Help me to understand being a step mom please

Re: Help me to understand being a step mom please

• MayorMcCheese000 member

  February 2011

  Oh boy. I would suggest you go to the Blended Family board but I see you are a newbie and you would probably get roasted over there for this.

  First of all-why does your DH only have his daughter every other week for 4 hours?

  Would you be able to build a solid relationship with someone you saw every other week for 4 hours? No wonder she doesn't think of him as her father.

  He needs to go to court and get more time with his daughter.

  What she calls him really has no baring on anything and means nothing- you have WAY more important issues than trying to get a 3 year old to call a man she barely sees "daddy."

   As a step-mother myself I can ASSURE you that the best way to make this situation 100 times worse would be for you to assert your opinion to the birth mother as to how "crappy" she is. She is this child's mother, you are a 21 year old stepmother.

  Being a stepmother is HARD, it takes a lot of maturity. The best way to navigate it is to think of the child's best interest and then make sure everything you do is in the child's best interest.

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

  Report0 Reply
• Loading the player...
• Rylinsmommy24

  February 2011

  He only gets to see her for 4 hours every other week is because when he was supposed to go to court and make a parents plan he was away at seas in the military so since he didnt show up for court the judge automatically went with the mothers parent plan and visitation plan to. And i understand what you mean about having way more important issues to deal with I just see how much It hurts my husband to hear his daughter call him by his name. and i didnt mean to say to the ex that she is a crappy mother i mean just to talk to her and just try and put her self in his shoes and try to understand how hurtful it is to hear your own child to call you by your name other than mommy . But i know i really have no right to say anything to her It's just I know my husband won' t so someone does or else she is just gonna keep walking all over him But yes as of now it is pretty hard to be a step mom cause me, my husband , and his ex were all young parents so its new for all of us to deal with.

  

  Report0 Reply
• J&A2008 member

  February 2011

  I agree he should go to court to get more time and that you shouldn't try to speak up to BM at this stage over this issue.

  The best thing you can do is use "Daddy" a lot while SD is with you guys.  It might seem strange at first, but you'll get used to it.  I don't address my DH as "daddy" but use it in conversations with the kids.  "Daddy said"  "go ask Daddy" etc.

  Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.

  Report0 Reply
• marigolds

  February 2011

  Visit to www.steptogether.org

  You'll get lots of great advice from women (and some men) who have been stepparents for years.

  I feel your pain regarding the ex.  My advice is not to bother talking with her.  You will get no where and she'll find a way to turn the conversation against you and your dh. 

  If your dh is home for good, he should definitely go to court to increase visitation.  If money is a concern, he can go pro se. 

  Good luck.  Step-life certainly isn't easy.

  

  Report0 Reply
• Ilumine member

  February 2011

  Rylinsmommy24:

  He only gets to see her for 4 hours every other week is because when he was supposed to go to court and make a parents plan he was away at seas in the military so since he didnt show up for court the judge automatically went with the mothers parent plan and visitation plan to. And i understand what you mean about having way more important issues to deal with I just see how much It hurts my husband to hear his daughter call him by his name. and i didnt mean to say to the ex that she is a crappy mother i mean just to talk to her and just try and put her self in his shoes and try to understand how hurtful it is to hear your own child to call you by your name other than mommy . But i know i really have no right to say anything to her It's just I know my husband won' t so someone does or else she is just gonna keep walking all over him But yes as of now it is pretty hard to be a step mom cause me, my husband , and his ex were all young parents so its new for all of us to deal with.

  Your DH needs to contact a lawyer.  Under the 2004, Servicemembers Civil Relief Act,  your DH's custody hearings were to be given a stay to ANY legal proceedings while he was deployed or underway.  Granted, it was up to him to ask for the stay, but if his lawyer did not provide him with information on the new law, then there may be wiggle room to have the court revisit the custody hearing.

  Heck, there is absolutely NOTHING stopping you from requesting more visitation time to begin with.  A father, with a clean record, wanting more time with his child shoudl not be a hard sell.

  This is ALL up to your DH though.  HE has to be the one to take the steps.  But I WILL tell you this, your DH cannot demand a title that he, himself won't fight for.

  file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg

  Report0 Reply
• MayorMcCheese000 member

  February 2011

  Rylinsmommy24:

  He only gets to see her for 4 hours every other week is because when he was supposed to go to court and make a parents plan he was away at seas in the military so since he didnt show up for court the judge automatically went with the mothers parent plan and visitation plan to. And i understand what you mean about having way more important issues to deal with I just see how much It hurts my husband to hear his daughter call him by his name. and i didnt mean to say to the ex that she is a crappy mother i mean just to talk to her and just try and put her self in his shoes and try to understand how hurtful it is to hear your own child to call you by your name other than mommy . But i know i really have no right to say anything to her It's just I know my husband won' t so someone does or else she is just gonna keep walking all over him But yes as of now it is pretty hard to be a step mom cause me, my husband , and his ex were all young parents so its new for all of us to deal with.

   

  There was a long period of time DS would call me Courtney instead of mom because that is what SD called me and it was confusing for him. It didn't bother me because I have the maturity to understand he is a small child and is not doing it to be hurtful. To be honest, your DH sounds like he wants the title of Dad without putting in the work to BE Dad. You can't make him be a good dad but you can encourage him to fight for more visitation. They need more times together to form that bond. If he doesn't want to put in the work, then I actually think you should respect the fact that the step-father IS fulfilling the roll of her father and deserves that title rightfully so.

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

  Report0 Reply
• hikerbeth member

  February 2011

  Stepparenting is the hardest thing I've ever done.

  You definitely don't have the authority to talk to the Mom about it, but you have to deal with the effects on your husband and stepdaughter.  I get it.

  Check out blended families or if you'd prefer a more secure place to talk about it, there are several members-only stepparenting sites that have been a lifesaver for me (and I know that everyone there knows exactly what I'm going through).

  Ashley Sawtelle Photography

  Report0 Reply
• Muffins_Mom member

  February 2011

  Calling him Dad or Fred or Popcorn doesn't make him more or less of a parent. His actions do. Please remember that. As a stepmother AND stepdaughter, my advice is as follows: support your husband, be a good role model for the kid, and keep your mouth shut.

  Report0 Reply