TTC After a Loss
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*|*| Nightly Confessions |*|*

What's your confession tonight ladies?

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*** Just a reminder -? the Nightly Confessions post is not so much about what you are doing this evening but more to confess something that you did today that you wouldn't tell anyone else.***

Humphrey - the TTCAL mascotimage
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"I'm not telling you it's gonna be easy. I'm telling you it's gonna be worth it." -Art Williams
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
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Re: *|*| Nightly Confessions |*|*

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    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed
    Hold On ....Michael Buble
    MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
    BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
    BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
    BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
    BFP #4 5/8/11
    BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
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    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.
    oh sweetie please dont think this way {{{HUGS}} I know it is so hard  we are here for you  just know that you can talk to us anytime
    Hold On ....Michael Buble
    MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
    BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
    BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
    BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
    BFP #4 5/8/11
    BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
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    I went above and beyond at my job today and took over something that was not my responsibilty - it's turning out great and I want nothing for it... except for karma to give me a take home baby!!! Nice coorelation huh?
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
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    imagekarma7_17:
    I went above and beyond at my job today and took over something that was not my responsibilty - it's turning out great and I want nothing for it... except for karma to give me a take home baby!!! Nice coorelation huh?
    Yes
    Hold On ....Michael Buble
    MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
    BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
    BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
    BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
    BFP #4 5/8/11
    BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
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    imagejen629:
    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed

    I do that you really get a lot out!

    Emily Irene born February 8 2011 gone but not forgotten.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
    image
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    {{{HUGS}}} I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I have had thoughts like this too... Please be safe and let us know if there is anything we can do for you. 

    Emily Irene born February 8 2011 gone but not forgotten.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
    image
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    imagejen629:
    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.
    oh sweetie please dont think this way {{{HUGS}} I know it is so hard  we are here for you  just know that you can talk to us anytime
     
    Thanks Jen. These boards have been a life saver. It's great to recieve support, but it's also really therapeutic to give it. 
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    imagejen629:
    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed
    I usually just add water and shake it up to get it all out. So you're not alone.
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    A little girl was delivering Girl Scout Cookies to my neighbor.  She came to my house by mistake and I pointed her in the right direction, but before she left I bought 4 boxes of cookies from her trunk.  I felt like I was in a drug deal.
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    So the hubs and I moved thid weekend and we did it alone. It was tiring and stressful. We have been unpacking all week and moving furniture and what not. The last two days I have a dull ache in my lower and upper abdomen and am partly convinced it could be a pregnancy symptom. I even mentioned it to DH and he laughed and said he was sore too. I need a glass of wine more than ever!
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    imagelotus88:
    imagejen629:
    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed
    I usually just add water and shake it up to get it all out. So you're not alone.
    yeah but the tubes you cant do that to..I am sure my DH is like why are all these things cut open like I am looking for a treasure or something..lol
    Hold On ....Michael Buble
    MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
    BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
    BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
    BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
    BFP #4 5/8/11
    BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    I had a moment like that a while back - I was so frustrated that I didn't want to be anywhere, not home, no where. It was a momentary feeling and it passed. Big hug to you! And if that thought ever gets overwhelming talk to someone! Take care of yourself!

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    (((hugs)))


    BFP#1 {Cashew} - 9.19.09 EDD 5.26.10
    The day you first lay in my arms, you made my life complete.
    Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
    BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11

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    I triggered last night so I POAS this morning just to see what a BFP would look like.
    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
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    imageCarolee:
    I triggered last night so I POAS this morning just to see what a BFP would look like.
    I have done this beforeEmbarrassed
    Hold On ....Michael Buble
    MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
    BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
    BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
    BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
    BFP #4 5/8/11
    BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    (((HUGS)))

    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    Oh honey - lots and lots of ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) to you!

    PGAL/PAL welcome
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Trying to start our family since 2010
    BFP #1 11.4.10, EDD 7.12.11, HB 12/9/10, MMC 12/27/10; 11w6d
    BFP #2 9.12.12, EDD 5.24.13, Baby Boy Born 5.15.13!!
    My Ovulation Chart
    3 Clomid (100mg) cycles + TI + Trigger = BFN's, Femara + Trigger + IUI#1 = BFN
    Femara + Trigger + IUI#2 = BFP!
    "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~Gandhi
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    imagejen629:
    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed

    I just started doing this too!!!!

    PGAL/PAL welcome
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Trying to start our family since 2010
    BFP #1 11.4.10, EDD 7.12.11, HB 12/9/10, MMC 12/27/10; 11w6d
    BFP #2 9.12.12, EDD 5.24.13, Baby Boy Born 5.15.13!!
    My Ovulation Chart
    3 Clomid (100mg) cycles + TI + Trigger = BFN's, Femara + Trigger + IUI#1 = BFN
    Femara + Trigger + IUI#2 = BFP!
    "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~Gandhi
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    imagekarma7_17:

    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    I had a moment like that a while back - I was so frustrated that I didn't want to be anywhere, not home, no where. It was a momentary feeling and it passed. Big hug to you! And if that thought ever gets overwhelming talk to someone! Take care of yourself!

