to sensitive but this emotional rollercoaster that I have been on since finding out I was pregnant is overwheelming.
I don't think you're crazy for not wanting help nor do I agree with everyone that says you'll want the help. I have managed on my own with my last two children and intend to do the same with this child. I don't mind people visiting but I don't wany anyone living with me. To me that is more work than just being there by myself with the baby.
Once I start working part-time from home my sister will watch my kids, but she does not that now when I'm at work. She won't be doing that right when I get home from the hospital.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
I don't know what I would have done without my mom after my first was born. I had a c/s and I was able to focus on taking care of DD and she cooked and cleaned and gave me a break when I needed it. Even if that baby was crying and I couldn't figure out why, it was nice to have that voice there to say "Everything is fine, you are doing fine."
My mom lives in town, so she didn't stay with us.
I would accept help if people are offering.
Max born July 25
Big sisters Alex and Layla
This may be a big part of my problem. Our house is about the size of a two bedroom condo. I'm glad I married someone I like, because there's no privacy in this <1000 sqft house. One person can always hear or see what the other is doing.
Of course this is totally your decision, but I think you probably would regret passing up the help when the time comes!
With my parents, we have had to "set boundaries" that my husband & I both agreed on for both sets of grandparents to be! It's not to be mean to them, but we want them to know that WE are the parents of this baby. And that we also want them to be involved & but that they must first respect us!
I know very few grandparents who aren't willing to compromise to see those little bundles of joy---and agreeing on those "terms" before the baby comes and turns the whole world upside down is much easier than trying to set boundaries when we're tired & hormonal
I'd think about it---and good luck with your decision!!
If you don't want the help, TELL HER that!!!!! I did not want all the help from my parents and got it anyway. They are SOOOO pushy and really added to my post-partum anxiety!!!! They were at the hospital NON-STOP and at my house NON-STOP, as was my grandmother!!!!! The first day after being home, my grandma just comes, unannounced or invited, and first thing she says is, "I need to give the baby a bath. You can't do that." I was soooo pissed! I had a VERY easy labor with DD and was perfectly capable of bathing her and WANTED to give her her first bath at home!!!! DH was so kind and respectful, but it drove him even more insane having my family there all.the.time!!!!! They have since come to learn boundaries, but it took me a lot of time and resentment of them and their pushiness to get that.
Some people want that extra help and that's great, but I did not have a c-section or a hard labor and just wanted to be with my baby and DH and bond....without everyone else!!!!! Do what you feel is best for your family!!!!!!
Ha! I'm getting both sides of that. My MIL wanted us to use the heirloom bassinet that she had slept in as a baby and my own dad told us that the crib we were going to buy wasn't of a high enough quality (great reviews from Consumer Reports, not made in China, ect.) and wouldn't do. Sigh.
No matter how we do it, we're doing it wrong.
I think it depends on what the person offering to "help" means by help. Will they help with the household chores, meals, etc or will they just want to take the baby. I know plenty of people who have been in both positions and I can say that my mother would be offering useful help like laundry, meals, etc and my MIL would just want to take the baby and never let me have him back and not do a thing to actually help me.
Since my mom lives 10 min away, no she won't be moving in, but I won't mind her coming over to help me get adjusted and settled, she works though so I know she won't be over all the time. My MIL lives about 20 min away and while I know she will want to come over I won't be inviting her as much as my mother. MIL will be expected to treat her like a guest and wait on her, have the house spotless (else she'll gossip about me to my SILs), etc. To me what my MIL will be offering is not help, it's entertaining and I know I won't be up for that.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
I had a pretty easy delivery with my DD and I didn't have any help with child care except for my DH. He took a week off work. I was tired, but it's nothing I couldn't deal with. I can understand if you just had a c-section, help would be amazing and needed.
I felt like, I am the parent now, let me parent! I know every situation is different, but I kind of roll my eyes at people that always have their family over for help when they have a baby. I judge, what can I say? A break for a few hours here and there, would be great, but an extend stay and a grandparent acting as a "baby nurse", ridiculous. They already raised their children and they need to back off! My mom did bring us dinner for the first 3 nights we were home and that was nice, but take out would have served the same purpose.
My DD is a toddler and I am pregnant, NOW is the time I would love the help, not when she was sleeping for hours at a time!
I was so thankful for my mom's help the first week that I cried when she left. And my MIL came right after my mom, and I was even happy to have her help!
But I had a c-section so that added to my need I think. I spent all my time nursing the baby and resting for those first 2 weeks and I was so thankful to not have to worry about food/laundry/feeding the dog/anything else.
