- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Single Parents
acia
member
How do you know if (when) to separate from DH?
acia
member
I hope it's okay that I'm asking this here - I don't have anyone to talk to in real life and I'm just feeling so stuck right now.
DH and I have been having problems for some time - I won't bore you with all the details, but basically since becoming parents we have been growing further and further apart, our differences and incompatibilities have become more glaring, and we seem to fight about everything. Lately, if I do anything "wrong" (e.g. yesterday I accidentally put one of his shirts in the dryer and it shrunk), I get my head taken off by him, yelling and swearing at me, etc. I feel like I can't do anything right, or that I have to walk on eggshells for fear of him freaking out on me. He has always had a bad temper, but it just seems worse over the last few months, and our relationship has hit rock bottom. He is also minimally involved in DD's day-to-day life since he's super busy with work - I do about 90% of the parenting, which obviously causes resentment. We've tried counselling, but it hasn't helped. Right now we're not even speaking to each other or sleeping in the same bed.
If I'm honest, I feel like the only reason I'm staying with him right now is for DD - I don't want to be a single parent, it scares the crap out of me and I don't even know what I would do (I'm a SAHM right now and only work 1 day a week). But on the other hand, I don't want DD to grow up in an unhappy household, and I certainly don't want her to think that it's okay to be treated the way DH treats me these days.
The other big issue is that we're due to move to Australia in a couple months for DH's new job. I don't know if I want to move across the world only to split up a few months later, but maybe this change will be what we need to get back on track. I just don't know.
So I guess I'm just wondering when you say enough is enough... Do I ride it out and hope it gets better, or cut my losses now? How long do you stay in a marriage that isn't working?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do you know if (when) to separate from DH?
I am sorry you're going through that. My situation was not really the same, as it was my ex's drug use and alcoholism that made me finally draw the line and end the relationship. It is really hard for me to tell someone they need to end their relationship/marriage, but my advice in your case would be to split up before the move. It would be so hard to get all the way to Australia and then have to move back. Plus, if you split up beforehand it may be the wake-up call your DH needs.
Keep in mind if he does move to another country, working out visitation and such will be that much more difficult..
Yup! You have to put your DD first. You said this isn't the environment you want her growing up in. You and your H have tried counseling...do you think there are any other options left for you? Are really only staying b/c you are scared to be a single parent? You say the marriage isn't working...so what is the point of staying? Don't you think you deserve a happy marriage with someone who respects you and treats you right?
For me, I stayed with XH longer than I should have. He is an alcoholic and was emotionally/verbally abusive...and when it became physical, that's when I knew I had to leave. But honestly, I should have not waited till it became physical. I should have left sooner.
Have you tried counseling? None of what you are saying sounds like serious deal breakers and marriage takes work.
IMO, if you are asking "when is enough, enough" there is your answer. You aren't sure and so you shouldn't make any decisions. When I was done I was DONE. I knew there was nothing left, there was not a thing I could do to save my marriage, and therefore I have NEVER second guessed my decision.
the move to Australia does sound a little scary though, considering the marriage is on the rocks. I wouldn't go, personally, until everything is worked out.
First of all I'm sorry you're going through this. The first thing I would reccomend would be some individual counceling. If he's not particiapating in couples counceling talk to someone on your own.
Second, does he know it's this serious for you? If not than when you have time to sit down un-interupted and in a non-threatening way lay it out for him. Go into it knowing what your basic needs are so you can know what you are and aren't willing to put up with. If he's receptive to the conversation than go from there start tackling the important issues one at a time. If he's shutting it down tell him what you need to say and let him know it's important to you for him to digest it and talk to you when he's ready.
If after that he's still being that unreasonable and explosive with you maybe propose him moving out there on his own for now and you and your DD staying behind for a while; a trial seperation I suppose. Also remember that it sounds like you two have a lot going on with a baby and a huge move coming up. Men and women deal with stress very differently, it's very possible (unless he has always been like this) that he doens't know how to cope; so try to be sympathetic of that without letting yourself get walked on in the process.
If he's open to it he may benefit from some individual counceling or some kind of stress management routine, (even something as simple as hitting the gym or taking a nap for an hour right after work so when he comes home he can "leave it at the door" and be there for you and your DD).
Good Luck!
I'm sorry you are dealing with this - it might not be un-fixable but you would both have to want to fix it.
I definitely don't think it would be wise to move - presumably you have no support system in Australia and that will make things harder, not easier.
I'm very new to this board, but can relate in so many ways. MH and I just decided yesterday to separate - we've been in counselor (individually and marriage) for the past 3 years on and off. Things were horrible, then "good" but I do think the good was just a temporary mask over the unresolved issued. We've decided that after 3 years of rockiness, this isn't working. It is still the most difficult decision for me to make. We have a 5 year old, and I'm very unexcited to be a single mom, but like you, I feel that I already do the majority of the parenting anyway.
Best wishes in deciding for yourself - please send me a PM if you'd like to chat more about our similarities. I could use an ear as well!
When I made this realization I knew it was time to go. The last straw was when Ex after 3 months of no job finally got a job then wanted to quit 3 weeks later to "help" me with the baby. The issues I had with Ex, were a bit different from yours (no tempers or rages) but the relationship was most definitely one sided and had been that way for at least 3 years. It was the same arguments over and over for 3 years and I finally got tired of trying. I said enough is enough, LO has to come first so Ex has to go.
It's ok to be a single mom, it's not easy but there is help out there if you look for it. Being a single mom still scares the crap out of me and it's been 9 months so far of just LO and me. But the important thing is we are making it and you and your LO can make it too.