     

    I'm so, so sorry, Lotus. I've felt that way, too. Please be safe. We're here for you!

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP#1 - 8/27/10 - D&C 10/27/10 @ 13 weeks to Trisomy 18
    Missing our Angel Baby Gabriel
    BFP#2 - 3/18/11 - CP 3/19/11 BFP#3 - 4/27/11 - Due 1/9/12
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    imagejen629:
    I realized how really cheap I am this week..I was watching the Today show this week and saw a segment on cutting open your face wash and lotion bottles with a box cutter to get the rest out and I did that to all my bottles this weekEmbarrassed

    This is actually a really good idea.  I'm going to start doing that!

    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
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    I started South Beach today. It's been less then 24 hours and all I can think about is how badly I want bread, candy something with tons of carbohydrates!

    Mommy to DS#1 7/1/04 and DS#2 6/15/07
    M/C 2/16/10 at 9wks 5 days~ D&C 2/18/10
    BFP#4 5/17/11 C/P.    
    BFP#5 11/30/12 Surprise! DS#3 born 7/29/13

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    lotus88 -- lots of hugs to you, and I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain and sadness right now.

    My confession: I took my temp two times this morning (one at 3:30 when I woke up the first time, and one at 6:30 when I actually got up -- although I was wide awake from 3:30-5:00) and charted the one that would make my chart prettier. I know that the prettiness of my chart will not change the outcome of my cycle, but I still wanted it to look encouraging.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
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    Thanks for all your support. It was just a passing moment. I'm fine. Really. I'm eating a delicious bowl of cocoa pebbles while I bump and watch Community.
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    I went to the market around the corner this evening to get cheese and eggs. Instead I came back home only with strawberry margarita mix, a 6 pack of root beer and 2 donuts.

    ETA: I just chugged down my PNV with my Strawberry Margarita. This is how I roll....

    Natural MCs 2/4/09, 8/22/09 & 4/7/10
    Dx with Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS)
    BFP #4 5/14/12
    5/17/12...1st Betas- 176, P4 3.6
    5/22/12...2nd Betas- 207, P4 6.1 (MC confirmed)
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    imageTapatio:
    I went to the market around the corner this evening to get cheese and eggs. Instead I came back home only with strawberry margarita mix, a 6 pack of root beer and 2 donuts.
     
    haha I love it.
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    I'm on weight watchers right now.....

    so i am shoving as many BBQ chips as i can get down my throat right now before DH gets home....then i gotta brush my teeth so he doesnt smell them on me....i am officially a closet chip-o-holic!

    DC:#1 10/2006 born at 40 weeks (33 weeks PTL)
    DC#2 born silent at 22 weeks 1.11.11
    Dc#3 born vbac 1/2012 <bra DC#4 born VBAC 3/2014
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    Abby7Abby7 member

    I got DH home early tonight due to the temp rise and + OPK and it worked :)...and now I am convinced I feel ovulation pain (which I never get) and the sperm must be right there getting that egg....setting myself up for major disappointment because the last time before tonight was CD10, totally missing my fertile window. Well, I guess it's better than feeling complete frustration and sadness like I did this morning.

    Also, I am saving 5 of my WW points for a package of Peeps tonight instead of side dishes with dinner.

    Pregnancy Ticker  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    Abby7Abby7 member

    imagelotus88:
    Thanks for all your support. It was just a passing moment. I'm fine. Really. I'm eating a delicious bowl of cocoa pebbles while I bump and watch Community.

    I am really glad to hear it :). Sometimes those thing come on fast and strong and then just leave...which is a really good thing.

    Pregnancy Ticker  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    As hard as this is to admit...this ran through my mind too. It's not something that  I would do, but I have def been there. (((hugs))))

    5/9/2013 = Our rainbow was born!!

    08/18/2012 - BFP (Hoping this is our rainbow!)
    06/24/2012 - Loss confirmed at 12 weeks
    12/14/2010 - Loss baby girl at 20 weeks due to Turner Syndrome
    01/2009 - Chemical Pregnancy

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    My Blog

                      

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    imageTapatio:
    I went to the market around the corner this evening to get cheese and eggs. Instead I came back home only with strawberry margarita mix, a 6 pack of root beer and 2 donuts.

    Yes Awesome!

