Shall I over or under react?

DavezWife · March 2011

OMG, such a long story, I'll do my best...

Parents are a major source of irritation in my life right now.

My mom is just about giving Charlie Sheen a run for his money right now. Epic.

My dad calls me today, coughing, sputtering, muttering something about "they gave me orange juice and I have not eaten in 3 days, and what do I eat?"

My dad has been 3 bills since I've known him, "what to eat?" is not something he says. Ends up that thru cryptic decoding, this is what HE said went down today at the healthclub (a very nice chain, large facility, etc.) :

He has had this rotten cough and congestion, went to the club (gym) to sit in the hot tub and steam room. He's not eaten much the past couple of days, due to this bug. Evidently he gets up, feels faint, ignores it, and then as he's leaving, he "faints" and falls into the pool. They "fish him out, and he comes to."

They (staff??) give him orange juice and DRIVE HIM HOME. Because, according to him, he won't let them call the medics. Um, that does not add up. THEY don't get to make the decision on whether or not to call 911, my dad can be the stubborn arse I'm SURE he was, but the medics get to decide if he can refuse treatment, not the healthclub employees.

RIGHT? (I'm asking)

They decide it's fine not to call 911, but DRIVE HIM HOME? And that nuthatch of a father let's some strangers drive him home, but won't let them call 911?

He went home alone, and didn't tell me about all this until very late today. I will say my dad is SCARED TO DEATH of doctors and hospitals. He dad had a checkup when he was 11, and he dropped dead leaving the hospital. He hardly stayed 10 mins when Ava was born.

I just got a call from my mom, they ended up in the ER tonite b/c the chic at CVS (wha?) said his pulse ox was 84% and told him to head to the ER stat. It appears to be pneumonia, but not sure. Antib's and vikes for the cough pain, see your GP in the morning.

--------------------------------

Now, My father is Irish. One could easily bet their Bushmills that only half this story is true. But I'm pretty pissed off at him, AND the healthclub for handling this is the manner they evidently did.

Should I call the club mgr tomorrow? I just feel there are some major policy-lapses here. Presuming my nutty pappie is correct in his recap.

thoughts?

firsttogo · March 2011

Whelp, I would first, call and ask what exactly happened today then, if it is as daddy says, I would jump all over it.

If they drove him home, they were WAY out of line. Aging parents are a hard thing, no matter how much of a PITA they are before hand.

Cassian · March 2011

Based on the description you give of your father's tendencies, I probably wouldn't call the club. If he refused to call 911, There are always 2 sides, and usually stress and emotion and something traumatic like fainting and falling in a pool can definitely skew the accuracy of any situation. If it were me, I would let it be.

Cassian · March 2011

firsttogo:

If they drove him home, they were WAY out of line. Aging parents are a hard thing, no matter how much of a PITA they are before hand.

I don't think this out of line at all. I think it is a very courteous and safe thing for them to do. He obviously was in no condition to drive himself, and rather than send an elderly man out on the road by himself, they did the responsible thing. Where I worked at the animal hospital, we did things like this all the time to help our elderly clients.

DavezWife · March 2011

(not to nit pik, but my dad is 60, and far from "elderly" in nature.)

While it's certainly nice that they drove him home, it's weird. If he couldn't drive the 4 mi to home, he needed to be checked out. As a nurse, I'm pretty strong-headed about that. I just don't get why he would let them do THAT, but NOT call 911. I'm sure he was difficult and was being a PITA. But something is just not sitting right with me. I mean, he was not even coherant when he called me at 6pm. What do I EAT? Either he's being gamey as chit with me, or something was really wrong.

Christakim · March 2011

I'm just going to empathize.

I have a mom who refuses to get her annuals for breast exams and cancer checks and my grandmother died of ovarian cancer.

I'm sorry he is being so stubborn and IMO selfish (as is my mom).

You can try and talk to him or take your mom aside and talk to her, but I'm assuming you've already done that. Or maybe call that club and let into them a little.

