Need to vent — The Bump
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Need to vent

I just spoke with my former foster son's bio mom tonight. She and her BF do bible study. The guy leading the session shared a story of a woman who couldn't have children and then was blessed with twins. He then mentioned some more details about this infertile blessed woman and bio mom figured out he was talking about me!

His wife was a resident with my DH. Neither he nor his wife know anything about us! I met them twice and my DH didn't share any ttc details with the wife. When talking to bio mom, the guy made it sound like we were close friends. She showed him the Christmas card with a pic of the babies and he said something like, "Oh...I wonder why we didn't get one." He even asked her for my phone number so we can get "reconnected." Ummm....they lived 5 miles from us for 2 years and never spoke to us outside of work-related functions. I'm so angry someone who doesn't know my story is using me as an anecdote. Yes, my babies are a blessing, but no, they were not a surprise miracle. I went through hell - miscarriages, surgeries, pills, shots, and tears to have them. He has no friggin clue. I cringe when I think he may be sharing my story with a women struggling to get pg. So p!ssed!

Re: Need to vent

  • Wow, that is weird. Maybe you should get in contact with them and let them know that what they are sharing about you is not true and that you would appreciate it if they didnt continue. I'm sorry.
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  • Almost a little creepy. No wait, it is creepy.
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  • Hmmmm.  A couple things...

    Are you sure it was you?  I would just make sure that the couple he was sharing about in the discussion was you as it's very possible they know another couple who had infertility issues and conceived twins.  I only say this because you said neither you or  your husband discussed these issues with them- is there another way he would have known?

    It IS very weird that he would pretend like he knew you better than he did (like the xmas card comment).  But, I guess it was his way of back peddling since someone "caught" him saying he knew you better than he did.

    If he was for sure talking about you, I guess I'd try to understand what the context of the discussion was and how much you specifically came into play.   Sometimes in bible study discussions people will use people they know as an example, and depending on the context, it may or may not bother me.  If someone was sharing my story, and I didn't know the person, that would bother me.  But if it was something like, "I know person X and she struggled to get pregnant for years, and recently just had twins!" It wouldn't bother me so much.  To clarify though, he shouldn't have used your name....did he?

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  • Assuming he is really talking about you that's pretty crappy. 

    On multiple occasions I have gotten a friends version of their friends IF struggles and it's never quite the complete story.  One friend told me that her friend tried and tried and then she adopted and ::poof:: she got pregnant.  It was one of those see you will get pregnant when you stop trying so hard talks.  Later I talked directly to the friend and that's not what happened at all.  They got pregnant on FET # 3.  The adopted after FET # 1.

     

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  • image amanda31H:

    Hmmmm.  A couple things...

    Are you sure it was you?  I would just make sure that the couple he was sharing about in the discussion was you as it's very possible they know another couple who had infertility issues and conceived twins.  I only say this because you said neither you or  your husband discussed these issues with them- is there another way he would have known?

    It IS very weird that he would pretend like he knew you better than he did (like the xmas card comment).  But, I guess it was his way of back peddling since someone "caught" him saying he knew you better than he did.

    If he was for sure talking about you, I guess I'd try to understand what the context of the discussion was and how much you specifically came into play.   Sometimes in bible study discussions people will use people they know as an example, and depending on the context, it may or may not bother me.  If someone was sharing my story, and I didn't know the person, that would bother me.  But if it was something like, "I know person X and she struggled to get pregnant for years, and recently just had twins!" It wouldn't bother me so much.  To clarify though, he shouldn't have used your name....did he?

    He was definitely talking about me. He mentioned what my DH did and where he worked and then said we had also been foster parents. He had no idea that the child we fostered was their son! She also showed him family pictures we sent foster son of me, DH, and the babies.

    I'm sure it was him trying to backpeddle. I know he has no ill intent. What bothers me is that he's taking a little snippet of what he knows and weaving it into a fable. He may have known we had trouble getting pregnant and that we were "suddenly" pregnant with twins. He doesn't know all we went through to have them. It bothers me that he is using my story as a story of people needing to have faith, when faith alone did not give me my babies. I had a medical condition and needed several surgeries. Prayers wouldn't have fixed what required surgery. KWIM?

  • image sunnybrook.:
    image amanda31H:

    Hmmmm.  A couple things...

    Are you sure it was you?  I would just make sure that the couple he was sharing about in the discussion was you as it's very possible they know another couple who had infertility issues and conceived twins.  I only say this because you said neither you or  your husband discussed these issues with them- is there another way he would have known?