My DH went back to work after about a week, too, so that added to my need.
I think a lot of it depends on how much room you have at home. I never felt like my mom or MIL were on top of me or in my way. But our bedroom is upstairs and our guestroom is down so that might have made a difference.
If your DH can be there for at least 2 weeks you probably won't need as much help, but I was so, so thankful to have it! And I'm really going to need it this time with a 2-yr-old, too!
I'd wait until it's closer to time for delivery and see how you feel about it then. It's not like you have to make a decision right now, you know?
Ditto!
Unfortunately, my in-laws and parents live in states quite far from me and DH and they will need to get airline reservations and take time off of work sooner than later. I wish I could just tell them what I wanted when the time came. Currently, I'd love for it to be just me, DH, LO and the pets for the first few days. I worry that my mind will change though.
You're NOT crazy. Everyone is different. You know yourself and you mother better than any of us. Trust your gut. Good luck.
I think everyone is entitled to how they feel regarding having help from mom or MIL after the birth. I will, however, say that without mom I'd have lost my mind.
I think as a first time mom you want to prove to yourself that you can do it yourself. You CAN. But why drive yourself insane trying to do it? All the things you hear/read about being in pain and delirious from lack of sleep, they aren't a myth. Bringing home a baby is really hard work. Once you have a baby, privacy becomes something you don't care as much about. I needed someone to help me put underwear on after my C/S. You are so tired you don't even know someone else is there. I am so thankful that my mom was there, even though the idea of it before hand made me insane. Without mom, we wouldn't have eaten or had clean laundry, the dog would have soiled the entire house... you see where I'm going with this.
We chose not to have help for the first week. All of our family had to come from a few thousand miles away, and we had a planned induction, so we said, baby's coming no later than this day, and this is the first day we want visitors. My husband was off work for the first 5 days or so, then I had two days on my own before my sister came, followed by more family every few days.
Honestly, I appreciated the help from some family members. Others (who we had not invited in the first place) were honestly just in my way, eating my food and making a bigger mess. You need to figure out who will be helpful to you and who won't, and how much time your DH will be able to be with you, then let your family know what you need.
Also, you can't predict how your recovery will go, so you might need the help more than you think. I had a very easy recovery and needed help mostly because I was exhausted, but not in pain. Other women I know had difficult recoveries and needed help for weeks after.
DD1 Feb 2010
DD2 Sept 2011
My mom was the biggest blessing in our lives after DD was born. She was with us for 10 days & it was invaluable. She cooked, she cleaned, she took care of all of us, she helped me in the bathroom, she walked the floors with DD while I cried my eyes out, she let us have our space...she was amazing!!! I cried my eyes out when she left.
On the other hand, when my MIL and SIL arrived, I had a really tough time. They tried to be a help, but I had a hard time surrendering any control.
Being pregnant with #2 I have been through it and I know how tired you are those first few days. My mother is awesome too and I would 100% take her up on any offer to come help. I understand that it is your first and you want to have those bonding moments, but TRUST ME there will be plenty of those to come. Take her up on her offer and get some rest, otherwise you will be so tired and irritable that you won't enjoy those moments.
GL!!
I'd take the help. In hindsight, I wish I had asked my MIL for more help with my first child. Even if someone is just there holding the baby, that can be invaluable. I had a baby that wanted to be held all the time, so someone to hold the baby would have given me more time to sleep, eat, shower, etc.
I'd actually prefer help around 2 weeks after the baby is born. DS was really easy the first couple of weeks because he slept mostly. I really could have used an extra set of hands once he started to get more alert.
One piece of advice that I always give to friends who are expecting is, if family/close friends offer help at the beginning, TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a ton of help at the beginning and let me tell you how thankful I was. The first week after I had DD, my dh was here, and my mom/sister. Let me tell you how helpful they were! My sister would take the nighttime duty and let me sleep in between feedings. When DD woke up my sister would change her for me and then let me nurse her. My mom helped all throughout the day. My in-laws live nearby so they would come over also. The first week after I had her my dh had to go back to work and all my family members were going home all on the same day. I thought I was okay but the day before they were all to leave, I broke down and my mom ended up staying a little longer.
I had a close friend turn down help from her mom when her DS was first born. She and her dh fought and were so stressed out. She also slipped into semi post partum depression and I think it was from all the stress of when the baby was first born.
Having a newborn and having people around who have had children is a great gift. Even just for the company, I think you should accept the help. Tell your mom that you don't want her to be controlling and if you need help you will ask for it. But I speak from experience that it is so helpful to have some extra hands around when you first bring home a newborn.
