How to respond - re: inviting kids to DS's bday...

kgail11 · March 2011

This isn't so much baby related - but I need some advice on how to respond to people about something.

We're doing DS's 3rd bday party at The Little Gym. The party includes 14 kids - each one over that limit is $15 per kid. I invited about 16 or so kids - thinking 1/3 or maybe even half would not come for whatever reason. Now, some moms of his friends (in preschool, that I don't know too well) are asking me if they can bring the sibling - bc their spouse works that day or whatever... how can I politely tell them no?? I think we'll reach our 14 kid limit. I don't want to be out extra dough for kids' siblings, or even have to ask them to pay - it seems so rude. How do I respond?

fragglefan · March 2011

Honestly, I'd tell them that the day is about your son and his friends and that you'd like to request any siblings stay at home...unless your son is friends with both of them. I dunno, it just seems if the siblings come that they'll just try to spend time with their own siblings while there iykwim? I really don't know though, this is my first so I have no previous experience with this...

tlxh7 · March 2011

(Note: This is our first baby, I have no experience actually doing this.)

Are you okay with the extra kids coming if you don't pay? If so, I would tell these moms that there is an extra charge of $15 for additional kids, and that if they're willing to pay that, the child is welcome to attend. I wouldn't consider it rude - there's no reason for you to shell out a lot of extra money for kids not friends with your son.

Also, I would post this on the Parenting board - they'll probably have some good advice!

elisbu · March 2011

tlxh7:

(Note: This is our first baby, I have no experience actually doing this.)

Are you okay with the extra kids coming if you don't pay? If so, I would tell these moms that there is an extra charge of $15 for additional kids, and that if they're willing to pay that, the child is welcome to attend. I wouldn't consider it rude - there's no reason for you to shell out a lot of extra money for kids not friends with your son.

Also, I would post this on the Parenting board - they'll probably have some good advice!

This

MaybeBaby2 · March 2011

I would politely tell them that you have budgeted and planned for 14 kids and anything over that is $15/child. That if they want to bring a sibling, they are welcome, but to expect to pay that amount for the tag along.

You say you don't want to ask them to pay, but don't want to pay the overage.You're in a difficult spot. Sorry.

pinkpear · March 2011

I would tell the parents no and say that this is your son's birthday and you think his friends will have a better time without their sibling. Tell them that you have planned activities for 3 year olds and don't have things planned for other age groups.

I'm a firm believer that there are special events for each child and kids should be allowed to attend a party without their sibling there. I think that it is very rude of these parents to even ask you! It's not your job to provide childcare for their children.

Mrs.Saxy · March 2011

I would just play it out....pay extra if need be. There are usually last minute things and some kids can't go anyway.

ironmommy · March 2011

I wouldn't ask siblings to stay home, and I wouldn't ask parents to pay. I think this is just a normal part of birthday parties, honestly. I was just talking to a mom I know in a similar position. She's having her daughter's birthday at the zoo, and sibling requests are bringing her over the limit, so she's going to have to pay more.

If it costs you $50 more, so be it. In the end keeping the peace with the other parents would be worth it -- to me, at least.

pinkpear · March 2011

I guess I'm shocked to see a number of people say that siblings just come with the party. This LO is my first and so I've never had to deal with this with my child but I have had to deal with this on another level.

My full time job was in Children's Ministry. I'd plan events for children and would constantly be asked if a sibling who just barely missed the age cut-off could attend and I always said no. I explained to parents that I believe in milestones and we shouldn't give younger children the same milestones just because an older sibling is already there. It makes it less special for the older sibling and then the younger child doesn't have something to look forward to.

Growing up it always made me feel special to have my "own event" away from my siblings when I attended birthday parties. Don't you thing it it is a little unfair to the sibling who is actually invited?

AMYRENEE27 · March 2011

ironmommy:

I wouldn't ask siblings to stay home, and I wouldn't ask parents to pay. I think this is just a normal part of birthday parties, honestly. I was just talking to a mom I know in a similar position. She's having her daughter's birthday at the zoo, and sibling requests are bringing her over the limit, so she's going to have to pay more.

