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July 2011 Moms
s/o - SAHMs - please enlighten me
I can't, for the life of me, understand the SAHM's that have higher education, especially multiple degrees.
Please explain this all to me.
If this is offensive, it's not meant to be. I'm sincerely perplexed. Why would you spend such an extreme amount of time and money on education and then SAH?
Was it always your plan to be a SAHM? Did it just happen to turn out like that? Do you miss "using" your degrees?
Someone please shed some light on this for me. I just can't wrap my head around it. It seems like such a waste to me. A waste of time, money and knowledge.
All of my friend's mom's were working moms, except one, but her mom was a crack head. All of my friends have become working mothers (NJ is HCOL to say the least).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o - SAHMs - please enlighten me
I am curious too!
I fought tooth and nail between two pregnancies, 2 divorces, and the death of a child to continue to go to school and FINALLY just earn my Associate's in Nursing!
I always felt it was a lot of work, and would never intend on letting it sit un-used (I have a little more biased....because the only SAHMs I know, for the most part, use that as an excuse because they are TRULY too lazy to work and would rather receive food stamps and welfare)
I only know one that had planned on SAHM-hood...but will be using her degree when they hit Jr high age...
Maybe you should ask on the sahm board.
I don't have fancy degrees, but I can see where you are coming from. It boils down to what's more important to YOU.
I think for some moms something just changes when they have a baby. They can't leave the baby and want to do everything they can to stay with the baby.
I can't understand this, mostly because I've never been a mom, but that is what I've heard.
FWIW, I too am perplexed. But, I think that's okay. It is about emotion and the desire to be with a child. I don't have to understand it.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
I can grasp the concept of staying home with your child is the most important thing in your life. To me, that's simple to grasp.
I can't grasp the concept of going through all of that schooling only to stay at home.
I don't find this offensive, I understand that you are just wondering. But yeah, this is something I have struggled with. I think I always knew, that if finances allowed it, I would be a SAHM. But 14 years ago (holy crap!) when I started college and picked my major, I had no idea what the future would hold. Would I find a partner who agreed with me? Would he be able to financially support us if I was a SAHM? How long would it be till w had kids?
Sometimes I feel like I wasted money, but I find comfort in the fact I use what I learned with my degree everyday. Granted I don't use it to bring in a profit, but I can help myself, my family and friends.
Also, if need be, I can go back to work. God forbid, H gets laid off or something horrible happens, I can go back to work.
I have no fancy degrees, but I never planned to sah either.
I had a medical scare at 16 weeks pregnant with my daughter that my Drs made me stop working, then my controlling ex loved controlling me & wouldnt let me back to work. Then I got pregnant with #2, he left me & it was easier for my sanity to keep staying home. After #2 was born he stopped paying support, refused to pay child care & made it so I cant afford to work. Now we're having #3.
In August #1 starts Kindergarten, #2 starts 1/2 day prechool, so Im hoping to get back to work at least part time, we should be able to afford 1 or 1 1/2 kids in daycare.
I have a Bachelor's degree and finished it while I was pregnant with DS. I always wanted to be a SAHM but also knew I shouldnt rely on a man in order to have financial stability.
When I found out I was pregnant there was no question I would be staying at home even though I had a semester of school left. Also we were scheduled to move when I was 8 months pregnant with my husband (military) and now that #2 is on the way there is NO reason for me to get an outside job. Also with DH being in the military its harder in general for wives to get jobs since we move a lot to begin with. With my degree I really want to open a bed and breakfast but, the military doesnt really help the cause.
I can somewhat "get" this. Even though I've never experienced it (no children yet), I can understand that something deep within you changes.
I guess I've found here on TB that it's been planned that way, or decided immediately upon implantation like it's always been planned.
Make sense?
I've always loved education and the chance to broaden my scope of knowledge. I very easily could see myself with a Master's and still desire to SAH. As it is, I wish somedays that I didn't have my BS, so that I could be a little freer [without SL debt] and SAH. Having DS completely changed who I was to the core.
I grew up with the assumption that Mom's worked, kids went to daycare. This was how the world worked and there was no issue with it. I assumed it would be the same for me and actually considered other options than my mom watching DS. After DS, my entire outlook on life changed and my mom is virtually the only person I could consider providing daycare to DS.
I have a degree in communications and Christian Studies/Theology from a small Christian university. I had a full ride and was an honor student in highschool and college. After we got married, DH and I knew I wanted to SAH. The plan was for me to work for a few years and then we'd start a family. Lizzie was a surprise.
