Am I being too harsh?

almostjennifer · March 2011

Yesterday DD went to a day camp (it's spring break here) and loved it. I was up in the air about whether to send her again today (she wasn't signed up, but they said she could just show up).

Then yesterday evening she was naughty, I sent her to her room but she wouldn't stay in there. After coming out 3-4 times I told her if she came out again she would NOT be able to go to the day camp again today. She came out again.

Now she is crying and BEGGING to go and I feel bad. So do I stick to my guns or give in??

ali-1411 · March 2011

She's only 4? I don't think punishments should carry over to the next day. But you've already told her she can't go so I think you're stuck.

kacelle · March 2011

ali-1411:
She's only 4? I don't think punishments should carry over to the next day. But you've already told her she can't go so I think you're stuck.

This. My child development professors always said to make sure that discipline was carried out on the same day, preferably within minutes of the event occurring, so that the child associates the undesirable action with the discipline. They recommend this until seven or eight years old.

Having said that, I wouldn't give in now. You're not being harsh; you're teaching your daughter that you follow through with what you say.

Andrewsgal · March 2011

ali-1411:
She's only 4? I don't think punishments should carry over to the next day. But you've already told her she can't go so I think you're stuck.

This you totally messed up with that threat, carrying something overr to the next day is not really good for a 4 year old, but you did so you have to stick to it. Next time think before you threaten something like this.

Liz342 · March 2011

kacelle:

ali-1411:
She's only 4? I don't think punishments should carry over to the next day. But you've already told her she can't go so I think you're stuck.

This. My child development professors always said to make sure that discipline was carried out on the same day, preferably within minutes of the event occurring, so that the child associates the undesirable action with the discipline. They recommend this until seven or eight years old.

Having said that, I wouldn't give in now. You're not being harsh; you're teaching your daughter that you follow through with what you say.

This is interesting to me. I think the punishment if fine and I'd follow through but I get what is being said above.

My DD won't stay in her bed during naptime. We have given up hope that she will go to sleep (but she still does sometimes) and we tell her she HAS to stay in bed. Usually when she stays in her bed she will end up falling asleep. We have been telling her she will get a treat after dinner if she stays in bed and won't get one if she doesn't. It works somewhat, but there are still many days where she still gets out of bed.

She does understand though and I quiz her about 100x before going to bed. She knows what she's supposed to do and that she won't get a treat if she gets out of bed. When she gets up I will say "you napped, what does that mean" and she'll say "I get a treat!" and I do the same when she doesn't stay in bed, I remind her she won't get a treat and she knows.

I wonder what they would say about this because it's not an immediate punishment.....

susanmosley · March 2011

Agreeing w/ pps. You have to follow through now (but your threat/punishment really wasn't appropriate). I'm sorry for both of you! Can she go tomorrow?

Mrs.Hizzo · March 2011

I'm in the minority with Liz, but I don't find this all that inappropriate, either. Four is not two, after all, it's not like their attention spans are so short that they can't remember actions and consequences from a few hours before. Finn went through this phase where he would wet his pants when we put him in time out, on purpose because he was mad. Nothing worked until I told him that I was doing too much laundry, and he would only be getting one pair of pants a day. So then the next time he wet his pants in time out, I didn't say much about it and just gave him some dry underwear, but when he asked to play outside later, I told him unfortunately he couldn't go outdoors without pants and he'd already gone through his one pair for the day. And we stayed in. The next day we went through the same thing, only he had to stay home with me while DH took Clay to run errands. We never had a problem with it after that. So while I would never have threatened no camp because I wouldn't want my child to miss something I'd already paid for, I don't necessarily think it's ineffective.

almostjennifer · March 2011

What would you have done? She had already lost TV for the day and as it was 4 pm, there weren't any more activities yesterday that I could take away as a consequence. Staying in her room was my final recourse and it wasn't working as she wouldn't stay in there.