    It IS very weird that he would pretend like he knew you better than he did (like the xmas card comment).  But, I guess it was his way of back peddling since someone "caught" him saying he knew you better than he did.

    If he was for sure talking about you, I guess I'd try to understand what the context of the discussion was and how much you specifically came into play.   Sometimes in bible study discussions people will use people they know as an example, and depending on the context, it may or may not bother me.  If someone was sharing my story, and I didn't know the person, that would bother me.  But if it was something like, "I know person X and she struggled to get pregnant for years, and recently just had twins!" It wouldn't bother me so much.  To clarify though, he shouldn't have used your name....did he?

    He was definitely talking about me. He mentioned what my DH did and where he worked and then said we had also been foster parents. He had no idea that the child we fostered was there son! She also showed him family pictures we sent foster son of me, DH, and the babies.

    I'm sure it was him trying to backpeddle. I know he has no ill intent. What bother me is that he's taking a little snippet of what he knows and weaving it into a fable. He may have known we had trouble getting pregnant and that we were "suddenly" pregnant with twins. He doesn't know all we went through to have them. It bothers me that he is using my story as a story of people needing to have faith, when faith alone did not give me my babies. KWIM?

    Ok, so it WAS definitely you.  Awkward for him that the bio mom was sitting there!

    After I posted I thought that maybe I should have used an example from my life of a struggle that I wouldn't have minded coming up in a general context, because I didn't want to make it seem like I was trivializing or understood your struggle with infertility.

    At any rate after your bolded statement I see why that would have bothered you.  For me, faith is a huge part of my life, and contributes to everything I do.  I don't discount doctors or medicine or treatment, but that is lumped together with my faith, and secondary...if that makes sense. So that particuarly wouldn't have been an issue for me.  But I do understand from your perspective now how that would have bothered you.

    All this being said- if I was you?  I would get in touch.  Mostly because he told the  bio Mom that he wanted to "reconnect."  He opened up that door!  I would get in touch with him and tell him how you feel.  Since he mentioned your foster son- your story isn't as anonymous as he'd like it to be.  I wouldn't want it being repeated, which he would likely do.

     

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  • image amanda31H:
    image sunnybrook.:
    image amanda31H:

    Hmmmm.  A couple things...

    Are you sure it was you?  I would just make sure that the couple he was sharing about in the discussion was you as it's very possible they know another couple who had infertility issues and conceived twins.  I only say this because you said neither you or  your husband discussed these issues with them- is there another way he would have known?

    It IS very weird that he would pretend like he knew you better than he did (like the xmas card comment).  But, I guess it was his way of back peddling since someone "caught" him saying he knew you better than he did.

    If he was for sure talking about you, I guess I'd try to understand what the context of the discussion was and how much you specifically came into play.   Sometimes in bible study discussions people will use people they know as an example, and depending on the context, it may or may not bother me.  If someone was sharing my story, and I didn't know the person, that would bother me.  But if it was something like, "I know person X and she struggled to get pregnant for years, and recently just had twins!" It wouldn't bother me so much.  To clarify though, he shouldn't have used your name....did he?

    He was definitely talking about me. He mentioned what my DH did and where he worked and then said we had also been foster parents. He had no idea that the child we fostered was there son! She also showed him family pictures we sent foster son of me, DH, and the babies.

    I'm sure it was him trying to backpeddle. I know he has no ill intent. What bother me is that he's taking a little snippet of what he knows and weaving it into a fable. He may have known we had trouble getting pregnant and that we were "suddenly" pregnant with twins. He doesn't know all we went through to have them. It bothers me that he is using my story as a story of people needing to have faith, when faith alone did not give me my babies. KWIM?

    Ok, so it WAS definitely you.  Awkward for him that the bio mom was sitting there!

    After I posted I thought that maybe I should have used an example from my life of a struggle that I wouldn't have minded coming up in a general context, because I didn't want to make it seem like I was trivializing or understood your struggle with infertility.

    At any rate after your bolded statement I see why that would have bothered you.  For me, faith is a huge part of my life, and contributes to everything I do.  I don't discount doctors or medicine or treatment, but that is lumped together with my faith, and secondary...if that makes sense. So that particuarly wouldn't have been an issue for me.  But I do understand from your perspective now how that would have bothered you.

    All this being said- if I was you?  I would get in touch.  Mostly because he told the  bio Mom that he wanted to "reconnect."  He opened up that door!  I would get in touch with him and tell him how you feel.  Since he mentioned your foster son- your story isn't as anonymous as he'd like it to be.  I wouldn't want it being repeated, which he would likely do.

