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April 2011 Moms
Mrs S 08
member
How would you handle this? (IL vent-long)
Mrs S 08
member
I am so beyond irritated and stressed right now and I honestly don't even know how to handle this situation. Actually, I know I shouldn't be handling the situation, that MH should be, but he isn't in the postion where he can right now. Here is the back story
MH deployed in August, 5 days later I find out I am pregnant. He originally wasn't due home until the middle of April (like 4 days before my due date). His parents just assumed that they would come out here and stay with us when he got home, until after the baby was born sometime. As soon as I caught wind of what they were planning (thanks to my SIL informing me of their plans) I talked to MH and we agreed that we needed time to adjust to not only having MH back home, but to becoming parents for the first time. There is already an adjustment period when someone comes homes from a deployment, and adding a baby into a mix is going to be an even bigger adjustment, we really felt that what was best for us was for us to get used to be a family again. We told his parents early on, that we would appreciate if they didn't come out until after we had time to adjust to being parents and that we were thinking sometime at the end of May we would be up to having long term guests and we would keep them informed. We also said that we wouldn't have the room and the energy for them to stay with us at our house. They are the kind of people who would expect me to still cook and clean and take care of the baby while they were on "vacation" and there sleeping habits are insane (like they stay up until 3 in the morning, which would be 6 our time and then sleep all afternoon). We also explained how as of now we only have one car, and because we will be moving to Japan within the end of the year we aren't purchasing another car, so they would need to get a rental car. Our car wouldn't even fit all us plus a car seat. When we told them they said ok, they just didn't think they would come at all then (fine by me, I am not going to beg) and then I really hadn't heard from them the rest of the deployment.
Well, now MH should be home within the next couple weeks, since I have been having problems they let him go advon and come home a couple weeks early so he could be here. His parents are now calling and texting me all the time asking when he should be here (I have told them I don't have a set date or time yet, and that as soon as I knew any information I would pass it on to them). Well I get a email from my SIL last night giving me a heads that she had been talking to our FIL and he was telling her and my BIL that they weren't going to take no for an answer that they were still going to come out here and stay with us because it is THEIR RIGHT to be here when their grandchild is born and their son comes home. Under different circumstances I wouldn't mind if they came out when MH came home from his deployment, but seeings how he is coming home and shortly after I will be pushing a baby out of my crotch and I will be learning how to BF and be a mom, we don't really need house guests. I just moved into our house Friday, and while my parents have put everything together there is still boxes everywhere and unpacking that needs to be done.
Right now my husband is in transition so I haven't really been able to talk to him, so he has no clue any of this is going on, but I feel like we need to again let them know they are not welcome here right now. How would you guys handle this situation? I really don't feel like what we are asking for is unacceptable. My parents live 2 hrs away and they have also been asked to stay away for a couple weeks while we adjust. I have told my family that they can either wait in the waiting room while Avery is born, or we can call them once she is here but only MH is in the room with me. My mom has said if I need anything she would have no problem coming to stay with us, but she isn't making plans to come to our house until we invite them. This is my parents first grandchild, this is my ILs 6th, I would think if anyone would have the right to be upset because they want to be there it would be my parents, especially since they let me live with them this whole pregnancy and basically took care of me bc of the morning sickness and bedrest I was put on.
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Re: How would you handle this? (IL vent-long)
Yikes...it would help if you could get your husband's point of view on this, but obviously you can't. But, when he is in town, I'd make him be the bad guy unfortunately.
Can you mention to your in-laws that you would be happy to make them hotel reservations? Can you plant the bug in your SIL's ear and maybe she can convince them to wait a few weeks?
Well remember, unless they have a gun to your head, they can't "make" you do a single thing. They will simply have to stay at a hotel and rent a car. End of discussion. Stay firm, maybe have a brother, friend or your mom there to help you kick them out if needed. Don't even answer the door if you don't want to.
However, I would schedule some time for them to be with their son. I can imagine they missed him during his deployment too and want to see him. However, that doesn't mean they have to stay at your home.
This! If they are dead set on coming, they can stay in a hotel.
I agree with all of this. They cannot force themselves into your home, end of story. You have been clear and upfront about your feelings, if they choose to show up uninvited, then you are under no obligation to allow them to stay with you.
I do think they have a right to see their son, given the circumstances, but he and they can work that out. Again, them coming to see him =/= being allowed to stay in your house, use your car, etc.
Be firm. Polite, but firm. It's not like you are springing this on them at the last minute.
Do you talk to your in-laws often on your own? You could always just call them and say that you want to firm-up the plans for what will happen after baby arrives. Tell them in your most excited tone that you can't wait for them to visit and meet the baby on X date or at X time because by then you should be feel more rested and it will be so great to see them. You could even slip in how excited you are for your husband to come home and to be able to enjoy some time with just him and baby because you've missed him so much and it will be such a special time. Then say that you understand if they want to drop by sooner for a shorter period of time to meet the baby and that would be great, but that you can't imagine any long-term house guests in the beginning.
BIL and SIL are totally on our side, and SIL did say she tried to talk some sense into my FIL, but she said they seem pretty set on coming out here. She tried explaining to him that it has nothing to do with us not wanting them to see their son or grandchild, but more to do with the fact that we have been seperated this whole pregnancy and we would like some alone time so MH could bond with his child.
If they were around more I would probably be more willing to have them come welcome him home, BUT he has been in for 7 years, stationed in CA the whole time and have never cared to see him before. His last deployment he came home and they didn't care to be here. The first thing my MIL said when he called her was asking him how much money he was sending her.
What ? That is crazy.
