Can we have open letters now?

triumphantreturnofplanningbug · October 2008

I need one. And I'm nosy and want to see what other

people are thinking.

Dear Dog,

I KNOW that it's cold. I don't really want to go outside

either.

But pooping in your crate at 1 in the morning is NOT

an appropriate solution.

And the whole eating it thing?

If you had pooped outside, you could have had room

to sleep in your crate without disposing of it that way.

This is why I chase you around the house with dog

mouthwash.

Sincerely,

Your very tired foster mom.

BrendaK · October 2008

I forgot how much I love these! I have a few. I hope no one minds.

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Dear GD,

I get it. You're here for the next 6.5 months. I understand that you forbid me from eating pizza, cereal, ice cream, and candy bars. But I'm pregnant, and I want these things. Can't we compromise? Can't we talk it over? Can't we hug it out? Maybe over a hot fudge sundae?

P.S. Can you please go away for Thanksgiving?

Love,
Brenda

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Dear Baby,

Please start moving in a way that allows me to feel you. Please keep growing and becoming a fabulous junior version of me. Please have a loud, strong heartbeat that I can hear for the first time via a doppler at today's appointment.

P.S. Please be cute, and have my adorable feet.

Love,
Your Mother

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Dear Boss,

Despite the fact that I've told you, and continue to drop it into conversations, please understand and appreciate that I am pregnant. This hereto means that I am irritable, tired, and utterly unambitious. I get that this is a busy time and an exciting project, and normally I'd be honored to work on it, but I'm just not and I can't pretend to be. I am busy growing a baby. Certainly your wife, who has surely never worked a day in her life, must be able to explain how difficult pregnancy is, and should tell you to leave the pregnant girl alone for the next 6.5 months. Scratch, make that 12 months... or indefinitely.

Respectfully,
Your Employee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahhhh, much better!

Brenda

shauna060708 · October 2008

I only have one today.

Dear AF-

F-off.

-Shauna

MrsJoanieP · October 2008

Dear everyone in this country,

250 thousand dollars a year is a lot of money. It's a quarter of a freaking million dollars every.single.year. Quit talking like it's not. If you can't live a nice life on 250 thousand dollars, then that's on you and perhaps you should reexamine your budgeting skills. But, quit being dramatic and making it sound like it's so much less than what it really is.

Sincerely,

An Obama supporter

DomerJenC · October 2008

Dear Country,

Don't f* things up again this year.

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Dear DH,

Remember when you used to tell me I was pretty and hold doors for me and stuff? I could go for that again, rather than you making funny remarks. I know you are insanely patient with me, and let me have my way all the time, but I'm needy and I want more. Smile Oh, and bring me flowers.

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Dear rich business owners:

If you have a partnership, foundation, corporation, or the like, how about paying someone to do your books so that I don't have to create a general ledger for your entity out of 30 pages of transaction history in order to do your tax return. That'd be great!

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Dear DomerBaby,

WTF was that thing you did this morning? It felt like a ripple all the way up my belly! Pretty cool, but awfully strange. Maybe just stick w/ kicking when your daddy wants to feel? Great.

Bride7-14-07 · October 2008

Dear J's Birth Mom,

Okay seriously! You need to grow up and stop being jealous of the relationship I have with your son. The email that you sent to DH was uncalled for. Also stop thinking that you have every right to make and change the court order that you and my DH agreed to. You have already been in contemp on several things. Looks what is best for your son for once and NOT yourself!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear tile workers,

Thank you again for remodeling our lobby. It looks beautiful! However, is it really necessary to keep the huge lobby door open when its 30 degrees out. Leave the doors shut!

CiaoBella07 · October 2008

Dear body,

Please do what you're supposed to this month. My nerves would really appreciate it. I'm feeling kind of discouraged these days.

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Dear ACE Fellowship RLT members,

I really like being a part of the regional leadership team, but please give me more than 24 hours notice that we are meeting. Tuesday was supposed to be my night off and I had looked forward to putting up Halloween decorations. Instead, it became night 2 of at least 3 where I didn't get home until after 9.

Thanks, your cranky co-leader

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear DH,

Please don't limit yourself with applications for school. Applying to one law school in the middle of nowhere just because your dad went there and you have a full scholarship is what I call settling. I think this is an issue where I will put my foot down, and I know that you know this. So why can't we just talk about it and try to compromise?

I know this is about you going to school, but it's also about me continuing to grow professionally and personally. I know deep down you understand this.

Love, your wife who grew up in LA and doesn't think she can picture herself in Southern Illinois (not to mention the town where you grew up)

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whew - I had a lot to get off my chest! Thanks for the open letter invite...

lemen99 · October 2008

Dear Doctor,

Why does your ultrasound equipment only record on a VHS tape? Get with times, because I'd like a movie of our baby.