     

    I didn't for one second think you were trivializing or that you couldn't understand. :) Thank you for being sensitive to that though.

    I'm all for my story being used if it brings people comfort or hope. It just bothered me that he doesn't have the facts nor does he know me. From the outside, my story may seem remarkable, but if he only knew how much work it really took! I also don't like that it perpetuates the misconception that women with infertility can treat it by praying (or resting according to some people). It is a medical condition and can be treated and, in my case, cured through medicine. I have no doubt that God acted through the surgeons and doctors that treated me, but it wasn't a spontaneous miracle like he's making it sound. Maybe I will contact him ;)  

  • I think it was pretty crappy for someone who is little more of an acquaintance to be sharing details of your life.  Regardless of who is in the story, I hated it when people shared these "miracle" stories with me like it was so likely that it would happen to me.  I knew the realities of our situation and knew that the chances of that happening were basically nil.  Like you said, it took years of doctors, tests, drugs, and heartache to get our babies.  People should have the whole story so they are prepared for the challenges they face with IF. 

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  • image sunnybrook.:
    image amanda31H:
    image sunnybrook.:
    image amanda31H:

    Hmmmm.  A couple things...

    Are you sure it was you?  I would just make sure that the couple he was sharing about in the discussion was you as it's very possible they know another couple who had infertility issues and conceived twins.  I only say this because you said neither you or  your husband discussed these issues with them- is there another way he would have known?

    It IS very weird that he would pretend like he knew you better than he did (like the xmas card comment).  But, I guess it was his way of back peddling since someone "caught" him saying he knew you better than he did.

    If he was for sure talking about you, I guess I'd try to understand what the context of the discussion was and how much you specifically came into play.   Sometimes in bible study discussions people will use people they know as an example, and depending on the context, it may or may not bother me.  If someone was sharing my story, and I didn't know the person, that would bother me.  But if it was something like, "I know person X and she struggled to get pregnant for years, and recently just had twins!" It wouldn't bother me so much.  To clarify though, he shouldn't have used your name....did he?

    He was definitely talking about me. He mentioned what my DH did and where he worked and then said we had also been foster parents. He had no idea that the child we fostered was there son! She also showed him family pictures we sent foster son of me, DH, and the babies.

    I'm sure it was him trying to backpeddle. I know he has no ill intent. What bother me is that he's taking a little snippet of what he knows and weaving it into a fable. He may have known we had trouble getting pregnant and that we were "suddenly" pregnant with twins. He doesn't know all we went through to have them. It bothers me that he is using my story as a story of people needing to have faith, when faith alone did not give me my babies. KWIM?

    Ok, so it WAS definitely you.  Awkward for him that the bio mom was sitting there!

    After I posted I thought that maybe I should have used an example from my life of a struggle that I wouldn't have minded coming up in a general context, because I didn't want to make it seem like I was trivializing or understood your struggle with infertility.

    At any rate after your bolded statement I see why that would have bothered you.  For me, faith is a huge part of my life, and contributes to everything I do.  I don't discount doctors or medicine or treatment, but that is lumped together with my faith, and secondary...if that makes sense. So that particuarly wouldn't have been an issue for me.  But I do understand from your perspective now how that would have bothered you.

    All this being said- if I was you?  I would get in touch.  Mostly because he told the  bio Mom that he wanted to "reconnect."  He opened up that door!  I would get in touch with him and tell him how you feel.  Since he mentioned your foster son- your story isn't as anonymous as he'd like it to be.  I wouldn't want it being repeated, which he would likely do.

     

    I didn't for one second think you were trivializing or that you couldn't understand. :) Thank you for being sensitive to that though.

    I'm all for my story being used if it brings people comfort or hope. It just bothered me that he doesn't have the facts nor does he know me. From the outside, my story may seem remarkable, but if he only knew how much work it really took! I also don't like that it perpetuates the misconception that women with infertility can treat it by praying (or resting according to some people). It is a medical condition and can be treated and, in my case, cured through medicine. I have no doubt that God acted through the surgeons and doctors that treated me, but it wasn't a spontaneous miracle like he's making it sound. Maybe I will contact him ;)  

    I TOTALLY get this.  I would get in touch with him.  It's just plain weird that he's making it out to seem like you have a closer relationship than you do.  And chances are, he does this with other people's situations too and claims to be closer to them than he is for the benefit of having a good sharing session at Bible Study- I DO know people like that and it's incredibely icky.

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  • image MADforever2009:
    Almost a little creepy. No wait, it is creepy.

    Totally creepy.

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