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3rd Trimester
JenWen3
member
Close Cousins?
JenWen3
member
I just found out my sister is having her third baby in September, so my first and her third will be about 5 months apart. Everyone tells me how fun this will be for them to be so close in age, but I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. All I can see is our babies being compared to one another at every step of the way. And honestly, my parents are already so involved with her kids that I was already feeling like they aren't excited about this baby, and now I feel like it's hopeless.
Does anyone else have kids who are close in age to their cousins? Did you grow up close in age to your cousins (I didn't at all - my sister is even 5 years older so I can't even compare this to growing up with her).
What if my baby is chubbier or slower to develop and that's all I hear about? I know I'm emotional and overreacting, but I'm having a hard time accepting this. Even just knowing my baby will have to share its first Christmas is making me sad.
Someone tell me to get over it. I realize I'm being ridiculous but can't seem to get past it.
I'm also mad at her for announcing her pregnancy four days before my baby shower...can I reasonably be ticked about that?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Close Cousins?
I agree. I know there is nothing I can do to change it. I am just really bothered that I'm letting it affect me so much. I need to figure out HOW to get over it, you know?
My Ovulation Chart
Honestly, I don't think 5 months will be bad. My DS and his cousin are only 8 weeks apart, and there have been times where it gets a little weird. She was always on the later end to hit milestones, so Matthew caught up to her and then passed her pretty quickly. It always upsets my bro and his wife, and it makes me feel bad too. Like I feel like I can't talk about what DS is doing if my niece isn't already doing it too. But, with 5 months between them, they will be doing totally different things and there shouldn't be too much comparison. Also, with those birthdays, they'll be in different grades in school which is a plus.
Oh and yeah, you can't really get upset for your sister for announcing her pregnancy. If she did it AT your shower, then you could be mad, but she had to announce it sometime, right?
ETA: I forgot to mention...from the kids perspective, it will most likely be awesome having a cousin close in age! My cousin who is a month older than me has been my BFF for 28 years
I was super excited when my boyfriend's sister was pregnant and due in May. However, she miscarried and it made me sad that my baby lost a cousin that could be so close. Now his SIL is pregnant and due in September. I am not quite as excited because of other reasons - however, I know it will be nice for my daughter.
I only have two cousins and they are 3 and 6 years older than me. It sucked growing up. We were all just far enough apart to never have anything in common. I wished I had a cousin close in age.
My SIL is due 1 week after me. They will be the first grandchildren in the family.
I grew up with a ton of cousins close in age and it was so much fun! There was always someone to play with and birthday parties were energetic. My one female cousin is only like 2 weeks older than me, and we were not compared and it was a non-issue.
I have a million cousins (I come from parents with a ton of siblings). Most of them are the same age which was really great for them, then there was a big gap and I have a couple cousins my age, there was another big gap and my brother has pretty much no cousins his age. I fought like crazy with my cousins who were my age (both girls) but we're super close now and family events would have been so much more boring without them. My brother is jealous because at family functions he kind of has to just hang out by himself or with way older or way younger people which isn't much fun.
My BIL's wife is pregnant too (due in May) and they're also having a baby girl. I think it's going to be awesome for them to be so close in age.
As far as you getting mad at her for announcing her pregnancy, seriously? Her being pregnant is more important than your baby shower. You got to announce when you wanted to and she does too.
Get over it by:
-picturing them growing up together and playing together at holidays
-imagining how they will get along and the FUN they will have together at sleep overs or playing on sports teams
-Enjoying YOUR pregnancy and sharing with you sister about all the things you both love and hate about it
-Being happy for each other
There is no reason to compare your babies- and your famiy will NOT do that to you. No one is stealing your thunder. My good friend and I got married 4 months apart and she was pissed at me for months because she was engaged first and I got married first. She thought I was trying to steal her thunder. It was incredibly hurtful because my wedding was a time to celebrate my relationship with DH- not to one up anyone. Now we are both pregnant at the same time (she is 8 weeks futher along) and is mad for the same reasons. If your sister knew you felt this way, it would break her heart.
