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Natural Birth
people inviting themselves to the birth
So I was talking to my mom this morning about our natural birth plan (which, btw, she thinks all that preparation isn't necessary because your body will "just know what to do" and shouldn't I do what the doctor wants) and that we'll be hiring a doula to help DH and I out and she agreed it would be nice to have help and, of course, she'll be there too. And that, I might just end up "needing my mom and not all those other people".
I love my mom and I know because she had c-sections, she really wants to watch a baby be born, but if she's keeps saying things that puts down a drug-free birth and she really isn't "getting it". Frankly, I would rather it just be my husband and the doula as they're both have very calm personalities. Luckily, I just started my 2nd trimester, so we have some months to iron this out.
Has this happened to anyone? Any advice would be appreciated.
BFP #1 05/11/10 Natural m/c 05/17/10
BFP #2 12/07/10 Natural m/c 12/12/10
BFP #3 01/21/11 Taking Prometrium, Baby Aspirin, and two injections of heparin a day
Lightning Bug was born a healthy and happy 7lbs 14oz on 9/20/211
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Re: people inviting themselves to the birth
totally agree with this. you are having this baby; your mom isn't. so you need to whatever will make you most comfortable. i would bring it up sooner rather than later so that your mom has time to adjust her expectations.
I was actually talking to my mom today about the slim possibility of her being here at the time I'm giving birth. She says, "That would be really cool if you had it while I was down there." I said, "Yeah, so then you can watch Noah!" She says, "Well, I might want to be in there with you."
Umm.. so do I not have a say in this then? lol I said, "Umm, well... you will be watching Noah! Unless it's during daycare hours or something." And she wasn't having it but I just dropped it. I mean seriously... you're not even willing to help us out by watching your own grandson overnight if I end up having to go in to the hospital at some odd hour? I can never tell with her... it's like she's so passive agressive, she makes all these negative comments in "joke" form. And it doesn't even matter if she needs to be home with Noah or not; she's restricted to the waiting room and if DH needs anything from her, then he'll come and let her know. But I cannot take her sarcastic attitude in the room with me. No way. Not going to happen. I don't care if she likes it or not. She doesn't understand the preparation that goes into "prepared" natural childbirth either. Yes, she gave birth to my brother and I naturally but I wouldn't exactly call it "prepared." I think she took a class but I don't even know what kind of class and she certainly never had anything good to say about either of her birth experiences.
Matthew Kevin
7/31/83-7/20/11
Met 1/8/00
Engaged 4/21/06
Married 9/29/07
Two beautiful legacies: Noah Matthew (2 yrs) and Chloe Marcella (8 mos)
Day Three
If your mom's presence might stress you out during labor, that can slow down or stall your labor. It's important that you start setting boundaries with her now or she'll continue to impose upon you in other ways after lo is born. It makes me crazy to hear when family members presume they should be present for someone else's birth.
I gave birth in a hospital with a midwife. My mom had two natural childbirths over 30 years ago, but pretty much because drugs weren't really an option for her at the time. She was nervous about the idea that I would not be under an OB's care. I really wanted to invite my mom to be present for the birth, so when I did I told her that there had to be some ground rules. I told her that I could not have any comments from "the peanut gallery" because I was going to be doubting myself enough as it is and if she was there questioning the midwife or me that I would lose it, and I didn't want to have a memory of my child's birth that involved me getting angry with my mom and asking her to leave the room. She said she understood. I also invited my mom to come with me on the hospital tour and for a "meet the midwives" evening at the hospital. I think she raised her hand to ask more questions than any of the other expectant moms and dads, lol! But it was the best thing because after that night she felt a lot less anxiety about my choice. In the end, having her in the room for my son's birth was wonderful. She didn't say or do much (probably because I had scared her into keeping her mouth shut!) but just knowing she was there to witness his birth was comforting to me.
So my point is, if you want to have your mom there, lay down the ground rules and be clear that if she breaks them you will have to ask her to leave the room. But if you don't want her there, there is nothing wrong with you telling her that you would rather have privacy. She's bound to have her feelings about that, but she will have to learn to get over it. She's not entitled to be there and it's your birth experience and you and DH get to set the terms. Like PP said, be kind, but direct.
Thanks, everyone! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one in this awkward situation. My mom has been pressuring me about being in the room when I give birth for years and it's always bothered me. My personal opinion is that if you're not a trained professional or weren't present at the conception, you don't need to be in the room.
It'd be different if I weren't married to a wonderfully supportive man. We've gone through two miscarriages in the last year (one started on our wedding night), so this birth means so much to us on so many levels. I want my husband to be able to be as active as he wants to be as well. We both have this funny vision of him craning to get a view of the baby being born because mom is front and center. Or him going to cut the umbilical cord and her asking if she could do it.
DH's mom really wanted to be there but we just kept reminding her that we wanted it to be just us. She eventually understood but occasionally mentioned it, mostly from wishful thinking.
It really doesn't matter how she feels. This is your birth.
We MUST have the same Mom and have been seperated at birth! As much as I love the idea of my mother being there, she often attempts to "steal the show" and I just don't know if it's worth the anxiety of having to put up with her. It's also important to DH and I that this be just about us. Too long of an explaination to go into detail but DH isn't home very often but we KNOW he will be here for this birth. We don't know if that will ever be possible again if we decide to have other children so we're wanting to make the most of this and our time together. Anyway...My mom actually said to me "I expect to be apart of your birth plan" and I promptly replied "I think you need to lower your expectations." She constantly insists that she is at least going to be in the waiting room even if I labor for hours on end but personally this just stresses me out. It makes me feel like I have to hurry or worry about her getting bored. I know the "we don't really want you there" conversation is iminent but I'm having such a hard time finding ways to phrase it without feeling rude or guilty. Ok I didn't mean to write so much and hijack your post! Just wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone.