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Trouble TTC
The Bump Editors
member
Worst thing said about TTTC? & what do you wish people would say?
The Bump Editors
member
in Trouble TTC
We're writing an article about the ups and downs of TTC/TTTC, and we want to know your thoughts... what's the worst thing anyone has said to you about TTC/TTTC? On the flip side, what do you wish people would say instead?
Post to this board with your thoughts, opinions, wants, etc. Or if you feel more comfortable discussing privately, feel free to email echu@theknot.com.
Thanks!
Post to this board with your thoughts, opinions, wants, etc. Or if you feel more comfortable discussing privately, feel free to email echu@theknot.com.
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Worst thing said about TTTC? & what do you wish people would say?
I personally haven't told many people. Really only my closest friends know and I've just "come out" to them recently. The few I have told seem to be quick to tell me about "so and so who had trouble but did X and got pregnant." I know they are just trying to be helpful and *fix* my problem, but I'm working with my RE. I have a medical issue. Taking musinex, not using tampons, adopting, etc are not things I am interested in hearing.
What I wish people would do instead is just say they are sorry and maybe offer a hug if we are close.
Diagnosed PCOS 2/07, TTC #1 since 8/09
11/10 - Clomid Round 1 = BFN
12/10 - Clomid Round 2 = BFN
1/11 - Voluntary Break = BFN (duh)
2/11 - Clomid Round 3 = BFN
3/11 - Femara + IUI = BFP * Beta#1=56 * Beta#2=266
*Cautiously expecting baby girls on November 28, 2011*
I have to say the worst thing said to me is to for both my husband and I to lose weight and THEN we will get PG. Um, no. That hurts hard.
I think the best thing to say is not to say anything. Just say, good luck on your journey and offer a listening ear. We are not expecting others to understand and we certainly don't want to hear what worked for Susie Jane down the street. I don't care.
This is one of the main reasons only select family members and close friends know about our IF.
I haven't told th at many people actually but one person I did tell said this:
"Wouldn't you rather just settle for being the cool aunt? My boys adore you."
It took me about 2 weeks to speak to her again. I know she didn't mean it the way it came across but it was like a punch in the gut.
I think one of the best things for all to remember is that most of us are in a heightened state of awareness - we see babies, pregnant teenagers, etc...everywhere. Add drugs and hormones to this State and it is easy to get into troubled waters if anyone say the slightest thing wrong.
My most sincere advice would be to say nothing. Just nod and agree that drugs are awful, weight gain is the worst, and yes - babies are mocking you. However crazy or over the top, just be quiet and supportive. A hug and an "i'm sorry" is always good, too.
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
SHUT UP. That might be the worst one I've heard yet. Awful.
And Ignorant.
Who said this to you?
~TTC since 01/09~
~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
~BFN - 02/11~
~IUI #1 03/15/11~
BFP 3/28/2011
Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.
I keep hearing "I just know it's going to happen for you!" and it makes me cringe. Of course I want it to happen, and I know my friends want it to happen too, but the fact is that none of us know if it's going to happen. I may never get pregnant again. There's no way to "just know" that someone's going to get pregnant, and it actually hurts me more than it helps.
And ditto the stupid advice. Someone told me to have sex every other day and we'd get pregnant. I'm not stupid, I know what it takes to conceive. Unfortunately my body has other ideas.
Blog
Worst thing-- It will happen when you stop trying. I can't stop trying because I do not ovulate. I need the RE to help with ovulating so not trying is not an option for me.
What I wish people would say is nothing. I think about it all the time without other people bringing it up too. When I am with other people I just want to try and forget about it for a few minutes.
Like PPs have said, people telling me to relax. Or people telling me that it will happen once I start the adoption process. I wish they would just say they were sorry, that they would keep us in their thoughts, and that they are always here to listen.
Also --sorry, Bump Editors, but I wish you would stop running articles like "get pregnant in three months."