Venting is okay- you are certainly allowed to feel upset/hurt/worried. I certainly think this is a good place to express those feelings. Just be careful sharing with your friends and family. It could be really hurtful.
I know you guys are right. It's just been uncomfortable already. She was not planning on more kids and gave me all her maternity clothes and lots of baby stuff. Now she needs all that back, which I totally understand, but still sucks. Mostly it sucks that now I have 6 weeks of pregnancy left and very few clothes. But who wants to buy new stuff for only 6 weeks?
The baby stuff isn't so hard to make up for, but our families are great about buying off the registry and now I have very little time to add the new things we now need. I know, it's our responsibility to purchase this stuff; I just wasn't prepared for that at this point.
I also realize I'm being a brat. I don't want to be a brat. That's why I came here so you could all kick me in the behind.
Maybe also because this was such a surprise to all of us, that we just need some time to adjust to the idea. I mean, they were talking about scheduling the V appointment at Christmas, so this was a definite shock!
My Ovulation Chart
My cousin and I are 2 months apart. And as typical little girls, one week we were best friends, and the next we hated each other. But, we shared a lot. We were going through the same things at the same time, so we had each other to lean on. The older we got, the closer we got. I don't ever remember our parents or grandparents comparing or being snotty about any of it.
My LO will have a cousin 3 months older and 3 months younger; I'm excited. I hope the 3 of them will become close friends and always be there for each other.
Be happy for your LO that she will have someone to grow up with! My closest cousin age-wise was 3 years older than me (and also grew up 3 hours away) so we just never clicked. She was into boys and I was still playing with barbies. It might be wierd the first few years when they won't know the bond that they actually have, but while they are growing up, they will really appreciate having someone so close in age. I always felt so lost because I didn't have anyone (it was just my brother and I, and then all my cousins who live where my parents grew up) and I always wished I had a close cousin since I knew I wasn't getting any more sisters.
As far as being compared to your sisters LO, your LO will only see a difference in development if you make it a big deal and compare them.
My SIL is due 6 weeks after I am. I do worry that there will be some comparisons (especially by my MIL), but I will put a stop to it as soon as it starts to happen. I'm not shy and will just tell people to stop it.
However, for the most part I'm really excited for cousins so close. Its nice to talk to my SIL about pregnancy, and I'm sure it will be nice to share our newborn experiences together. Plus our kids will always have someone their age to play with and keep them entertained at family events!
I have not vented to anyone else about this, so no worries there.
I do suffer from anxiety and I think it just takes me longer than normal people to accept things and move on.
Thanks for all your advice. I'm over her announcement for sure (you guys are right, that is silly) and am working to get over the rest. I hate to call it jealousy or fear that she's stealing my thunder. I just feel like I had in my mind what this was going to be like, and now that picture is all different. I think I just need a day or two to adjust to that new picture.
My Ovulation Chart
Ditto getting over it- me and my sister are 2 due two months apart with our second children and I couldn't be happier- not only do your children have someone their age to interact with, you have someone who is going through all the same phases as you to commiserate with.
As far as comparing goes, your child will be compared to every child they come in contact with and every child that every woman has ever raised- to date DD has walked later than any child EVER (especially DH- thanks MIL!), eats more than most kids but not as much as my nephew, should be saying about 13 more words according to GF's experience and sleep remarkably well according to the cashier at the grocery store. And guess what- in about 2 more months (even though you swear up and down you won't) you'll be side-eyeing kids at the park trying to figure out how old they are and how LO is stacking up... welcome to mommy-hood!
No worries- you are going to get there. Sometimes getting it out does the trick.
5 months is enough of a gap where they likely won't be compared all the time except by the parents (you and your sister). My SIL and I have daughters who are just 2 weeks apart, and even then we are really the only people who size up our kid against the other. Chances are, depending on what your state laws are, they won't even be in the same grade in school.
Having cousins close in age is a blast. I have 5 cousins all born within 18 months of me, and it is awesome. No matter what kind of family gathering we are at, I always have someone to talk to and hang out with.