My dad raised me where college wasn't an option. When I told him I wanted to SAH, he said his whole plan was that he wanted me to have something to fall back on if something to DH. My mom didn't have any higher education, and SAH for a few years before she went back to being a secretary. They both knew that if something happened dad, mom would be struggling. He didn't want that for me and my kids.
I don't miss using my degrees. In fact, I never worked after college. I plan on SAH permanently and homeschooling, so I'm glad I have the higher education for that. I don't think there is anything wrong with being an educated SAHM. Even if I had to pay for my college, I would still have chosen to SAH. It's my choice, and I like having the "Back-up plan" of my degree.
I'll answer this from my perspective, as I would do the SAHM bit if DH got a raise equal to my salary.
Honestly, the degree(s) are a small part of the overall college learning experience. I learned sooooo much more in college than just what my degree was in. My parents were right about one thing...it doesn't matter what the piece of paper says on it at the end (meaning what major), as long as it's from a reputable college and you make the most of the learning experience while you are there. The majority of my classes I took outside my major, just because they were interesting and I hoped to learn something from them. Heck, I even took a animal husbandry/slaughtering lab just to try something different.
In addition, let's say DH and I get divorced, or he died, later on down the line and I had to go back to work. If I didn't have any degrees, I would be entering the workforce as an un-degreed person, which means I would start a lot lower than I would with degrees/licenses.
So, I also see my education/licenses as insurance if the unforeseeable happens. Plan ahead.
College wasn't really a choice in our family....rather, it was a natural turn of events. You graduate high school, you go to college. My mom was a SAHM with a masters (she went back to work when I (the youngest) was 8), and my dad was a doctor. Thankfully, they were pretty well off financially, so I didn't have to take out any loans for schooling.
ETA: I didn't get married until a month before I turned 27. I'm having this baby right before I turn 31. Between 22 and 30, I got/have a great job, that allows me to travel the world (on the corporate dime...score!) and obtain a bunch of licenses in my field. I wouldn't be content to flip burgers for the years since I graduated high school, hoping that I would snatch a husband who would make enough, allowing me the option of being a SAHM.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
After looking at it from a "back up plan" perspective. I think I just might have a new found respect for highly educated SAHM's. It's really a great way to look at it.
However, wouldn't you be pooping your pants that your knowledge base would be rusty, or hasn't evolved enough with changes in trends, techniques, stats.....? Being out of the job market for so long, and competition against new grads, would have me petrified.
But....I guess that's why it's only a back up plan.
I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, but after I got married almost 5 years ago I decided that I wanted to be able to be home with my kids while they were young...they grow up so fast and you can never get that time back.
My mom always worked so I never knew what it was like to have a SAHM, but my MIL has always been a SAHM and I have always looked up to her...she is always there for her children, unlike my mom who (to this day) stays so busy she barely has time to talk on the phone. I could never get my mom to sit down and play board games with me, watch a movie, etc...and I love how when we go to my in-laws they spend so much time together as a family. (This is not completely b/c she's a SAHM, and every family is different, this is just my personal experience with my family vs. my husband's.)
Anyway, I decided no matter what, I wanted to get my college degree because I think it's important to have an education and something to fall back on. I finished with my bachelor's degree in nursing and have worked as an RN almost four years. We were finally at the point where we wanted to start trying to have kids...it took several years of learning to live on one income (to get ready for when we actually do), saving, and paying off debt to be able to get to the point where I will now be able to stay at home with our child/children. I still have the flexibility in my job where I will be working supplemental hours here and there, but we don't have to depend on my income.
I know this doesn't work for everyone, and many people don't want to be a SAHM. I think you have to do what works best for you and your family and you are still a good mom no matter what you decide to do!
This is just what we've decided works for us...but I don't feel like I'm wasting my education at all...I intend to keep up my nursing license and still work occasionally and have the flexibility to return to work part-time or full-time whenever I'm ready. But I'm excited about this new chapter in our lives and thankful for the opportunity I will have to stay at home with our child!
I'm not a SAHM yet, but will be in May.
I don't have a "fancy" degree - just a regular bachelor's in English - but I did go to a private university that wasn't cheap.
Honestly, I went to make my dad happy. My parents (especially dad) were adamant I went to college and got a degree, and my dad paid in full for my education, so why not? At least I have it to fall back on I guess.
I knew I always wanted to be a SAHM. I didn't know how fast that would happen of course, since DH and I were just engaged in my Sr. year of college, but yeah, at the end of school I started to think about what a waste it was.
And looking back I hate that my dad spent all that money on my education for me not to use it, but he really wanted me to go and he was so proud on my graduation day! I also think I might want to home school our girls, so the extra education will be useful for that!