The worst thing ever said to me is "maybe it's a sign you shouldn't have children."
The best thing my friends do for me is ask questions without prompting and just offer support. And even though my two closest friends have had no issues getting pregnant and are both moms of little ones, they have never left me out, made comments about me not understanding anything mom-related, or any of the taboo what not to say to someone trying comments.
my sil. also said that the reason my re gives me hope is because he makes money off of peoples hope and treatments.
ironic part is she has endo too. ive never been pg and shes miscarried but has two kids. so why does my endo make me genetically defunct and hers doesnt
*~ My Blog ~*
Bad things to say:
-Yesterday my friend said: "Well, we aren't really trying to get pg but we aren't preventing either, so I guess you and I are in the same boat." I have been actively trying for a year and a half and have spent 9 months on fertility meds, get my blood drawn 4 times a month, and have gone in for IUI's, trigger shots, and an HSG. We are NOT in the same boat.
-"I know a girl who tried to get pregnant for 7 years and then finally did." This is not comforting to me. I don't want to wait 5+ more years.
-"It will happen one day." How do you know this?
-And of course the typical "just relax and don't stress." I did have a month or two where I wasn't very stressed and I didn't get pg then either.
What TO say:
-"I've been thinking about you and praying for you lately."
-"I can't imagine what you are going through right now."
-"I'm here to listen when you are having a rough day."
I also dont like hearing people say " just relax" , " it'll happen when it's supposed to happen", or " maybe it's not meant to happen"
I'd love for people just to offer a kind listening ear, a hug, and to help me get my mind off things, ( I could really use a girls night out that didn't involve drowning my sorrows)!
I totally agree.
Diagnosed PCOS 2/07, TTC #1 since 8/09
11/10 - Clomid Round 1 = BFN
12/10 - Clomid Round 2 = BFN
1/11 - Voluntary Break = BFN (duh)
2/11 - Clomid Round 3 = BFN
3/11 - Femara + IUI = BFP * Beta#1=56 * Beta#2=266
*Cautiously expecting baby girls on November 28, 2011*
Things I wish no one would say:
"Just relax!"
"You're trying too hard"
"Just don't think about it and it'll happen!"
"Just have sex on the 13th and 14th of the month and you'll be preggers in no time! Worked for me on our first cycle trying!"
"Why don't you adopt?" - Excuse me? What makes you more worthy of carrying a child? That's the message I get when people say this.
Things I wish they'd say:
"I'm sorry you're struggling, if you need someone to talk to I'm here"
DO NOT offer advice unless you've been in this situation.
And if you don't know what to say, then say nothing.
I think the worst thing I ever been told is straight up "Are you infertile thats why you can't get pregnant?" what in the world! why would someone just suggest that! I mean I was still in the early stages of trying and just because we didnt get knocked up right after getting married it doesnt' necessarily mean I'm infertile and if I am that is just so rude to assume so fast.
My advice? well I don't want people feeling pity for me anyways so I don't need a hug like they already lost hope for me too. Thats the last thing I want, if I'm losing hope I need someone boosting my confidence but not by saying "oh just relax it'll happen." My favorite one is "girl just keep having sex! either way atleast you're having a great time!" lol this honestly made me smile to some it might be offensive but I like being cheered up not down.
All of this.
I hate when people who got pregnant on their first try tell me "Don't worry, it will happen when you least expect it." Maybe YOU weren't expecting it because you tried for a month. But I am taking my basal body temp. at 5:20am every day, DH and I watch our caffeine and alcohol intake, we can't use our hot tub due to MFI, we get daily Exp. of Benefits from the insurance company, I'm peeing on OPKs a few times a day for a week, I've spent a fortune on HPTs....of course I'm expecting it to happen someday. That's why I am doing all of this!
"It will happen when the time is right" is my least favorite. Oh, so then the time is right for all those idiots on Teen Mom who treat their babies like a toy that can be tossed aside? The time is right for people who are doing drugs and end up giving birth to babies who need detoxing? The time is right for my friend who got drunk and KU by a guy she had been dating for 2 months because they were too drunk and lazy to use a GD condom?
Thanks for clearing that up, I guess I just have it together too much for the time to be right for me then.
its joe mauer. he plays for the mn twins and is the best catcher in baseball. and hes super fine
Worst things:
When your friends that you are going to for support tell you on more than one occasion that if you need there uterus that they are more than willing to carry a child for you. Um.. yeah thanks but the last time I check my uterus was not my problem.
My mother "Well no one else in our family had problems getting pregnant I don't understand why you are." Thanks mom please don't say that to my H's face since we know he has a morph problem.
Also please don't judge me or give me advice if you have never been through IF. (Meaning you have tried for over a year and/or had to seek medical help)
I just wish people would take the time to understand IF. Instead of giving advice on something you really don't know much about, please don't say anything at all and if you want to support me just be there for me when I need to talk to someone other than my DH.
The best support for me is when I get messages from friends or family saying that they are thinking about me and want to know how things are going. I makes me feel like people do care.
TTC Since 2/2009
2/2010 - 5/2010 Testing with OBGYN
8/2010 First RE Appointment
11/2010 Second Opinion RE Appointment
12/2010 Clomid + IUI #1 = BFN
1/2011 Clomid + IUI #2 = BFN
2/2011 Clomid + IUI #3 = BFN
5/2011 IVF #1, ET 6/2, Beta 6/15 = BFN
8/2011 FET ET 9/12 = BFN :0(
On a break to save money.
1/2012 IVF #2 ER 1/12, ET 1/15, Beta 1/27 = BFFN
4/2012 FET ET ??/?? =
p/saif welcome
I can't really offer anything different. I agree with pp about not saying anything, and just acknowledging that it sucks and giving a hug or listening ear. I expect to hear the usual relax, it's not your time, so and so did this and it worked stuff. But the one thing I can't tolerate is judgement.
We finally told our closest friends about our struggle right before I had my lap procedure because we felt like it was time. I told her we would pursue IUIs afterward, and she said, "Why? If it were me I'd give it 6 more months to see if I got pregnant on my own before I did anything like that. But that's just me." She's right, that is her. She has no idea how it feels to struggle. She even acknowledged that she couldn't comprehend it because she got pregnant on month 2 of trying. Then why feel the need to say, if it were me I wouldn't do that, especially when I just poured my heart out about how much it hurt to not have conceived after almost a year?
The biggest advice I can give to someone who has never experienced this, is to think about how the other person is going to react before you speak and give your unwanted opinions.
Ovarian cancer survivor
DH= low motility
2/9/11 lap & hysteroscopy- uterine polyp & scar tissue removed
3/25/11 IUI#1= BFP m/c; D&C at 7w3d (Trisomy 16)
IUIs #2, #3, #4 and #5= BFNs
Onto IVF #1= BFN
FET 4/6/12= 2 extended blasts transferred, with one hatching
Beta 1= 607; Beta 2= 1,564; Beta 3= 24,439; Beta 4= over 64,000
First u/s on 5/10= TWINS! Heartbeats 158 and 160!
It's a boy and a girl!
My Blog
Huge congrats to my beautiful BFPB lmj8284, due June 2012!
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." -FDR
Just relax - we were relaxed the first 6 months
Drink a bottle of wine and have sex - like we haven't tried that
I know it will happen for you - how do you know? My RE doesn't even know.
I had trouble getting pregnant; it took me three months of trying before we got pregnant. 3 months?! You have got to be kidding me.
Saying things behind your back that the person cannot say to your face. My MIL told my close friend that she cannot understand why we are trying so hard and if we would just relaxed it would happen. Luckily my friend had been through IF and set her straigh on the issue.
I appreciate people just listening and not offer advice. Just the fact they are trying to understand how I feel, makes me feel better.
** Our TTC Journey Blog **
** Our Pregnancy Blog **
TTC for over 3 years. After several infertility treatments, we received our first BFP!!
In general, people will often offer an anecdotal story about their cousin's best friend's sister-in-law who was helplessly infertile and then got pregnant as soon as she stopped fertility treatments and stopped "thinking about it." It's true - there are many wonderful anecdotal stories about people who were able to miraculously conceive against all odds and it's awesome that it does happen, but it would be nice if people recognized that among infertiles this is not the norm. I find it ironic how most people's "advice" is either all about how you aren't doing enough (i.e. have you tried xxx..." or that you are doing way too much ("if you stop thinking about it so much, it will happen" and often the same person gives both contradictory suggestions in the same conversation, sometimes in the same sentence.
IVF #1 = BFN
FET #1 = BFN
FET #2 = BFN
IVF #2 = BFP, b/g twins lost at 20w due to partial abruption/PPROM
IVF #3 = c/p 5w2d
Long-shot Clomid/Prednisone cycle before next IVF = BFP, our beautiful, healthy girl born 6/26/13!
~~
TTC again March 2014
FET #3 - May/June 2014 - all embryos arrested before xfer - back to the drawing board...
IVF #4 - July/August 2014
With those looks, it doesn't even matter if he can play well...
Worst:
If your this stressed about tttc you will never be able to handle the stress of being a mom.
Flip Side:
I could only imagine how hard it must be, all the doctors and meds. I wish you didnt have to go thru it. I'm here if you need to someone to talk to or cry to ((HUG))
The worst I got so far is probably uncommon...I was asked if I pray. Being an agnostic I tried to avoid the answer by saying my Mom & MIL pray enough. The person decided not to let the subject go and said "Do you believe in God?" When I tried to say no as polite as possible she went into a rant on how I'm not pregnant because I don't believe and that I need to start praying in order to get KU.
I know there are plenty of people here that are firm believers from one religion or another and they too deal with IF. My husband is a good Catholic, and he has MFI. I felt like screaming at her that this was beyond the dumbest thing I've ever heard. But I just smiled and walked away.
As for what to say; I don't mind my friends and family saying "I'm praying for you" or simply "I"m so sorry you're going thru this".
IUI#4 1/23/13 on 75iu x9 Follistim = BFP then chem preg m/c (Feb 2013)
IUI#5 BFN (April 2013)
S/PAIFW , S/PALW
My Blog
WOW! That's pretty bad! Super rude!!
These gals have nailed it. It's incredibly hurtful when people push solutions, advice, or anecdotes on us. First, I obsessively research IF, and if there's a remotely valid treatment out there, I probably know about it (and if it's not too crazy, I've probably tried it!). Also, no matter how much I relax, stop trying, give it time, or just let it happen, I will not magically lose the cysts on my ovaries and start ovulating. It's not in my head. It's medical. Finally, while IF is common, no two women/couples experience it the same way. As such, stories about couples who have miraculously gotten pregnant after dealing with IF for ___ years don't give me hope, they make me feel like you are brushing off how much we're struggling and hurting.
Instead, friends who have asked on their own how treatments are going, how I'm feeling, how DH is feeling, and if there's anything they can do always make me feel loved and supported. And, as many others have said, while I love to have trusted friends to talk to my TTTC, sometimes it's really, really nice to talk about/do something else!!
I think the hardest thing for me to hear is more from who it came from..my biggest fan, my G-ma! She told me that everything happens for a reason and then when on to talk about my cousin who is battling cancer and that at least my and my DH are healthy and alive...yes, I agree, cancer is horrible, my Dad died from it, and I feel for her, but it doesn't lessen my yearning for wanting to be a mother and I can not for the life of me understand what on the earth the reason why I should not be a mother is!
People just dont get it and dont understand, heck my DH is going through it with me and doesn't understand, so I guess maybe I am being naive thinking the rest of the world would understand....
Beta @ 16dpiui=289
Beta @20dpiui=1309
Beta @24dpiui=3969
IT'S A GIRL..MADELYNN ELIZABETH
Madelynn Elizabeth born 31w6d's due to pre e.
Welcome to the world princess!
3-9-12
3.7lbs/ 17 inches
I would say that I have a hard time when someone tries to put a cheerful spin on it. I was talking to my mom about this recently and she just said, "Well it took a while for me to get pregnant, too. Just enjoy the ride." To which I wanted to reply, "Really? Did you an HSG? Did you have to take 10+ pills a day? Give yourself injections in the stomach? Have blood drawn every day for a week straight at a time?" I know that she has experienced none of these things; if she had, then she would know that there is very little to enjoy about this ride. And then when I was explaining to her that I really missed an activity that I had to cut back on because I'm trying to get pregnant, she says, "Then it's a win-win. If you get pregnant, you'll have a baby, and if not, you can go back to Thai boxing!" Yeah.. that is not a win-win, in my opinion.
Personally, I feel like trying to fix the problem, or trying to put a positive spin on it is like telling us that we do not have a right to be upset or to feel what we are feeling. Like others have said, I would rather just have someone listen, tell me, "Hey, that really sucks. I'm sorry you're going through it." If they really want to cheer me up, then listen, offer support, and then offer a distraction from everything--just hanging out, watching a movie, a funny story.. anything not fertility-related.
TTC since 5/10
Dx: PCOS 12/10
IUI #1 (2/11/11): Metformin + Clomid + Ovidrel = BFN
IUI #2 (3/13/11): Metformin + Gonal-F + Ovidrel = BFP
Beta #1 (15dpo) 460, Beta #2 (17dpo) 829, Beta #3 (19dpo) 1550 u/s #1 (4/12/11): Twins!
I think the worst thing I've heard was after telling a friend about our struggles, her anecdotal story was to tell me about her friends who had made themselves infertile because they were stressing so much about having a baby. *huge eyeroll*
PCOS makes me infertile... but because a lot of people don't know what that is, it's a make-believe problem... therefore, my infertility is all in my head.
Unless you have dealt with IF, I think it's best just to not offer advice to a friend who is dealing with it. Instead, just listen.
I agree with the pp, the 'just relax', or 'it will happen when you stop trying' comments are annoying. But my worst was: "With everything going on in your life right now you shouldn't even be trying, your too stressed, it will never happen."
I'm also not a fan of anyone offering to carry a child for me, and in one particular instance I was accused of blaming my mother for my PCOS and told to get over it.
For me personally, I don't need to talk about it, so saying nothing and just being my friend is enough for me.
Gus Gus
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
August 2012 July Siggy: Pool Baby
Follow The White Rabitt
My friend's SIL told her that her twins were from treatments. My friend called me up and was so excited to tell me, "I just knew those kids weren't natural." She had such a victorious and judgmental tone in her voice too. Not natural? Are they aliens? She was fully aware of my situation at the time.
Then there was the woman who told me about how she went through treatments for three years, and finally just decided to "get pets instead." I know her journey was hard, but hearing her describe her ordeal in full detail after just starting the process was the last thing I needed at that point.
What I wish people would say, "You are going to make a great mom some day no matter how that baby comes into your life.
IUI #1
IUI #2 - Nada (Clomid 50mg, Ovidrel)
IUI #3 - BFN (Clomid 100mg, Ovidrel, Progesterone, and lots of wishing)
IVF #1 - May 2011
PP have covered it well.."stop trying and it will happen" when you don't ovulate isn't very helpful. And I'm not interested in "so and so's" story and how they got pregnant, and I hate it when my friends who have children say, "enjoy your time now, enjoy sleeping in, blah blah blah." That drives me crazy...so, I shouldn't want to have kids because it's a tough job?
The best things my friends can do for me is to just listen when I feel like talking about it, and other than that, just leave it alone.