I can understand your fears but like PP said there is nothing you can do about it anyway. I grew up with 10 cousins my age and although we fought at times it was fun and now I am very close to them. My SIL is due 5 days before me and my husband's cousin is due a few months after me. I am pretty excited that my son will have cousins the same age. DS#1 is 1 year apart from my niece and nephew and 3 of my cousins.
People will ALWAYS compare kids no matter how far apart they are anyway.
my younger sister and i are both due to have our firsts within 3 days apart... i know how it feels, my sister announced her baby shower for march and so i ahd to make sure mine wasnt too close so that we could both get good gifts! i also didnt want to announce my pregnancy right away either because she announced hers first and I felt id be stealing her thunder! But on the upside I have always had cousins and sisters close in age to me and loved it! And teh sharing things makes me sad too! im hoping taht our babies arnt even born in the same week so that nobody suggests double bday parties when they are older.. i dont think u are feeling unreasonable!
My sister and I had our first babies 13 days apart. They're very different and constantly being compared, it sucks! With 5 months apart there is enough space that you're not going to worry about who does what first, but they're still close enough to be good friends.
Your situation sounds like it will be good!
My sister dewlt with this with their kids. They have kids a few months apart of each other. My nephews are the same age and my nieces are the same age to each other. You know what the kids are never compared against each other. They love hanging out with each other and often time are upset when they have to go their own ways. They are siblings and they fight off and on. My sister Christy was upset that her youngest who will be one when I have my little girl because she wouldn't have a cousin like her older two did. But when I announced my pregnancy she was thrilled. Because they will have a cousin their age at family gatherings.
I feel so blessed on my DH's side. Because November I had my niece Kendyll born and this past February I had my niece Addie born. All three of us sister-in-laws are already planning on letting the girls play together. We even dropped some toys off at my in-laws that all three girls can play with when they are there. They won't be bored at all because they will have each other.
I have tons of cousins close to my age and it has been great growing up with them. I'm closer with some than with others but it's great to always have family around when you need someone.
Also, between me and my two older sisters, there are 6 kids plus the one I'm carrying. The cousins (including my son) are 8, 7, 6, 5, 3.5, 1.5 years old. I'm having my LO no later than Monday, so there will be 7 of them under the age of 9 (and to think that 10 years ago my mom was complaining that she'd 'never get to be a grandma'). They have an absolute BLAST playing together. My son, 6, considers his 7 year old cousin his best friend. It's pretty awesome to see them together, they are like brothers. If anything big happens in their lives, they always want to involve the other cousins. They all have other friends they've met through school/activities, but the bond between them as cousins is very special.
Oh, they'll be compared in the beginning, for sure. Try as you might, but it will be unavoidable. At least you baby will be the older one, so you won't feel like you're trying to "catch up."
And, chances are with their birthdays, they won't be in the same grade, so that will be less of a "comparison" down the road.
Oh, and get over the "sharing of firsts." Your baby will still have it's own first. Got news for you, EVERY FIRST is shared with someone out there!
I personally think it's kind of crappy that she took her maternity clothes back already. She isn't that pregnant yet. She could have held off another 6 weeks.
She said since it's her third that she's showing early. I don't know, I haven't seen her for a couple weeks. She asked if I could bring them over this weekend, and of course I said I would.
To you all - I'm starting to feel better already. I know it will take more than just a day, but I'm sure I'll end up in a good place about this. Thanks for all your input.
My Ovulation Chart
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."