After 2 years, Injects, PCOS diagnosis and 2 IUI's, we were blessed with our beautiful twin girls!
Baby Girl #3!
I have a Ph.D. and wouldn't think twice about being a SAHM. It's not financially feasible for us right now, but my degree is giving me the opportunity to secure a job that will have extremely flexible hours, not work every day, and make good money.
Part of my reasoning is that my mom always told me to make sure I don't have to rely on anyone financially, so I went to school to get the degrees that would give me the job that I would want and would make me financially secure. I also never assumed that I would meet a husband who could take care of me, so I wanted to be prepared to take care of myself. In fact, I didn't meet my husband until my last year of graduate school.
However, my mom was a SAHM and I loved it. My husband and I have both agreed that if he gets a job that pays enough (which is a possibility in his field) I will stay at home or work very little. I would never feel like I wasted my time or money on my degrees. I can always fall back on it if I need to and even work one day a week in a private practice setting and make good money. I wouldn't have that flexibility if I didn't have these degrees.
Yes, it sure does. And is one of the reasons I don't "get" a lot of pregnant women. I am excited I am pregnant. I know I will love our son. I do everything I can to make sure he is getting the best things. But, honestly, I have no real attachment to him. I assume it will just come once he is born. When I look at our ultrasound photos I don't "fall in love". I feel like I am looking at someone's u/s photos. Not mine.
Thankfully, I have some good friends who have actually told me they were "in love" with their babies once they were born (actually it came a few days later). It makes me feel like less of a freak. Especially, since I can see how crazy they are for their kids now (one of my bff's is 55 and her girls are my age. She loved being a mom, but said to me last night. "I loved her [her 1st born] because I knew she was a part of me, but honestly, I didn't like her for a few days."
If people make that maternal connection right away (when they find out they are pregnant) that's fine. I just don't fall into that category. And, the plan for me, is to go back to work. I want to continue to pursue the career I got all those degrees for.
The way I feel and the way other women feel isn't good, bad, right, or wrong. It just is. And, that's fine.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
Never underestimate the value of that piece of paper (no matter what it is in, or how long ago it was obtained). At my company, even to work at entry level, you have to have a 4 year college degree. Applicants without aren't even considered.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
I plan to sahm after this baby. Dh agrees it will be best for the kids. I will still be using my education however because of DH business will need someone to run the office side.
I'm not a SAHM and don't plan to be, but....
All my life I've anticipated returning to work after I had kids. Most of my friends' moms worked and the few who didn't weren't anymore involved in activities than the working moms were.
Once I got pg, I actually had a thought of "wouldn't it be nice" to SAH. That's not an option for us (I work in the family business and am being groomed to take it over in the next few years and DH is self-employed and doesn't make enough to pay our bills). But there have been a few days where I've thought, regrettably, about the fact SAH isn't an option for us.
All that to say, I have an MBA and a few other degrees and even during my wishful thinking about SAH, I've never really considered that I would be "wasting" my education.
I'm going to through my two cents in even though I only have one degree and I'm not a SAHM yet. I can see a few reasons. First, if you have the money and time to experience the best of both worlds for a while, why not? You get your education and career...do that for a while, then you get to just focus on being a mother. And I'll never see being an educated parent as a waste of knowledge.
Secondly, not everyone is going to be a SAHM forever. Going back to work with several degrees under your belt is a lot easier than starting to broaden your education at the same time you are putting your own kids through school.
And finally, SAHMs don't just sit around and clean up poop all day. There are many ways to utilize your knowledge and degrees without sitting behind a salaried desk all day. I don't think volunteering your knowledge makes it any less valuable.
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
Katie, you and I have gone round on this one before, but I just want to voice my opinion as one who felt no attachment and was basically shellshocked by the love I had for DS.
Clearly, I can't force on you that you'll be the same way, but most people who know me only as a Mom can't understand the me I was before being a mother.
I have an advanced degree and had a fairly impressive career. I'm planning to be a SAHM for many reasons:
1. I don't trust anyone else to do as good a job raising my children as I will do. Period.
2. Financially, it makes more sense for me to SAH. I work in the non-profit sector and have never made much money. Child care for twins that would be acceptable to me would likely cost about as much as I would make.
3. I'm 31 years old. I got my MA long before I even met DH, so I had no idea what the future would hold. I wasn't going to sit around and wait to see if I ended up getting married and having kids to pursue my education and career.
4. I won't be a SAHM forever. I plan to go back to work when LOs go to school, so I will go back to "using" my degrees at that time.
FWIW, I actually have a harder time wrapping my head around the idea of having kids and handing them off to someone else all day every day.
