Would like some advice (currently in a relationship)

KtGirl88 · March 2011

Hello,

I have never posted here before because I am not a single mother although lately I fear my relationship is heading that way. My FI has potential to be an AMAZING father and husband but unfortunately he has been getting caught up in high school things lately and hanging out with the wrong crowd. We have spoken about this many times and he swears he will change right before the baby comes but I need to see change now for things to work. I am scared about some decisions regarding this baby. We always planned for our little girl to have his last name (because we planned to get married at some point after the baby) but now I am thinking it might make things easier if the baby had my last name if he was not around. Does the babies last name have anything to do with custody and making it easier if it were to come to that? Also, I would love for her father to be in her life but not if he continues down this road. It is not the life I want for her. Do you have full custody of your children? If if came down to it I would want to be there whenever he sees the baby because I dont trust his family or friends.

Im sorry for all the questions and Im not sure this post even makes sense. I have a strong support system and I know I would be able to make an amazing life for my little girl by myself even though I really wish he would turn things around soon.

sweetie0228 · March 2011

Last names make no difference in custody. As an unmarried couple, you may not even be legally allowed to put his name on the Birth Certificate with out 1. him signing an affidavit of paternity or 2. a court ordered DNA test.

Even with him on the BC, he still doesn't have custody rights until he files for them in court and then custody and visitation can be established.

Child support is a completely different situation b/c you can file for CS and that doesn't affect his visitation or custody. He can be ordered to pay CS but still not have custody/visitation rights.

Also you can give the child your last name and then later if you get married and things work out you can submit a BC change in PA you just both sign the back of the BC and mail it back in and they will send you a new BC with the child's last name changed to the father's last name as long as he is listed as father on the BC originally.

You really don't get a say about who he brings the baby around once he has established rights of visitation, it is assumed that he would make appropriate parenting choices. Just as it would be assumed for you and he can't control who you bring around.

Unless in extreme documented circumstances, you won't be able to demand supervised visitation just b/c he's not the main child care provider or doesn't have much experience w/ children. Everybody learns somehow by being throw into it.

Most courts recognize newborns shouldn't be away from the mother for overnights, particularly if she is breastfeeding. But you could get a very pro dad judge who says you can pump for day care you can pump for overnights. it's a crap shoot...but it really all depends on him walking his happy self into a lawyer's office and filing for rights.

Since you are not married in most states you have 100% custody and don't have to allow anything...but you should be proactive and get a lawyer to know what your rights are before you sign or agree to anything once you decide which way this relationship is going. It does no one any good to give away rights just b/c you didn't know you had them.

Don't be nice...nice gets you screwed. This is a business arrangement you need to protect yourself and your child's stability. I'm not saying not to be civil and to be rude or uncooperative but don't just give away the farm b/c you wanted to be nice and he manipulated you into it.

sapphire angel · March 2011

Your name and your baby's name do not NEED to be the same. Schools, daycares, basically everyone, is a lot more understanding today than they were in the past. When they call, they will ask for you by LO's last name but you just correct them and go on. It's not a big deal.

Once your LO has your FI's last name, it will be very difficult to change, but it would probably be easier to change from your last name to his if you later decide you really do want LO to have his name. I was told we would have to fight it out in court to change from the father's last name to mine, so I am waiting for him to prove he's not going to have an active part of LO's life and then petition for the change. Looking back I should have put my last name on the paperwork but I didn't. I regret this everyday since kicking my exFI out at 4 months old.

LO is in my custody. ExFi has 1st,3rd,and 5th Saturdays - not that he takes advantage of more than one per month. I understand this is a bit more restrictive than most as ExFi does not have overnights until 3 years old. All I asked for was no overnights, but the mediator also tangled him up in several lies during our mediation so maybe that's why...

You can petition for supervised visitation and if you get it, you (or maybe the court?) name the supervisor. I'm pretty sure your FI would not get to choose his own supervisor. I'm not sure how this works but I suspect you have to have good reason to request this...

I hope some of this helps. Good Luck and I hope things work out for you!