GOOD LUCK!
I understand the whole independence thing. I didnt have help with my dd or when my ds was born. And my dd was 18mo when he was born. I thought I was going to need to call in reinforcements, but I actually felt good about no one being in my way. Dh was home for a week which was good. But then I was on my own. It really wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. My mom was on standby (which she was begging to help). I then had my ILs come a month later for 2wks. It was the longest 2wks of my life. They were constantly ASKING what they could do. It was so annoying. Not really looking forward to another 2wk visit this time around. Oh well.
On a side note: If you have a c/s then YES get the help. You just dont know how much pain you will be in.
Go with your gut! Try it out and if you need the help or a nap break call someone to come over for a few hours a day.
After reading a lot of response the trend seems to be either "It's my first baby and I want to be independent and there's no way I want my mom/MIL around" or "I've already been there/done that and as someone who's been through it...you WILL want the help".
I'm not sure why so many first time mamas like myself are secluding themselves from their parents and other potential helpers-I'm so grateful that my mom plans on coming when our LO is born. Between her and a few close friends that will be visiting during baby's first months, I'll have loads of help but I know I'll need it. Even though she'll be the only one with previous babying experience, why in the world would I want to go through all of this alone? Hubby can only be so much help-he gets two weeks off from work when I give birth, and I know he'll do everything he can, but we're both inexperienced parents and need a mom or two to help out. Especially since we'll be breastfeeding and cloth diapering. It doesn't matter how prepared you THINK you are, I know we'll hit hurdles once we get there, and thankfully my mom will be around to help us get past them with minimal breakdowns.
Also, it seems like a lot of people are saying that they don't want mom to visit since they live out of state, or X hours away, or whatever excuse, and they want to keep their family just them at the beginning. Sorry, but your baby will also be someone's niece or nephew, grandson or granddaughter, etc, as well as your son or daughter. There's no way I would be able to take the joy of seeing her first grandchild away from my mom. I'm not waiting until she's so many weeks or months old to 'present' her to family members-I want everyone to be able to enjoy her being a baby as much as possible. We live 1000 miles away from both of our families. And even if your parents are fairly close, little one won't be so little very long.
I watched my sister go crazy after the birth of her son with family that doesn't know boundaries. My mother-in-law and grandparents live 2 hrs away from me and my parents are planning on flying down. I made it VERY clear to them from the beginning that I when I get home from the hospital I want it to be my husband, the baby, and I and NO. ONE. ELSE.
I told the family members that live 2 hrs away that they were welcome to visit in the hospital if they wanted but it would have to be a day trip. When my parents started talking about coming down, I gave them a time frame that was about 3 weeks after my due date so that even if I deliver late, he will be born prior to them being there.
I totally understand your pain. I love my family dearly and have felt that I was being kind of mean, but when it comes down to it, this is my first child, and it is my time to be a new mom, my husband's time to be a new dad, and I wanted to keep that to the 3 of us. I know that my mother-in-law and grandma were slightly offended that I didn't want them around right away, but I gave them a time frame when I thought it would be helpful/appropriate for them to visit and that seemed to pacify them.
When it comes down to it, better to piss off your mom a little bit than to ruin your experience. Maybe you'll look back and think that you could have used her help, but there's always the next kid for that and I can't think of any mother that wouldn't like to hear, "you know mom, you were right"
GOOD LUCK!!
I am due in less than five weeks, and my mom has offered to stay with me for two weeks after the baby arrives. I CAN'T WAIT!!! I am already overwhelmed with putting all of her stuff away from the showers, and I don't want to wash her clothes until she is born (two previous miscarriages). I am going to put my mom to some serious work, doing laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. Baby's feed like every TWO hours for the first couple weeks, which leaves you with NO sleep and a ton of work around the house. Even a really supportive husband still won't understand why you've been home ALL day and he's eating take out. Babies are a huge adjustment, and God made moms to help us get through it.
I hope you reconsider, because you can always tell her to go away once she's there, but it's not going to be as easy to say COME NOW!
I would LOVE to have my mom around. I am hoping and praying she will make the 2,000 mile trip to help me out with baby #2. Upon returning home with baby #1 I was exhausted, so very sore, and my hormones were really out of whack. I thought I would be well rested from the hospital stay but I wasn't AT ALL. It was great to have my mom there (we lived 30 minutes away at that time) to just watch the baby while I caught a few zzzs. She also prepped some meals for us, so that we wouldn't have to worry about cooking.
I didn't think I would need her help, but it was sooooo nice to have her there. She wasn't there for more than a few hours the first few days and it was a Godsend!