-St. Clement of Alexandra
I am having my third and wanted to share my perspective. As far as the announcement goes, it's not a big deal when its your third kid. I don't think she was thinking about your shower at all when she did it. If anything, she was probably thinking that she was showing early, which you do with your third, and she probably wanted people knowing so she wouldn't have to have people constantly asking her or speculating at your shower. It has nothing to do with stealing your thunder. The "announcment part" is way more of a big deal to you than to her (no offense) Also, if you don't compare your baby to the cousin, that is all that matters. you need to learn not to care if and when others do compare and learn to tune them out and tell them to cut it out of necessary. It is so hard as a mom, not to compare but you need to learn how to do it. Each child is their own little person and should not be compared to anyone else. As far as sharing the first christmas thing, you need to just get over that. Oh well- she didn't get pregnant to ruin your babies chance of being the only new baby that Christmas. I do side with you on the clothes though. I really do see how she may need a pair of pants or a shirt but she should at least try and hold out the 6 weeks or less until you have the baby (you really need them at this point). Are they all the same size? I start in an xsmall and finish in a large shirt. Can you ask her if you can keep the biggest stuff for a little and just give back the smaller stuff that doesn't fit you anymore anyway?
Good Luck sorting it out- I'm sure when you see your new niece/nephew your heart will melt and you will forget or feel bad you ever felt this way.
On one side I have a cousin who is 28 (I'm 27) and my sister is 26. It was fun growing up and as far as I know, we weren't compared, though I don't know for sure.
my sister had her DS 3 months before DD and it has been great. We shared a lot of maternity clothing in the beginning.
After the baby is born it was great. She showed me a lot of tricks and helped a lot with learning to bfed and between "is this normal for this stage" and the pass around on baby gear it is great. If she over bought on a size of diapers I would get the excess. We split the cost on many baby items you use for a short period, like the bumbo, and just passed it along as they grew out of it.
At first the age gap seemed huge developmentally (he also started to crawl and walk early) but now 3 months is nothing and they play together all the time.
This time she just found she is pg and my DS will be 5 months older than her LO. We plan on doing the same thing with diapers/clothing/baby gear.
Really IMO it is immature to be upset over this.
This! DS is about 8 mos older than his cousin and baby #2 will almost be 1 year younger than this same cousin. I am really excited for them to have playmates close in age. 5 mos apart is far enough that you really can't compare development, etc. It's not like it's 5 days.
1) Get over it, yes! You are upset because you are pregnant and hormonal. So, that is how you will get over it, realize that is the reason. Just be happy for her!
2) I have a niece and a nephew who are only 1 day apart, and they have a blast together! It is so fun to watch them play together and see them growing up together. Now, they do get compared to each other quite a bit, but never in a negative context.
3) Our LO will have 2 cousins very close in age. My brother and SIL had a baby in January, and H's sister and BIL had a baby on Valentine's day. We couldn't be more excited that LO will have some close in age playmates!
4) I always wished I had cousins who were closer in age. I only have 1 cousin who is close to my age, and we were not raised close. Her parents kind of drifted from the family, and basically stopped talking to everybody. Looking back, I realized that there was something missed, because having someone within the family, that you are close to, really makes the family closer too.
From my perspective, this is a wonderful thing. I have three cousins who were born the same summer as me. The four of us were born within a 2 1/2 month time span. Growing up, it was the greatest thing. We loved family events because there was always someone to play with. We have a picture of our first Christmas, the four of us all lined up in our bouncy seats.
As we aged, our friendships intensified and grew deeper. I am still close with all three of them, but I count one of them as one of my very best friends.
Now as I'm pregnant with my first, it saddens me that my siblings' children are so much older than my LO. My LO won't have the same bond with his/her cousins as I had.
Thank you for sharing this. She did mention she feels huge already, so that's probably why she wanted to let everyone know. And her kids are 6 and 4, and the last time she had a pregnancy to announce, her oldest was only 2. So there's a big difference in telling her kids this time. I get that now.
I might ask her to go through her clothes and see if there's anything she doesn't need right away.
I will say that just about the second thing she said to me was that she bought us a changing table for the shower because she felt bad to ask for hers back. So obviously I should take that as a sign of her consideration.
My Ovulation Chart
My cousin and I had our firsts 3 weeks apart and now we are having our second 7 weeks apart.
At first everyone compared our kids.... so and so is doing this, your's isn't.
We finally told them to stop. Every kid develops differently, especially boy vs girl. Now they are both 2 and they are just about equal.
It's a blast!!! You just have to ignore the annoying family. Tell them to butt out! It's great having cousins that can play together!