KtGirl88 · March 2011

sweetie0228:
Last names make no difference in custody. As an unmarried couple, you may not even be legally allowed to put his name on the Birth Certificate with out 1. him signing an affidavit of paternity or 2. a court ordered DNA test.
Even with him on the BC, he still doesn't have custody rights until he files for them in court and then custody and visitation can be established.
Child support is a completely different situation b/c you can file for CS and that doesn't affect his visitation or custody. He can be ordered to pay CS but still not have custody/visitation rights.
Also you can give the child your last name and then later if you get married and things work out you can submit a BC change in PA you just both sign the back of the BC and mail it back in and they will send you a new BC with the child's last name changed to the father's last name as long as he is listed as father on the BC originally.
You really don't get a say about who he brings the baby around once he has established rights of visitation, it is assumed that he would make appropriate parenting choices. Just as it would be assumed for you and he can't control who you bring around.
Unless in extreme documented circumstances, you won't be able to demand supervised visitation just b/c he's not the main child care provider or doesn't have much experience w/ children. Everybody learns somehow by being throw into it.
Most courts recognize newborns shouldn't be away from the mother for overnights, particularly if she is breastfeeding. But you could get a very pro dad judge who says you can pump for day care you can pump for overnights. it's a crap shoot...but it really all depends on him walking his happy self into a lawyer's office and filing for rights.
Since you are not married in most states you have 100% custody and don't have to allow anything...but you should be proactive and get a lawyer to know what your rights are before you sign or agree to anything once you decide which way this relationship is going. It does no one any good to give away rights just b/c you didn't know you had them.
Don't be nice...nice gets you screwed. This is a business arrangement you need to protect yourself and your child's stability. I'm not saying not to be civil and to be rude or uncooperative but don't just give away the farm b/c you wanted to be nice and he manipulated you into it.

Thank you so much for all that information!! It was very helpful!!

sapphire angel · March 2011

sweetie0228:

Don't be nice...nice gets you screwed. This is a business arrangement you need to protect yourself and your child's stability. I'm not saying not to be civil and to be rude or uncooperative but don't just give away the farm b/c you wanted to be nice and he manipulated you into it.

THIS. I wish someone had told me this. I figured it out pretty quick but I wish I had some warning.

KtGirl88 · March 2011

sapphire angel:
sweetie0228:

Don't be nice...nice gets you screwed. This is a business arrangement you need to protect yourself and your child's stability. I'm not saying not to be civil and to be rude or uncooperative but don't just give away the farm b/c you wanted to be nice and he manipulated you into it.
THIS. I wish someone had told me this. I figured it out pretty quick but I wish I had some warning.

This could turn into a bad situation but I am glad he is showing me some signs now so I can at least prepare myself for the worst. He could end up being an amazing dad/FI but I want to be ready for both sides of things. I really leaning towards giving her my last name and just telling him "I will change her last name to yours when we get married and I have to change mine too" that way it wont spark any curiosity. He has no idea im looking in to these kind of things and I want to keep it that way because if he does change I will feel horrible for thinking all these things and if he doesnt change I want to be way more knowledgeable and catch him off guard with custody type things. sneaky sneak ) i want the best for my little girl

sapphire angel · March 2011

KtGirl88:
sapphire angel:
sweetie0228:

Don't be nice...nice gets you screwed. This is a business arrangement you need to protect yourself and your child's stability. I'm not saying not to be civil and to be rude or uncooperative but don't just give away the farm b/c you wanted to be nice and he manipulated you into it.
THIS. I wish someone had told me this. I figured it out pretty quick but I wish I had some warning.
This could turn into a bad situation but I am glad he is showing me some signs now so I can at least prepare myself for the worst. He could end up being an amazing dad/FI but I want to be ready for both sides of things. I really leaning towards giving her my last name and just telling him "I will change her last name to yours when we get married and I have to change mine too" that way it wont spark any curiosity. He has no idea im looking in to these kind of things and I want to keep it that way because if he does change I will feel horrible for thinking all these things and if he doesnt change I want to be way more knowledgeable and catch him off guard with custody type things. sneaky sneak ) i want the best for my little girl

That's a good idea with last names and I really wish I had done it that way. I kept telling myself he would change and LO's presence finally made me realize that if he couldn't change for her, then he wasn't going to. He's told me he blames her for my leaving him but that's ok with me because it reality it's the truth. It's good for you to know your options now even if you never need them. Your local attorney general's office can also answer questions without starting a case. Our attorney general's office (Texas) has a 1-800 lawyer line that is free for us to use as well for advice.

