Am I being unreasonable and/or hormonal pregnant woman?

Amanda&EricB · March 2011

I told my mom yesterday that my dad and stepmom want to host the shower at their house. I figured my mom would need a little time to deal with that. My parents have been divorced for 29 years so you'd think they'd have had lots of time to get over their animosity, but apparently not. Actually that's only true on my mom's part but that's not the point of this post.

Anyway, so my mom told me "I haven't decided if I'm going. I'm tired of saying hi to them and they just ignore me." Seriously, Mom? Who the eff cares?? Those times you were around my dad and stepmom, were my brothers wedding and mine. Oh and my wedding shower. There was a lot going on. I'm not trying to make excuses for my dad and stepmom, I just don't see the big deal. Ok your feelings were hurt. I'm sorry for that. But is that a reason to skip your daughter's baby shower? This is going to be a BIG party- my dad said we might as well invite everyone we want and have a big party. They have the space and are willing to do it. Other people on my mom's side are coming.

I know the easy solution would be just to have a separate shower that my mom would go to, but everybody that I would want to come to a shower is coming to this one.

I guess I'm just venting. I wish my mom would get over it and just suck it up for one day. There will be a lot of people there that she knows, so it's not like she would be standing like a wallflower, awkward and out of place. My dad has a very large house and 10 acres of land, we plan to have the party both inside and out. It's going to be more like a bbq/summer party, my stepmom said.

Sigh. I don't know what I'm wanting here, maybe just to hear that I'm not wrong for being a little irked at my mom?

TheFannins729 · March 2011

my parents have been divorced for 28 years. I would never expect my mom to come to a shower at my dad's house because it would be awkward for her. I would do two separate showers.

veronicafvr · March 2011

You're not wrong for being irked. Give her time, I'm sure she will come around. My parents are the same exact way and if my mom is unhappy she lets everyone know it. For her it is an attention thing, she truly tries to make everything about her. By now everyone has just learned to ignore it because if you coddle and give her attention it just encourages the behavior.

If she doesn't change her tune or at least suck it up and fake it for one day I would have a serious talk with her. But, try not to let it bother you, you have more important things to concern yourself with.

Everyone's situation is different though. Does she have reason to be uncomfortable?

kandygrl23 · March 2011

I can understand how your mom might feel. I would like to say that she should suck it up, but I really think it would be best to consider separate showers.

MsCrispy · March 2011

It is annoying, but I'd just do two showers. Will your mom be willing to host one for her side? And then your dad can have the one for his side. It sounds like the easiest way to go. If your mom does not want to host one, then she either has to suck it up and go to your dad's or not attend your shower.

chandwy11 · March 2011

I would be irked too. My parents have been divorced for 37 yrs and up until my dad got really sick, my mom had similar issues. She would suck it up and I just made a point to make sure she was comfortable at the gathering. I would just tell her you understand it's uncomfortable but you really want her to be there. Hopefully, she will be able to pull it together. I agree that you have bigger fish to fry right now and to not let this bother you too much.

julygal · March 2011

My grandmother has been divorced for 40+ years and still has animosity and a hard time sharing family events. I can imagine this would be hard for your mom, which is why you told her early, so she'd have time to come around. Give her time, but I'd consider having a separate shower.

TheFannins729 · March 2011

also, i think if it were at a neutral place, i'd tell mom to just suck it up. It's the fact that it's at your dad's house that I'm thinking it's best to have two showers. My parents have been civil at things like graduations and weddings because it didn't involve coming to their homes. That adds a level of uncomfortableness in my opinion.

Codi-Bailey · March 2011

I honestly think she should suck it up, but maybe that's because I'm in your same situation and my parents DO suck it up because it's for their kids. My parents have been divorced for 10 years and last summer my mom stayed in the same house my dad and step mom did for my destination wedding. Was it awkward? It was at first, but everyone sucked it up and dealt with it. There are always going to be special occasions, and I don't see why they have to be so separate. You wouldn't have a separate wedding, so I don't think you should have to have a separate baby shower. I do understand how she feels, but it will only be for a few hours and it's for her daughter.

Codi-Bailey · March 2011

TheFannins729:
also, i think if it were at a neutral place, i'd tell mom to just suck it up. It's the fact that it's at your dad's house that I'm thinking it's best to have two showers. My parents have been civil at things like graduations and weddings because it didn't involve coming to their homes. That adds a level of uncomfortableness in my opinion.

This is very true, and I totally understand it even more since it's your dad's house; however, I still think she should go.

julygal · March 2011

TheFannins729:
also, i think if it were at a neutral place, i'd tell mom to just suck it up. It's the fact that it's at your dad's house that I'm thinking it's best to have two showers. My parents have been civil at things like graduations and weddings because it didn't involve coming to their homes. That adds a level of uncomfortableness in my opinion.

