Vent: stop me from going off on my mom (long)

manatee21 · October 2008

My mom became a grandmother for the first time last week. ?Before my niece was born, Mom was telling people that this baby was "the only good thing in her life". ?

I tried really hard throughout my sister's pregnancy to be strong, and keep my IF heartbreak to myself. Last Sunday's phone call with my mom, I had to hear about how happy my sister is, how cute she and BIL are with the baby, how wonderful the baby is, etc. for over an hour.?Unfortunately she's pretty selfish in general so I know that she cannot grasp that this hurts me.

I know she's excited, but I'm having a really hard time. ?

Today my aunt sent photos of her grandchild to the family, and my mom wrote back (to everyone) how cute he is, and "You are SO lucky to be a grandmother"

This is not the worst thing she's done, but I'm on my last nerve with her. ?I'm holding myself back from firing back a nasty email letting her know how I've been feeling and how awful that email makes me feel.

Tell me I'm over-reacting?

pmarie33 · October 2008

Unless you spill the beans, you can't say anything. She doesn't know that she's hurting you.

Nikki1007 · October 2008

I would let her know shes hurting you. She probably has no clue.

Lelly · October 2008

Does she know what you are going through? I don't think you are overreacting but I also don't think she understands what she is doing. Unless you are totally upfront about your process and how hard this is for you, you can't expect anyone to understand.

My mom knows our struggle. I have a 3 year old niece and a step-sister who is pregnant. My mom always tells me that everything will be different when it's me who is pregnant and that she will always feel a stronger bond with my children. She is really supportive of our situation.

Dr.Loretta · October 2008

Does she know you have IF? If she does, let her know that what she's saying is insensitive, and she should keep such sentiments to herself. If she doesn't, you have to decide if you're going to let her know and face whatever you get as a reaction, or keep it to yourself and realize that she doesn't know how you feel.

staycee · October 2008

I don't think you are overreacting. I've gone through similar with my mom.

My mom isn't a grandma yet, but her sister who she is very close to just became a grandma when my cousin had a baby last Oct. My mom has to update me on all the cuteness that is Madison. When she was staying with me for 2 days after my lap, she brought a video. She had asked ahead if I wanted to see it. I told her "we'll see, not sure". Well, she got very pushy with trying to get me to watch it. I told her I had no interest right then in watching how wonderful it all was, and how happy they all were. She continued to push - so I finally had to actually start yelling that she had no clue what I was going through, how I was feeling, how watching that would make me feel right then, etc... Then I ignored her for the rest of that day.

manatee21 · October 2008

I know that she can't read my mind. ?I guess I just expect a bit more empathy from my own mother. ?

The last visit home I talked to her about how hard IF is. While she did listen, 10 minutes later she jumped up and asked me if she could show me all the clothes she bought for my niece. ?She just doesn't get it.?

staycee · October 2008

pmarie33:

Unless you spill the beans, you can't say anything. She doesn't know that she's hurting you.

oh, I missed that she doesn't even know. That makes it so much harder. Not fair.

staycee · October 2008

manatee21:

I know that she can't read my mind. I guess I just expect a bit more empathy from my own mother.

The last visit home I talked to her about how hard IF is. While she did listen, 10 minutes later she jumped up and asked me if she could show me all the clothes she bought for my niece. She just doesn't get it.

ah so she does know. Well, she sure doesn't really know how you are feeling. I've had to tell my mom not to share any baby news about anyone unless I specifically ask about it. Otherwise, I do not want to hear it.

pmarie33 · October 2008

manatee21:

I know that she can't read my mind. I guess I just expect a bit more empathy from my own mother.

The last visit home I talked to her about how hard IF is. While she did listen, 10 minutes later she jumped up and asked me if she could show me all the clothes she bought for my niece. She just doesn't get it.

Oh, I didn't know she knew.

Then you have every right to say something, especially if she knows you are going through a hard time.

manatee21 · October 2008

Just to clarify, she does know about our IF, how long we've been trying, that we have to do IVF. ?She's listened to me cry about this, but I guess ?it would never occur to her that hearing about my niece is really hard.

Staycee - oh, I remember when your mom visited with the video. ?I'm sorry that happened. ?How are things with your mom now??

staycee · October 2008

manatee21:

How are things with your mom now?

eh, fine in terms of baby talk. But in general, this has been a hard year on our relationship and now I just do not call her nearly as much as I used to (from several days a week, down to about once or twice a month)

manatee21 · October 2008

I'm glad there's been a bit of an improvement - I hope things get better with her.

EastCoastGirl* · October 2008

I am very sorry. I think if it were me, I would do everything I could to protect myself, and therefore would not engage in any voluntary conversations or emails for awhile, even if that meant not answering calls or whatever. I know that's wimpy, but until I was ready or in a better place to handle it, I'd hide.

tivogirl · October 2008

I don't think you are overreacting ...just be honest with her about how her actions make you feel and although you are happy for your sister it is bittersweet because of your own struggles.