- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Preemies
question for a preemie mom
A good friend of mine just gave birth to her first, at only 25 weeks.
He is almost 2 weeks old now, and the doctors and nurses are saying he is doing very well (all things considered).
I'm at a loss as to what to do for her - I'm about a 6 hour drive away, so I can't just go and be with her. I told her I'm always available to call if she needs, but I'm sure she's got a lot of people around her too. I don't know if I should send her baby things, or not yet, or what.
So I come here. For those of you who have been in similar situations, what was the most encouraging/best things your friends did for you?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: question for a preemie mom
Considering your friend's world has spun more than once since the birth of her preemie, the best thing you can do is exactly what you have done. Make it known you are there for her whenever she needs you. Having had 2 of my babies in the NICU, all I wanted was to spend any minute I could there with them. I was worried what my friends would say if they came to see my LOs with IV's in their head, maybe they wouldn't understand the crude equipment hooked up to them or I would make them uncomfortable if I cried.
The best thing my friends did for me was give me space. Having a preemie is not the same thing as having a healthy full term baby that you get to bring home when you're discharged. No one really prepares you for the emotional heartbreak that follows when you're sent home but your baby has to stay behind. No mom wants to be in that position. The first thing I did when I was discharged was took a shower and went right back to the NICU. I didn't feel comfortable at home since Connor or Isla were still left behind.
My friends would check in with me but I was splitting my time between home and the NICU. My comfort came in meeting the other moms in the NICU who were in the same boat as me. We vented, cried, found joy in small milestones and being in the same position made it easier to cope with what our babies were struggling to do. Other moms who had not been where we were might not understand what it's like.
You being there for your friend, trying to find ways to comfort her or understand what she's going through...that speaks volumes to me.
Thanks.
I should mention that she's not home at all right now - the NICU he was brought to is a 2-hour drive from her home-town (which is SUPER small, so that was the closest NICU to have the proper equipment). From what I can understand, her husband is home, possibly working (I'm not sure), and she is up with the baby, except for when she needed to go back to get her staples removed.
She said she has a lot of people from her church making her meals. But maybe I'll find some restaurants where she is and send those up - that's a good idea
.
When is/would it be appropriate to send up baby stuff (blankets, toys, or even registry items, since he came before they got most of anything they'd actually need)? When he comes home? Before?
haha - ETA: and no worries if she cried to me, I've cried for her a few times already. I can't even imagine (no kids for me - not yet at least).
She's been posting updates/pictures on facebook about twice/week. I just sent her a message that basically said "I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, and although I'm sure you have plenty of people around you, I'm only 6 hours away if you need me." She called me shortly after it happened (which she was still in the hospital from the C-section, but after he had been transferred), and now I've just been following her on facebook, and then sharing with some of our other friends (with her permission, of course).
Thanks - it does help, and I appreciate the T&Ps
My friends avoided us, so the ladies above are correct - just let her know you're there for her.
Other things I can suggest are a journal or "Mommy" style gift book or a gift card so she can buy things she might need like food, gas, baby items, etc. One big thing a lot of people forget to tell preemie parents is CONGRATULATIONS so something celebratory, like a new mommy book or frame might be nice.
1998 Ovarian Cancer Survivor. 7 Miscarriages: 6w, 13w2d, 4w2d, 7w4d (DD's twin), 5w. Failed Tubal after c/s (!!): 5w2d, 6w4d
Just be a friend, give her your shoulder to cry on if she needs it. As far as making this process easier, gas cards, food cards, help with parking at the hospital would all be great. There are special websites for preemie t-shirts that are like hospital gowns - lots of snaps - so the nurses can tend to the leads easily. There is also a preemie/NICU baby book. It has milestones that are unique to NICU babies.
Thoughts and prayers for your friend, her baby and her family.
I am a NICU Rn....and I also had my twin girls in the NICU for 5 weeks. So I have been on both sides of the fence.
I wanted privacy, and space. I did NOT want phone calls at all. That kind of contact was stressful for my DH and I...and it felt "nosy".... We were stressed out parents, and the last thing we needed was to have to reply to emails or voicemails.
I did have a girlfriend send me text messages to my phone, and I loved that. She would just type me a message that said: I don't want to bug you, I know you are at the hospital w/the girls, but I am thinking of you. She also made me feel better by just typing... "I am here for you." She wasn't intrusive...asking questions...like, "are they still on the vent, etc. Do they still have IVs in...." she just was supportive and that was wonderful.
Ditto the gift cards to restaurants. That helped us a TON.
I would skip clothes for now. The best gift someone gave us was a blanket, and it had their names and birth date monogrammed on it. We LOVE these blankets and used them daily now that the girls are home. it was this one:
https://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/chamois-stroller-blanket/?pkey=gthmoccbsh That was the most thoughtful and personal gift.