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Dear Serena & Lily,

Why must your fabric but so heart-achingly cute, yet more expensive than I can stand to spend.

-----------------------------------------

Dear Pontiac Salesman,

You must have a pact with Goodyear. All of your cars on the lot just "happen" to have the "upgraded" 17-inch wheels, and I fell for it. Yeah, sure, they look nice - but now I'm replacing tires for the first time, and it's going to cost me $175 a tire. I hate you.

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eclaires · October 2008

Dear Barack Obama and John McCain,

I hate you both. I hate all of your supporters, including my own mother. I hate politics and I hate this country right now. I cannot wait for this election to be over. I really can't. I'll go vote, kicking and screaming the whole way, because I appreciate the right I have in this country, but I think you both suck huge monkey nuts. Also, I think your supporters suck and are majorly annoying. On both sides. Did I mention that I cannot wait for the election to be over? Your ads are really annoying too. So whoever said I should be grateful to live in a slightly battleground state this year where my vote counts, eff off. I'm sick of seeing their ugly mugs.

Sincerely,

A cynical citizen who thinks neither of these clowns is worth a vote

P.S. Just because I'm a registered Independent does not mean I need to be inundated with both of your crappy mailers every day. This is because I hate both the Republicans and Democrats, not because I can't decide which side I'm on. Ok, thanks! Save the trees, yo.

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Dear Jackson,

You will be going on ebay very soon if you don't quit with the up/down stuff about eating. It's driving Mommy insane, and no one likes a mommy in a mental institution.

Hugz,

Mommy

------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------

Dear baby Jesus,

Would you please give me the numbers to win the lottery? I've got a lot on my shopping list currently and I am on a budget. Also, could we get some calorie free (or hell, even weight loss inducing) pizza and brownies?

Thanks so much,

Beth

CiaoBella07 · October 2008

LOL Beth, I loved that last one! And I totally agree with you on the creepy mailers.

fruitcakes · October 2008

Dear cold,

Please remove yourself from my body. I'm tired of sleeping 12 hours a day, then chugging Dayquil to stay up the other 12 hours. Most of all, I'm tired of smelling like Vaporub. It kind of makes me nauseous.

--------------

Dear extra body fat,

Go.away.

eclaires · October 2008

I mean seriously. And they all come addressed to me, of course, because I'm the registered Independent in this house. Sigh, less than a week at this point (hopefully). Although if 2000 and 2004 are any indication, it might not be over on Tuesday. 2004 was marginally better; it was over Wednesday or Thursday I think.

I will, in fact, lose my damn mind if it is anything like 2000. That is one thing I know for sure. However it could be marginally less irritating for me since in 2000 I was a poli sci major in my second year of college. LOL. So naturally that is ALL we talked about.

ukannie · October 2008

Dear friends,

Please stop asking us when we are going to have a baby. I have a serious longing to have a baby but I have been told we have to be sensible and wait. It is hard enough to stick to without people questioning us on it.

THanks,

Annie

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Dear US Citizenship and Immigration people,

Don't you think it would make more sense to let me work so I can contribute with taxes etc instead of sitting on my arse all day living off my husband. It would be beneficial to everyone if you were to re-think the non-working until you have a greencard policy.

A very bored and broke housewife.

iucarrie · October 2008

Dear narrow minded family members,

Please stop forwarding email about how Obama is the anti-Christ, burns the flag and wants to change our national anthem to "I'd like to Teach the World to Sing." Think about it before you pass along such garbage. Seriously!

______________________________________________________________

Dear boobs,

Please pick up the milk production. I'm starting to get depressed when I pump and I am close to giving up on you entirely!

_______________________________________________________________

I have others but I feel better get those two out there! Have a great day everyone!!!

ukannie · October 2008

Dear Dog,

Please don't give me those sad eyes when I tell you you can't sleep in our bed, and make me feel like I'm the meanest mommy out there. You have TWO comfy, clean and cute beds of your own to sleep in. If you hadn't started wetting in our bed I'm sure your dad would've guilted me into letting you sleep in ou bed forever. But I don't want my bed ruined with dog pee.

Your loving mommy.

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Dear green pepper plant,

Why is it that your label says you love sunshine, yet you only grew one pepper all summer, and have decided, now that the weather is cold and there is less sun, that you are going to grow six. I really don't want to have to take you in and out of the garage everyday so that you don't die of cold.

Hurry up and grow your peppers!

IndyGirl02 · October 2008

Dear Dissertation Committee,

Tomorrow when we meet, please nod and smile and tell me I'm great and please PLEASE tell me that my current study can be my LAST one. I know there are "future directions," there always are, but I would very much enjoy writing my dissertation and graduating, rather than pursuing five more labor-intensive experiments.

