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Single Parents
Lurking and looking for advice.
OK so here's my story....kind of torn what road to take. I was graduating grad school when I found out I was pregnant by my bf. Two weeks later we got engaged and married 2 months later. I feel like there have been red flags all along, but when I bring it to my husband's attention he justifies his behavior (i.e. we were on a vaca before being pregnant and we were playing around and i licked his face as he had done to me the previous week and he slapped my face, i went to the bathroom and cried and he was saying that i was taking it the wrong way)...fast forward to being pregnant and him having a "hard time having sex" with me. I find an account of his where he pays women on webcams. I technically think that's cheating since he's paying women for a sexual service. I also feel like i'm the one who does all the household chores even after I make a stink and ask him to help out. (I'm the one who cooks, cleans, does laundry, handles bills and everything else to make the household run smoothly...oh and i take care of his daughter from a previous relationship).
Ok back on track. After our DD was born and the 6 weeks were up we were starting to have a great sex life..i even dressed up for him and did just about anything he wanted (yet another issue, i can count on 1 hand how many times he's pleasured me in the 4 years we've known each other, it's always an issue for him so i've given up on even wanting it)....so after me thinking we're having a great sex life, I find he's highly active online with the paying women on webcams! To me that says that I'm not enough for him even tho he claims that I am. After 4 months of constantly hearing "sorry i'll stop" I stoppped believing his lies and asked him how he would feel if i were to talk to another guy the way he does to those women and his response "I don't think it would bother me"....After being so frustrated by this statement I began chatting online with other people and eventual I connected with one person in particular and we live close to each other so we started meeting up. Nothing sexual, just getting to know each other (he's married & has kids).
This is my predicament. I'm in this marriage where I feel like I'm going no where and I'm not totally happy but I'm complaicent about leaving though because I'm a stay at home mom and not financially in a position to be on my own. I have been looking for jobs and just got a part time job, but not enough to support myself and my son. This is where i feel bad about leaving my husband and putting the burden on him to pay me child support bc i know the hell he went thru w custody and child support for his daughter. Am I just too sympathetic to other people to not put my own needs first? I also feel bad bc it's not like he's a terrible person, but we constantly fight lately and when a stressful situation arose where our son was choking (he has a sensitive gag reflex so it happens frequently) he got wildly upset and wasn't making the sitaution any better and he raised his hand to me while holding our son. i just feel like it's those little things that disrepect me and I don't want my son growing up seeing those things and learning to disrespect women....I'M SO TORN!
I feel like there are times when it is nice to be a family, but I still can't get over the constant lying about his online activities. There have been times where I'm cooking dinner, managing to occupy our son and help his daughter with homework while he sneeks up stairs to be with women he pays for online......wow i rambled. Suggestions? I guess i'm torn because I'm afraid of damaging my son growing up in a separated situation (I've seen what it did to his daughter altho i'm nothing like the ex), but I don't think it's entirely healthy for us to continue living a lie.
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Re: Lurking and looking for advice.
You are not in a healthy relationship. You don't want to teach your son or your step-daughter that is how you treat women. You need to get out and not worry about him paying child support. That is one of the risks you take when you have a child.
As for the rest of the stuff you said? You're being a hypocrite. You're getting mad at him for talking to women on webcam, yet it's okay for you to do it just because he did first? Does he know you've actually been meeting up with this guy? What about his wife? Does she know? Even if it isn't sexual I still think it's inappropriate.
First of all, he's a total douche for talking to women on a webcam. Completely unhealthy and unnacceptable behavior. You've asked him to stop, he obviously won't (I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he claims he has a sexual addiction??). Do you want to continue to live with a man who blatantly disrespects you?
The other issue is the physical abuse. He raised his hands to you in front of your child? Wow. You are wondering if you will damage your son by separating? What about the example he is seeing of you two together? I would say that is FAR worse than growing up in a broken home.
Lastly, you are a hypocrite. You met up with a married man you met online? Completely and totally innappropriate. Two wrongs don't make a right.
You are obviously unhappy and the relationship is unhealthy. Why are you staying?
It's very clear that you aren't happy so why stay in a relationship like that? If you are so unhappy now, it will only get worse. You will begin to resent him and then one of you will begin being unfaithful (if that hasn't already happened). You're young, do you want to live like this the rest of your life? This relationship is going to end sometime, might as well be now when your DS doesn't know any different.