This is what I have a hard time with. It doesn't take long to get rusty with the workforce, and have to re-learn how to do most everything. Being out of work for 6mths had me coming back rusty, so I couldn't imagine being out of work for 5-10years or whatever.
I think the only way I could be SAHM is if DH was making the equivalent of what we make together, and I'd still probably do a part-time daycare program with the kids and I'd take a part-time job somewhere and do something I enjoy doing. But if I did this, I probably wouldn't be looking to go back to work again as a Project Manager.
I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM either, but sometimes the idea of it sounds pleasing, but again, I'd still need to use daycare 1-2 days a week so I wouldn't go crazy.
I do think I will be the same way. There are some people who do sort of try to make me feel bad now that I'm not crazy attached though. I think feeling are not for explaining (especially to people who are trying to judge me irl). I always feel better when moms say they didn't have a lot of attachment to their pregnancies.
I know I will love him. More than I can even imagine right now, since it is honestly beyond my capability of understanding. For now, I am just doing all the things I know will get him here and allow him to be as happy and healthy as possible.
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
I have a SIL who has a $120k degree in social work from a private college. As soon as her and BIL are able to get pregnant, she plans to be a SAHM, which was always her plan. This kind of blows my mind. Why would anyone spend $120k for a degree in such a lowing paying field, especially if they don't plan to work in that field?
But I fully support a college education even if you don't plan to "use" it. I don't think an education is ever a waste, it's just the cost that has me scratching my head.
And that's all he needs right now.
Though a lot of what I am about to say has already been said I will throw my piece out there.
I have a BA in Marketing- and for me college was always the next step. Both of my GRANDMOTHERS have college degrees- I cannot think of a single family that does not have a degree (though my family is not big...).
I have used my degree for the last 7 years- I graduated in 2003 and just quit my job in September. I had a very successful career and certainly used my degree and earned enough to pay off all of my students loans (over $20,000) and still have savings. Don't get me wrong I was VERY fortunate to have had the success I did- but despite that I have ALWAYS planed on being a SAHM.
I think my mom has a lot to do with me wanting to be able to support myself and be able to be a SAHM. She stayed at home with all three of us, and when my dad divorced her she had no career, saving, no credit, nothing. She had her teaching degree and was able to find a job eventually, but I vowed I never allow myself to be in a situation where I could not support myself and my children if I needed to.
H and I have always planned on me being a SAHM- in fact it was something I made very clear to him before we got engaged. We have planned our lives so that I could stay at home.
Have we had to cut back, yes. Could we have had a bigger house, sure. More vactions, stuff, etc, whatever- those are just things. But to me there is no price I can put on being there for my children- to watch them grow and nurture them is the job I feel I BORN to do.
I could be crazy- this is our first child. But I plan to go back to work after both kids (we plan on having more than one) are school aged. To keep myself current, I plan on working on a master program in the evenings and potentially look for a part time/ work from home job in a few years.
I know it's not for everyone, but for me it is the only choice. I know I would regret it if I never tried/ took the opportunity.
Great work if you read this all- I will step down from my soap box.
I used to be a working mom then I lost my job in August of 2009. At that time I was going to school to earn my bachelors degree online. My children were in kindergarten and 5th grade at that time so I was abel to attend school functions and be availabel if they got sick which was a big relief that i wasn't having to leave a job and deal with the boss.
I have since continued with school and am working on my masters since I value education and keeping my mind sharp. I will say that working when your children are young is easier than as they get older. The older my girls get it seems they have more activites they are involved in. I want to stay home with this 3rd child but at this point finances are very tight so will be looking for a better paying job just before I finish my masters in December when baby will be 5 months. Untill then I will work my part time job and try to only work wen family members are availabel to watch the children.
I have to tell you, with my daughter I had that magical instant love. With my son I didnt. I had to fight hard through my whole pregnancy telling myself Id fall in love with him the moment he was born. I didnt. It took me a little while. It wasnt his fault & he was a great easy little baby, it was just harder for me to connect to that with him. The moment he was born I couldnt imagine my life without him, but it took me a few days to fall in love with him.
So its normal, its also normal for it to take a little while to fall in love after he's born. I think some people are afraid to admit to how you feel & how I felt so thats why its not discussed more, but I know a lot more people feel it than admit to it.
I have a BA and almost have my masters. I got my teaching certificate last year, but didn't find a job b/c of the lack of teaching jobs. Next year I won't be applying b/c LO will only be 3 weeks old when school starts. I've always thought it would be awesome to be a SAHM, but struggled at first when I realized finding a job next year is not an option for me. I've come to terms with it and am super excited to be able to be home with my LO for at least a year. To stay fresh on my skills, I plan on subbing at least once a week as well as volunteering at a school.
