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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
At wit's end with H. Need advice.
I am at my wit's end with an issue that my husband and I have had since the baby was born.
My husband travels most of the time for business. He is usually gone Monday - Thursday. I also work full time, which is something I want to do (I do not want to be a SAHM). On the weekends he wants to do his things, which I agree are important and need to be done. He needs to mow the lawn, weed, house maintenance, etc., etc. I do not dispute that these are important tasks to be completed.
Meanwhile, I need to do things inside the house (I don't need to tell any of you what these things are) while at the same time looking after a crawling / pulling up baby. So my productivity is about 30%.
MH doesn't understand why I am resentful of him after he comes in from a long day of yardwork (I know it IS hard work) and I've barely gotten 30% of what I needed to get done.
His argument: it's work that needs to get done - not something that he wants to do. It's not like he's having 'fun'.
My argument: Why does he get to disappear for 5-6 hours on the weekend to do 'his tasks' uninterrupted while I try to clean AND chase a baby around. Plus, he's gone thru the week - when do I get a break?
Other data points:
- We already have a cleaning person that comes in to do the heavy cleaning. But I need to spend several hours on the weekend doing all the things that she doesn't do. Plus I'd like to cook for the week and freeze meals, etc.
- He won't hire someone to cut the grass for us. He thinks that's wasted money since he just spent a lot on a new ride-on tractor.
This problem cannot be unique to us! How do the rest of you deal?
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Re: At wit's end with H. Need advice.
While we don't have the challenges that you do with the travel for work, we alternate on the weekends. I'll take Adam to Target and stock up on things while DH cuts the grass. When we get home, he plays with Adam while I run the laundry, load the dishwasher, etc., Then I'll take him back while DH does the weedwacking, etc. Maybe it's not quite every two hours that we switch, but there is definitely chore and baby sharing on the weekends.
DH and i have had this arguement several times over the summer. Although we do not have the travel issue to deal with either. Do you at least live in a region where the seasons will change and the grass will not need to be cut over the winter months? That is what I am living for. Then, (hopefully) DH will entertain DS while I get to do the cleaning. I know that you have a cleaning lady but maybe it would be worth it to pay someone to come over on Saturdays while you do things that need to be done. We have done that a couple of times. Even if it is only for 4 hours or so. This way if you get your cleaning done in a short amount of time you can take an hour or so for yourself. I know that it is spending more money but sometimes it is worth it.
I feel your pain, I really do. Good luck, I hope that you can find a solution.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm dealing with a similar issue. DH doesn't travel, but a few times during the week, and especially on the weekend, he will just disappear for an hour or two at a time. I think he's doing something around the house and then I go look for him and he's down the basement watching some sports event on tv or playing around on his laptop.
He did this on Sunday for an hour and I was furious because I was trying to make dinner, help our daughter with something and get Ben's food ready too. He came upstairs and I was so angry/annoyed that I couldn't even speak because I knew it wouldn't be pretty. So, he got the cold shoulder. Immature? Yes. But it was better than getting into it in front of the kids. He must have sensed I was pissed because he asked if he could feed Ben and he put him to bed that night (which I usually do). We're going to have a 'discussion' this weekend and I am going to let him know that in no uncertain terms is he to just 'vanish' when Ben is awake. If he needs/wants to do something, there needs to be a dialogue about it. I wouldn't do it to him, so I expect the same courtesy in return. Other than this, he's a great dad and I don't really have any other complaints.
I would push the issue more about having someone cut the grass/do the yardwork. If you can afford it, why wouldn't you? It's more time that he can spend with his son. They grow so quickly and he'll never get this time back. I'd also reinforce that you are the primary caregiver for the whole week while he is gone and it will make you a better wife and mother to be able to have some time to get the things you need done accomplished. Good luck and keep us posted!
I have to wonder what takes him 5-6hrs each day? That's how much time we do outdoor work and inside cleaning per month! Do you have a huge yard?
Your problem isn't unique. Although my H doesn't travel, he works very strange and long hours. On the weekends, we struggle with this same issue. He needs to work outside and I need to work inside. It's always a little bit annoying because I feel like I can't get anything done inside because I'm watching DD and then I get frustrated because the weekend is gone like that and I haven't done anything productive. Then the week is just a mess! We try as hard as we can though to split the time watching DD. We have always usually done half days on the weekends. I'll let him mow or whatever Saturday morning and then at lunch, it's his turn to watch and I can clean, do laundry, etc. I used to feel bad that he was in charge of her, but not anymore. I just work hard and get stuff DONE so that hopefully Sunday we can relax as a family! It's all about compromising, I guess. Try to work out a system where you both share "babysitting" duties and it hopefully can be worked out. It's hard because spending time with your baby should be a fun time, but when you know there's so much to do, it's stressful.
Hiring a lawn person...I can see both sides. It might be a nice break for your H, one thing that he does for himself that he likes doing. But if it's impossible for him to work with you, then yeah, maybe a lawn person should be considered.