Sorry T, some people there is no reasoning with, ugh. I hope he feels better soon.

firsttogo · March 2011

If I am reading right, they gave him OJ? So they thought maybe his sugar was low? I just think they should not have dropped him at home like that. That to me is not enough to ensure he was ok. "IF" that was indeed what happened.

Cassian · March 2011

DavezWife:
(not to nit pik, but my dad is 60, and far from "elderly" in nature.)

My mom is 62 and is far from elderly as well. Touche.

GuitaristsGirl · March 2011

Well, if you can't get the whole story out of your dad (or mom), I'd certainly call the club and see if you can put the pieces together. I'd do that first, sit on it a few days while you figure what, if anything, needs to be done for your dad, and then revisit it later if you still feel something critical needs said. So sorry you're dealing with this!

jenber77 · March 2011

I think, perhaps, that underreacting is the way to go in this situation, at least as far as contacting the club goes. It sounds like your dad can be pretty difficult. If it went down the way he's saying, and if he put up a big stink about not calling 911, I can imagine some well-meaning staffer saying, "Well, at least let me drive you home." Maybe they feared being liable if they let him drive home and something happened to him. And you might be missing some details.

Instead, I think you should focus your efforts on convincing your dad that he needs to seek medical attention right away if something like that happens again. And good luck with that!

DavezWife · March 2011

I'm wondering if I can somehow condense my words and just call the mgr tomorrow and say listen, dad says this happened. Not sure what really went down. But if you as a mgr can visit your company's policies in regards to "ill" members and what to do if they won't get help, that would be appreciated. I would never want them to re-approach HIM on this saying "yeh your daughter called" and now that I think about it, I don't know if it was staff that drove him home or what. The scariest thing is what really happened when he "fell" into the pool.. and what COULD have happened when he went home alone. I mean, he could have bumped his head, who knows!

(and yes, low blood sugar was what was suspected, hence the OJ. He has been taking his metformin while not eating. That plus steam/heat/feeling sick.. timber!)

GenRN45 · March 2011

Unfortunately, your father decides whether or not he wants treatment. Not the paramedics. As for the chick at CVS, many have walk In clinics staffed by nurse practitioners. That's probably what teyre referring to.

I hope he feels better soon.

krissyh21 · March 2011

If someone is not going to hang around and wait for an ambulance, the next best choice was to drive him home. (not saying this is what definitly happened, but I have been in a situation before where something similar happened and chose offering a ride rather then to watch the person drive off on his own).

I hate to say this, but your father is an adult. The only blame that can be placed here is on him.

I hope he feels better soon. I know you are angry, and probably scared something worse could have happened. But don't go shooting your guns at everyone involved. Sit down with your dad and tell him why check ups and going to the doctor is important to you for him.

LuckySunshineBaby · March 2011

I didn't read all the responses, so ignore this if it was asked?

Do they know him well?

I worked at a facility that was a gym (worked in the childcare portion mostly). I taught Children's Motor Development classes and aerobics. I did take gym floor shifts once in awhile. I can imagine driving one of our better known clients home if they felt a medic wasn't needed.

If they seem to be under the weather, I wasn't aware of an obligation to call the medics. Unless they aren't responding or are in severe distress, we would respect their wishes. DH currently runs a large facility that children are hurt at (occasionally) and if the parent waves a medic (even if DH thinks one is needed) he documents and they have to move on. End of story. The attorney at his facility was very clear to him (after a debate with a parent over their child's split open HEAD) that he has no right to call a medic if the parent declines.

So, think it's the best possible reaction from the club if they assumed nothing more serious wrong. Sounds like with the OJ and such, diabetes was a concern and once he was lucid and explaining he didn't want medical care, they were very kind in driving him home. Just my 2 cents.

howleyshell · March 2011

Ditto the "ultimately it falls on your dad" responses.

As for calling the club? If I was a manager I'd want to know what happened.

Why?

Sure it would be good to review the policy with the employees. Someone passes out = call 911 regardless of what the member requests. Let them duke it out with the paramedics once they arrive. Cover the club's butt at all costs.

