Is this unreasonable?

cynnnabun · March 2011

My ex and I never went to court or anything. We just came up with a deal that works for us, and for 5 years, it's worked.

He gets her Mon, Tues,Fri after school. Weekends depend on him. If he calls and wants to see her and we don't have plans, she goes. Occasionally she spends the night on a Friday night or something.

He asked if she could sleep over 2x this week, during the week. I said no, it's a school night. (She doesn't go to school until noon.)

He's been flipping out in texts for days now telling me that's ridiculous that he can bring her home in the morning before school, whatever whatever.

IDC what time she goes to school, I don't see why she needs to sleep over on a school night. I've never said no to a weekend sleep over. That's what weekends are for.

IDK what the "norm" or standard is. This is why sometimes I wish we had gone to court. Is it unreasonable that I don't think she should sleep over on school nights?

Temp552270562505132 · March 2011

It sounds like he wants to be more involved in parenting. Why not let her spend a night or two there? I am sure he realizes its a school night also and will make sure she gets to bed early, does homework, etc.

While you might view it as a "sleepover".... he views it as "why doesn't she ever get to sleep at my house"..... I'd go to court and get things in writing. Nothing prevents him from just taking her whenever he wants. Not saying he will, but if he did, you'd really have no legal recourse.

And it sounds like he's getting upset too. Do you really have a real concern about her staying overnight there, or is it just more of a control and letting go type thing? Trust me I've had to let go of a lot so I am not flaming, but sometimes that is what is in the child's best interest. (to be able to spend nights with dad too)

cynnnabun · March 2011

kristinhart511:
It sounds like he wants to be more involved in parenting. Why not let her spend a night or two there? I am sure he realizes its a school night also and will make sure she gets to bed early, does homework, etc.
While you might view it as a "sleepover".... he views it as "why doesn't she ever get to sleep at my house"..... I'd go to court and get things in writing. Nothing prevents him from just taking her whenever he wants. Not saying he will, but if he did, you'd really have no legal recourse.

And it sounds like he's getting upset too. Do you really have a real concern about her staying overnight there, or is it just more of a control and letting go type thing? Trust me I've had to let go of a lot so I am not flaming, but sometimes that is what is in the child's best interest. (to be able to spend nights with dad too)

Unfortunately, she doesn't sleep well there. He lives with his mom and younger brother and the 3 of them live like they have no idea what time it is. She usually goes to bed late, 11pmish and then his mom wakes her up at 7 just by talking, drying her hair, etc. I've witnessed it. Now, I haven't said this to him. Because his response will be "Oh well I'll make sure she goes to sleep."

So she comes home miserable. And on a Saturday, I can deal with that. But I don't think it's necessary on a school night. And honestly, she sleeps over there on Fridays whenever he wants. It's not like I limit him. He's 24, so most nights he wants to go out and doesn't WANT her to sleep there.

To me, it just seems like things are a power struggle. Like because I said no, he's going to make this a big deal.

I think she should stick to her routine and schedule during the week. It makes it easier for me when she's going to school. And it's not like I deny him time with her. IDK.

cbbc · March 2011

I think one overnight during the week is fine. Be happy he wants to be involved and actively parent. Try it out and see how it goes.

ETA- I just read your other post. I would still try it once. Let him know how important it is for her to get a goodnight's sleep and if she comes home miserable, tell him it didn't work.

kmartinez80 · March 2011

You could save yourself a lot of stress and frustration if you just get a CO put in place. I understand it costs money to do this, but everyone is protected and you don't have to deal with angry texts or phone calls or whatever from the Ex; everyone knows the rules and expectations of the situation.

katieisawesome · March 2011

kmartinez80:
You could save yourself a lot of stress and frustration if you just get a CO put in place. I understand it costs money to do this, but everyone is protected and you don't have to deal with angry texts or phone calls or whatever from the Ex; everyone knows the rules and expectations of the situation.

It doesn't really cost much (if anything) if you go into it amicably without attorneys fighting it out.