If it costs you $50 more, so be it. In the end keeping the peace with the other parents would be worth it -- to me, at least.

This is what I would do!

Callidryas · March 2011

MaybeBaby#2:
I would politely tell them that you have budgeted and planned for 14 kids and anything over that is $15/child. That if they want to bring a sibling, they are welcome, but to expect to pay that amount for the tag along.
You say you don't want to ask them to pay, but don't want to pay the overage.You're in a difficult spot. Sorry.

I would rather have my child's friend and sibling come to the party than them to not come at all because you wouldn't allow the sibling to come and Mom didn't want to get a sitter. My advice would be to ask the parent to pay for add'l children besides the invited child. And next time budget for more than you invite or have it at a playground, they just want to run around with their friends and have fun, eat cake and open presents anyways! Have fun with your party.

kammmmay · March 2011

pinkpear:
I guess I'm shocked to see a number of people say that siblings just come with the party. This LO is my first and so I've never had to deal with this with my child but I have had to deal with this on another level.
My full time job was in Children's Ministry. I'd plan events for children and would constantly be asked if a sibling who just barely missed the age cut-off could attend and I always said no. I explained to parents that I believe in milestones and we shouldn't give younger children the same milestones just because an older sibling is already there. It makes it less special for the older sibling and then the younger child doesn't have something to look forward to.
Growing up it always made me feel special to have my "own event" away from my siblings when I attended birthday parties. Don't you thing it it is a little unfair to the sibling who is actually invited?

I agree. This is a party for your son and his friends, not for his friends siblings. Parents shouldn't assume that their whole family is invited when one of their children is invited to something. Sure, sometimes they feel left out, but they will have their parties to go to when they get older.

I would just inform those parents that there isnt room for the gym instructor to have more children attend, if that makes you feel better.

pandi02a · March 2011

pinkpear:

I explained to parents that I believe in milestones and we shouldn't give younger children the same milestones just because an older sibling is already there. It makes it less special for the older sibling and then the younger child doesn't have something to look forward to.

This is completely true. I used to have to take my little sister everywhere. I hated it and so did my friends. We were 3 years apart, developmentally that is a big difference as a young child. When I started driving my sister seriously didn't understand why I could drive and she couldn't. Of course every milestone I had up to that point she got to have too. It wasn't fair to me and it gave her a false sense of entitlement. Of course now that we are both older, she turned out okay in the long run but I won't do that to my oldest.

::Now that I am off my soapbox::

I understand the parents wanting the kids to come because it's easier for them, and it's not really your place to teach these parents about what I said above. I guess I would try to keep the peace and ask that the additional children be accompanied by a parent and paid for by the parent. It shouldn't be your responsibility to watch after so many kids. Of course if you don't end up reaching the 14 limit then don't make them pay.

kgail11 · March 2011

Callidryas:
MaybeBaby#2:
I would politely tell them that you have budgeted and planned for 14 kids and anything over that is $15/child. That if they want to bring a sibling, they are welcome, but to expect to pay that amount for the tag along.
You say you don't want to ask them to pay, but don't want to pay the overage.You're in a difficult spot. Sorry.
I would rather have my child's friend and sibling come to the party than them to not come at all because you wouldn't allow the sibling to come and Mom didn't want to get a sitter. My advice would be to ask the parent to pay for add'l children besides the invited child. And next time budget for more than you invite or have it at a playground, they just want to run around with their friends and have fun, eat cake and open presents anyways! Have fun with your party.

Perfect advice. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

MaybeBaby2 · March 2011

pandi02a:
This is completely true. I used to have to take my little sister everywhere. I hated it and so did my friends. We were 3 years apart, developmentally that is a big difference as a young child. When I started driving my sister seriously didn't understand why I could drive and she couldn't. Of course every milestone I had up to that point she got to have too. It wasn't fair to me and it gave her a false sense of entitlement. Of course now that we are both older, she turned out okay in the long run but I won't do that to my oldest.