My Mom never received a degree. She and my Dad divorced, and while he paid child support, she still struggled to provide for us because of her minimal salary. I never want to be in that situation.
Two years ago I quit a job where I was bringing in almost 6 figures because it didn't make me happy. I went back to school and got a degree in a field that will make me happy. For DH and I, we decided my happiness is more important for my well being, our relationship and our (to-be) family. I can still use the experience from my previous career, but life is too short to stick with something that makes you miserable!
I have a masters degree in education & literacy. I never planned on being a SAHM but am glad that I have the opportunity.
They way it came about is...DH accepted a new job (much better everything) in a different state (actually closer to where I grew up & my family). We knew we were trying and whatever happened happened, Well as it happened a month after he left for the job on one of our meetings our 'love bug' was made. I always planned on moving out there to be with him at the end of the school year, but at this point, being a teacher no one would probably hire me being pregnant & giving birth in mid/late July. Plus, to get my foot in the door would be the toughest part or hiring process, add in all the education cuts and everything happening already, those that get cut get the first call back, so being in a new state, without their specific certifications and everything, it just made sense since we could financially afford for me to be a SAHM. Plus, the cost of daycare would probably eat most if not all of my salary, and the added expense of gas now moving swiftly to $4 a gallon, plus additional 'dress clothes', plus as a teacher I always end up spending my own money on things for the students...so it just made sense to stay home and take care of everything and enjoy the childhood of our children.
We plan on starting our family now as well, so within the next few years hopefully adding another one (or two) to our family. Daycare would be crazy expensive for all of them at once.
Putting myself through school I was a nanny, and I enjoyed it. I took the kids to swim lessons, tae kwon do, and actually went to school plays. (The parents although very nice were just a little different). I did that for 6 years, so I look forward to doing and experiencing those things and more with my own child(ren).
I will be a SAHM, but I will be freelancing (I'm a graphic designer) so maybe I should say WAHM. I know it will be difficult to juggle, but I'll give it a try. But that way I feel like I'll never give up my career. And it will be easier once the kids are in school part of the day. I kind of always saw myself as a SAHM, but I'm lucky to have a career that can be done at home, it just happened to work out that way, I didn't choose that career because of the flexibility, but it was a nice plus. And the man I married doesn't want his kid's in daycare, so that is also something I had to consider and I'm comfortable with that.
That being said my DH just gave me sh!t because I took on some extra contract projects over the next few weeks and he says "Tell them no, you have other sh!t to do" i.e. get the house ready for baby. (I'm not going to tell them no). The other day he said, "do you want to have a kid or do you want to have a job?" Maybe he doubts I can do both? But I'm determined. I just can't completely leave my job behind, so don't get me wrong, this is a hard transition.
ETA: Whether SAHM or not, I feel its important that a woman has an education and can be independent/support herself if the need arises.
I am not a SAHM yet, but would be in a heartbeat. For me education was mandatory. I knew I was going to go to college and grad school, period. Marriage and babies were secondary. Once I found that I could have the marriage and children that seemed to only happen in movies, it was a no brainer that I would want to stay home if possible.
For me Higher Education is so much more than the degrees, it's the interactions and learning more than you knew before. I would easily SAHM and take college classes while doing so, because I believe in constant learning and self-improvement.
eta: I have been working since I was about 13. I personally would rather be working for my children than working for someone else. If I had my own business my thoughts may be different.
~Declare it..Claim it..It will be!!~
5/9/09
Here We Go Again!!
I am late jumping in, but here's my 2 cents...
When I was younger, I NEVER considered being a SAHM. Ever. All through college/grad school I told myself I was going to be a working mom. Now that I'm older, married, and first baby is on the way, my tune has changed. I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat (we are still trying to decide if our living situation will allow for it). However, I would only intend to SAH until the kids are in school--then I would want to go back to work. So my education is certainly not going to be a waste, IMO.
It is important to me to be at home for our kids while they are in their pre-school years, but once they are in school, I think I would go nuts being home all day. Plus, if we have girls, it is VERY important to me that they see a mother who is both educated and works outside the home, even if it's part time. My mom always worked when I was growing up and I firmly believe that that was a huge part of my educational motivation.
This is totally how I feel. I am trying to prepare myself, however, for a change in perspective once LO comes. For years, I have been 100% career oriented, have advanced degrees and work in a high-pressure professional environment. I need to prepare myself that my career may not be as important after the baby comes --- but it very well may be, and I need to be mentally ready either way.