    ~TTC #1 7/1/10~
    BFP#1 10/8/10- Natural m/c 11/24/10, Unknown cause
    BFP#2 1/31/11- Blighted Ovum D&C 3/3/11, XX Trisomy 22
    BFP#3 3/30/12- Ectopic Pregnancy, discovered @ 8wk
    BFP#4 10/2/12
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    imageyelizah:

    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    As hard as this is to admit...this ran through my mind too. It's not something that  I would do, but I have def been there. (((hugs))))

    (((HUGS))) I too have been here. When I saw the big black hole of my blighted ovum for the first time (my 2nd m/c), the only thing I wanted to do/be/say outloud is "I just want to die", and in that moment I truely felt it. Literally the only thing that stopped me from saying it out loud was thinking the u/s tech might try to commit me or something.

    ~TTC #1 7/1/10~
    BFP#1 10/8/10- Natural m/c 11/24/10, Unknown cause
    BFP#2 1/31/11- Blighted Ovum D&C 3/3/11, XX Trisomy 22
    BFP#3 3/30/12- Ectopic Pregnancy, discovered @ 8wk
    BFP#4 10/2/12
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    I am really grumpy tonight, and keep snapping at my family.  I am having horrible cramps and its depressing me.  I think I am going to go soak in the tub with the door locked, away from everyone. Oh and just to add insult to injury for some reason I rhought it was a good idea to start watching the Cake Boss Baby Special.  Someone slap me and take the remote.
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    I am so angry today. At life, at pregnant people (specially this girl in my night class that is moments from giving birth and that was the hot topic of class tonight- not to mention I am in early childhood education which is hard to sit thru in itself right now), at my dog, at crazy NC drivers, everything. I feel like I just want to yell and scream. I think it is all my stress and frustration mounting.
    ~TTC #1 7/1/10~
    BFP#1 10/8/10- Natural m/c 11/24/10, Unknown cause
    BFP#2 1/31/11- Blighted Ovum D&C 3/3/11, XX Trisomy 22
    BFP#3 3/30/12- Ectopic Pregnancy, discovered @ 8wk
    BFP#4 10/2/12
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    imagelotus88:
    Yesterday morning, when I woke up after starting to bleed (loss of 2nd pg in 4 months), I wondered for a minute what it would feel like to be dead. I had no intention or desire to be dead. I would never leave my sister. It was just a thought. I'm safe.

    I am so sorry Hon.  Please take care of yourself. BIG {{{{{HUGS}}}}

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    I took OPK tests yesterday (in the AM and the PM, both Wondfo and Clear Blue Easy Digital).  I could NOT figure out why my CBED came back with a positive result, but the Wondfo's didn't even have a second line.... This afternoon, I realized that I had been using the Wondfo PREGNANCY tests, instead of the OPK's....

    Also, I had to use the bathroom so bad this afternoon, but really wanted to OPK test after work, so needed to hold it.  I went to the bathroom FOUR times and just peed a little bit each time to relieve the pressure....

    Finally, as many have said, Pre Seed, a little goes A LONG WAY....

     that is all. hope everyone had a great day! 

    DD2- May 2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 1/26/11- missed m/c @ 12 weeks
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    imageTapatio:

    I went to the market around the corner this evening to get cheese and eggs. Instead I came back home only with strawberry margarita mix, a 6 pack of root beer and 2 donuts.

    ETA: I just chugged down my PNV with my Strawberry Margarita. This is how I roll....

    We're so buddies! Nice!!! Mmmm.... strawberry margarita... mmm yum!

    My confession: I seriously considered just walking out on my job today. I know its not an option... but yeah. 

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    I am in such a funk and unmotivated that I can't even get myself to do some of my work. I am so disgusted with myself on top of it, as I have probably gained at least 5 pounds since I have been eating away my misery since my d&c.
    image

    BFP #1 1/1/11 EDD 9/10/11 dx:no hb DNC on 2/2/11
    BFP #2 12/28/11 natural m/c on 2/6/12   BFP#3 2/16/13 dx:ectopic on 2/27 (given methotrexate) HSG 6/13-all clear BFP#4 11/18/13 natural m/c on 11/23  IVF #1 (Natural IVF Cycle) May 2014- Cycle failed (embryo did not make it to blast) BFP#5-7/26/14 GROW BABY GROW    IT'S A BOY DUE 4/5/15!

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    imagecatinascakes:
    Oh and just to add insult to injury for some reason I rhought it was a good idea to start watching the Cake Boss Baby Special.  Someone slap me and take the remote.

    Omg, I saw an ad for the Cake Boss Baby Special while I was at the gym yesterday and I almost started to cry.  I was terrified I was going to bust out the waterworks while on the treadmill :)

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    imagelotus88:
    imageTapatio:
    I went to the market around the corner this evening to get cheese and eggs. Instead I came back home only with strawberry margarita mix, a 6 pack of root beer and 2 donuts.
     
    haha I love it.

    Yes love this!!

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