That sucks that your parents made you bring your younger sister with you everywhere. But that's not necessarily the case in this situation. It is about logistics (from what I understand) and not about trying to procure an invitation to the party for a younger sibling.

kammmmay:
pinkpear:
I guess I'm shocked to see a number of people say that siblings just come with the party. This LO is my first and so I've never had to deal with this with my child but I have had to deal with this on another level.
Growing up it always made me feel special to have my "own event" away from my siblings when I attended birthday parties. Don't you thing it it is a little unfair to the sibling who is actually invited?
I agree. This is a party for your son and his friends, not for his friends siblings. Parents shouldn't assume that their whole family is invited when one of their children is invited to something. Sure, sometimes they feel left out, but they will have their parties to go to when they get older.
I would just inform those parents that there isnt room for the gym instructor to have more children attend, if that makes you feel better.

IMO, this isn't about a sibling feel left out. This is about a parent not wanting to pay for a sitter for a younger sibling, which I can totally understand.
I understand both sides of what everyone is saying. But as a parent, I would not pay for a sitter for my younger child just to take my older to a birthday party.
If the children are far enough apart, more than likely they won't even be playing with the children invited to the party (since they will be apart developmentally).

(But, then again, if it were me, I wouldn't ask to bring a younger sibling that was old enough to participate. Sure I'll bring Baby Boy to birthday parties DD attends now, but they'll be 4YO apart.)

pandi02a · March 2011

MaybeBaby#2:

pandi02a:
This is completely true. I used to have to take my little sister everywhere. I hated it and so did my friends. We were 3 years apart, developmentally that is a big difference as a young child. When I started driving my sister seriously didn't understand why I could drive and she couldn't. Of course every milestone I had up to that point she got to have too. It wasn't fair to me and it gave her a false sense of entitlement. Of course now that we are both older, she turned out okay in the long run but I won't do that to my oldest.
That sucks that your parents made you bring your younger sister with you everywhere. But that's not necessarily the case in this situation. It is about logistics (from what I understand) and not about trying to procure an invitation to the party for a younger sibling.

Which is why I separated that part from my opinion on this situation. I went on to say that I would let the kids come and just ask the parents to pay.

MaybeBaby2 · March 2011

pandi02a:
Which is why I separated that part from my opinion on this situation. I went on to say that I would let the kids come and just ask the parents to pay.

Yes, you're right. I was merely addressing the fact that what you had growing up seriously would suck. Sorry if that was misunderstood. I know you were not projecting on the situation that you had growing up.

kristennd · March 2011

Since they are basically asking you to be the sitter for the sibling, I think it is more than reasonable to ask them to pay the $15.

Although I still don't think their choice is fair to either of their children.

kgail11 · March 2011

Thanks for all the advice - very grateful!

And at the very least, this will remind me as a mother what NOT to do - how it puts another mother in a tough situation.

kammmmay · March 2011

MaybeBaby#2:

pandi02a:
This is completely true. I used to have to take my little sister everywhere. I hated it and so did my friends. We were 3 years apart, developmentally that is a big difference as a young child. When I started driving my sister seriously didn't understand why I could drive and she couldn't. Of course every milestone I had up to that point she got to have too. It wasn't fair to me and it gave her a false sense of entitlement. Of course now that we are both older, she turned out okay in the long run but I won't do that to my oldest.
That sucks that your parents made you bring your younger sister with you everywhere. But that's not necessarily the case in this situation. It is about logistics (from what I understand) and not about trying to procure an invitation to the party for a younger sibling.
kammmmay:
pinkpear:
I guess I'm shocked to see a number of people say that siblings just come with the party. This LO is my first and so I've never had to deal with this with my child but I have had to deal with this on another level.
Growing up it always made me feel special to have my "own event" away from my siblings when I attended birthday parties. Don't you thing it it is a little unfair to the sibling who is actually invited?
I agree. This is a party for your son and his friends, not for his friends siblings. Parents shouldn't assume that their whole family is invited when one of their children is invited to something. Sure, sometimes they feel left out, but they will have their parties to go to when they get older.
I would just inform those parents that there isnt room for the gym instructor to have more children attend, if that makes you feel better.
IMO, this isn't about a sibling feel left out. This is about a parent not wanting to pay for a sitter for a younger sibling, which I can totally understand.
I understand both sides of what everyone is saying. But as a parent, I would not pay for a sitter for my younger child just to take my older to a birthday party.
If the children are far enough apart, more than likely they won't even be playing with the children invited to the party (since they will be apart developmentally).