She'll be 5 in six weeks, if that makes a difference.

almostjennifer · March 2011

Mrs.Hizzo:
I'm in the minority with Liz, but I don't find this all that inappropriate, either. Four is not two, after all, it's not like their attention spans are so short that they can't remember actions and consequences from a few hours before. Finn went through this phase where he would wet his pants when we put him in time out, on purpose because he was mad. Nothing worked until I told him that I was doing too much laundry, and he would only be getting one pair of pants a day. So then the next time he wet his pants in time out, I didn't say much about it and just gave him some dry underwear, but when he asked to play outside later, I told him unfortunately he couldn't go outdoors without pants and he'd already gone through his one pair for the day. And we stayed in. The next day we went through the same thing, only he had to stay home with me while DH took Clay to run errands. We never had a problem with it after that. So while I would never have threatened no camp because I wouldn't want my child to miss something I'd already paid for, I don't necessarily think it's ineffective.

I hadn't paid for it yet. Wink

MAprincess · March 2011

Liz342:
kacelle:

ali-1411:
She's only 4? I don't think punishments should carry over to the next day. But you've already told her she can't go so I think you're stuck.

This. My child development professors always said to make sure that discipline was carried out on the same day, preferably within minutes of the event occurring, so that the child associates the undesirable action with the discipline. They recommend this until seven or eight years old.

Having said that, I wouldn't give in now. You're not being harsh; you're teaching your daughter that you follow through with what you say.

This is interesting to me. I think the punishment if fine and I'd follow through but I get what is being said above.

My DD won't stay in her bed during naptime. We have given up hope that she will go to sleep (but she still does sometimes) and we tell her she HAS to stay in bed. Usually when she stays in her bed she will end up falling asleep. We have been telling her she will get a treat after dinner if she stays in bed and won't get one if she doesn't. It works somewhat, but there are still many days where she still gets out of bed.

She does understand though and I quiz her about 100x before going to bed. She knows what she's supposed to do and that she won't get a treat if she gets out of bed. When she gets up I will say "you napped, what does that mean" and she'll say "I get a treat!" and I do the same when she doesn't stay in bed, I remind her she won't get a treat and she knows.

I wonder what they would say about this because it's not an immediate punishment.....

Just because she can repeat it back to you does not mean she truly understands the cause and effect. The child development professor is correct that her brain has not developed to that level yet. I agree with the pps that suggest that the most effective punishments (for the long term) need to take place immediately for a child this young, but you need to stick to your guns when you do make these decisions.

axr8111 · March 2011

If she was 10, I'd say you are not too harsh stick with it...but at 4... I don't think she can put the two together. Punishment needs to be more immediate at least for a another year or more.

srhartline · March 2011

Stick to your guns! I once made my daughter stay home from her best friends birthday party because she lied to my face. (She never did it again!) If you give in she will not learn her lesson. Remind her to behave today and she can go tomorrow. Good Luck!

J&A2008 · March 2011

I don't think "stay in your room" is an appropriate punishment. Was there a timeline given? A timer set? How long did you expect her to just sit in her room, and what was the lesson there?

almostjennifer · March 2011

J&A2008:

I don't think "stay in your room" is an appropriate punishment. Was there a timeline given? A timer set? How long did you expect her to just sit in her room, and what was the lesson there?

Yup. I set the timer on the stove. I reset it everytime she came out.

J&A2008 · March 2011

almostjennifer:
J&A2008:

I don't think "stay in your room" is an appropriate punishment. Was there a timeline given? A timer set? How long did you expect her to just sit in her room, and what was the lesson there?

Yup. I set the timer on the stove. I reset it everytime she came out.

How long? They recommend a minute per years old - so 4 minutes. She couldn't stay in her room for 4 minutes?

I'm not trying to get on your case. I actually think that if she was acting up at the summer camp, I would use staying home the next day as a consequence of not listening/following the rules of camp, whatever. I just don't know that I would use staying home as a consequence for not staying in her room, unless it was for the 4 minute time limit, since that might be an unreasonable expectation (that she would stay in her room for a long time) given her age.

ETA: I thought she acted up at camp. No, I wouldn't keep her from camp (I know it's too late now) because it's a special thing and unrelated to her behavior at home. Since she was acting up at home, I'd probably move her bedtime a half hour early and hope that with more sleep she'd be better behaved the next day.

HarrietNJMommy · March 2011

If that's the consequence, you need to follow through. Otherwise she won't know you mean business.

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