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Pregnant after a Loss
jgengo0
member
Not sure where I belong..Just lost one of our little girls at 26 weeks
jgengo0
member
I'm not sure where I belong...I just found out we lost one of our little girls on Tuesday (26 weeks). I feel like I don't belong over by miscarriage/pregnancy loss, because we still have one baby. I'm just feel sharing with women who I am sure share my anxiety would be benifical.
Here is my story
I am a mess of emotions right now. DH went to work for a half a day and my parents are here helping out, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone. My mom is busy cleaning the house and I just need some alone time. I just want to write out my feelings instead of having to talk to people. So thanks for letting me get this out...if I can.
Monday I noticed baby B wasn't moving like baby A. I just had a "bad feeling." I pulled out the doppler and heard baby A's heartbeat loud and clear, but could not seem to find Baby B's. I heard what I thought was her placenta and figured maybe she was hiding. I swear I tried to find her heartbeat for 3 hrs then finally went to bed and thought I she would move in the night and I would be able to pick it up in the morning. I woke up at 5, pulled it out and again searched for 3 hrs...I felt some movement in her area, but it's so hard to distiguish who is moving. Again, I just had a really bad feeling. I had an appointment scheduled for Wednesday morning, but I couldn't wait. I called the nurse and they reccomended that I come in for a stress test. DH came with me, thank god. They put the monitor on me, picked up baby a, but of course, not baby b. They tried to reassure me that twins like to hide. I didn't believe them. Thankfully they were able to get me in for an ultrasound. As soon as the tech put the wand down she looked for a second then turned the monitor around and showed us baby A and said she had a very strong heartbeat. I knew right then something was wrong..l knew baby A was fine...why are you showing me baby A ...then told us that she was so sorry, but baby B no longer had a heartbeat and went to get the doctor. Sitting there waiting was agonizing. What a cruel joke. I am 26 weeks along...this just shouldn't happen. The NT scan was PERFECT, our genetic testing came back PERFECT, their anatomy scan was PERFECT. The doctor said things couldn't look better. so so unfair. The doctor looked for a few minutes and could not determine that there was anything wrong. No fluid around the heart, brain etc. Just an anomaly.
We met with the maternal fetal specialist right after and he told us that they can't promise anything, but baby A looks healthy and should be fine....Baby B was FINE and HEALTHY. This doesn't make me any less scared. He also said they are going to wait until she is full term, that taking her now would be too dangerous. I wanted her out that second. I can't stand this wait and see game. What If I have an infection they can't detect? What if she has a cord accident too? What if she has a blood clot? How am I going to do deal knowing baby B is right under my ribs and I can still feel her butt and head? It's torture.
After the appointment I just couldnt go home. I made DH take me to target to walk around. In his own way he tried comforting me saying we can try again for another real soon after baby A. I don't want another...I wanted baby B. Other than that comment he has been great. Sitting on the floor by me when I take a bath, never leaving my side. He is the only one I want around right now. His company was very nice and sent us over a huge thing of flowers. I wanted to throw them in the trash. I just want it all to go away. I keep torturing myself walking by the fridge looking at her pictures. I want to put them away. Then I get all upset and feel bad for even thinking I want to put them away. I don't want to eat, but know I have to. I know I am so lucky to still have one baby, but it doesn't make the pain any less.
I don't know how I am going to go about buying the things we still need for baby A. I don't want to jinx myself. The past two nights I just lay in bed holding my breath making sure I felt A move. These next couple of months are going to be the hardest months of my life. If you can spare any prayers for our baby A I would appreciate it so much. I don't think I could handle two seperate losses.
Thank you for letting me get this out. Does anyone have a similar experience?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Not sure where I belong..Just lost one of our little girls at 26 weeks
MC 9/8/10
Baby Boy Born 7/31/11
I'm so very sorry.
You are definitely in the right place for support. My heart shatters for you and your family.
APS, hetero factor v leiden & MTHFR
bfp #1 - 12.11.07, edd 8.14.08, mm/c 1.21.08 (10w4d)
bfp #2 - 4.4.08, edd 12.3.08, mm/c 5.14.08 (11w)
bfp #3 - 8.3.08, edd 4.15.09, mm/c 9.17.08 (10w)
bfp #4 - 1.15.09, edd 9.26.09, mm/c 2.16.09 (8w2d)
bfp #5 - 6.16.09, edd 2.25.10, mm/c 7.23.09 (9w)
bfp #6 - 8.12.10, edd 4.27.11, mm/c 9.16.10 (8w1d)
one more try -> bfp #7 - 2.11, our miracle baby boy arrived 10.11
ttc again -> bfp #8 - 5.3.13, edd 1.13.14, mm/c 5.30.13 (7w3d)
I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what this must be like for you, but I do hope that you find support and comfort here, as much as you can.