ITA

BarefootAndSinging · March 2011

I think your feelings are justified. I've never been divorced, so I of course don't know. But my parents are and they're still able to be around each other, so maybe that's skewing my viewpoint. But, I'll be honest, unless it was some kind of abusive situation or something just horrendous, it really bothers me when divorced parents are not able to set aside their difference for a short time and just be parents. Focus on their mutual child - whatever the occasion - and remember that they are bonded by this (and only this). Petty, personal feelings aside. And being a mother now, I can't imagine not wanting to do whatever was best for my kids. Regardless of if I had to step outside my comfort zone for a day.Especially since you will have other family members there from her side!

And the reason I say "petty" is kind of this: "I haven't decided if I'm going. I'm tired of saying hi to them and they just ignore me." This doesn't sound like a serious, compromising situation for your mom. It sounds trivial and petty.

And I think I'm sounding way too harsh and judgmental. So I'm done now. Just let me climb my pregnant butt down from my soap box....

KBaker421 · March 2011

I'd be kind of pissed. I understand that they are divorced but i would hope that they could be cordial for one day for just a few hours for their daughter and grandbaby.

of coarse this is coming from a girl whose parents are divorced but are very close

Marettie · March 2011

TheFannins729:
also, i think if it were at a neutral place, i'd tell mom to just suck it up. It's the fact that it's at your dad's house that I'm thinking it's best to have two showers. My parents have been civil at things like graduations and weddings because it didn't involve coming to their homes. That adds a level of uncomfortableness in my opinion.

I agree with this completely! Since this isn't being planned by a neutral friend I think it's best to just do two showers. Why make it awkward for anyone?

Amanda&EricB · March 2011

Codi-Bailey:
I honestly think she should suck it up, but maybe that's because I'm in your same situation and my parents DO suck it up because it's for their kids. My parents have been divorced for 10 years and last summer my mom stayed in the same house my dad and step mom did for my destination wedding. Was it awkward? It was at first, but everyone sucked it up and dealt with it. There are always going to be special occasions, and I don't see why they have to be so separate. You wouldn't have a separate wedding, so I don't think you should have to have a separate baby shower. I do understand how she feels, but it will only be for a few hours and it's for her daughter.

This is what I'm thinking. I am one of those people who like unity, and I don't feel like everything should be separate. If my mom did a separate shower, it would be like 3 people, because her side of the family is so messed up and half of the people don't talk to the other half. I just roll my eyes and say "it's their loss".

I do understand the line of thinking that being as the party is at my dad's house, that might make it more awkward. However, it's really the perfect location as far as space goes, and I'm not the one deciding on it anyhow. If the party was at my mom and stepdad's, my dad and stepmom would go and enjoy themselves.

I think right now I'm in this weird phase/frame of mind where I think parents need to grow up and let bygones be bygones for the sake of their children. I'm tired of being put in the middle. So I guess I will just let me mom know, if she decides not to go, that I'm disappointed but that I acknowledge that it's her choice.

kyashley1227 · March 2011

My parents are divorced and I would never have them at the same shower. We did all of our wedding stuff separate. We had separate showers, ran away to get married, had separate receptions?etc. and we plan on having separate birthday parties for our kids as well. No need for conflict!

Amanda&EricB · March 2011

ExpectantSteelerFan:

Both my brother and I decided that we're not going to do separate occasions for our separate families...we'll do what works best for us, and if one or the other decides they don't feel comfortable coming, then that's ok, and we'll spend time individually with them later.

I really think if you haven't already, decide on a policy that's going to be right for you because these things are going to keep coming up with special occasions for your LO. Do you always want to have to do separate parties?

I think that's what my DH and I will have to do, decide on a policy that we are comfortable with. After all, it is our life, and our child. I hate feeling like people are left out, or their feelings are hurt. But honestly I'm so sick of being put in the middle and given a guilt trip.

My DH's family is the opposite of mine. His parents are still married, 35 years, every body gets along with everybody else. They all try to do whatever they can to accomodate each other and make things easy for everybody. I know I shouldn't compare the two families but sheesh! Why can't it be that easy for my family??

On a side note, my mom was told today that she will be having radiation on her brain after her chemo and other radiation are over, which will be in early June. So about the time she starts the brain radiation, the party will be happening. I doubt she would want to go then or even feel like going.

ETA: We do not want two separate everythings for the rest of our lives. One birthday party, one shower, one graduation party, etc. The exception would be major holidays, unless we are hosting them at our house. And then they would have the choice if they wanted to come or not.

mrspayne10 · March 2011

TheFannins729:
also, i think if it were at a neutral place, i'd tell mom to just suck it up. It's the fact that it's at your dad's house that I'm thinking it's best to have two showers. My parents have been civil at things like graduations and weddings because it didn't involve coming to their homes. That adds a level of uncomfortableness in my opinion.

This. I think it's the place that would make her feel awkward. I would either see if your dad, step-mom, and mom all want to host together at a neutral location, or have two showers.

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