Again, keep telling yourself that they can't make you do anything. If they show up on your doorstep with their suitcases, you open the door and hand them a list of hotels in the area.
However, I would still let them see their son. Maybe with the baby coming, it changed their minds about their son. Also, don't give them a single cent.
If you and DH have already agreed that them staying with you guys is not the best thing I would definately make them stay at a hotel...You can't keep them from showing up, but you can not let them stay with you. I would just call them up and say that you and DH already agreed and that if they came out to visit they would not be allowed to stay at your house. If they have a problem with how you run your house right after you birth your first child...i.e. cooking, cleaning, and such...tell them they were asked to wait on the visit.
But, that's just my opinion. Good Luck!!!!!
I agree w/ PP about having one more convo with them, firming up your plans for their visit, reinforcing that they are not really invited until May (politely of course), and what kinds of accomadations, if any, you can provide then. If they still choose to come out early, there's not really a whole lot you can do about it, other than when they show up, help them find a hotel and a cab to get there.
I know you want your time with your husband and new baby, that is totally reasonable and and understandable, especially given the circumstances, and I definitely believe you guys should take that time. But with him coming home early, I personally would think asking them to wait until LATE May to see him isn't really fair to them, and might not be fair to your DH. He is family to them too. At the very least I think I would call the ILs and ask them to at least wait until he is boots stateside again and see how is he is feeling before they make plans either way, because he should have the final word on when and how he wants to see his parents after a deployment.
ETA: Okay, I just now got to read some other responses about your relationship with the ILs (apparently I type slow...lol). Taking that into consideration, I would still call them and let them know you are not willing to make plans or even discuss plans about visits until DH is stateside and able to have a say in it, and let that be the end of the discussion until your DH is home and can deal with his parents on the terms you and he decide on. It sucks for that to have to be one of the firs things he'll have to deal with when he gets home, but it sounds like its on par for his family and shouldn't be too unexpected.
Honestly, a fight might be unavoidable considering their personalities. Again, keep telling yourself that standing up for what you want and setting boundaries doesn't make you rude or mean. They are the rude ones for inviting themselves over like that. Just be firm and calm.
Ok, going along with you updates and the past behavior of these people, this is honestly what I would do. I know this would sound extreme, but being polite with these people is not working, you have to be drastic.
I would ask SIL to see when they are coming out since they "aren't taking no for an answer." I would then conveniently be busy that whole day ( or weekend even). Go to your mom's house, rent a hotel room, whatever. So when they call asking you guys to pick them up at the airport, you can say " Sorry, we aren't in town. You will have to take a cab to the nearest hotel." If they show up at your doorstep and want to know where you are, you say " Sorry we aren't in town, you can take a cab to the nearest hotel." I know they won't like it but tough. That is what they get for coming over uninvited.
I didn't get to read everyone's responses, but got the gist that I agree with most. My two cents:
As the sister of someone in the military I totally understand how important it is to see them when they come home. My mother especially is very attached to my brother and would be devastated if she couldn't see him. That being said, I think you're being fair. I think banning them from coming out in the very beginning is not a good idea, but they should understand your situation, settle down in a hotel near by and come over when you guys tell them it's ok, not when they mighty well please. Since your SIL and BIL seem to be reasonable, definitely use them to help talk some sense into the IL's since unfortunately your husband can't. Don't let them force themselves on you, but definitely stand your ground. Also, if they do decide to stay in a hotel, make it known that it doesn't mean that they can come over whenever they want, you're just making it easier for them to have access to you should you need or want them there.
I hope this all works out for you. Having you husband come home, and welcoming you baby are such exciting things and NO ONE should try and ruin that for you.
My ILs are also crazy and tend to ignore boundaries. Personally, I agree with the poster that said tell them you can't make any plans until your husband is stateside and you know what he wants. You don't have to tell them his exact date home if you don't want to. While, I agree that if he wants to see them and they want to see him before the baby is born, then that should be able to happen. But you don't even know that that is what your hubby wants. I would email or call and tell them that you will let them know when you speak with your husband, but until then you cannot make ANY plans.
As far as coming out when she's born, if you can wait until your husband is able to communicate with them, that would probably be best, but if not, I would make it clear that you are not accepting visitors until whatever date you have set. Remind them that your parents aren't coming either and that when they come they will need to book a hotel.
I have a low tolerance for people violating other people's boundaries. We aren't telling my ILs that Connor is born until we are ready for visitors because we know that they will ignore any requests we make regarding his birth. The only way we can control the situation is to control the information we've provided them. I see nothing wrong with not making any plans with your ILs until you have had a chance to see what your husband wants.
Thanks for all the advice, I feel better knowing that other people aren't thinking what we are asking for is that unreasonable.
He is coming home for good, not just a break so it isn't like they either see him now or have to wait months until they see him. And again, we don't mind if they want to come out now and see him, providing they stay in a hotel. We are just asking that when Avery comes and we bring her home we have a couple weeks to adjust without any long term guests. If they want to come out, stay in a hotel and treat it like a vacation, meaning doing there OWN things and not just planning on stay at our house and hanging out us all day then again we don't mind. It is the "we are coming, staying at your house, will be in the room when you have Avery, and we aren't sure when we will leave" thing that has us saying NO, not a chance.
I would tell your DH about the situation asap and get his POV on everything and have him call to talk to the IL's about not coming so early. If you're working with a crunched time frame, then maybe you should email your IL's and give them a short, silly 'update' on the move, you and the baby - explain that you know how excited they are to visit and you look forawrd to them meeting grandbaby #6 and that you've looked into hotels in the area and this would be the price quote for this particular week for them to come.
June Siggy: Fave pic of Aubrey and me