(But, then again, if it were me, I wouldn't ask to bring a younger sibling that was old enough to participate. Sure I'll bring Baby Boy to birthday parties DD attends now, but they'll be 4YO apart.)

Why would a parent need a sitter for their second kid? Usually at birthday parties you drop your child off and pick them up at the end of the party. I've never seen a child's birthday party where the other parents stick around.

tokenhoser · March 2011

kammmmay:
Why would a parent need a sitter for their second kid? Usually at birthday parties you drop your child off and pick them up at the end of the party. I've never seen a child's birthday party where the other parents stick around.

Really? You'd just dump your 3 year old in this case and come back later?

I get what you're saying for school age kids. This one is a toddler. That's why parents are asking to bring other kids - they're kind of obliged to stay, and no, I wouldn't get a sitter for one kid to take another to a party.

shellindcwife · March 2011

I disagree w/ TKH, I would get a sitter for the sibling not invited, for the very reason that he or she is not invited. If the mom of the birthday kid offered to let me bring Kid #2 if I paid for it, cool. Otherwise, Sibling isn't coming. I understand the babysitter issue, but I agree w/ one of the PPs who said that basically, you're asking the birthday mom (or event, as it were) to be the babysitter.

So, OP, what are you going to do?

meghanchrisaz · March 2011

kammmmay:
MaybeBaby#2:

pandi02a:
This is completely true. I used to have to take my little sister everywhere. I hated it and so did my friends. We were 3 years apart, developmentally that is a big difference as a young child. When I started driving my sister seriously didn't understand why I could drive and she couldn't. Of course every milestone I had up to that point she got to have too. It wasn't fair to me and it gave her a false sense of entitlement. Of course now that we are both older, she turned out okay in the long run but I won't do that to my oldest.
That sucks that your parents made you bring your younger sister with you everywhere. But that's not necessarily the case in this situation. It is about logistics (from what I understand) and not about trying to procure an invitation to the party for a younger sibling.
kammmmay:
pinkpear:
I guess I'm shocked to see a number of people say that siblings just come with the party. This LO is my first and so I've never had to deal with this with my child but I have had to deal with this on another level.
Growing up it always made me feel special to have my "own event" away from my siblings when I attended birthday parties. Don't you thing it it is a little unfair to the sibling who is actually invited?
I agree. This is a party for your son and his friends, not for his friends siblings. Parents shouldn't assume that their whole family is invited when one of their children is invited to something. Sure, sometimes they feel left out, but they will have their parties to go to when they get older.
I would just inform those parents that there isnt room for the gym instructor to have more children attend, if that makes you feel better.
IMO, this isn't about a sibling feel left out. This is about a parent not wanting to pay for a sitter for a younger sibling, which I can totally understand.
I understand both sides of what everyone is saying. But as a parent, I would not pay for a sitter for my younger child just to take my older to a birthday party.
If the children are far enough apart, more than likely they won't even be playing with the children invited to the party (since they will be apart developmentally).

(But, then again, if it were me, I wouldn't ask to bring a younger sibling that was old enough to participate. Sure I'll bring Baby Boy to birthday parties DD attends now, but they'll be 4YO apart.)

Why would a parent need a sitter for their second kid? Usually at birthday parties you drop your child off and pick them up at the end of the party. I've never seen a child's birthday party where the other parents stick around.

Ummm, not at that age I wouldn't just drop my child off at a party. My daughter is 4 and I fully expected all of the parents to stay at the party (which they did).

MaybeBaby2 · March 2011

kammmmay:
Why would a parent need a sitter for their second kid? Usually at birthday parties you drop your child off and pick them up at the end of the party. I've never seen a child's birthday party where the other parents stick around.

Um, what kid birthday parties have you been to since you've been an adult? My DD just turned 4YO and there's no way in HELL I'd drop her off at someone's birthday party. Not only that, but all parents EXPECT for you to stay there and monitor your child!
She's going to have to be at least double the age she is now for that to happen.

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