We are hiring a cleaning lady to start coming in november. I am so excited. While I dont' mind doing small stuff around the house, I just don't have the time to deep clean. I'm looking forward to the help.
You know, you can only do so much. Your DH looks like he is doing the best he can and it seems to me that this lawnmowing thing is more therapy than necessity for him.
As a FT WAHM married to a man who puts in 60 hrs a week (w/no help except for a PT Nanny 8 hrs that covers my business meetings) we are as a family learning: DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! If you can't get the house all done than just don't worry. If you can't pre-cook and you are too tired to cook order out or heat something up. Bertoli Freezer Meals are my very very best friends! Also you can try creating a safe place for baby... I have a baby pen for Harmon. I can leave him there for an occasional 30 minute stretch and get all sorts of things done (or just relax). It is filled with fun toys I alternate. Another option is that when your DH is home in the evenings (when he isn't traveling) he watches baby.
It is hard b/c I think we all want to be superman (and DH's better be Supermans) but there really is only so much you can do. Just keep the communication going and you all will find a good middle ground I am sure.
Well, I was going to say hire a lawn service until I got to the last part.
That's what we did even though we have a semi-new riding lawnmower.
Hmm I have no good advice then. Just look on the bright side- wintertime is coming and there won't be nearly as much yard work. Then by next spring he can take Hudson outside with him and let him help pick weeds!
I wonder if your expectations for your housekeeping are too high for this time in your baby's life? I clean some each day, during napping now, and when I worked FT, I would have the nanny take dd for a walk for an hour or so, leaving right before I got home, so I could get some things done. When dd was in daycare, I would leave work as early as I could a couple days a week, go home, clean for an hour, and then go pick her up. Anything I didn't get done just didn't get done.
With cooking, I also do/did what I can. When I worked, we ate frozen meals for lunches, or sandwiches, and I would either make something early in the week, like chili, that we could eat all week, or I would just boil some rice, steam some frozen veggies, and throw in some pre-cooked chicken breasts. When I worked my crock pot was my best friend. I bought a crock pot cookbook, marked the easiest recipes with sticky notes, then I could just throw stuff in and leave it.
It sounds like you have very high expectations for what you want to get done, which is good, but may be unobtainable right now. I make sure that there isn't stuff on the floor that dd can put in her mouth, and then I overlook a little dirt.
I hope you and your dh can work out a solution that works for you. I know how it feels to want to get everything done, but if you can let that go, life is so much easier. And working full-time, with a baby and a traveling spouse, must be really hard. Just give yourself a break, and try to enjoy your weekends. You deserve them!
Thank you, ladies, for all of your advice. And for mostly just letting me know that I am not alone here. I also feel a little 'guilty' when I ask MH to watch the baby. I guess I figure I shouldn't have to 'ask' - it's his child too!
One very annoying thing that MH has tried to pull - if we agree that I need 2 hours in the house and it's his 'turn' to watch the baby, he will put H down for a nap, take the monitor outside with him and say, 'if he wakes up I'll come running right in!'.
Ummmm - of course he's going to wake up you knucklehead - I need to clean his room, do his laundry, etc. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL!
I can see how it is taking DH that long - we have 1/2 acre, and DH has been doing all the same things. Our lawn takes approximately 2 hours each week just to mow (with tractor and push), edge (weed-whack), and clean up (blower, rinse mowers, etc). He's also been doing the aerating, etc. We have a vegetable garden, as well, that takes tons of time. I don't think he's wasting time.
I am wondering what you are doing, though, if you have a cleaning person? I clean my house, top to bottom, each week. The things that don't get done each week are rotated (i.e. wiping baseboards, etc). I can clean the entire house in 2-3 hours, depending on what I have to do. I usually do it during nap time, and then vaccum with DD in the exersaucer..
Laundry doesn't take much effort, except for folding, which I do while DD is playing on the floor. I sit near her and fold.
I cook dinner while she plays on the floor.
I also work from home, which means my weekdays are spent working while she naps, so I'm not really getting much done then.
Bottom line, I think you both need to use your time more effectively. Your child must nap and most likely goes to be before you. Do your most difficult things then, and save the easier stuff for when you can have DC playing nearby.
We went through the exact same thing without the travel and I would cry and feel like a dumbass for being upset with DH for spending the day pulling weeds because yeah he really wanted to do it and he thought I was a loon but didn't want me to be upset yet we couldn't just let the house got to sh!t either.
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Finally I told him it just couldn't be ALL DAY, he couldn't spend the entire weekend doing chores and leave me with the baby. ?So now either we take days as primary caregiver, ie I'm on Sat and he's on for Sunday or we if there are chores no-one can take more than 3-4 hours at a stretch and if it's something like weeding or clippings than DS gets to play outside on the law and the other person gets a bit of a break.?
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Maybe you could hire someone every other week to do the yard so DH still gets to play with his fancy lawnmower but chores don't take up every weekend and you can have an off weekend for family time??