More over? If who ever drove him had an accident with him in the car the club could have been sued to the sky and back. Employees are not insured to drive members in their cars. That's a law suit waiting to happen.

But... ask yourself. Would you really have wanted your dad to drive?

He refused an ambulance and they can't force him to seek medical care.

What WOULD you have wanted them to do at that point? Even if an ambulance had come and he'd refused the ride (which it sounds like he would have) - then what?

I think it was an incredible act of kindness that someone took on at great personal and professional risk to help out your dad. I personally would want the name of that person to send them a thank you card for looking out for someone I love when he wasn't looking out for himself.

And as for him not being "elderly"? I get what you're saying but honestly when someone acts crotchety, defiant and not taking logical good care of themselves and they're over 50 they often get labeled that way and that probably is how the club employees were viewing him during this incident.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know first hand how scary it is to have parents who are not in great health. I also know how very UNFUN it is when they don't seem to give a rat's @ss about TRYING to be in good health.

I think it's harder for people who understand medical stuff to deal with stubborn parents who refuse to understand and be responsible for their conditions.

I've got a long road ahead of me and it's only getting worse as she gets older.

jds0521 · March 2011

Honestly if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't call - he's a grown man & he has a wife, so if s/he wants to call the mgr @ the club, then s/he should. Unless my parents were not capable of caring for themselves/making decisions, then I'd probably stay out of it. That's JMO & how I'd handle the situation.

I hope he feels better soon!

DavezWife · March 2011

thanks everyone, all VERY good angles and advice. I still don't know what to make of it, but in my head, I would have felt better knowing they called the medics and he shoo'd them away. Some "pros" laid eyes on him and assesed what he'd let them. Rather than what appears to be, an "interally handled" minor emergency.

I am grateful to the person(s) that brought him home. And yes, you're right, Shell, they deserve thanks.

I'm likely just doing a lil' transference over their recent and most annoying behavior and words, and this is only adding to the irritation they've caused me. That and it's my daddy, and despite my disdain for him right now, that was a scary incident to hear.

Hmmm, wonder if *I* ever put them thru this chit when younger? (yes, yes I DID!)

browneyedgrl4282 · March 2011

they should have called your mother or you to come get him. It should have been your or your moms call if he goes the hospital. I don't think driving someone home that they clearly were concerned about was the right thing, what if no one was home and something happened.

emmyloustu · March 2011

Sorry to hear about your dad! I hope he is on the mend soon!

My mom works part time as a supervisor for a large grocery store chain and when an incident happens in the store where a customer is injured, falls, takes ill, etc...they always offer to call 911, but it is ultimately up to the customer to decide if they want medical treatment or not and many refuse to have the store call 911. My mom has personally offered to drive customers home though and many accept.

I tend to think the club was in the right and probably followed policy...

howleyshell · March 2011

DavezWife:
That and it's my daddy, and despite my disdain for him right now, that was a scary incident to hear.

I think this is the bottom line to all of it.

He IS your daddy. How would Daddy respond if his little girl came to him with tears in her eyes and told him from her heart that she was scared and needs him to be healthy and in her life? (ok... maybe a little "less" in at certain times but in none the less).

A lot of the anger and frustration you're feeling is probably pure fear eeking it's way out of you in all kinds of forms and directions.

Talk to him from your heart.

He's way more likely to respond to fear and pain in you than he is frustration and anger. (not that you don't know that but thought I'd point it out any way)

Frankly the club is too.

Anger begets defensiveness. Sadness, pain and fear beget sympathy, empathy and often motivation to a solution.

InACitySoNice · March 2011

Whooo Boy. I'm in the minority here, as always. I would totally overreact, call the club, and get someone over there to make sure my daddy was okay. Isn't there something called "dry drowning" or something which can occur if someone goes into the water, swallows some, and then later dies?

Too freaking scary. But I'd be all in a tangle over this one. They should have called someone -- even if it was just your mom or another sibling.

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