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Dear Career Options,

Please get together and discuss what is going to be best for me, my husband, our careers, and our future family. Present your findings in a clear and concise manner. I have enough stress trying to get a dissertation written; I don't need to also be stressing about WTF to do when I'm finished. Kthxbye.

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Dear Time,

Can I have more? Like, maybe a couple 30-hour days per week?

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Dear Santa,

Bring money.

NDwife07 · October 2008

Dear Poop,

?

Decide already. Either stay in for days at a time, as you have been, or come out approx. once a day. Five times in one morning is a little excessive. Make up your mind.

Love,

Irritable Lauren

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Dear SUPER Pushy Motherhood Maternity Saleswoman,

No, I do not want to buy a case of Preggie Pops. No I do not want to look for a cute pair of holiday pants. No I do not want to join the mailing list for free disposable diapers. Oh, and I totally saw you looking me up and down when I walked in. I know I'm dressed like a scrub today, but you don't have to scoff when my credit card was INCORRECTLY declined. Would you like to talk to my CC company? Because they think you're an ass, too.

?

Love,

Irritable Lauren?

critterchik · October 2008

Dear Verizon Wireless,

I hate you for all the problems you've caused the last 3 weeks. I hate that because of YOUR mistake my account is overdrawn and you still haven't put my money back. I hate that every time I call someone tells me something the person before would not. I hate that you don't give a crap that I can't get gas or food until you put my huge chunk of money you took from my bank account back. Please get off your ass and give me my money.

* Your disgruntled customer who wants to pull her account and tell you to sincerely shove it...

_____________________________________________________________

Dear body,

WTF is wrong? I'm getting very frustrated that you don't want to eat anything and that you are so exhausted all the time. Wake the Eff up and start feeling better.

Oh... and the nightmares and wacked out dreams need to stop.

Thank you very much...

______________________________________________________________

Dear DH,

Please please please be patient with me. I know for the last couple weeks I have not been myself but I'm dealing with a lot. I just need you to smile and nod at me sometimes even though you just want to tell me to stop being such a devil spawn.

Also, I know you're frustrated that you are the only one working and that we are so broke because I got laid off... but I'm trying my best to find another job to fill in until at least December comes. Please try not to make underhanded comments when you're upset about how you're the only one who works. I'm trying and it's hurtful.

Love

Your emotional wife...

______________________________________________________________

One more...

Dear mountains of laundry,

piss off and go wash yourself... I'm over it.

Sincerely

The stuck-at-home-but-hates-it house wife

Val&B0604 · October 2008

Dear DH,

You were upset that our cell phone bill shows a past due balance...it was due while I was giving birth ... bills were not a priority while I was pushing out a baby. ?Also in analyzing said bill I see you have used the pay per use internet enough to make $21 in charges.

Sincerley,

Your current SAHW?

MrsRender06 · October 2008

Dear Stress,

Go Away

Dear Bills,

Pay yourself please!

Dear Santa,

Send money please.

Dear hair and makeup,

Please do yourself today, I don't have time.

Dear Groceries,

Please some how miraculously make it into my cabinets,freezer, and fridge without making me go out and get you and have to spend money. Thank you so much.

fishy22 · October 2008

Dear coworker,

Stop sending me forwards.

If you do think it's super valuable information, at least check its validity on Snopes first. It's a simple search that usually only takes less than a minute. I'm sick of responding "Not actually true. Please check stuff on Snopes before you hit forward."

Wants her inbox back,
Your coworker.

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Dear Target,

Take your effing carseat back.

No, I don't have a receipt. It was a gift.

Yes it was purchased from your store. There is a sticker on the side of the box with the name and address of the Target from which it came.

No, it's not defective. It's the wrong type of seat.

Thanks to your crappy return policy and crappy customer service, I'm stuck with an expensive seat I can't use.

Eff off and die.
-Your "Guest"

drmorgan2be · October 2008

Dear Patients,

Could you do me a favor and please stop b!tching about how expensive your dental work is. It's half price! And no, I don't get paid to do it, I pay to do it. Your filling that cost you less than fifty bucks this morning cost me more than 50 buck to do. Seriously, I don't feel sorry for you when you listen to you iphone the entire time I work on you.

XOXO,

Your Dental Student

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Dear LuLu,

Could you please join planningbug's puppy on the not relieving yourself in your crate train? It would be just great.

Love,

Your Yellow Laundry Overloaded Mother

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That was great! We should do this every week!

HitchedinIN · October 2008

Dear Insurance company,

Screw you!

Signed,

Infertile Myrtle

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Dear Body,

Screw you, too! And while you're at it, get pregnant!

Signed,

Bitter Betty

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