Do I have a right to be mad? Or should I apologize? (DH vent)

Wildlandwife · February 2011

My DH has a habit that disgusts me, but he won't quit no matter what I say or how much I nag. He chews. It's the most revolting thing to me in the world. I won't let him chew in my (haha, like how I say MY?) house, but anytime he's outside, he ALWAYS has a 'dip' in.

I've in one way or another given up on trying to make him stop and saying anything about it. It never gets us anywhere but in an arguement and honestly, he could care less. He's one of those people that something is going to have to happen to him before he does anything about it. I know that sounds very mean of me, but please know I have tried every which way to help him stop. This has gone of for YEARS. My feelings about the matter are thrown out the window.

This morning (after not sleeping more than a couple good hours), he comes home from work, gives me a hug and he reeks of chew. I hadn't seen him since Tuesday so was excited to see him before I headed off to work. But smelling that, just set me off. I went off on him (I was a b!tch). It's not even 9:00am and he chews on his way home! I'm so sick of it. Sick of the spit cups in the garage, sick of climbing in his truck and it smelling like chew with the spit cup, finding the wads in my yard that he's spit out. More importantly, coming home to your pregnant wife you haven't seen in two days.

Am I in the wrong here? Or should I grovel and apologize?

Karen1998 · February 2011

No, I don't think you're wrong. It's a nasty habit, but also a really hard one to beat. He's going to have to want to beat it to beat it. Until then, he's not going to quit. From what I've read, it's actually one of the worst ways to ingest tobacco and also the most addictive (and thus hardest to quit).

Your children will also learn about dipping from him. They'll either want to do it or want nothing to do with it, but there's really no way to tell which way they'll go (that I know of). This may help your DH to decide to quit, but may not. I'm sorry, I have no answers. Just ((((hugs)))).

itsmegin · February 2011

I don't think you're wrong to be bothered, but I do think if you knew he chewed when you married him, you can't really complain. Just like if you'd married a smoker, you knew what you were getting yourself into and even though you're right that it's gross and unhealthy, if it bothered you that much, maybe you shouldn't have married him.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but, you can't force people to change, and you picked him with this habit, so he must have enough good qualities to outweigh this one bad one. It does suck though, I hope he is able to quit some time.

normajeane6126 · February 2011

You're definitely not in the wrong. My step-dad is a chewer. More than once, his "spit cup" has been left around. I think the worst time was when he was using a dark beer bottle, and someone else picked it up thinking it was their beer. Yuck!

Wildlandwife · February 2011

itsmegin:

I don't think you're wrong to be bothered, but I do think if you knew he chewed when you married him, you can't really complain. Just like if you'd married a smoker, you knew what you were getting yourself into and even though you're right that it's gross and unhealthy, if it bothered you that much, maybe you shouldn't have married him.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but, you can't force people to change, and you picked him with this habit, so he must have enough good qualities to outweigh this one bad one. It does suck though, I hope he is able to quit some time.

I actually didn't pick him knowing he had this habit. It started probably 5 years after being with him. And started while he was on a wildland fire deployment. I told him that I didn't like it and had a issue with it for "x,y and z" reasons. Said he quit. Then found out he was doing it behind my back.

hbkises · February 2011

OMG, DH chews and i HATE IT! even before I was pregnant, the smells turned my stomach. He does it as soon a he gets up and then after every meal, it' so gross!!! I hate the stupid spit bottles. DH and I fight about it alot. My coworker told me this trick that she did for her husband to make him stop and it worked. She put black pepper(sometimes cayenne pepper) in his chew cans..just enough that you can't smell...it'll taste absolutely horrible to him and if that doesn't change his mind to stop, the pepper will end up putting an ulcer where he holds it in his mouth and it'll be too painful to continue. DH "claims" he'll be done chewing in a few weeks, but if he doesn't, I plan on doing this.