(((HUGS)))
TTC#1 since May 2009
PCOS * Hypothyroid
Bean - BFP May 26, 2010. EDD Feb 3, 2011. Natural Miscarriage 8w5d - June 29, 2010.
Pumpkin - BFP Feb 8, 2011. EDD Oct 21, 2011. Natural Miscarriage 6w3d - Feb 28, 2011.
May 2015: IUI#2 - nada.
Oh I am so sorry. What a horrible ordeal. You and your family, esp. Baby A are in my prayers.
I have not experienced a twin pg. with a loss but I did lose my son at 16.5w for no reason at all. His NT scan was perfect, every u/s was perfect, all tests on him were perfect. There is no explanation at all. My story is exactly like yours. I could not find his hb one day, thought he may be hiding, tried again for hours the next day...nothing. Asked to come in and the Dr. confirmed what I already knew. I completely understand the fear -- if everything was perfect why won't it happen again? I live in fear every day that the daughter I am carrying will just die inside me too.
((hugs)) I think this is the perfect place for you because we all understand the fear you are describing.
DD #1 born 9/07 ** DD #2 born 7/11 ** Operation Take Back My Body has begun 10/11
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Lost Lilah (Audra's twin) at 26 weeks. Cause unknown. Forever in our hearts
First and foremost, you are welcome here.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the range and depth of emotion that you are dealing with right now, and my heart breaks for you.
Sending T&P to you and your family, and virtual ((hugs)) to you at this most idfficult time.
BFP #1 5/2010 - Missed m/c at 8 weeks
BFP #2 2/2011
Baby G welcomed with love and relief 10/2011
Surprise BFP 1/8/2013...say what? Baby A arrived 9/2013
Motherhood is not for wimps
Huge hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't have any experience in losing one baby in a twin PG, but everything that you wrote in your post...all your emotions sound completely normal. One again, I'm so sorry.
BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
Lots of T&Ps for you, your DH, and baby A.
I have a partial experience. I had my anatomy scan on March 1st 2010, showing that baby A & Baby B were both very healthy.
My Water broke at 23 weeks, and my daughter they said ( baby A) had died 1 week prior so sometime after the March 1st scan date.
My son was perfectly healthy but due to infection he needed to be delievered.
I am hoping that your baby A can bake longer. I am so sorry about Baby B. It's hard losing a twin, especially when you bonded with them for 26 weeks.
((HUGS))
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
I am so sorry for everything you're going through. I think you have come to a good place for comfort and support.
While my experience was different, I lost my first baby at 20 weeks. Like yours, she was completely healthy. We'd had genetic testing done which came out perfect. But my water broke at 20 weeks and I quickly developed an infection, so we were forced to deliver. I still miss her everyday.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope Baby A continues to be healthy and strong. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
BFP 1: 3/19/10 Loss: 7/9/10
BFP 2: 12/28/10
My Blog: Losing Sylvia
Thanks so much for the t &p. It makes things a bit easier knowing other people have said a prayer for her as well. I look forward to getting to know you all a little better.
P.s sorry for all the mis-spelling. My brain isn't working very clearly today.
Lost Lilah (Audra's twin) at 26 weeks. Cause unknown. Forever in our hearts
I am so sorry for your loss.
I don't have any direct experience with this, but I read a blog by a woman who was pregnant with twins, and one passed away in utero. She delivered her other twin prematurely, but baby was a fighter and is now a thriving and healthy 3 year old girl. She blogged during her whole experience and also wrote a book about it. Her blog is at flotsamblog.com, and her book is called Half Baked by Alexa Stevenson.
October 2011 - DS (7)
July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)
August 2015 - DD (3)
April 2018 - 5 week loss
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. You are absolutely welcome here. Both you and your babies will be in my T&P.
The parental grief forum on www.twinstuff.com may also be a good fit for you. I know there were, unfortunately, several stories similar to yours there when I happened upon the site awhile back.
BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11
BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14
My Recipe Blog
~All AL'ers welcome~
My heart is breaking for you and your family as you deal with this terrible tragedy. How I wish I had the words to give you strength and comfort...Please post as often as you need to, we are all hear to listen and support you. Much love to you, your husband, and your twins.
I am so very sorry for your loss of you're little girl. Hopefully you'll find some good support on this board to help you get through the next couple of months - I cannot imagine how hard this is on you and your husband. You and your baby are in the prayers. (((hugs)))
After our loss I threw out all our u/s photos, so I totally understand how you feel in that respect.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no other words to comfort you other than your entire family are in our T&P. This board has helped so many of us with coping with our fears. I hope that you and your H can find peace and comfort in this time.
((HUGS))
The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware; joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. -Henry Miller
http://cookthehumbletable.blogspot.com/
My heart breaks for you and your DH....it sucks so bad, and when there seems to be absolutely no reason, it's just that much worse. ((Hugs)) and lots of t&p.
This board is such a rock when things feel like they're going to fall apart.