We're here for you if you need us or have other questions.

KtGirl88 · March 2011

Thanks again!!!

)

Mrs.Keith2B · March 2011

As usual, Sweetie gave fantastic advice re: the name on the birth certificate, custody, visitation, etc.

I'm going to focus on your relationship. To me, it sounds like one of two things are happening with your FI. Either he's A) reverting back to his HS days because he knows this will be his last stint of "freedom" or

He's reverting back to his HS days because he's not nearly as ready for the responsibilites of a child and wife. Unfortuntately for you, you have no way of knowing until he's actually forced to be a father and maybe (someday) a husband.

As an outsider, it's easy for me to say that you need to truly prepare yourself to be a single mom. However, I know that's easier said than done when you're in the relationship. You mention that you want your FI to change before the baby comes, but he's only going to do that if he wants to and is ready to do so. Forcing him to do it won't work -- sure, he might change briefly, but it won't last because it wasn't something he was ready to do. An unfortunate for you, you won't find out until it's too late. Please, please, please do not marry this man until he's proven to you he has stepped up to be a father and a man who is deserving to be your husband. Treat everything he says as an empty promise -- his actions (or lack thereof) will speak for himself.

Good luck!

katieisawesome · March 2011

sweetie0228:
As an unmarried couple, you may not even be legally allowed to put his name on the Birth Certificate with out 1. him signing an affidavit of paternity or 2. a court ordered DNA test.

I don't think this is an issue. When DD was born, I was not married to XH and we gave her his last name without any additional paperwork.

haleyw458 · March 2011

katieisawesome:
sweetie0228:
As an unmarried couple, you may not even be legally allowed to put his name on the Birth Certificate with out 1. him signing an affidavit of paternity or 2. a court ordered DNA test.

I don't think this is an issue. When DD was born, I was not married to XH and we gave her his last name without any additional paperwork.

Depends on what state you're in. Some states require this, some don't. That's why she said, "may".

achase123 · March 2011

Mrs.Keith2B:

As usual, Sweetie gave fantastic advice re: the name on the birth certificate, custody, visitation, etc.

I'm going to focus on your relationship. To me, it sounds like one of two things are happening with your FI. Either he's A) reverting back to his HS days because he knows this will be his last stint of "freedom" or He's reverting back to his HS days because he's not nearly as ready for the responsibilites of a child and wife. Unfortuntately for you, you have no way of knowing until he's actually forced to be a father and maybe (someday) a husband.

As an outsider, it's easy for me to say that you need to truly prepare yourself to be a single mom. However, I know that's easier said than done when you're in the relationship. You mention that you want your FI to change before the baby comes, but he's only going to do that if he wants to and is ready to do so. Forcing him to do it won't work -- sure, he might change briefly, but it won't last because it wasn't something he was ready to do. An unfortunate for you, you won't find out until it's too late.

Please, please, please do not marry this man until he's proven to you he has stepped up to be a father and a man who is deserving to be your husband. Treat everything he says as an empty promise -- his actions (or lack thereof) will speak for himself.

Good luck!

I agree with all of the above, plus what sweetie said about all of the legal questions that you had.

If you could provide some more insight into what things he's doing which are "high school ways" that would be helpful. I can read between the lines somewhat and none of the things that it brings to mind are good.

IMO someone saying that they will change when (insert timeline here) happens is NEVER a good thing. If he isn't willing to change now, realizing that it would be better for himself, you and your family, then why would he change once you are farther along? His reasoning and excuses scream immaturity. That leads me to believe that he isn't ready for the responsibilities of parenthood.

Many of us have dealt with this with our exes. When I got pregnant I was only six weeks along and had a woman contacting me on Myspace saying that she had met up with my husband in a hotel room when I was out of town.

That was only the beginning of the end and by the time we were through I had more than enough signs to realize that he was never going to be the husband or father that I had hoped. You could say that he reverted back to his "high school ways" if that included staying out until all hours of the night or not coming home,

Want a personalized experience?

Would like some advice (currently in a relationship)

Re: Would like some advice (currently in a relationship)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards