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Blended Families
Baseball [ractice was good till...
Ok so my SK's are playing baseball this year. I am so stoked! I loved playing softball when I was their age and still love baseball, it's my favorite sport.
Anyway, yesterday was SS9's 1st practice from 7:30 - 9:30 last night. That was fine but thought it was a little late for 9&10 yr olds to be out on a school night (not the point of the post though). BM also brought SS6 with her, which was fine and all to. I was on the bleachers and H and SS6 were in our car watching the practice and playing with all the buttons (there was a slight drizzle and he has strep throat). Well about 8-8:15 BM's BF shows up and they walk to the car. H thought BF was just coming to say hi. All of a sudden BM opens the door and says it's time for SS6 to go home, he can't be out that late (I agree with this completely) Its just the way it was done. SS6 started crying that he didn't want to leave he wanted to spend time with H. H had to take SS6 and put him in BM's car and try to calm him down and remind him that we will see them on Friday.
My whole thing is that she should have told SS6 and H that when BF got there they were going home. That way H could let SS6 know that there was only about 5 more minutes to play or whatever and prepare him better for the goodbye, which isn't always great but is never this bad because we always let them know that in about 20 minutes it's time to go back to BM's house (or how ever long it is).
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Re: Baseball [ractice was good till...
The only issue I see here is that SS threw a tantrum when a parent told him to do something. Your DH should have enforced that SS is to listen to BM and do what he is told. He also should have made it clear that at 6 tantrums will not be tolerated.
1st - Tantrum - SS6 was not kicking and screaming (in the 3yrs I've known SS6, I have never seen him throw a tantrum), he was crying, hugging his dad's neck.
2nd - Are you telling me that you don't tell your kids they only have 5 minutes of playtime left? And that when your child doesn't want to go home with BM or BF and gets upset (because they would rather stay with you) that you stand there and tell them to stop crying and get in whoever's car, that your not going to tolerate them being upset?
H told SS6 that he had to go and H walked SS6 to BM's car and helped him into BM's car and reminded him that he loved him and would see him on Friday. The only time we have an issue with SS6 crying (and this is the 1st he's cried in a while) and being upset is when we have to drop them off at BM's house after our visitation. BM and H both know that SS6 gets upset when H drops him off. Knowing this, (in my opinion) it would have been better for BM to say hey you can play with H until BF gets here and then we have to go home, that way H could remind SS6 that he wasn't staying for the whole practice. SS6 does much better when he knows that time frame (5 min. left or 10 min. left). He still doesn't like it and gets upset but because H has reminded him that they have to go back to BM's at such and such time he is better able to cope (for lack of a better word).
I'm sorry if people disagree with me but I honestly think that even though SS6 didn't need to be out late on a school night she could have come over to the car and said we need to go home in a few more minutes because it's a school night, not just come to the door and say it's time to get out of the car now and go home.
Sorry I agree w/ Phantom. That was still a tantrum he threw not all tantrums are angry some are just manipulative ploys to get what the child wants.
Was your DH not aware of the plan that the child was to be going back to BM's house that night? There are times when you can't give a count down. EVERY PU/DO shouldn't need to be so melodramatic. He should be able to say hello to his mother and goodbye to his father without a long drawn out fuss.
You and your DH like the fuss and play into it. It's the game you all play that says look SS6 loves me so much he cries and clings. You and your DH like it so you allow the game and dramatics happen. At 8-930pm at night after I worked all and and waited at a baseball practice and who knows how her other child was behaving...it's not really the time I'm in the mood for a 6 year old to behave like he's never going to see his father again and I'm the bad guy AGAIN for sticking to a schedule.
He's 6 he should know the routine by now.
I think it's unrealistic to expect a 6 year old to just go with the flow. Of course kids need transition time. As long as BM isn't blaming your DH for SS's reaction, I don't think this is a post-worthy problem. You see it all the time at any playground, park, etc. Next time DH could just say: "You're right, it's getting late. Can I bring him to your car in 2 minutes? I haven't said goodbye yet."
The child didn't get what he wanted. He left with his mom. We always give a count down of some sort. Ok when this is over it's time to go, or when so and so gets here it's time to go, or in you have 5 more minutes and then we have to leave.
And BM's other child was at practice (and doing pretty good too).
This was not a pick up or drop off. It was baseball practice. It was not a scheduled vistitaion. H only has visitation every other weekend. We just moved back to the area in January and H is trying to be involved with his children. Trying to go to practices and games and cub scouts. Which has been hard because BM doesn't tell him when things are unless she thinks it will interfere with his visitation - ie: dont make any plans because they have practice @ this time (and we either don't make plans or we change them). Basically we have to find out everything by going online or calling the school or coach ourselves because she won't tell us where practice is or what time it is. We have to make sure that the coach's have our number and email so we can find out things. He didn't move back only to be involved every other weekend.
We were only there for practice and to support the kids. So yes H was aware that SS6 was going back home with BM and SS6 knew he was going home with his mom too. H and SS6 just didn't know that BM only intended to stay until her BF got there. So when BF arrived H simply thought that he was coming to say hi to SS6. Had no clue that it was time for SS6 to leave.
We would love for SS6 to be able to say goodbye to H and hi to BM without a problem and he has been doing good for the past year or so but it is because H prepares him ahead of time. Reminding him that he loves him and that he will see him at next visitation or at the next event they have.
And during a normal drop off (because we never have a problem picking them up) SS6 gets quiet but he understands that he can call his dad (when BM lets him) and that his dad will call him (when BM answers) and that he will see them at next visitation. Honestly this was the 1st time in a long time that SS6 has cried about having to leave his dad.
At the age of six, I don't think a child should need a countdown. We were biiiig into countdowns when DS was three and four, but he seldom gets them anymore.
To me, it sounds a little like your H is playing into this. It reminds me a little bit of seeing a kid clinging to his mom when she's trying to leave him at school and mom keeps hugging him or whispering byes, love yous, etc.
Your H needs to help his son by not reacting to things like that. If mom comes over and says it's time to go, your H needs to say okay, give him a hug, and say love you, see you next weekend, etc.
It's not a big deal, I just think your H should recognize the role he played in the drama.
I always give my kids a warning of some sort. Especially in this situation because he's leaving early without his brother. He probably expected to stay the whole time.
His situation is further complicated because it sounds like having dad in town is new, and SS is probably really enjoying that and wanting to see him more.
I don't think there would have been a problem at all if H had know that they weren't staying for the whole practice. Again in my opinion it could have all been avoided with 1 sentence from BM: "when BF gets here were are going to go home because it's a school night" When the time came it would have been ok I'll see you Friday. It has always been our routine when ever we have them or see them and they have to go back to BM's that we "warn" them it's almost time. SS6 deals with it better when it's not a sudden thing that we are leaving. We also tell them that it is their BM's turn but they also remind us that BM's turn is 2 weeks long and our turn is only every other weekend and that it's not fair that BM "hogs us" - SS9's own words.
All I hear is "wah wah wah we have to put effort into being involved and BM is a b!tch for not serving the involved info on a silver platter" So what! Lots of blended families have to contact teachers, coaches and doctors indiviually. And this move is relatively new. She's not used to having to share the information and potenially have her decisions questioned. I'm not saying it's right but another point of view.
She could be thinking, I've done a fine job keeping homework, school and practices and other extras in a balance...and he thinks he can waltz in here play Dad of the Year and demand me to hand over the info to look like he's been on board this whole time.
Is it a p!ssing match...yes. You and your H can be above this but just requesting duplicate info be sent. Sometimes just SASE provided to the teachers help grease the wheels to getting the involvement you want.
All I hear is "wah wah wah we have to put effort into being involved and BM is a b!tch for not serving the involved info on a silver platter" So what! Lots of blended families have to contact teachers, coaches and doctors indiviually. And this move is relatively new. She's not used to having to share the information and potenially have her decisions questioned. I'm not saying it's right but another point of view.
I do agree that it is a different point of view. We don't mean to "wah wah wah" Before we moved back she would give us information freely given to show us that H was a horrible dad for not living closer and being involved and that just because H lived 3hrs away didn't mean they weren't going to play football or soccer or baseball or cub scouts. Once we moved all that info got shut off and we started to have to find things out other ways. We don't mind contacting teachers, coaches, doctors or whatever but if she has them it would be nice for her to let us know the event was cancelled rather than turning her phone off and letting us sit there till the person in charge arrived to let us know (this was prior to being able to give people in charge our information).
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I don't know that I've EVER seen someone defend withholding info from the other parent except in cases of abuse. WTF?
So, dad takes the action of moving closer to the son and he should have to deal with her attitude? And you're going to stick up for BM and make fun of dad? I read your one disclaimer that you're "not saying it's right" but you sure seem to be thinking otherwise.
There is a difference between withholding info and having the entitlement attitude of a teenager and it expecting it to be handed to you.
A lot of the OP's posts state "She won't tell us this, She won't tell us about that appointment" But NOT once does she say we were at practice together and H walked himself over and said lets go over the next couple week's schedule and make sure we both have the same dates and times.
Now this could be my reading comprehension or it could be not clearly put in these posts but it seems to me that she and her H are waiting by the phone/email for BM to sponantiously say here is little tony's music lesson schedule, baseball practice and game schedule etc.
Personally, My ex never even bothered to ask what school the children attend let alone if they even receive grades, have friends, take french lessons or gymnastics. Actually, he hasn't seen or called the children in the last 5 years. But lives less than a half an hour away. Should I be sending him updates on the children's lives and schedules so he can brag to his family and friends about how much he knows about the children's lives with out lifting a damn finger to bother to parent or attend?
All I've ever required is he ASK and I'll let him know anything he wants about the children. But when you can't be bothered to ask....why should I hand over Dad of the Year?
I get this OP has an involved father and wants to be included and has a from her persepective a vindictive BM. But where in any of her posts she says He asks?
And she complains that they need to contact coaches, schools and get duplicate info. J&A you and I have been here awhile we have seen a lot of people come and go on this board, are you telling me that you no longer believe in the Father empowering himself by going into the school/coach and introducing himself and handing over a stack of SASE saying please use these to send home any flyers or school communications.
All I did was point out that crying it's not fair BM doesn't tell us without us asking isnt' a vaild complaint and there are ways to get the info they want at the same time the BM does bypassing her altogether if she is such a pill to deal with.
Okay this post has totally spiraled out of the original topic, but for clarification we do ask what they have coming up because we know it affects how we plan our visitations. We have asked her for a schedule and have never gotten one. She normally won't answer the phone and if she does the kids are on speaker phone. She refuses to text H anymore (she used to text on a regular to tell him he was a horrible dad). At one point she asked for our email as a way to better communicate, so we did and she has yet to use it but we don't have hers so we can't email her about stuff.
I wish that H and her could better communicate (because it would make life easier) but it doesn't work out that way. I'm not saying that H is perfect and she isn't, there are mistakes made on both parts. I can honestly say that she probably wishes that H were more like your ex and not involved at all in his childrens lives. All she wants from H is a check each month (she has told him so in the past and that she wishes H was dead and that her BF is a better dad to the kids than H could ever be - I've seen the texts). But those kids are H's life! He doesn't want to be daddy of the year, he just wants to be Daddy. I know that the kids are her life too but its frustrating to keep being pushed in the opposite direction when you are trying to the best you can.
Sweetie, I feel like you've gone off the deep end and unleashed on OP a fury of frustration that was not caused by her. What's up?
Yes, OP said she'd like BM to share info. Based on her responses, and the fact that they were AT PRACTICE, I'd say her DH is being proactive as a dad and not just sitting around waiting for BM to tell him things. I'm sorry you're mad at your deadbeat ex, but that doesn't sound like OP's DH.
I deal with a similar deadbeat NCP, as you know. I do not just feed her info. However, whenever she has asked about school concerts, plays, soccer games, etc. (that she has never showed for) I have freely given her the info and even sent her emailed directions when she said she'd come. Not because I want her there, but for the sake of my SSs, who would have wanted her there.
That is exactly what happened.
Excellent advice from J&A...especially how she modeled what dad can say in case BM pulls this immature, passive aggresseive stunt again. I also read the OP exactly as Littlejen pointed out and am not sure why the PP's are getting so off tangent with OP.
Btw, those that think that 6-year olds don't need heads up when transition is about to occur should brush up on their knowledge of early childhood development. A child at this age is not acting bratty, he/she is simply not developmentally equipped to switch between situations quickly and smoothly without some time for transition/warning. Why do you think kindergarten and 1st grade teachers use visual schedule boards as well as verbal prompts when activity is about to shift to something else? Because they teach a bunch of 6-year olds and they know what they can expect of them when it comes to their developmental maturity.