Bridesmaid question (from Oct 2011 board)
Ceridwen21
member
Hello January moms!
I'm asking this question here because I think you'll be able to give me good insight. My BFF just got engaged. She lives about a 4 hour flight away, and has asked me to be her bridesmaid. They're looking at November 5. I'm due October 2.
I don't know what to do. In the excitement of the moment, I told her yes. She is the bestest of best friends you could ever ask for, and was a wonderful bridesmaid for me a few years ago. She knows I'm pregnant and when I'm due, so I was kinda shocked as to why she wants November 5, but of course I recognize that this wedding is not about me!!
Am I wrong to be worried? My mom thinks this is an insane plan. I'd have DH with me at the wedding, but still. I'm planning on breastfeeding and this is our first baby.
Things I'm worried about:
1) If I'm a week or two late... OMG
2) If I have a bad/complicated delivery and I'm in rough shape
3) If the baby isn't an "easy" one (sleep/food wise)
4) The flights
5) The dress (though she said I could choose whatever style I want, but it would have to be ordered from the same dye lot as the other girls). Ugh, going to multiple fittings with a newborn doesn't sound like fun.
6) Crying baby in a hotel
7) Being exhausted the whole day
8) Being the worst bridesmaid ever. Looking and feeling like shi.t and doing pretty much nothing to contribute to her happiness that day.
Ugh. That's a long list. Have I answered my own question?
How can I bring this up to her? I don't want to ask her to change her date, but it's not as if they've made any plans at all yet. She got engaged 3 days ago!
Is it better to tell her about my concerns now, or possibly have to back out later? Again, I think I know the answer to that question.
Anyways, as very new moms, I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on this. How would you feel being a bridesmaid in an out of town wedding with a 2-6 week old?
Re: Bridesmaid question (from Oct 2011 board)
I couldn't do it. I'm a first time mom and my daughter is 6 weeks, today is the first time I've taken a shower alone without someone else watching her. I had a "perfect" vaginal delivery with no tearing or stitches (best case scenario) and I've healed just fine, but caring for a newborn is SO MUCH HARDER than I had anticipated. I'm exhausted. I'm getting about 4 hours of sleep a night, which is a vast improvement over the first few weeks, but still hard to live on. Getting out of the house with her is a huge production. We have an event this afternoon and I've been stressing all week.
If you do it, there is no way to know what to order for a dress, your body will change SO MUCH in that time. I've lost 30 lbs since I had LO, that's more than I gained in pregnancy. But my boobs are gigantic porn star attachments I would never have anticipated.
Also, are you going to want to do the rest of the bridesmaid duties at the end of your pregnancy, like throw a shower and host a bachelorette party?
It's hard to pass up, but she'll understand...when she has a baby, if not now
If you're not IN the wedding, do you still plan on attending? If yes, then most of your concerns still apply and shouldn't really be counted against being a BM or not.
Will someone be there other than your DH that you could trust to help him take care of baby so you can focus on being a good BM? If you plan on breastfeeding, will you have a pump?
I can't tell you whether or not to say yes, but if you do, make sure you talk to your friend about what to expect. Make sure she realizes that by you being in the wedding that it means she will not have your full attention before (you will most likely be pregnant for her bachelorette - will you still attend?) AND on her wedding day. Make sure she understands that you *may* not be able to make it if baby is late and what that means for her... uneven number of BM and GM, you listed in the program but possibly not there, having to wait until the end to give DJ the list of people to announce, etc. Plan on having a ride seperate than your H's so he has an out if he needs to leave early with baby.
My sister asked me to be her MOH, but before I said yes, I made sure that she knew I may not be able to afford to attend all prewedding events and I could always end up on bed rest or having the baby early. I also told her that I would not order my dress until the very last minute and if she wasn't ok with that, then to tell me now. I made sure to give her plenty of outs. I have seen too many girls on TheKnot trying to figure out how to tell their pregnant bridal party members they don't want them in their wedding anymore. (I know you won't be pregnant at the wedding, but you will be for most of the time leading up to it). I ended up missing one of my sister's bridal showers, and I only went to her BParty with her knowing in advance that if at anytime I felt tired/overwhelmed/whatever, I would leave.
Just be up front with her. If you want to go, you can make it work. If you don't want to be a BM, just explain to her why - I'm sure she'll understand.
Thanks for the feedback.
No, I wouldn't be going to the wedding at all. We don't know anyone else who could help with the baby.
She's totally ok with me missing the showers/bachelorette cause I won't be able to fly at that time. She said she just wants me there for the big day
Oscar born October 2011
Miscarriage at 8 weeks (August 2013)
DD due September 1, 2014
That sounds like a lot, I don't think I could do it. I don't think I'd even want to do that much when baby is 3-4 months old. I'm sorry.
Carina 12.28.2010 | Aurelia 9.23.12 | Chart - Round 3
I would not want to bring a newborn onto a plane. Right now my ped told me not to go anywhere that uses recycled air like malls, large stores etc. A plane would be alot worse since you never know what coughing/sneezing person might be in the seat near you.
You may want to consider going without your H and LO.
Agree with PP's... aside from being SO TIRED that your mind will be a frizz, dealing with the dress and flying with LO, I wouldn't do it. Also, when DS was born the pedi told me to avoid high-population areas for the 1st 6 weeks after birth because his immune system isn't developed yet. If you plan of BFing, you'll have to accustom LO to a bottle (and spend the $$ on a pump) prior to going to make sure there are no bumps during the ceremony. (No one wants a screaming baby when Mommy can't break away to feed them) What if LO is colicky? Gets sick? And who will you have looking after LO during the ceremony if DH isn't going/can't go?
Call her and tell her your concerns and see if it's possible for her to move the date (since you say she hasn't made any plans yet). If not, then apologize and tell her that it's going to be very busy once LO arrives, so, no.
Trust me; some days I'm so tired I don't even want to shower before going to sleep... would you want to feel like that and then have to get ready for a wedding while taking care of a newborn? Methinks not.
Yeah, newborn on a plane during flu season- not good. We've done 3 hours in the car which was intense, but a flight is germ central. Also, breastfeeding is SO inconsistant at that point and many people don't want to introduce bottles that early. That would be the hardest part for me. If LO needs to eat, she NEEDS TO EAT. There is no delay allowed and I don't know how I'd do bridesmaid duties with a nursing baby. (And I say this is as a mom of a 9 week old. We still have no predictable schedule.)
Sorry. That sucks, but having a new newborn at that point would be really tough.
Is driving there possible for you? I would consider taking LO if I could drive. Having you considered supplementing a bit with formula? It may be a good idea to start thinking about that just incase you go without LO or if you cant pump enough to hold LO off during the wedding. I had a unplanned c-section at four weeks I would of been just fine but at two weeks I would have been very uncomfortable. You probably will be exhusted the whole day. As for the hotel, I would make sure you bring something from home for the baby to sleep on. I wish you the best of luck!
Thanks for the feedback, everyone.
I spoke with her today and she was very good about my declining the offer. She's disappointed, but said she appreciates hearing it sooner rather than later.
If I have an early delivery and easy baby then I'll attend, but otherwise I'll just have to be there in spirit. Either way though, I won't be in the bridal party.
Oscar born October 2011
Miscarriage at 8 weeks (August 2013)
DD due September 1, 2014