I'd recommend having an order and a regular schedule - as much for your own sanity as your child's. Children love predictability. When things change suddenly, they have a hard time with it. Letting visitation be this willy-nilly whenever we want arrangement probably isn't serving the child in the best way possible.

I think flexibility is valuable, but routine is best for kids.

cynnnabun · March 2011

katieisawesome:
kmartinez80:
You could save yourself a lot of stress and frustration if you just get a CO put in place. I understand it costs money to do this, but everyone is protected and you don't have to deal with angry texts or phone calls or whatever from the Ex; everyone knows the rules and expectations of the situation.

It doesn't really cost much (if anything) if you go into it amicably without attorneys fighting it out.
I'd recommend having an order and a regular schedule - as much for your own sanity as your child's. Children love predictability. When things change suddenly, they have a hard time with it. Letting visitation be this willy-nilly whenever we want arrangement probably isn't serving the child in the best way possible.
I think flexibility is valuable, but routine is best for kids.

I agree. Now I have to figure out how to bring this up to him, without him getting defensive and assuming I'm trying to screw him or something. Thanks Ladies.

Temp552270562505132 · March 2011

cynnnabun:
katieisawesome:
kmartinez80:
You could save yourself a lot of stress and frustration if you just get a CO put in place. I understand it costs money to do this, but everyone is protected and you don't have to deal with angry texts or phone calls or whatever from the Ex; everyone knows the rules and expectations of the situation.

It doesn't really cost much (if anything) if you go into it amicably without attorneys fighting it out.
I'd recommend having an order and a regular schedule - as much for your own sanity as your child's. Children love predictability. When things change suddenly, they have a hard time with it. Letting visitation be this willy-nilly whenever we want arrangement probably isn't serving the child in the best way possible.
I think flexibility is valuable, but routine is best for kids.
I agree. Now I have to figure out how to bring this up to him, without him getting defensive and assuming I'm trying to screw him or something. Thanks Ladies.

When doing business, make sure you get everything in writing, especially when dealing with friends. I live by those words. So use that to explain this to him.

Tell him - hey it's nothing personal, but we need to get it set on the record, let's sit down and hash this out so we dont have to pay for attorneys, and go get it put in a court order. Also they will do a child support order too if you want, and even if you've had no problem with this, it will protect you in the future if he tries to do anything.

And let him know on no uncertain terms that if he gets nasty you will not hesitate to involve lawyers, but if you guys are nice, everyone saves money.

Temp552270562505132 · March 2011

And also, I think one overnight on a school night is fine. My son is a wreck for two days- totally off his schedule when he comes back after his dad's weekend time every other weekend. I hate it. But my pediatrician said- nothing he does will have long term effects at all, you can't control it, so there is no sense in getting worked up. Just keep the routine the same at your house, that is all you can do.

It's inevitable. And if he really wanted to, he could probably take you to court and get another overnight. It's common. So just work it out. That's what I've learned. Some things- you just have to let go of. It sucks, but it's reality.

sorry about her sleeping issues coming back home. i am big on sleep schedules so i know how frustrating it can be having a miserable kid.

Raspberry807 · March 2011

we have never gone to court either and did our own parenting agreement. I think if this happened with us, I'd let him try it one time and go from there. suggest a bedtime based on what she normally does during the week and let him have at it. if it works, that's great and they got more time together. and if not, then hopefully realizes it's not a good idea to do it during the week.

eta: our "norm" for my bf's daughter is for her to only spend the night every other weekend. she visits one evening per week but doesn't sleep over.

KaliChick · March 2011

Not a single mom but I do work with kids.

I'd say try it out and let it go for awhile. I assume your daughter is in Kinder. I would let him take her overnight and if she's miserable (sucks for you) take her to school anyway. You will know within a couple of weeks if it's effecting her school work (teacher will notice right away as well .. in fact you might want to give the teacher a heads up). If it does, then you have a reasonable thing to go back at dad with "the teacher has noticed a change in her behavior/schoolwork on the days after she's slept at your house. She's mentioned she seems tired, irritable, can't focus ... whatever the issue might be. Maybe it would be best if she sleeps at my house or do you think you could try working on putting her to bed at X time?"

It might prevent the power struggle.

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