You're definitely not wrong, it's a disgusting habit

Schnooks88 · February 2011

I don't think you are wrong. But I agree that it must be hard to quit.

My FIL smoked before he had kids, but when MIL was pregnant for the 1st time he switched to chew. He chewed for a while (3 kids later) until my DH as a boy "helped" him quit. FIL spit his chew in soda cans and one day DH drank his tobacco spit...FIl felt bad and MIL got mad(sorry...rhyming...) so he quit cold turkey right after.

So...maybe it will take awhile to quit and hopefully nothing that nasty will happen, but if he really wants to quit and be healthy for his family he will quit eventually!

ChadnKim42009 · February 2011

I agree with you... I would be mad too and probably wouldnt appologize..

itsmegin · February 2011

arath1v2:
itsmegin:

I don't think you're wrong to be bothered, but I do think if you knew he chewed when you married him, you can't really complain. Just like if you'd married a smoker, you knew what you were getting yourself into and even though you're right that it's gross and unhealthy, if it bothered you that much, maybe you shouldn't have married him.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but, you can't force people to change, and you picked him with this habit, so he must have enough good qualities to outweigh this one bad one. It does suck though, I hope he is able to quit some time.

I actually didn't pick him knowing he had this habit. It started probably 5 years after being with him. And started while he was on a wildland fire deployment. I told him that I didn't like it and had a issue with it for "x,y and z" reasons. Said he quit. Then found out he was doing it behind my back.

Oh, I'm sorry, I retract my statement. That is really awful. You definitely have every right to be mad. That sucks. Sad

ravenorchid · February 2011

I agree with the others. You are not in the wrong. It is disgusting. I get that it's a very hard habit to break, but there's nothing wrong with your telling him how you feel about it. And that really is something he should be giving up soon. Children can learn those bad habits. Plus, it can cause all sorts of cancers and other nastiness. I used to smoke and it was hard to quit since I was definitely addicted. But I now haven't had a cigarette in 6 years and I'm much better for it.

Lissa832 · February 2011

I don't think you're wrong. When DH and I met, he smoked. I didn't know it until about a week after we started seeing each other. When I found out, I told him that if he wanted a shot with me, smoking couldn't be a part of it. He quit and hasn't smoked since.

LawLove08 · February 2011

I don't think you're wrong, and I understand why you blew your top, although I don't think that you yelling at your H and fighting about it is going to get through to him. ?I would apologize for losing your cool, but then (calmly but seriously) reiterate how disgusting you find the habit and how must of a turnoff it is.

Trust me, I feel your pain. ?DH chews (I call it "dips") and has on and off since I met him. ?He has tried to quit a few times and had success for 6 months at least, but then ends up going on a guys weekend or something and starting up again. ?It sucks. ?He promised to quit when I got pregnant with DS and did, but started back up again when DS was 6 months or so. ?

I will say that, unlike your situation, DH only chews occasionally, and never around me or DS, so it rarely causes fights anymore. ?If I find dip cans I throw them out, but I don't have to deal with spit cups or the kind of stuff that makes me lose my mind. ? He's really more of a "social" dipper - does it when he's out with the guys, but not really on a regular basis. ?If it were more regular I would probably have much less patience with it.

rguinn75 · February 2011

My DH always chewed at work or with the guys but would not chew around me or at home.. in fact for the longest time I had no idea he did it until I caught him once. Now that being said we have a life insurance policy and it is 100.00 more/month because DH chews...

When we decided to try for kids and lost our last LO he and I had a long heart to heart about expenses. I told him you know not only are we spending the extra money on the chew but that extra 100 could go towards daycare expenses that we know we are going to have. Lo and behold he really thought about it and has been chew free since October. He has to go without for a year before it lowers our costs but still... We go through a lot of chewing gum!!!!!

I am very proud of him... maybe have a sit down look at the expenses????

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Do I have a right to be mad? Or should I apologize? (DH vent)

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